Not Quite Scripted
by Illyric
Summary: SamxKurt. As close to canon as it could possibly be and still have this pairing. Actual script lines have been used in preparing this story. Slash! Multiple chapters. *Spoilers* for Season One and Season Two.
1. 02x04: Duets

Hi guys! It's been approximately a year and a half since I've actually posted anything. Wow. I'm pretty sure this means I suck. _. Oh well. I've decided to do a re-write of the show, while keeping it as close to cannon as possible. While this story is SamxKurt, it will not start out that way. If you're looking for a quick, cute read, this fic is probably not for you. This story will be exhaustive as far as accuracy to the script and lines go. The only things I'm changing are several events such that Sam and Kurt wind up together in the end (because let's face it; that would be amazing). And, of course, adding my own exposition and what-not. Each chapter will pretty closely follow the story. As in, I'm watching on Hulu while typing and editing lines. I will include (or not) some events, so if something is missing, don't freak out! Anyway, without further ado, the disclaimer!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Glee. I merely have taken the original material and edited it in a manner I see fit. I do not make any money off of this representation of events. Any likeness to any real person is coincidental, and is not intentional. This fiction will contain SLASH, otherwise known as homosexual relationships or encounters. In the event this offends you then, please, for the love of God, do not read.

Internal thoughts/dialogue are going to be in _italics_, because italics are spiffy. Flashbacks will be in [brackets], because bold looks ugly and isn't distinctive enough ^_^. And finally, song lyrics in /x/ and \x\ for individual singers, and |for multiple singers|

This fic is dedicated to everyone who has reviewed and kept track of me all the time I've been gone. It's inspired by multiple fic's by Nikkithedead. It's also specifically dedicated to her, and to Sussiekitten, without whom I never would have made it through the year.

Here we go!

* * *

><p>Kurt Hummel groaned softly as he drew closer to consciousness. He glanced at the clock, only to find the digits 5:45 glaring back at him in an unpleasant shade of crimson.<p>

"…Ugh. Good morning, world. Here I come! Bring on the slushies," he muttered sarcastically. Kurt got out of bed, and walked into his bathroom. He showered, and spent the next hour cleaning up his skin and face. Finally, he got dressed (which took another hour), and trudged up the basement stairs to join the rest of his family.

Upstairs, Carole was making breakfast for the four of them. Burt was sitting and talking animatedly about sports with Finn. Kurt was not in a mood to talk to anyone, so he quietly sat down at the tablet and simply waited for his food. Carole had made pancakes, one of Finn's favorites. She set the food down on the table, and said, "Dig in, boys!"

The room was filled with the sound of chomping, silverware clattering and the general sounds of eating. Kurt finished quickly, and quietly left to go to school after thanking Carole for breakfast. Though Finn and Kurt went to the same place, they both took separate cars in case either one had plans.

"Bye Dad! Bye Carole! I'll see you later, Finn!" he called out before going out the door.

* * *

><p>Kurt was not a happy camper as he sat in Trig. He had been slushied already, and this was only his second class. The dumpster dive this morning had not gone well, either. Karofsky was getting worse when it came to his abuse. Kurt wondered, for a brief moment, if it would ever stop, if he would ever be accepted, if he could just be happy for once. It was then he realized he was being called on.<p>

"Mr. Hummel? Are you alright?" asked his teacher.

"Yes, sir, I'm fine," he replied.

"Okay, do you mind coming up to the board to do this problem, then?" his teacher requested. Kurt looked at the problem. (x-7)(3x+2). On his way up to the board, Kurt began to solve the expression in his head. By the time he made it to the board and began writing, he had it completed in his mind.

_Take that, Rainman_

The rest of his classes passed rather quickly. French was a blur, and English was boring. Glee, as always, was the best part of his day. Mr. Schuester came out of his office with a worried expression on his face.

"Alright, let's gather 'round," he said quickly. "Sorry I'm late guys. I was with Principal Figgins," at which point Kurt began to feel nervous. Mr. Schuester sat down slowly. "Bad news guys. Puckerman's in Juvie," Schue sighed.

Kurt felt ice form inside of his stomach. Without Puck, they had no chance at getting to Nationals.

"It really was just a matter of time," scoffed Tina.

"What did he do?" asked a shell-shocked Quinn.

Mr. Schuester sighed. "He drove his mom's Volvo through the front of a convenience store and drove off with the ATM."

At this, the entire club burst into laughter, but Kurt was still frozen from the inside out.

Rachel stuttered, but asked the question "W-well when is he getting out?"

"Unknown," replied their teacher.

"He is the dumbest person on the planet, and that's coming from me," said Brittney.

"Guys!" shouted Mr. Schuester. "Let's have some sympathy?"

"For a guy who put his needs before the team's? We need his voice! And his bad-boy stage presence," interjected Finn.

"Guys, we can't look at this as a crisis! It's an opportune-"

"For what? Further embarrassment and humiliation?" said Quinn as she cut Mr. Schue off.

"For welcoming our new member, Sam Evans!" said Mr. Schuester enthusiastically.

Kurt looked to the door, and almost melted out of his chair. For there, before him, stood the most gorgeous boy he had ever seen in his entire life. He was blonde, too blonde, and he had incredible blue eyes. He wore a white t-shirt with a blue jacket.

"Hey everybody! I'm Sam. Sam. I am. And I don't like green eggs and ham," he said with a smile on his face.

Kurt felt his heart flutter. In addition to being gorgeous, his voice was like molten honey; smooth, rich and deep. Not to mention completely adorable.

"Oh, wow. He has no game," sniped Santana in the background. Sam looked dejected, and Kurt wanted nothing more than to tell Santana to go shove it.

"Okay, this is gonna be great!" exclaimed Finn and jumping up to stand next to the blonde. "You're not gonna regret joining, Sam!"

"Oh, good," said Sam, incredibly relieved. He wasn't sure how joining the Glee Club would go, and was a roiling ball of nerves. The two took a seat next to Rachel.

"Alright! Question for the group," said Mr. Schue as he moved on, "What's a duet?"

"A blanket." Brittney immediately responded. Everyone in the room looked away for a brief moment.

"A duet is when two voices join to become one," Mr. Schue continued. "Great duets are like a great marriage. The singers complement each other, push each other to be better. Now, some people…"

"Pst!" said Kurt to Mercedes, no longer listening to their teacher. "He's on team gay. No straight boy dyes his hair to look like Linda Evangelista's circa 1993," said Kurt proudly.

Mercedes glared at him. "You're crazy, circa 2010!" she said.

"And that is what duets are all about. So, this week I want you to pair up and sing a duet. And, since you all seemed to love our little Defying Gravity diva-off, I'm making this into a competition.

The group began to murmur. Mike Chang was the first to speak.

"What's the winner get?" he asked

"Dinner for two, on me," Will said, pausing for a moment, "…at Breadstix!" he exclaimed.

The whole Glee club exploded with happiness and chatter. Mr. Schuester looked on with amusement. Mercedes asked her best friend, "Who are you gonna sing with, Kurt?" she asked inquisitively.

Kurt didn't respond, but simply looked at the gorgeous blonde hunk and proceeded to daydream.

* * *

><p>Sam was putting his things away in his locker when he realized someone was standing next to him.<p>

"Hi! I'm Kurt Hummel," said the boy. Sam's immediate reaction was one of longing. He was beautiful, covered in creamy pale skin, with hazel eyes that were deeper than the Sarlac. Okay, so maybe Sam was still a nerd, but the boy in front of him was still beautiful. Sam could do little more than respond with a one word response and shake his hand, trying to play it off cool.

_Don't give yourself away, you're new, being gay isn't cool, stay calm._

"I just wanted to personally welcome you to the Glee club," said the smaller boy. Sam smiled.

"Thanks," he said, still unable to give more than a monosyllabic response.

"Just tell me." Said Kurt.

_Oh, shit, he knows, he knows, he knows, what am I gonna do, I'm fucked_. Sam played dumb.

"Look," said Kurt frankly, "maybe at your old school you could get away with the whole 'I just stayed in the sun all summer excuse', but I have three gifts. My voice, my ability to spot trends in men's fashion," at this, Sam grunted an acknowledgement, "and, my ability to know when it comes from a bottle," said Kurt with finality.

Sam was dumbfounded. How had he figured out the hair dye in literally 5 minutes? Sam shook his head.

"I don't dye my hair dude," he said calmly.

"Yes, you do," said Kurt, "But it's just between friends. That's not natural."

Sam was thoroughly freaked out at this point, because the boy had managed to break down so many of his defenses all at once.

"I'm gonna go…because you're kinda freakin' me out." He said.

Kurt backtracked.

"Wait…maybe my instincts were a little off. Let me make it up to you. Team up with me for the Duet competition. Listen, unless you team up with Rachel, I'm your best bet at winning," Kurt was proud of his phrasing, and sure he had one.

"Aren't duets supposed to be between a girl and a guy?" asked Sam.

"Well Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor would protest!" laughed Kurt. Sam was clueless, but happy to have the younger explain it to him. "Make 'Em Laugh? Singing in the Rain? 1952? Nothing? Okay, maybe you are straight!" mumbled Kurt. Sam heard the last bit, and felt at least a little happy the Kurt was curious.

"What?" asked Sam.

"Nothing," said Kurt. "Rent it, then look up the menu for Breadstix online and call me, because we are gonna win this!" said Kurt enthusiastically as he walked away.

Sam stared after him, feeling as though he was missing something now that Kurt was gone.

Finn watched the whole spectacle, a feeling of worry growing in his gut.

* * *

><p>"You can't do this to him," said Finn angrily.<p>

"You're over-reacting," responded Kurt.

"If he sings with you, you're painting a bull's-eye on his back," foretold Finn.

"Once again, your closeted homophobia seeps to the surface like the contents of a crack cesspool," seethed Kurt.

"Don't give me that," said Finn, trying a different angle. "Look, I know I shouldn't have used that word in your basement, but it's not like you were innocent. I really like you, Kurt, but the fact of the matter is…" he paused for a moment, thinking about how to phrase what he wanted to say. "The way you were all over me last year? If I did that to a girl, she'd take out a restraining order." He said, hoping Kurt would get his meaning.

"You have issues with me being gay, I get it!" said Kurt, trying to justify himself.

"No, actually, I don't, I have issues with the fact that you don't understand that no means no," said Finn

Kurt was hurt, but started to see the validity of Finn's point.

"I just wanna sing with him!" he said.

Finn sighed. Time to pull out the big guns.

"Then you don't give a damn about any of us," said Finn, "If he sings with you? I guarantee you that within a week he'll take so much crap, he'll have to quit Glee club." Finn drifted off for a moment to let his point sink in. "Your call, dude." said the footballer as he walked away.

* * *

><p>"I don't see the big deal. The kid emailed me like, 60 mp3's of him singing. I thought it was Faith Hill…the kid's good," said Sam. Finn had caught up with him after football practice, and wanted to talk to him. Truth be told, Sam had listened to each of those mp3's at least three times. Kurt's voice was that of an angel's. Sam really, really wanted this duet.<p>

"Look, this isn't about how good Kurt is," said Finn. "Being in Glee club…it's like walking down the double yellow lines of a highway. If you get just a little off course…you're gonna get crushed."

Sam continued to get changed.

"You're kind of confusing my head right now," said Sam. "I mean, do you remember what you said when you talked me into joining Glee club?" he asked.

[FLASHBACK]  
>"Nationals are in New York City," Finn said with his arm around Sam's back, "Can you imagine what it's going to be like, coming home with that first place trophy? Most of the kids in this town have never even seen the Ocean. We'll be Gods!" Finn said with joy.<br>[END FLASHBACK]

"I joined because I'm new here, and you said it would make me popular, and now you're telling me it's going to get me killed," said Sam with as much emphasis on killed as possible.

"Well, eventually you're gonna get popular from it," backpedalled Finn, "but until then, you gotta lay low a little bit, and singing a duet with another dude is not laying low."

Sam was pissed at that. "I didn't realize you had a problem with gay dudes," said the blonde, affronted by Finn's sharp comment.

"Look, I don't have a problem with gay dudes; everyone else does," claimed Finn, "And we're living in their world, and in 'their' world? You singing a duet with Kurt is a death sentence," said Finn, a small smirk on his face. He thought Sam was really starting to get it.

Sam sighed. He really wanted this duet with Kurt. Hell, it might be his chance at a boyfriend, something he seriously wanted. But Finn was right; it would be hard in the one horse town that was Lima, Ohio.

"Well, I gave him my word," said Sam, as he slammed his locker, "In my world? That's that," he stated, and left the locker room- only to be slushied for the first time by Karofsky and Azimio. Sam stood, the ice and sweet, sticky flavoring dripping down him. After he wiped his eyes, he noticed Kurt right there next to him.

Kurt dragged Sam into the nearest bathroom. He put a towel into the sink and started soaking it. He gently dunked Sam's head into the water.

"The blueberry flavor is the worst," Kurt explained, "especially if it gets down your pants. You've got the potential to look like one of the creatures from Avatar down there." Kurt said with a smile on his face as he cleaned Sam's hair. Sam looked up at him sharply.

"I saw Avatar like six times!" he exclaimed happily.

_Okay, maybe it was more like 16, but who cares?_ Thought the blonde.

Kurt just looked up at the boy. Sam was so freakin' adorable. He didn't know how to respond, so he simply said "Oh, okay. Don't worry, you'll get used to it." Sam was perplexed, though.

"Kurt, you're an amazing singer. Why do you get slushied?" he asked innocently.

Kurt paled.

"Well, I don't know if you noticed by how I sound, or how I walk, or how I dress, but…I'm kinda gay. Karofsky, Azimio…most of the guys in this school aren't cool with that, so I get slushied." Kurt said this at first while staring into Sam's amazingly blue eyes, but gradually looked down to the floor.

Sam tipped up Kurt's chin with his index finger to look him in the eyes again.

"Lor manari," said Sam passionately. Kurt looked at him, confused for a moment. Sam explained, "It means you have pretty eyes," but when Kurt still looked confused, he explained further, "It's Na'vi…the Avatar language?" Sam said while smiling like a fool. "Lor manari," he said, one last time.

Kurt, stunned by this, fled the room.

* * *

><p>Later on that night at home, Kurt made dinner for his dad. All day, he'd been haunted by what Sam had said to him. He was reading too much into it. He needed to get his mind off of it, so he did what he did best; cooked!<p>

"First course is served!" said Kurt joyfully, "heart healthy, vegan carrot soup with whole grain croutons…and you'd better eat all of it!" Kurt said. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find saffron in this town?" he joked.

"Alright, let me eat this at the table," said Burt, trying to get up, "You could make a plaster cast of my ass with the cushions from this couch!" he said with vehemence.

"Absolutely not!" said Kurt. "I am in charge of your care from now on. You have a serious arrhythmia Dad. The doctors say you need to rest until your stress test," finalized Kurt.

"You are my stress test," grumbled his Dad, and Kurt felt a twinge of pain, but knew it was just his dad being himself.

"So I guess this means I can't get salt?" asked Burt.

Kurt simply shot his father a look. Burt sighed heavily.

"Anyway, so what's up? How's school?" asked Burt. He wanted to connect with Kurt; it was important to him.

"It's fine, I guess," sighed Kurt. His father looked at him, so he elaborated. "There's this new kid, Sam in Glee club. He and I are singing a duet together."

"Is that a problem?" asked Burt.

"Finn practically begged me not to," whined Kurt. "Said it would ruin Sam's reputation."

"This kid Sam, does he, uh…play for your team?" questioned Burt awkwardly

"Undetermined," said Kurt

Burt looked up, realizing now was a good time for him to talk to Kurt.

"Maybe Finn has a point," said Burt.

Kurt was scandalized. "You're siding with him? After what he called me in our basement?" asked a shocked Kurt.

Burt responded quietly. "I was talking to Carole, and you weren't totally honest with me," said Burt, "She told me you had a crush on Finn, that you weren't afraid to show it?" he prompted.

Kurt was indignant. "So a gay guy can't be friendly to a straight guy without it being predatory?" asked Kurt.

"You gotta understand," said his father, "Most guys don't know how to deal with unwanted advances."

"So you're saying I shouldn't sing with Sam because it might upset a couple of homophobes? I thought you said no one pushes the Hummel's around?" claimed Kurt, feeling hurt and slightly humiliated.

"That's not what…what I'm saying…what I'm trying to say is that maybe it's you pushing this Sam kid around, trying to take advantage of him." Burt finally found the words he was looking for.

"Dad, you have no idea what it's like!" Kurt said desperately. "I am the only openly gay kid in my school, maybe the entire town. I mean, why can't I walk hand in hand down the hall with a person that I like? Why can't I slow dance at my prom?" At this, the soprano began to tear up.

"Come here," said Burt, feeling affectionate, "You think I don't want those things for you? I do. You know until you find somebody as open and as brave as you, you're going to have to get used to going it alone." Burt rubbed his son's back, as Kurt laid his head on his father's shoulder.

* * *

><p>The next day at school, Kurt managed to dodge the slushy brigade and his dumpster dive. He could hardly believe his luck! He fell asleep in trigonometry (because let's be honest, it was trig), and aced his French exam. When he made it go Glee, he was super excited. He'd talked to Mercedes, and found out her and Santana were going to perform. During the whole time they were performing "River Deep, Mountain High," Kurt couldn't help but stare at Sam. The lyrics were just so poignant, and he felt strongly about it. He felt bad for not watching Mercedes, but he could always listen to her sing. He couldn't always oogle Sammy.<p>

_Oh, dear God. I've started referring to him as Sammy in my head. I need to end this, now_

Mercedes began to sing.

/When I was a little girl  
>I had a rag doll<br>Only doll I've ever owned/

Santana cut in

\Now I love you just the way  
>I loved that rag doll<br>But only now my love has grown…\

/And it gets stronger, in every way  
>And it gets higher…

|Day by day!  
>Do I love you,<br>My, oh, my!|

At this, they split into harmonies

|River deep, mountain high  
>Yeah, yeah yeah!<br>If I lost you, would I cry?  
>Oh how I love you baby!<br>Baby, baby, baby!|

The two girls began to shake their booties at the group. Most of the guys were mesmerized, except Sam, who thought of Kurt shaking his booty privately in his lap, and Kurt, who was still staring at Sam.

Mercedes started again.

/I love you baby like a flower loves the spring/

Santana joined

\And I love you baby, like a robin loves to sing\

/And I love you, baby like a schoolboy loves his bag/

|And I love you baby river deep, mountain high!|

The two did a few complicated runs.

|Do I love you, my oh my,  
>River deep or mountain high<br>Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!  
>Iif I lost you would I cry<br>Oh how I love you baby,  
>Baby, Baby, Baby!|<p>

The two gave each other high fives at the end of the song.

At the end of the song, Kurt began clapping to make up for his lack of attention. He knew they were good.

"Ladies!" Mr. Schuester called out, "What an incredible song!"

"And just so you know," Santana sang out, "I've already bought custom bibs for me and Mercedes here. You know why? Cause we's be goin'…TO BREADSTIX!"

* * *

><p>Sam had just gotten through a difficult practice. Beiste was working them extra hard to make sure they succeeded at the big playoff game. He had turned on the water, and was just starting to enjoy the hot spray washing over him. He was the only one in the locker room, and he figured he might as well enjoy himself. He started soaping up his body, as his thoughts drifted to the one and only soprano on his mind…<p>

"eh-hem," coughed Kurt, as he looked at Sam. Sam jumped, and looked over at his angel.

_Play it cool. Don't freak out_.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to go all Shawshank on you," said the soprano.

"This is…kinda weird. Guys usually don't talk to each other in here," said Sam, _usually so we don't get boners from looking at such gorgeous people like you_ he thought.

"Well this can't wait," said Kurt bluntly. "I'm setting you free. You can do your duet with someone else in Glee. Someone that the world deems more appropriate," said Kurt forlornly.

Sam's heart felt like it would fall out of his rib-cage. He'd just found the perfect song for the two of them to sing, too!

"Did I do something to offend you?" Sam asked, hopeful the answer was something he could fix.

"No! No, I…it's not you. It's me," said Kurt. "You've been honorable, really, and I wish you the best…but I've realized that I need to sing with someone that matches my passion and talent level."

Sam was kind of offended. Didn't Kurt think he was a good singer?

"Who's that?" Sam asked, hoping to punch their face in so that he and Kurt could sing together still.

Kurt just smiled back at Sam.

"You know, they make special shampoo for color treated hair," said Kurt, as he gave Sam a quick once over and looked at the bottle of Aussie on the tile wall between them. Sam just looked at the boy with a sense of longing as the soprano turned around, before he realized what had been said.

"I don't dye my hair!" he shouted out of the locker room.

"Uh-huh" was the only reply he got.

* * *

><p>The next day, Kurt got up to perform in Glee.<p>

"Mr. Shue, if I may?" he asked quickly.

"You may," replied the Spanish teacher.

Kurt got up, and stood before the class, looking at all of them in turn. He spent particular attention to Sam, though.

"As many of you know, I had a duet partner, but due to sensitivities I'd rather not get into at the moment, I have dissolved the partnership," he said. He caught Finn's smile out of the corner of his eye, but he also caught Sam's distressed and sad look.

"Okay…" said Mr. Schuester, "…but who are you going to sing a duet with?" the Glee coach asked.

"Only the most talented member of the Glee club; myself," said the proud soprano.

Sam's head snapped up. THAT was who he had been left for? He was even more distraught now than before.

"When you're different, when you're…special, sometimes you have to get used to being alone. I've asked a few members of the Glee club, as well as some Cheerio's to help me out," He said with finality.

Santana, of course, interjected.

"How can you do a duet by yourself? That's like, vocal masturbation or something."

At this, most of the Glee club burst into laughter, except for Sam, who immediately began to picture a naked, blushing and panting Kurt, and had to then cross his legs to cover up what had just happened in his pants.

Kurt simply ignored her.

"I will be doing a number from the seminal classic movie Victor/Victoria. It's a show about embracing both the male AND the female sides. Watch and learn, Santana," he said.

He turned to Brad.

"Hit it."

They all migrated to the auditorium, where they found Kurt onstage, dressed in a rather unique costume that had Sam all sorts of confused about what he liked and didn't like. Kurt was wearing a black tuxedo-type suit

/"Bout 20 years ago…way down in New Orleans,  
>A group of fellers found a new kind of Music.<br>And they decided to call it…Jazz/

At this, Kurt spun around to reveal the other side of his costume; a white, female costume, that hugged all his curves in all the right spaces.

/No other sound has  
>What this music has…

He spun around, and his tuxedo faced out again

/Before they knew it, it was whizzin' 'round the world'  
>The world was ready for a blue kind of Music<br>And now they play it…/

As Kurt spun again, and leaned on a Cheerio

/From Steamboat Springs to La Paz/

At this, the music picked up in speed, and Sam got a very nice look at Kurt's ass. Kurt leaned on the stage, and began to snap in time, exuding an aura of sex.

/Oh baby, won't you play me Le Jazz hot baby, and don't ever let it end  
>I'll tell you friend it's really something to hear<br>I can't sit still when there's that rhythm near me/

Kurt began to hump the air, and Sam's eyes veritably flew out of his head. He then shuffled up to the end of the stage.

/When you play me le Jazz hot baby  
>You're holding my soul together.<br>Don't know whether it's morning or night  
>Only know it sounded right

Sam looked at Kurt with longing as the soprano did stage kicks

/So come on in and play me  
>Le Jazz hot baby cause I love my jazz hot

Kurt held the note, and felt his lungs begin to burn with the exertion. He was glad it was toward the end of the song.

/Le Jazz…!  
>Le Jazz Hot!

Sam realized he couldn't have done any better in a duet with Kurt, and applauded the soprano he was definitely sure he had feelings for.

* * *

><p>Later on that afternoon, Sam told Quinn he needed to talk to her. The two met inside of the Astronomy classroom.<p>

"I love Astronomy…something about all that space makes my problems seem kinda small." The two wandered around a bit. Sam pointed to one.

"That one's Venus, planet of love," he said, in a sultry voice, and blushing a little at how he sounded. He hoped that's how he sounded when he talked to Kurt.

"It's actually Mars. Planet of War," stated Quinn matter-of-factly.

"Which one are we on?" asked Sam cheekily, though he meant it as harmless flirting.

"Earth," said Quinn humorlessly. "So why don't you come back to it, and talk to me about duets. Tell me why I should be singing with you."

"Okay," said Sam. "Well, we'll start on the choreography. Singing will be easy, so I'll start playing…" as he strummed a few chords. "All right, now get behind me…good." The two stood awkwardly.

"I think it would be cool if you helped me play the guitar while the two of us were singing, don't you?" asked Sam. "Do you know how to play?"

Quinn whispered her reply. "No…"

"All right, it's easy," he said, "just put your fingers like this…yep, and then move them to here…good! You're making music!" he smiled at Quinn. The two looked at each other. Quinn felt a spark, though Sam felt nothing.

"Sam, why did you want to do a duet with me?" She asked bluntly.

"…Honestly?" he asked, realizing he had to tell her. He coughed a little, and then decided it wouldn't be fair to anyone if he lied. "To impress Kurt."

Quinn looked at him for a moment.

"Oh, wow. The first boy I dated was perfect, I cheated on him and got knocked up. I start to have feelings for another, and he cares more about a gay boy than me!" she shouted. "Duets don't work for me. I need to find a way to keep Santana off my heels. I need to find a way to torture Rachel and I need to start learning to ignore people!" Quinn sighed.

"I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I don't want to sing with you," she said, leaving a devastated Sam alone in the classroom. Now who would he sing with?

* * *

><p>The next day in Glee, everyone sat down and watched as Mike and Tina talked in front of the class.<p>

"I don't think I can do this," said a very nervous Mike.

"It's the perfect song for this very situation!" said Tina.

Mr. Schuester interrupted them. "Whenever you're ready guys!" he called.

"Yeah, hurry up! I needs to get myself to Breadstix," gloated Santana.

"Don't count on it," said Brittney quietly, "I'm mad at you, but you're still so hot."

"Trust me, you're gonna be great," said Tina, full of confidence in her boyfriend.

/See I really couldn't sing  
>I could never really sing<br>What I couldn't do is…/

\Sing\ Tina chimed in.

Everyone began to laugh.

/I have trouble with the/  
>\Note!\<br>/It goes all around my/  
>\Throat!\<br>/It's a terrifying/  
>\Thing!\<p>

Truthfully, Sam had to admit that occasionally he felt a little like Mike…

/See I really couldn't hear which note was lower or was…/  
>\Higher!\<br>/Which is why I disappear if someone says let's start a…/  
>\Choir!\<p>

Nope! Nevermind. Not feeling like Mike at all.

/Hey, when I begin to/  
>\Squeak\<br>/It's a cross between a/  
>\Shriek\<br>/And a quiver or a/  
>\Moan\<p>

/It's a little like a/  
>\Croak!\<br>/Or the record player/  
>\Broke!\<br>/What it doesn't have is/  
>\Tone!\<p>

Kurt, on the other hand, was having a riot with Mike's song.

/Oh, I know you're thinking what a crazy/  
>\Ding-a-ling…\<br>/But I really couldn't/  
>\Sing\<br>/I could never really/  
>\Sing\<br>/What I couldn't do is/  
>\Sing!\<p>

/But what I lack in pitch, I sure make up in.../  
>\Power!\<br>/And all my friends say I am perfect for the/  
>SHOWER!/

/Still, I'm terrific at a/  
>\Dance\<br>/Cause I'm messing up my/  
>\Pants\<br>/I'm a birdie on the/  
>\Wing\<p>

/But if I begin to/  
>\Chirp\<br>/They'll say who's the little/  
>\Twerp\<br>/Going pong instead of/  
>\Ping!\<p>

/And when Christmas comes and all my friends go…/  
>|Caroling|<p>

At that, everyone joined in.

/It is so dishearten…/  
>\Ning!\<br>/It is so disquiet…/  
>\Ting!\<br>/It is so discourage…/  
>\Ging!\<br>/Darling, please stop answer…/  
>\Ring!\<p>

/But I really couldn't/  
>\Sing\<br>/I could never really/  
>\Sing\<p>

/What I couldn't do is/  
>|Do re mi fa so la ti do!<br>Do re mi fa so la ti do!  
>La!|<br>/La!/  
>|La!|<br>|Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing…|  
>SING!/

The whole Glee club came together for the last few notes.

"Now that is a duet!" shouted Mr. Schuester. "Thank you, Tina, for introducing us to the amazing voice of Mike Chang!

* * *

><p>Finn came storming into the weight room where Sam was working on the punching bag.<p>

"You made her cry! Major Glee party foul, dude!" he shouted.

"Look, I know, and I'm sorry!

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Rachel was in the girls bathroom, chatting with Quinn.<p>

"Hey Quinn, can we talk?" asked the Prima Dona.

"What do you want to talk about?" seethed Quinn.

"About Sam…I heard that you backed out of doing the duet with him."

* * *

><p>"Maybe it's for the best she backed out," said Sam, depressed he had lost what could have been a close friend. "Besides, if that Puckerman kid gets out of juvie, he's gonna beat my ass. And I'm sure you still have feelings for her too!" said Sam. He noticed the flicker in Finn's eyes, though Finn responded negatively.<p>

"No, no, no way. I'm with Rachel now. I mean, she's a lot shorter than Quinn, and she talks a lot, but I'm in love with her," stated Finn matter-of-factly. "Look, this isn't about you dating, this is about you singing a duet with Quinn to raise your musical rep in the group.

* * *

><p>"Look, I understand that your reputation is important to you, but…wouldn't you want to do whatever it takes to be on top of the proverbial pyramid in every aspect of your life?" led Rachel, trying to feel out Quinn's emotions.<p>

"Singing with Sam won't change that," said Quinn.

"Oh, but winning the competition will," said Rachel quickly, "And partnering with Sam is really your only shot at it."

"What's your angle?" asked a furious Quinn.

"Angle, what-" stuttered Rachel.

"Me winning means you losing, and you'll do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen, so what is in it for you?" asked Quinn, her voice full of venom.

"Look, I agree, okay? You're probably not gonna beat Finn and I, but I just thought, that, as the team captain, it would be good for the team to have some healthy competition for second place," said Rachel.

* * *

><p>"Look, I'm not saying you're gonna win, but I'm just saying that even coming in second would go a long way with the rest of the team," said Finn.<p>

Sam thought about it, and realized that it was his only shot to sing to Kurt.

Sam caught up with the Queen Bee later on that day.

"Hey, I wanted to apologize for the other day. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," said Sam

"Good, because we're gonna have to spend a lot of time together practicing if we're gonna win that dinner at Breadstix," stated Quinn.

Sam smiled. It might work out with Kurt after all!

* * *

><p>Sam and Kurt watched Finn and Rachel's performance in utter horror with the rest of the Glee club.<p>

"That was rude!" exclaimed Sam.

"Really rude," added Tina

"I seriously wanted to punch both of you!" said Quinn.

"I'm…really disappointed in both of you," said Mr. Schue. "Getting back on track! Who's next?"

Sam and Quinn stood up, as Kurt watched with a sad expression on his face.

"Okay, I just want to say that I'm really excited, and that Kurt, although I missed working with you this time, we will work together at some point." Sam's eyes gazed fiercely into Kurt's as the song began.

/Do you hear me? I'm talking to you,  
>Across the water, across the deep, blue<br>Ocean, under the open sky,  
>Oh my, baby I'm trying

Sam had to look away from Kurt to his guitar in order to hit the chords. Kurt blushed. Surely Sam wasn't singing to him? No, he couldn't be.

\Boy I hear you, in my dreams.  
>I feel your whisper across the sea,<br>I keep you with me in my heart  
>You make it easier when life gets hard\<p>

Sam looked back to Kurt again for the next few lines

|I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend  
>Lucky to have been where I have been<br>Lucky to be coming home again  
>Oooooooo….|<p>

The two sang the next part in sync.

/They don't know  
>How long it takes  
>\They don't know<br>how long it takes\

|Waitin' for a love like this|

/Every time we say good-bye/  
>\Every time we say good-bye\<p>

|I wish we had one more kiss  
>I'll wait for you, I promise you<br>I will...|

|I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend  
>Lucky to have been where I have been<br>Lucky to be coming home again  
>Oooooooo…|<p>

The entire song, Sam looked almost nowhere else but at Kurt. He really wanted Kurt to understand it was him Sam sang about, but Kurt seemed to have missed it.

* * *

><p>After Sam and Quinn were announced the winners, Rachel ran up to Kurt in the hall.<p>

"Hey, I had something I wanted to talk to you about!" she said.

"Oh, please, not another pregnancy…" snarled Kurt.

"I think that you and I are a little more similar that you think," said Rachel.

"That's a terrible thing to say," commented Kurt.

"I know you're lonely," Rachel said. "I can't imagine how hard it must be to have feelings in high school that you can't act on for fear of being humiliated, ridiculed or worse. We're going to win Nationals this year, and you know how we're going to do that?" Rachel asked, grinning. "Because we have you."

Kurt just stood there silently.

"That's 12 people who love you, just for being exactly the way that you are. Look, I know you're lonely, but you are not alone. That's why…I was wondering if you would sing a duet with me?"

"But the competition is over," said Kurt.

"I know, I just…I thought this one could be for me and you," said Rachel quietly. Kurt smiled.

* * *

><p>"You know, I hear they don't even make these fresh?" commented Quinn at Breadstix. "They fly them in frozen from some factory in the Dominican Republic."<p>

"I once caught some pretty sweet waves down in the Dominican," said a happy Sam, his mouth full of salad.

Quinn looked at him awkwardly.

"Hey, hey hey! It's my Matthew McConaughey impression; come on!" said Sam

"Does that work on the girls where you're from?" sniped Quinn. "The impressions, the bad jokes, the Na'vi?"

"I don't know. I went to an all boy's boarding school before this," said Sam, his voice tinged with sadness.

"Makes sense," said Quinn.

"It must be hard," commented Sam, "I think if I went through what you went through last year, I would have transferred to a school on the moon or something, out of embarrassment." He saw Quinn's face fall, and realized he'd said the wrong thing.

_Open mouth, insert foot_.

"Okay, that-that didn't come out right," he said, "I mean, you're really brave to come back like you have. I don't judge you or anything. I know what it's like to have a secret that you're ashamed of," said Sam, staring at the salt shaker.

"Oh, holy crap!" said Quinn. "So…so you are gay?" she asked finally.

Sam didn't speak for a long moment.

"At the boarding school, it was easy. Everyone was a little gay, but no one said anything. Here, I see Kurt going through all this shit, and I can't do anything, because I just want to stay popular," said a disheartened Sam. "Quinn, please, I'm not ready to come out yet. Do you mind if we keep this between us?" he asked.

Quinn was shocked, but knew she had to do the right thing.

"Of course," she said. "Your secret's safe with me." Sam breathed a huge sigh of relief.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," he repeated.

"BUT I have one condition," she said.

Sam felt a pit open up where his stomach was located.

"What?" He asked, dreading the question.

"Do you have a crush on Kurt?" asked the cheerleader.

Sam looked away and blushed, then mumbled something. Quinn simply squealed from behind her hands.

"Oh, my God! This is so great!" she was thrilled that Kurt would finally have someone to be with.

"Can you help me, Quinn? I don't know what he likes, and I don't know where to go from here," he pleaded.

"Of course. I just have one question," she said.

"Shoot," said Sam

"Is Kurt right about your hair?"

"Maybe," was the only reply.

* * *

><p>That's all for now, folks. Tune in again for Rocky Horror Glee Show (Good lord, I've got a lot of these to write, don't I?)<p>

Again, most of the material in the story is actual sourced content from the episodes. I've taken the time to painstakingly transcribe them as I watch, and make determinations and edits as I go. These take time. I apologize if I update slowly, but that's why.

Thanks for tuning in, and please, leave a review? Cookies if you do. Flames will be used to power the oven!


	2. 02x05: Rocky Horror Glee Show

Okay guys (and gals!). Here is my transcription/rewrite amalgam of 02x05; Rocky Horror Glee Show! Wish me luck!

Thank you so much for all the alerts and reviews! I had no idea this pairing was so popular!

Again, this is dedicated to Sussiekitten and Nikkithedead; thank you both!

Disclaimer has been disclaimed already. I see no reason to post it more than once.

In the event that this is too similar to someone elses fic, I apologize; I tried to make this as unique as possible, but if I stepped on someone's toes, please tell me.

Again, _Italics_ are thoughts, [BRACKETS] are flashbacks, forward and backward slashes are individual singers, and |whatever these things are| are more than one singer at a time.

On with it!

* * *

><p>Michael Rennie was ill  
>The day the Earth stood still<br>But he told us where we stand  
>And Flash Gordon was there<br>In silver underwear  
>Claude Rains was the invisible man<p>

Then something went wrong  
>For Fay Wray and King Kong<br>They got caught in a celluloid jam  
>Then at a deadly pace<br>It came from outer space  
>And this is how the message ran<p>

Science Fiction—Double feature  
>Ooooooo<br>To the late night double feature picture show/

As Santana finished singing Science Fiction—Double Feature, Rachel cut in and began to sing

/In the velvet darkness  
>Of the blackest night<br>Burning bright  
>There's a guiding star<br>No matter what or who,  
>Who you are

|There's a light| sang Finn and Rachel.  
>|Over at the Frankenstein Place| crooned the chorus.<br>|There's a light| Repeated the two leads.  
>|Burning in the fireplace|<br>|There's a light,  
>Light in the darkness<br>Of everybody…| sang Rachel and Finn, before they were suddenly cut off by Carl.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Schuester, are you messing with my woman? I thought we had a deal!" he exclaimed loudly.

* * *

><p>Perhaps the beginning is the best place to start, no?<p>

* * *

><p>It began with a sandwich, a table, and two people.<p>

"Hey, Em!" said Mr. Schuester gleefully as he walked into the teacher's lounge.

"Hi," said the counselor.

William immediately noticed something was wrong.

"What's with the crusts? You…you always cut them off," observed the Spanish teacher.

"I must have forgotten this morning!" exclaimed Mrs. Pillsbury, astonished.

"Forgot?" question Will.

"Carl and I had the most amazing weekend!" she shared. "We hit the Revival Theater downtown for the midnight showing of Rocky Horror," she said.

"You're kidding!" said Will.

"Nope!" she said.

"Isn't that where everyone dresses up and yells stuff?" asked Mr. Schuester, trying to understand what had changed within Emma.

"Yes! Well, we don't dress up, at least not yet," she giggled.

"Wait, isn't that theater a total dive?" asked Will, becoming more perplexed by the minute.

"Oh, my God, it's disgusting, it's horrible. There isn't a surface that isn't covered in spilled soda, so you'd think it'd be a nightmare for me, right? But I don't know, I'm having so much fun that I don't even notice!" she said, going a mile a minute.

"Huh," said Mr. Schue.

"And get this," she said, "You know how I've always been very anti-Halloween, cause it totally freaks me out to think about eating candy that someone else has touched, right? Well, Carl and I are gonna dress up as characters from the show, and we're actually gonna go trick-or-treating!" Emma was completely ecstatic, and thrilled that she was getting better.

_The sandwich, the dirty theater—he's actually making her better! He's winning! Why the hell didn't I think of taking her to that damn show!_ On the inside, Will, was seething, but he wouldn't let that show.

"Oh, it's so weird your brought up how much you love that show, because just last weekend, I decided to have the Glee Club perform Rocky Horror for the school musical this year," said an enthusiastic Mr. Schue.

"Wow, Will," said Mrs. Pillsbury, eyes wide. "That's very, very cool."

"I mean, who knew that Rocky Horror was so important to both of us?" asked Will

"Yeah, I guess so…" said Emma, drifting off. "Isn't there some pretty…risqué material in there, though?" she asked, concerned for her friend.

"Oh," said Will, "yeah, I'll probably have to make some edits here and there, but it's worth it to expose the kids to one of my favorite musicals of all time.

"Wow…"said Emma, drifting off again. "Well, I'm thinking you're gonna have to edit the whole thing out, if you're gonna get Sue and Figgins to sign off on it. But that's really exciting!" she said, as she left to go to her office.

Will felt like sinking into the floor.

* * *

><p>"So, what are you going to dress up as for Halloween?" Kurt asked Brittney.<p>

Brittney smiled, and responded "I'm going as a peanut allergy."

Kurt was, at this point, used to Britt's insanity, and could get past it.

"Great news, guys!" shouted Mr. Schue as he entered the chorus room. "I've had a little inspiration. This week's musical lesson isn't really a lesson," he paused, savoring the dramatic effect. "It's a musical."

Rachel began to pray, "Please be Evita, please be Evita, please be Evita!"

"…Rocky Horror!" exclaimed Mr. Schue.

The whole room erupted into whispers.

"Mr. Schue?" asked Rachel, "Although I admire you choice of the groundbreaking '70s musical, aren't you worried that the adult themes might be a point of controversy?"

"Seriously!" commented Kurt. "A school in Texas couldn't even do Rent. It caused an outrage, and they had to cancel the show."

"Isn't that the whole point of the arts?" asked Mr Schue, "Pushing boundaries, doing things people say you can't do for the sake of self-expression?" he paused at this for a moment.

"I got it all figured out," he said triumphantly. "I cut out some of the more risqué sections, AND I'm sending home permission slips to all your parents to make sure that they're okay with it. AND," said the chorus teacher, "we're going to charge admission and use the proceeds to help pay for transportation to Nationals in New York!"

The whole group cheered at this.

"Okay, let's talk about casting," said Mr. Schuester.

"Oh, Finn and I will play Brad and Janet!" said Rachel. Kurt coughed, because their arrogance was so overwhelming.

"And…I'll be playing the guy in the wheelchair, right?" said Artie sarcastically. Having a disability really sucked sometimes.

"That's what I was thinking," said Mr. Schuester, oblivious to his student's pain, "And I thought Kurt could play the role of Frank-N-Furter."

Kurt's blood stopped cold. Was his teacher really that sexist? No way.

"No. There is no way I'm playing a transvestite in high heels and fishnets, and wearing…lipstick," said the fashionista.

"Why? 'Cause that look was last season?" snarked Santana.

"I'll do it," volunteered Mike.

"Really? It's like, the male lead" asked Tina.

"I know, but I'm feeling a little more confident about my singing voice after our duets project," said Mike nervously. Never mind that the fishnets were also a plus.

"Great! I have no problem with that!" said their choir director. "Now, we're a little short on female roles, so we're gonna have to double up on the Columbia's and Magenta's."

"It's standard practice on Broadway. It'll preserve your voices," said Rachel haughtily.

"I'd like to preserve you. In a jar. In my basement," comment Mercedes.

"Sam," said Mr. Schue, "I'd like you to play the role of the Creature."

"From the Black Lagoon?" joked Sam. Having never seen the show, he had no idea what he was in for.

"Rocky," said Quinn, "He's like the Frankenstein character, but blond? You'll kill the part."

At this, Kurt looked over at Sam, envisioning him in a shiny gold thong and nothing else. He felt faint.

"He's cute, just like you," continued Quinn.

Sam felt a growing pit of nerves in his stomach.

"Better start working on those abs!" chortled Santana.

"Are you kidding me? You could glass with these babies," said Sam. "I have no problem showing off my body." As he said this, Sam began to think of Kurt, showing off his body.

Kurt swallowed hard and crossed his legs upon hearing Sam's statement.

"Okay! Looks like we've got ourselves a show!" said Mr. Schuester.

* * *

><p>"So then after the Time Warp, Riff Raff (a.k.a. Kurt) takes us to Frank-N-Furter's lab," said Rachel quickly, going through the script.<p>

"I have...no idea what's going on in this script, and it's not in a cool, Inception kind of way," said a very confused Finn.

"Just try, okay?" said Rachel quietly. "All right, so, then they take off our wet clothes, and we do the rest of the scene in our underwear."

Finn was alarmed.

"Wait, I'm in my tighty-whities?" he asked nervously.

"Yeah," responded Rachel like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"I can't be on stage in front of the whole school in my tighty-whities. They're gonna be able to see my whole…business!" said Finn, who was growing more and more agitated.

"Come on, it will just be like going to the pool!" she said.

"I wear a swim shirt at the pool," confessed Finn. "I tell everybody it's because I burn easily, but look…I know I'm a big athlete, and it's not manly or anything…but I'm kind of insecure about how I look." Finn let a deep breath out. There. He'd said it.

"Come on, you just…you know, you have a different body type," said Rachel, trying to comfort her beloved. I don't look like Brittney or Santana, but you still think I'm hot, right?" she asked, hoping she could get her point across.

"Yeah, of course," said Finn.

"So then, you're just going to have to trust me that you're the hottest guy in school. Okay? Come here," said Rachel with finality, giving her boyfriend a hug.

"Alright, so then, after that, Frank-N-Further's going to come down…" trailed of the broadway diva, "…in an elevator, and when he comes down…" but at this point, she'd lost Finn's attention. He was worried.

* * *

><p>Sam went home that night absolutely exhausted. As he walked in the door, his mom greeted him.<p>

"Hi honey!" she said enthusiastically.

Sam simply groaned. Why was his mother always so energetic?

"Hi mom…" he responded.

"Your father will be home from the office in a couple of hours, so I'm gonna start in on dinner now. Your siblings are out at their friend's houses. What are you gonna do?" she asked kindly.

Sam sighed. "I'm gonna go upstairs and take a nap."

He trudged up to his room. As he grabbed a comic book, he thought about Kurt. His mind drifted back to the night at Breadstix.

[FLASHBACK]  
>"Alright, so let me get this straight. Well, not straight," giggled Quinn. "You like Kurt, and you want to be his boyfriend?"<p>

Sam nodded.

"Okay. First, we need to fix your clothes, because he's not going to look at you in any sort of capacity if you look the way you do," she said.

"What's wrong with my clothes?" interjected Sam, slightly offended.

"…Moving on," said Quinn after a second, "We also need to come up with a plan for you to woo him. He's not just going to fall for you. This isn't a love story or a chick flick, you know?" said Quinn.

[END FLASHBACK]

Sam and Quinn agreed to go shopping, and set a date for that, but they'd never formalized a plan to get Kurt to like Sam. He decided he needed to call his friend.

Ringgggg!

Ringgggg!

Rin-

"Hello?" said Quinn quietly.

"Quinn? It's Sam," he said.

"Oh. Hi. What's up?" she asked cordially.

"Well, we never really figured out how exactly to get Kurt to fall for me," he said. "Any ideas?"

"Well, I did, actually," said Quinn in her I-have-an-idea-and-you're-gonna-like-it voice.

"Okay, what's the plan?" asked Sam, rolling over on his bed.

"Listen to this…" she said.

Sam smiled

* * *

><p>"Alright, places everyone!" shouted Mr. Schuester, "Finn, Rachel, we're going to start with Dammit, Janet and go from there, alright?"<p>

"Oh! I cannot wait till Finn takes his top off so we can all see the hotness underneath!" commented Santana, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"What are you talking about?" asked Finn, puzzled.

"You can't have Sloppy Joes everyday for lunch and think you can get away with it," said Brittney in a rare moment of clarity.

"Um…that's incredibly rude!" said Rachel, defending her boyfriend.

"Is it? Guys whisper behind our backs about how we girls look every day. They objectify us all the time," said Quinn bluntly.

"She sort of has a point," said Tina.

"Yeah, earlier today, Artie asked if he could make a gigantic omelet when I'm done with the ostrich eggs I'm smuggling in my bra," said Santana coldly.

"I'm super looking forward to seeing Sam in his gold bikini," said Brittney. Kurt couldn't help but silently agree with her.

"It's gonna be ab-ulous," he said cockily. Kurt wanted to melt.

"Can we get on with rehearsal, please?" asked Finn dejectedly.

"Yeah!" echoed Rachel.

"I agree, yes, let's stay focused guys. All right," said Mr. Schue, "Riff Raff, Columbia and Magenta, team one. Take your places. Let's rock and roll!"

The three of them moved upstage left, and Rachel and Finn stood downstage left. They began to sing.

/Hey, Janet./  
>\Yes, Brad?\<br>/I've got something to say./  
>\Uh-huh?\<br>/I really loved the skillful way  
>You beat the other girls<br>To the brides bouquet./

/The river was deep, but I swam it/

At this, the other three chimed in.

|Janet|  
>The future is ours, so let's plan it./  
>|Janet|<br>/So please don't tell me to can it…/  
>|Janet|<br>/I've one thing to say, and that's  
>Dammit, Janet,<br>I love you/

Finn began to run around the room.

/The road was long, but I ran it…/  
>|Janet|<br>/There's a fire in my heart and you fan it,/  
>|Janet|<br>/If there's one fool for you, then I am it/  
>|Janet|<br>/I've one thing to say,  
>And that's dammit, Janet<br>I love you/

/Here's the ring to prove that I'm no joker!  
>There's three ways that love, can grow<br>That's good, bad, or mediocre  
>Oh J-A-N-E-T I love you so!

At this, Rachel began to sing, and the background choir changed their lyrics.

\Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had,\  
>|Oh, Brad|<br>\Now we're engaged, and I'm so glad\  
>|Oh, Brad|<br>\That you've met Mum, and you know Dad,\  
>|Oh, Brad|<br>\I've one thing to say and that's  
>Brad, I'm mad,<br>For you too!\

At this, Mr. Schuester noticed Sue was in the room, and walked out with her.

"What made you think you could get away with doing this show without my knowledge?" asked Sue.

"I didn't. I was just hoping to run out the clock until it was too late to stop us." Will said.

"Who say's I want to stop you?" asked the Cheerio Coach, "I appreciate that Rocky Horror pushes boundaries."

Will simply looked at her, incredulous of her statements.

"So you're not gonna fight us?" he asked.

"Perhaps not," said the viper, "I just want to be involved, Will. The arts matter."

Will still didn't believe her, but what could he do?

"Fine. Join us. Play the part of the Criminologist. We need someone with authority," he said.

"Done!" said Sue.

"Great. We rehearse tonight." said Will, still feeling nervous.

"Fantastic. Give me some time to do my rewrites," said Sue.

"I'm sorry?" asked an affronted Mr. Schuester.

"Yeah…it says right here in my contract that I get final script approval. And I wouldn't fight it, Will," she continued, her voice smug. "I'm a notary public. See you on the boards," she said, walking away.

* * *

><p>"Chicken, egg whites, fish—no salmon—oatmeal, brown rice—but not after 6:00 pm—no butter or oil, and NO soda," finished Sam. He was proud of what he ate.<p>

"That's all you eat?" asked Finn, hardly believe it.

"Ain't no carpool lane to sexy," said Sam. And he definitely needed sexy if he wanted to be with Kurt.

"Damn straight!" chimed in Artie.

"I don't know, man, I never used to think about this stuff, I mean, we're guys. When did this start to matter?" asked Finn.

"I personally blame this internet. Once the internet was invented, girls could watch internet porn without having to make the embarrassing trip to the video store. Internet porn altered female brain chemistry, making them more like men," said Artie, "And thus more concerned with our bodies."

"Doesn't it get exhausting, worrying about what you eat, working out like a mad-man?" asked Finn.

"Nah. I mean, if I miss a workout, or I eat a hot dog, I hate myself for a few days, but the fact is, if I want to be cool, I gotta look the part," said Sam. The only goal he had was to be with Kurt, and he knew he had to stay in shape to get there. "You get up on stage looking like the Pillsbury Doughboy, no way you're staying popular," he said. "Come on, let's do some squats."

_Cause let's face it, Kurt's going to see my thighs at some point_ Sam thought.

* * *

><p>"Maybe that's why Sue's been such a bully all along. She really just wants to be included," hypothesized Mr. Schue. "Listen, I really don't want to overstep my boundaries here, but I really need your help," said the Glee club teacher. "I need to find all these costumes, and <span>nobody<span> knows Rocky Horror like you do. I don't know, would you mind coming on board as my costume designer?" Will asked, laying it on the line.

"Are you serious? You're not kidding?" Emma asked. "I'd love to. I would love to!" she exclaimed.

"Well, it's gonna be a lot of work, and we're gonna be spending a lot of time together" said Mr. Schue, his plan falling into place.

"Yes, it's a dream come true! Well, the costume designing is a dream come true; not the spending a lot of...not spending a lot of time wouldn't be, but it…because of Carl, I've got Carl…" as she became more and more nervous, she became more and more verbose. Will knew she needed to calm down.

"Yeah, Carl…yeah," he said.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. It was Mike Chang.

"Mr. Schue?" he said nervously. Why was it always him? "My parent's read the script, and they're pulling me out of Rocky Horror," he said sadly.

"What?" said the choir director.

"I really want to do it, but they're just not cool with me dressing up like a tranny. I hate to let you down, but I'm out," Mike said sadly.

* * *

><p>Will stopped in to Sue's office later on. He saw Becky running out, dressed as a miniature version of Sue.<p>

"Sue, bad news. Our Frank-N-Furter pulled out, and I can't find a replacement in time. Musical's cancelled," said Mr. Schue.

Sue wandered down the halls, distraught. She needed a Frank-N-Furter, anyone who could do it, when she heard Emma and Carl talking. She saw him holding up leather, and concluded the worst was happening. She went into Emma's office.

"Take your sick, perverted sex games out of this school!" she said, her voice full of wrath. For as much as she hated everyone, she did love the students, deep down.

"No, Sue, this isn't what it looks like," said Emma, backpedalling.

"I should have known. People who dress like librarians? All sex addicts," commented Sue.

"I'm sorry, and you are?" interjected Carl.

"Oh, okay," said Emma quietly. "Carl, meet Sue. Sue, this is my boyfriend Carl."

"Sue, how do you do?" asked Carl, walking around the desk to shake her hand.

"…Okay," trailed off Carl, and retracted the hand that Sue refused to shake. "I was just showing Emma my Halloween costume. We're both sort of Rocky Horror fans," he commented.

"Sort of?" asked Emma, "Please. Carl knows the lyrics to every single song. He has an amazing voice to!"

"Well, for a dentist," commented Carl humbly.

Sue had a brilliant idea. She put her plan in motion.

* * *

><p>"I don't understand," said Will.<p>

"Well, you guys have a hole to fill, and I'm just trying to help fill it," said Carl simply.

"Wanky…" giggled Santana from the back. Mrs. Pillsbury yelled at her.

"Well, you know, I can't just give you a role. You'd have to try out," Will said stubbornly.

"Fair enough, but I'll need a lady to sing to," he said as he turned to his girlfriend, "Ems?"

"Hot Patootie, B flat!" said Carl.

/Whatever happened to Saturday night?  
>When you dressed up sharp, and you felt alright?<br>It don't seem the same since cosmic light  
>Came into my life, I thought it was divine.<p>

I used to drive around with a chick who'd go  
>Listen to the music on the radio<br>A saxaphone was blowing on a rock 'n' roll show  
>You climbed in the back seat<br>Really had a good time/

The whole group joined in for the chorus.

|Hot Patootie - Bless my soul  
>I really love that Rock and Roll<br>Hot Patootie - Bless my soul  
>I really love that Rock and Roll<br>Hot Patootie - Bless my soul  
>I really love that Rock and Roll<br>Hot Patootie - Bless my soul  
>I really love that Rock and Roll|<p>

Carl went back to the verses.

/My head used to swim from the perfume I smelt  
>My hand's kinda fumbled with her white plastic belt<br>I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt  
>She'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine<br>Get back in front put some hair-oil on  
>Buddy Holly was singing his very last song<br>With your arms around you girl you try to sing along  
>You felt pretty good<br>Really had a good time/

The group joined in for chorus again.

|Hot Patootie - Bless my soul  
>I really love that Rock and Roll<br>Hot Patootie - Bless my soul  
>I really love that Rock and Roll|<p>

The key changed, and everyone continued to sing.

|Hot Patootie - Bless my soul  
>I really love that Rock and Roll<br>Hot Patootie - Bless my soul  
>I really love that Rock and Roll<br>Hot Patootie - Bless my soul  
>I really love that Rock and Roll<br>Hot Patootie - Bless my soul  
>I really love that Rock and Roll<br>Hot Patootie - Bless my soul  
>I really love that Rock and Roll<br>Hot Patootie - Bless my soul  
>I really love that Rock and Roll<br>Hot Patootie - Bless my soul  
>I really love that Rock and Roll<br>Hot Patootie - Bless my soul  
>I really love that Rock and Roll|<p>

The song ended, and everyone was thrilled.

"No, No, No, No!" Sue screamed. "This will not do!"

"Excuse me?" said Carl

"For this musical to continue, we need a Frank-N-Furter, not an Eddie! Eddie was eliminated in my rewrites," said Sue with finality.

"Sue's right," said Mr. Schuester, glad that he had a legitimate excuse to exclude Carl. "You want to play in our sandbox, sing a Frank-N-Furter number."

"Well, I'm sorry bro, but I think it's fine to wear that Frankie bustier in the privacy of your own home, (and I'm freaky like that)," he said as a sidebar to Emma, "Don't you think it's a little inappropriate in a high school musical? I mean, at least if I play Eddie I won't have to grind up against the students. You know Eddie is an important role. If I did it, I'd be showing my support for the arts," Carl said to Will.

Will got very angry at this.

"Are you telling me how to direct my show?" questioned Will.

"Will, Will!" said Carl defensively.

"Mr. Schue?" said Mercedes, hesitantly. "I'd like to play Frank-N-Furter."

Everyone looked at her.

"I was rereading the script yesterday, and it said, 'Don't dream it; be it'. And it's my dream to play a lead role, so I figure, why not me? I mean, I'd be all kinds of crazy sexy in that outfit. And I can reinterpret the number a little bit; make it more modern," She paused to take a breath, hoping he'd say yes. "I'd really like the chance, Mr. Schue."

"Well there you go, Will, you killed two birds with one stone here today—congratulations!" said Sue. "Look, you got yourself a Frank-N-Furter AND an Eddie! This is outstanding."

Everyone cheered for Mercedes, but most of all Kurt. He knew she'd been waiting for this for a long time.

After it was decided that Mercedes would take on the role of Frank-N-Furter, Sam and Quinn walked up to Kurt.

"Hey, Kurt?" Sam asked to get his attention.

Kurt's heart began to flutter. Sam was talking to him?

"Yes, Sam?" he asked.

"Well, I had a question about our scene, and I was wondering if we could work on it…" Sam asked, looking at Kurt's eyes.

"Um, well, sure," said Kurt, "My house at 7?"

"Great!" said Sam.

Kurt turned around and felt like his heart would explode. Sam was coming over!

* * *

><p>Sam was nervous when he showed up on Kurt's doorstep at 6:58 that evening. He knocked on the door, and after 10 seconds or so, was greeted by a gorgeous sight. Kurt was standing there, dressed the same as earlier, but his hair was dripping, and it was clear he'd just showered by the red on his cheeks.<p>

"Hi," said Sam, with a huge grin on his face.

"Hi," said Kurt, smiling too. "Did you want to come in?" he asked cordially.

"Oh, yeah," said Sam absently. He'd been too lost in Kurt's beautiful hazel eyes.

"Come on, I'll show you the basement. It's actually my room too, but it's the biggest space in the house," said Kurt.

The two boys walked downstairs quickly. This afforded Sam a generous view of Kurt's ass, one that made his mouth water.

"So, what did you need help with?" asked Kurt, oblivious to Sam's desires.

"Well, I've never really acted before, and I was hoping you had some suggestions," said Sam.

"Well then, I'm your guy!" exclaimed Kurt.

The two talked about posture, facing the audience, and the other basics of being onstage, before Kurt steered the conversation to Rocky Horror.

"So, what did you specifically need help with?" asked Kurt, trying to narrow his focus.

Sam scrambled to find an answer. He hadn't thought that far ahead!

"I, well, I'm supposed to…act…scared, I guess?" the blonde suggested.

"…Well that's a start…" said Kurt, "…but is that it?"

"Yeah, I think so," said Sam.

"Okay. Then I know where to begin. I want you to think of the scariest thing in your entire life, and tell me what it is.

_Losing you…_thought the blonde.

"Um, I guess my friends or family being hurt?" he said.

"Okay, so now I want you to focus on that. I want you to think of that happening the worst way possible, then add spiders and Coach Sylvester to it. Are you frightened?" asked Kurt.

Sam was on the verge of trembling.

"Yeah dude. Got it," answered the blonde.

"Okay. When you're onstage, think of how you feel right now, and your expression will come across!" exclaimed Kurt. "Anything else?"

Sam really didn't want to go yet, but there wasn't anything else to talk about, at least not that Sam was ready to talk about.

"Okay! Well then, I'll see you tomorrow?" asked Kurt.

"Of course…" said Sam dejectedly. Kurt led him to the door.

"Bye Sam!" he said, and shut the door.

"…bye Kurt…" said Sam, his heart heavy with sadness, as he turned to walk back to his car.

* * *

><p>"Are you ready for our first dress rehearsal?" asked a very nervous Mr. Schue.<p>

"Mmhmm!" responded Mrs. Pillsbury.

"Okay guys…places!" shouted Mr. Schue.

The curtain opened. Everyone was where they should be, except for…

"Uh, Mr. Schue?" asked Finn hesitantly. "I know I'm supposed to be in my underwear for this scene, and I'm totally down with that, but I thought maybe I would save it for the opening, if that's okay," finished Finn quietly.

Mr. Schue nodded.

"Also, Mrs. Pillsbury, is there any way I could get like, some gold board shorts or something? These are really short, I'm afraid I'm gonna show off some nuttage…" said Sam as he drifted off.

Kurt's brain short circuited. He was everything that was Sam; everything. From his abs, to his thighs, to his package nestled within the gold shorts…Kurt was pretty sure he had the biggest boner he'd ever experienced. He wanted to take a picture, and keep it forever. His train of thought was interrupted by Mr. Schue.

"We can't stop, guys! It's a dress rehearsal. Come on, keep going," said the irate teacher.

The scene began.

"Oh Brad! Let's get out of here," said Janet/Rachel, "I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared!" As she spoke, the two backed closer and closer to the descending elevator.

"I'm here, there's nothing to…" said Brad/Finn, but he was cut off by a scream.

/How do you do, I see you met my faithful handyman/

Mercedes crossed the stage over to Riff Raff.

/He's just a little broke down  
>'Cause wouldn't you know<br>He thought you were the candy man./

She joined Magenta and Columbia, and the three walked towards Brad and Janet.

/Don't get strung out  
>By the way I look;<br>Don't judge a book by its cover.

I'm not much of a girl, by the light of day  
>But by night I'm one hell of a lover.<br>I'm just a sweet transvestite,  
>From Sin-sational, Transylvania

She walked toward the two alone.

/Why don't you stay for the night/  
>Magenta echoed.<br>\Night!\  
>Or maybe a bite/  
>This time, Columbia echoed.<br>\Bite!\  
>I could show you my favorite obsession  
>I've been making a man, with<br>Blonde hair and a tan  
>And he's good for relieving my tension!<p>

I'm just a sweet transvestite, from  
>Sin-sational, Transylvania

The whole chorus echoed her as well.

/I'm just a sweet transvestite/  
>|Sweet transvestite…|<br>/From Sin-sational…/  
>|Transylvania|<p>

Mercedes walked to the elevator with everyone and turned around.

/So come up to the lab  
>See what's on the slab<br>I see you shiver with anitici…/

She drifted off, for dramatic effect.

Will and Emma couldn't hold it in.

"PATION!" They both shouted.

/But maybe the rain  
>Isn't really to blame<br>So I'll remove the cause…  
>BUT NOT THE SYMPTOM!

Mercedes held the note for a long time, and finished it to applause and laughter.

Carl drove through the wall suddenly, completely ruining the show.

* * *

><p>Will was in his Spanish classroom, waiting for Emma to show up. He was royally pissed.<p>

"Hey, Will. I got your note that you wanted to see me?" she asked.

"Yeah…" said Will, "we have a problem with the show. It's Carl."

Mrs. Pillsbury looked at Will, slightly hurt.

"Really?" she asked, "I thought he was perfect…"

"I agree, but, uh…what he said during his audition…it's haunted me," said Will quietly. "He's right," continued Will, "some of these parts are just too adult for the kids to play."

"Oh, yeah, well I have to agree, Will. Especially Sam."

"Sam, right! He seems so uncomfortable," said Will, glad Emma understood.

"I know, I…yeah," she responded.

"So I spoke with him," said Will.

[FLASHBACK]  
>"Is there something wrong with my body?" asked Sam. He was really upset. He'd wanted to show off for Kurt, to show him what he was like. Granted, he was nervous, but he still wanted to show off.<p>

"Your body's fine, Sam!" said Mr. Schue enthusiastically, "but frankly, I think the role's a little too risqué for a student."

Sam sighed.

"I did feel kind of…embarrassed," responded Sam. Even though he wanted to show off, he had to admit he was unsure of what Kurt would think. "Who's gonna play Rocky?" asked the blonde.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"I guess I have to…" trailed off Will.

"I…I'm sorry?" questioned Emma, rather confused.

Will laughed.

"I figured, if Carl can play Eddie, then I can play Rocky!" said Mr. Schuester. "The thing is, I'm not as familiar with the libretto as you are, and I could really use your help in rehearsing," he finished, his plan coming together.

"Uh…I'm not…are you sure that's a good idea?" asked Mrs. Pillsbury, "I mean, you'll be a great Rocky. You look really, really g-great; healthy!" she stuttered awkwardly, "but I mean, you're a teacher…"

"Which is why I should do it," finished Mr. Schue, "It will give the show a little more credibility, you know?"

Mrs. Pillsbury simply nodded.

"So…think you could help me out?" he pleaded, "I mean, I have to have Touch-A Touch Me down by rehearsal tomorrow."

"Yeah, okay," said Emma quietly.

"Okay?" confirmed Will.

"Yeah, I guess, if you want to start over there, and I will start…here," she said, moving them both around.

"Right, good, good, good, good, good! So let's just imagine that we're all alone in Frank-N-Furter's lab," said Will, not noticing the two Cheerio's who had popped up in his window.

"Okay," said Emma. The music began, and she started to sing.

/I was feeling done in  
>Couldn't win<br>I'd only ever kissed before…/

As Emma drifted off, Santana turned to Brittney. The two had snuck in to see this.

"You mean she?"

"Uh-huh" Brittney answered.

/I thought there's no use getting  
>Into heavy sweating<br>It only leads to trouble  
>And bad fretting<br>Now all I want to know  
>Is how to go<br>I've tasted blood and I want more/

Santana and Brittney chimed in.  
>|More, more, more!|<p>

/I'll put up no resistance  
>I want to stay the distance<br>I've got an itch to scratch  
>I need assistance…<p>

Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a touch me!  
>I wanna be dirty.<br>Thrill me, chill me, fufill me,  
>Creature of the night!

Will didn't know how to react to Emma's advances

/Then if anything shows  
>While you pose<br>I'll oil you up and drop you down/

As she ripped off Will's shirt, Santana and Britt joined in again

|Down, down down!|

/And that's just one small fraction  
>Of the main attraction<br>Oh I want a friendly man,  
>And I need action!

/Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a touch me!  
>I wanna be dirty.<br>Thrill me, chill me, fufill me,  
>Creature of the night!

Brittney and Santana skipped down the hall, singing together

|Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a touch me!  
>I wanna be dirty.<br>Thrill me, chill me, fufill me,  
>Creature of the night!|<p>

Emma took over again

/Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a touch me!  
>I wanna be dirty.<br>Thrill me, chill me, fufill me,  
>Creature of the night!

| Creature of the night!|  
>| Creature of the night!|<br>| Creature of the night!|  
>| Creature of the night!|<br>| Creature of the night!|  
>| Creature of the night!|<p>

At the end of the song, Emma ran out of the room, leaving a very confused and horny Will Schuester alone.

* * *

><p>Sam walked into the weight room and saw Finn struggling with a free-weight. He ran over to pull it off.<p>

"Oh, wow, yeah. I would have had it," said Finn, trying to keep a little pride.

"Yeah, sure," said Sam.

"Not that big!" countered Finn, "Where've you been? You're late."

"Sorry, I spaced," said Sam. "I'm not playing Rocky anymore."

Finn looked up and saw how upset Sam was.

"You're kidding. Who is?" asked Finn.

"Mr. Schue," replied Sam. "I totally blew this. I shouldn't have made all those demands about my costume!" he griped. "I just feel…fat! Like I had rolls hanging over those gold shorts."

Finn scoffed. "But you're in perfect shape, dude," he said, "but wait, since I said I'm uncomfortable in the tighty-whities, does that mean I'm gonna get replaced next?"

"No, you don't have to worry about that," said Sam, "The Brad part isn't about looking hot. It's about feeling confident in who you are and how you look, no matter how douchey you are. That guy is totally cool being uncool," finished the blonde.

"Yeah, I'm definitely not there," said Finn, "I actually started showering with my shirt on…"

"Look, stop knocking yourself out here. Just be you, and the sexy will follow through," said Sam.

"Yeah…yeah, you're right!" said Finn. "I don't need to hide behind my muscles like you do."

"Awsome," said the blonde, then thought for a second, "I think. Are you insulting me? Where are you going?" he asked as Finn headed toward the door.

"To show everyone how hot and sexy I am," responded Finn.

Sam looked in a mirror, and pinched a tiny bit of fat off of his body.

"Oh, wow. Damn those Cool Ranch Doritos," he cursed.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, rehearsal was taking place in the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion.<p>

"Eddie? I've seen him," said Artie/Dr. Scott.

"Eddie? What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?" asked Mercedes-gone-tranny.

"I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see…Eddie happens to be my nephew," revealed the wheelchair-bound actor.

"This play is terrible," interjected Sue.

"Finn's line, 'Doctor Scott!'" said Mr. Schue

"Janet!" said Dr. Scott as Rachel jumped up out of the tank.

"Finn's line, 'Janet!'" said Mr. Schue again.

"I'm so bored I just fell into a micro-sleep," snarked Sue.

"Brad!" exclaimed Janet

"Rocky!" yelled Mercedes.

Mr. Schuester, being Rocky as well, growled.

"Janet!"

"Dr. Scott!"

"Still being Finn, 'Janet!'"

"Brad"

"Rocky!"

"GRRRR"

"None of this is plausible!"

"Janet!"

"Dr. Scott!"

"Finn's line, 'Janet!'"

"Brad!"

"Rocky!"

"GRRRR"

"This play has incredible pacing problems," commented Sue.

"Mr. Schue, it is pointless to rehearse this scene without Finn," said Rachel.

"We don't have a choice, he's late and he's not answering his phone. We gotta get this timing down!" said Mr. Schuester angrily. "And would you please stop interjecting your opinions, Sue?"

"Opinions? These are my rewrites," claimed the Cheerio coach.

"William! I'd like to see you in my office please!" shouted Principal Figgins, who had walked into the theater.

* * *

><p>"Suspended? For what?" asked Will. He was sitting in Figgins' office next to a distraught looking Finn.<p>

"I sort of walked down the hall in my Rocky Horror costume," said Finn.

Will sighed. "Why would you do that?" he asked quietly.

"I was trying to get comfortable in my costume!" responded Finn, "You don't know how hard it is for us guys to be exposed like that…I just thought maybe it would make me feel hot enough to get up on stage and sing in my underwear."

"I'm recommending one month's suspension and summer school to make up for any lost class time," said Figgins.

"Can we have a moment alone please?" Will asked of Finn, who stood up and went through the door.

"You can't do this to him. He was just coming to rehearsal in his costume. That's not a crime!" said Will.

"Nine children have already signed up for after-school therapy. I had to bring in a grief counselor!" replied Figgins.

"Last year, when the Cheerios won the national championship, Santana pants'ed Brittney, and she was wearing a lot less than her underwear. Neither of them were suspended!" countered Mr. Schuester.

"That was in the middle of a celebration," said Figgins.

"But there's still a precedent," William said.

"Fine! A warning," said Figgins.

"Thank you," sighed Mr. Schue.

"William? Your motivations for doing this production are murky to me, considering all that you are risking, if something goes too far," commented Figgins.

"What are you saying?" asked Will.

"I'm saying you're welcome to continue with this, but if you get any heat about it, I won't be able to protect you. You're putting you and your Glee club on the line, and I want you to be sure that whatever you're doing it for is worth it!" shouted Figgins. His voice had grown steadily over the course of his speech. Mr. Schuester nodded, and left the room.

* * *

><p>|There's a light,<br>Light in the darkness  
>Of everybody…| sang Rachel and Finn, before they were suddenly cut off by Carl.<p>

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Schuester, are you messing with my woman? I thought we had a deal!" he exclaimed loudly.

"I-I-I-I don't…I don't know what you're talking about," stuttered Mr. Schue.

"Yes you do, because Emma and I have a full disclosure policy; total honesty. Something that allows us to have a little thing I like to call intimacy—something you clearly know nothing about," seethed a very angry Carl.

"Look, we were just rehearsing…" started Mr. Schue, before he was cut off.

"Stop it, bro! Look, man-to-man, you gave me your word," said Carl.

"So, what, you quitting the show?" asked Will.

"No, no, no, no. Unlike you, I believe in the power of the arts. I don't use them to pick up other guy's chicks," snarled Carl.

* * *

><p>Mr. Schuester had retreated to his office. He was still working on the script when Becky came in.<p>

"Trick-or-treat!" she said happily.

"Oh, jeez, Becky, I forgot that Take Back the Night Club was going door-to-door this evening."

"I want my chocolate bar," she said.

"I'm sorry. I've been working so hard on Rocky Horror I forgot to buy candy!" he said, angry at himself more than anything.

"Rocky Horror is an…abomination," stuttered out the younger girl.

"What did you just say?" asked a confused Mr. Schue.

"That's what Coach Sue says on her tape," explained Becky. "It's in her office. I'll show you.

* * *

><p>"So, I went undercover to show you what your tax dollars are funding in our public schools in the name of the arts. Now, I'm all about personal freedom. I publicly voiced my support for that lady who wants to marry her own sores. But just because you're free to say whatever you want, doesn't mean you should. Artists are free to push boundaries to make art. But when pushing boundaries is their only aim, it usually ends in bad art. There's a time and a place for everything, and squeamishness about what we want our children exposed to is not the same as bigotry. Freedom-loving adults are free to have a lively debate about what we want our society to be. But let's not make our children fight the culture war for us. They deserve a little better than that. And that's how Sue sees it!"<p>

As Sue ended her report, a cold wave of dread washed over him. That's why she wanted to join the cast!

"Give me chocolate or I will cut you," threatened Becky.

Will looked at her, and realized he'd fallen into the Twilight Zone.

* * *

><p>"Sue, you set me up!" seethed Mr. Schuester as he stormed into the teacher's lounge.<p>

"Hey, there, William. Root through anyone's personal belongings lately?" asked Sue saracastically.

"When were you planning on airing that?" question Will.

"Opening night. That's why I pretaped it. Oh, I know you're furious Will," she said as she sat down, "But do you honestly believe anything I said was unreasonable?" she countered.

"Well…" he looked out the window for a moment, then sat down. "No," he responded.

"There are limits, Will. There is a line. And for reasons I suspect have nothing to do with your kids, you crossed it. You can't yell fire in a crowded theater, and you can't expose kids to material like this; not on the taxpayer's dime," she explained.

"Oh, please, Sue!" he yelled, "They have the internet. They are exposed!"

"Don't lead them to it! Don't make it okay. They're kids!" she responded. "And now more than ever, high school is a dangerous place, and it's our job to guide them through it safely. And we still get to torture them along the way. It's a fabulous system," she said grinning.

Will sighed.

"You're right," he said, "I'm pulling the show."

Sue became alarmed.

"Wait. What?" she asked.

"I'm cancelling the show. You were right. I was totally wrong," said the director.

"Well, shouldn't you wait until after opening night? I mean, the kids worked so hard…"

"Sorry, Sue," he cut her off.

"Hey, do it for the kids, Will. I need that local Emmy, Will!" she screamed.

* * *

><p>"Are you sure you want to cancel the whole thing?" asked a concerned Mrs. Pillsbury.<p>

"I never should have tried to put it on in the first place," he responded with a sigh. "The reality is…I only did all this to get close to you."

"I guess love can make you do some crazy things, you know?" she asked him quietly.

"I'm sorry, Emma. And I promise to never abuse our feelings for each other again. Let's face it. Carl is actually making you better. And if I really love you…I'll need to back off and accept the fact that, at least for now, being there with him is the best thing for you," finished Will sadly.

"So what are you gonna tell the kids?" she questioned.

* * *

><p>"I want to apologize for putting you guys through all of this—particularly Finn and Sam," said Mr. Schuester quietly.<p>

"It's cool, Mr. Schue. I'm sure the teasing will die down by my tenth reunion anyway," responded Finn.

"And I got asked to be June in the Men of Mckinley High calendar," responded Sam.

"I'm happy for you!" said Will. "But we still can't do the musical. I was wrong. Rocky Horror isn't about pushing boundaries, or making an audience accept a certain rebellious point of view. Those were my reasons for doing it, and they aren't worth risking what we have here for. And when I was younger, and they started midnight shows of Rocky Horror, it wasn't for envelope pushers. It was for outcasts, people on the fringes who had no place left to go, but were searching for someplace—any place, where they felt like they belonged. Sound familiar?" he asked. "The truth is, with that perspective, Rocky Horror is the perfect show for this club."

"Well then, why aren't we putting it on?" asked Santana.

"We're still gonna perform Rocky Horror," said Will, "We're just not doing it for an audience. We're doing it for ourselves."

* * *

><p>The music began to play, and Kurt began to sing.<p>

/It's astounding; time is fleeting.  
>Madness takes it toll.<br>But listen closely…/

Quinn cut in.

\But not for very much longer…\  
>I've got to keep control!/

Finn took over the main lines at this point.

/I remember doing the time warp  
>Drinking those moments when<br>The blackness would hit me/

Quinn joined Finn for this part.

|And the void would be calling…|

At which point everyone joined in…

|Let's do the time warp again!  
>Let's do the time warp again!|<p>

Artie spoke the next bit.

\It's just a jump to the left.\  
>|And then a step to the right|<br>\Put your hands on your hips\  
>|And bring you knees in tight<br>But it's the pelvic thrust  
>That really drives you insane<br>Let's do the time warp again!  
>Let's do the time warp again!|<p>

Quinn began her part as Magenta.

\It's so dreamy  
>Oh, fantasy free me<br>So you can't see me  
>No, not at all.<br>In another dimension  
>With voyeuristic intention,<br>Well secluded, I see all.\

Kurt came in.

/With a bit of a mind flip,/  
>\You're into the time slip,\<br>/And nothing can ever be the same./  
>\You're spaced out on sensation,\<p>

Finn jumped in for this line.

/Like you're under sedation…/

|Let's do the time warp again!  
>Let's do the time warp again!|<p>

Brittney came in as Columbia.

/Well I was walking down the street, just a-having a think,  
>When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.

Tina took over the next part.

\He shook me up, he took me by surprise,  
>He had a pickup truck, and the Devil's eyes.<br>He stared at me, and I felt a change;  
>Time meant nothing— never would again!\<p>

|Let's do the time warp again!  
>Let's do the time warp again!|<p>

"It's just a jump to the left," spoke Artie.

|And then a step to the right!|

"Put your hands on your hips…"

|And bring your knees in tight  
>But it's the pelvic thrust<br>That really drives you insane  
>Let's do the time warp again!<br>Let's do the time warp again!|

* * *

><p>And that's it! Thank you guys so much for reading. Please leave a review if you liked it; I live for them! =).<p>

I'm looking to start the next episode tonight and run into tomorrow morning/afternoon. Believe it or not, it takes me around three to four hours just to get the lines down for each episode, then another two or so to add my own touches and edit things. This takes a while _.

Anyway, thanks again!


	3. 02x06: Never Been Kissed

Hi everyone! This is the third installment of my epic rewrites. Thank you everyone for all of your reviews and your kind words. They are what drive me to write. I will point out this is a slow story; not a quick, Sam and Kurt are gonna start dating. I won't lie, that's not gonna happen until a few episodes down the road. This is a story that takes time to build and grow.

Again, this story is dedicated to the delicious Sussiekitten and to my fellow Gleek, nikkithedead.

Disclaimer has been disclaimed, and so all parties are happy.

Once again, _italics_ are thoughts, [BRACKETS] are flashbacks, and our friends the / and \\ denote single voices, while || denotes more than one. Also, because I've realized I need to include these now, {squiggly brackets} denote a text message.

On with it!

* * *

><p>Sam and Finn were in the locker room. This was not news to anyone, whatsoever. However, while Finn was in a steaming hot bath, Sam was sitting in a vat of ice water.<p>

"Dude. How do you stand that cold tub?" asked Finn, dubious that anyone would want to be in it.

"Oh, trust me. I'm used to cold showers," said Sam.

[FLASHBACK]  
>Sam was sitting in math, minding his own business, when he noticed Kurt walk in.<p>

Wearing a skirt. And leggings. That revealed just how toned Kurt's thighs were.

_I wonder if the rest of Kurt is just as toned_ thought the horny blonde. He then realized just where he was, and the problem that now resided in his jeans.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"Been there, dude. Actually, still there now, but how did I find the only girl in high school that won't put out?" commented Finn.

"What do you do, though?" asked Sam, curious to find something that would help is constant erections go away.

"Well, easy," said Finn, "I just think about the opposite of what I'm doing," and proceeded to fill Sam in on 'the mailman' scenario.

"I've never actually almost killed a civil servant before…" trailed off Sam.

"Well, you have to find something to be your own buzz kill," replied Finn, "You know, something that is totally not hot."

The two were drawn to the sound of Coach Beiste's voice.

"I don't care! If you're on this football team, you'll wear a cup, no exceptions!" she shouted.

"Hey, have you ever noticed that when the Beiste gets all fired up, her underpants go right up her butt?" said Finn.

Sam shivered a little, and not from the cold.

"Looks like I've found my mailman…" he responded.

* * *

><p>Kurt and Tina walked in to the school building arm in arm the next morning.<p>

"I take it we have a lot of sweater trains to look forward to this season." she said happily. The two walked in companionable silence until Kurt was violently slammed into a locker by none other than Karofsky.

"You okay?" asked Tina.

"Yeah, fine," said Kurt quietly.

At least Kurt had Glee to look forward to.

* * *

><p>As the two walked in to class, Mr. Schue began to speak.<p>

"Alright, guys, let's get down to business! First, let's welcome back Noah Puckerman!"

At this, everyone cheered.

"Puck, I hope your time in Juvie has taught you a lesson or two about right and wrong," said Mr. Schue confidently.

"Are you kidding me? I ruled that place," said Puck, "All I did was crack skulls and lift weights all day."

"Wow, what a catch. Can't believe I ever let you go," snarked Quinn.

"And now, drum roll, Finn," requested the Glee coach, "because I have in my hand our competition for sectionals next month."

Everyone began to chatter excitedly.

"First, an a capella choir from the all-boys private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers." Said Mr. Schue.

As everyone cheered, Santana chimed in.

"Okay, hold up, like a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head," she commented.

Kurt glared at her.

"And the other team to beat…the Hipsters, a first year club from the Warren Township Continuing Education Program," said the choir teacher, "now they are a Glee club composed entirely of elderly people getting their high school GED's."

"Is that legal?" asked Rachel.

"How are we supposed to compete against a bunch of adorable old people?" questioned Mercedes.

"Are you kidding?" asked Puck, "give one of those ladies a good-luck pat on the rear, it'll shatter her pelvis." Everyone laughed.

"Moving on," said Mr. Schue, "since it seemed to get you guys jazzed about sectionals last year, I want to make this week our second, annual Boys vs. Girls tournament.

The choir room burst into cheers, hoots, hollers and whistles.

"So, split up into two groups, and figure out what songs you're gonna sing!" said Will.

The room began to segregate by gender, with one exception.

"Kurt, I'm gonna say it again. Boys team," commented their director. Kurt shot him a scathing look full of venom. Sam felt bad, on the one hand; he wanted Kurt to be happy. On the other, he was glad, because—as selfish as it was, this way he got to work with Kurt.

* * *

><p>"I know it's not my place to ask, but can you push me down the back staircase instead? My injuries should be the same, but it's more lightly populated, so the humiliation won't be as bad," said Artie, knowing all too well who was pushing his wheelchair.<p>

"Relax; I'm here to take care of you. You're my boy now!" said Puck enthusiastically.

"I don't understand," replied Artie.

"I got out of Juvie early because I agreed to do community service, but I ain't pickin' up trash along the freeway. That's ghetto! So I told my probie officer that I knew a cripple who needed some help. She went for it," finished Puck.

"…I'm your community service?" asked Artie?

"There's no way I'm going back to Juvie. There's no chicks, and no kosher meal options up in that place," said Puck.

"Oh, cool, so we're like, friends!" responded Artie.

"Whoa, slow down, Professor X. I never said anything about liking you. Now shut up right quick. We're gonna steal some food from the cafeteria. This chair's a great place for hiding stuff…" said Puck as he turned down the hall, just a moment too soon to see Kurt get slammed into the lockers by Karofsky once again.

"What is your problem?" screamed Kurt.

"You talking back to me?" asked Karofsky, his voice cocky. "You want a piece of the Fury?"

"The Fury?" questioned Kurt skeptically.

"That's what I named my fist," threatened the jock.

"Well, with that level of creativity you could easily become assistant manager at a rendering plant," said the diva.

"I don't know what that is, but if I find out it's bad, the Fury's gonna find you," responded Karofsky, and for the third time, slammed Kurt into a locker.

Thankfully, Mr. Schue Kurt immediately after and brought him back to his office.

* * *

><p>"Is there anything I can do?" asked Will sympathetically. He gave Kurt a paper cup filled with water.<p>

Kurt sighed, and responded.

"…No. This is my hill to climb alone."

"Can I be honest?" said Mr. Schue, not needing and answer, "I think it's getting to you. Usually this stuff rolls right off your back. But lately, you've been belligerent, angry, pushing people away…"

"Can I be honest with you?" asked Kurt. Will nodded.

"You, like everyone else at this school, are too quick to let homophobia slide. And your lesson plans are boring and repetitive. Boys vs. Girls? That doesn't challenge any of us," snarked Kurt. He was hurt, and rightfully so.

"You mean, because I didn't let you join the girls like you wanted?" asked Mr. Schuester, critical of his student.

"To answer your question, yes, I'm unhappy. And yes, being the only out gay kid at this school gets me down. But most of all, I'm not challenged in the least here," commented the soprano, leaving with the last word.

* * *

><p>"Look, I'm not tossing the baby out with the bathwater here," said Mr. Schue to his Glee club.<p>

"I've totally done that," responded Brittney.

"We're just making an adjustment. Boys, you are now doing songs by girl groups. And girls, try some classic rock—uh, The Who, The Stones. The more opposite your choice, the more points you get," finished Mr. Schue.

"Don't worry gentleman; I have this one under control!" said Kurt.

* * *

><p>"Now, obviously, for this medley to work, I'm going to have to sing lead, and of course, when you're singing Diana Ross, Bob Mackie-esque marabou feather boas are a must," said the soprano confidently.<p>

Sam was imagining Kurt in nothing but a feather boa, and crossed his legs.

"Isn't this lesson about opposites?" asked Artie. "I mean, you in a sequined gown and a feather boa is exactly what you'd expect."

"Okay, who said anything about a gown?" commented Kurt, getting defensive over his plan.

"Dude, why don't you make yourself useful and go put some rat poison in the old folks' Jell-O, or visit the Garglers?" suggested Puck.

"The Warblers," corrected the soprano.

"Whatever. See what they're up to. And you can wear all the feathers you want. You'll blend right in!" said Puck sarcastically while throwing the football to Finn.

Kurt stood there with his mouth open for a second, before closing it abruptly. He sighed.

"Fine," he said. He grabbed his presentation and left the room.

Sam, Mike, Artie, Finn, and Puck all looked at each other skeptically. Was that really the Kurt they all knew?

* * *

><p>Later on that evening, Finn was at Rachel's, making out (as they were wont to do). Rachel was being very sensuous and sitting on Finn's lap, whispering naughty things into his ears. She laid down, and he followed her, realizing things were starting to get hot. He began to visualize the mailman, but instead of his usual mailman incident, a vision of Coach Beiste appeared. She was chopping up ribs with a meat cleaver angrily.<p>

"Say my name, Finn," requested Rachel. "I said, say my name."

This dragged Finn back into the real world for a few moments. His feet began to shake. He knew he was getting close. He closed his eyes and thought of the mailman, but again, all he could think of was Coach Beiste. This time, she wore a Cheerio's outfit, and had pom-poms.

"I said, say my name," the Beiste-inside-his-head told him.

"Beiste…" whispered Finn.

Rachel backed off. Had Finn just said…no…he couldn't…

"Are you okay?" she asked sharply.

"Yeah, baby," Finn replied, getting control of himself and not realizing his slip-up, "I could do this for hours…"

* * *

><p>After Finn left for the evening, Rachel immediately called Quinn. Although the two weren't exactly the closest of friends, this was something she needed help with.<p>

"Hey, Quinn, it's Rachel!" she said as the blonde girl picked up.

"Rachel, it is ten o'clock on a school night. What do you need?"

"Well, I have something to ask you…"

* * *

><p>"I know what I heard," said Rachel. Quinn had convinced Rachel to go see Coach Sylvester with her. "We were making out, and then…then…" she became teary, "He said it. He said 'Beiste'!" she sobbed out. "He must have been picturing her!" Rachel managed to say through her sobbing.<p>

"That is the most horrific image I can imagine," said the Cheerio's coach.

"Coach, what do we do? Rachel is innocent, but she's dating a guy…"

"…who would rather be dry-humping She-Hulk. Oh, dear God, why did I say that? Now that's what I'm picturing. Do you know what kind of disgusting images I'm going to have to look at to get this out of my head? I'm gonna have to go straight to the wound care center. I gonna have to stare at some wounds," responded Coach Sylvester, the look upon her face one of sheer disgust.

"Wait…this may be the opportunity I've been waiting for!" continued Sue, "A way to get Beiste out of this school, and to get your football playing Elton John back in your arms!" she said to Rachel.

"What do I need to do?" asked Rachel, desperate to save her relationship with Finn.

"We need to go public with your pain," said Sue, "get people talking about this. Make Beiste into the next Mary Kay Letourneau. And you need to give him a piece of your mind—loud, and in public. Show him who's the boss," finished Coach Sylvester. She had a horrifying expression come over her face.

"Oh, man, now I'm picturing the two of them making out during an episode of Who's the Boss!" she complained. Rachel looked disgusted, but couldn't help but smile. She got to keep Finn!

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Puck and Artie set up out in the courtyard that was really more of a cement jungle.<p>

"Shouldn't you be studying Geometry? Aren't you failing?" asked Artie skeptically.

"One thing I learned in Juvie? Cash is king," said Puck, throwing some money into his guitar case, "lets peole know we're not doing it for free."

"Wait, you think people are going to pay us to sing? I don't think busking is allowed in school…" questioned Artie.

"Watch and learn, young Jedi in a wheelchair," responded Noah.

Puck began to strum on his guitar. Artie felt invigorated.

"This is so…badass! I've never broken rules like this," said the geek. Puck started to sing.

/One love, one heart,  
>Let's get together and feel alright

Artie started in,

\Hear the children crying\  
>One love,/  
>\Hear the children crying\<br>/One heart;/

The two joined voices.

|Sayin' give thanks and praise  
>To the Lord and I will feel alright<br>Sayin' let's get together and  
>Feel alright!|<p>

\Let them pass all their dirty remarks,  
>There is one question I'd really love to ask.\<p>

/One heart! Is there a place  
>For the hopeless sinner<br>Who has hurt all mankind  
>Just to save his own.

\Believe me! One love!\  
>What about the one heart?/  
>\One heart!\<br>/What about love?/  
>|Let's get together and feel all right!|<p>

\As it was in the beginning,\  
>One love!/  
>\So shall it be in the end,\<br>/One heart!/

|Give thanks and praise to the Lord,  
>And I will feel alright<br>Let's get together and feel alright!|

The student body outside began to applaud.

"Holy crap, there's like, 300 bucks in here!" said Artie quietly.

"Yeah, you really can't put a dollar amount on the value of talent plus fear," said Puck.

"I can. It's about…300 bucks," laughed Artie, "What are we going to do with it?" he asked.

"Buy a butt load of clove cigarettes, then…I don't know," said Puck.

As Puck was talking, Artie saw Brittney and Santana walking down the steps.

"You want her?" Puck asked in reference to Britt. "You don't need any cash for that; she's free!" he joked.

"She was my first," said Artie," and now I think I want her back…"

"So go get her!" responded Puck.

"It's not that simple. I was kind of mean to her when I blew her off," Artie continued sadly.

"This is perfect. The thing about chicks is you only have to be a fraction as nice to them as you are mean to them to get them to like you again," explained Noah.

"So…what do we do?" asked Artie.

"Here's a little community service comin' at ya," said Puck, "you and I are gonna take this dough and go on a double date with Santana and Brittany to the Styx! Yeah," he commented as the two gave each other knucks, "best community servicer ever, right?"

* * *

><p>That same day, Kurt decided to skip school and go out to Dalton. He made the trip to Westerville in about 40 minutes, listening to music the whole way. He sang along for most of it. When he finally got there, he was astonished. It was a beautiful old building, and the architecture made his heart pound. He began down the spiral staircase, where he spotted a boy at the bottom.<p>

"Um, excuse me?" he said hesitantly, "Can I ask you a question? I'm new here."

"My name's Blaine," said the other boy, introducing himself.

"Kurt," responded the diva, "so, what exactly is going on?" he asked, confused as to all the commotion.

"The Warblers! Every now and then they throw an impromptu performance in the senior commons. It tends to shut the school down for awhile," exclaimed Blaine.

"So, wait, the Glee club here is kind of cool?" asked a very confused Kurt.

"The Warblers are like rock stars," at this, Kurt raised his eyebrows. "Come on, I know a shortcut!" said Blaine, and grabbed his hand.

Kurt, having never held another boy's hand before, felt more free than he ever had in his entire life. The two arrived in the senior commons, only to see a massive crowd of boys.

"Oh, I stick out like a sore thumb," said Kurt sadly.

"Well next time don't forget your jacket, new kid!" said Blaine, casually playing with Kurt's lapels. "You'll fit right in. Now, if you'll excuse me…"

And it wasn't too long before Kurt was serenaded by the Warblers rendition of Katy Perry.

* * *

><p>"Wait. That's hilarious. Picturing Beiste helps cool you off?" asked an incredulous Tina. The two were standing at Mike Chang's locker.<p>

"That's what Finn said!" responded Mike.

"Really? Well, then let's get a room," said Tina sensuously. She grabbed him by the hand and off they went.

"I love making out under the stars," she said, her voice sultry as she dragged Mike into the astronomy classroom.

"With those abs, you could be my very own situation," she commented. Tina pulled Mike onto the table with her.

"Slow down…" said the dancer, "we can't get caught in here; we should probably cool off," said Mike.

"But I'm so turned on right now!" moaned Tina. She couldn't…could she?

All of the sudden, her vision was filled with the Beiste, doing ballet in the hall and smoking. "This'll cool you down a little bit," said the vision in her head.

"Beiste…" whispered Tina aloud.

"What did you say?" asked Mike sharply.

"Nothing…" said Tina, shaken to the core, "I gotta go. I'll see you in Glee club!" she shouted as she walked out the door.

"Beiste?" muttered Mike all to himself.

* * *

><p>"Just be honest with me—I won't get mad at you if you tell me the truth. I'll be relieved," said Rachel, pleading with Finn.<p>

"Really? Because it looks like you're gonna be mad no matter what I say," replied Finn.

"You said another woman's name while you were kissing me! Look, I get it. She's in a position of power over you, which can be exciting, and you clearly like women who give you a hard time," continued Rachel scathingly.

"I'm not cheating on you with my football coach!" responded Finn. "Look, can we talk about this in private?"

"Why, am I embarrassing you?" asked Rachel.

"It's not what you think," said Finn

"What I think is that since I've decided to wait, and not indulge in our fantasies, so you've decided to go elsewhere, including the locker room with the Beiste," finished an angry Rachel.

"What's this?" asked the Coach, who happened to walk by at that moment.

"This is a lover's quarrel, and is your fault!" exclaimed Rachel.

"Watch your tone, Missy! You crap on my leg, I'll cut it off!" threatened Coach Beiste.

"I'll leave you two," said Rachel, and turned up her nose. As she walked away, Mr. Schuester walked up.

"Everything okay?" he asked. Coach Beiste looked bewildered. Just then, Mike Chang rounded the corner.

"Stay away from my woman!" he sneered at the Beiste.

"What the hell is going on around here?" she asked, completely confused. She walked away, shaking her head.

"What's going on, Finn?" asked Mr. Schue.

Finn wasn't sure what to say.

* * *

><p>"How many of the guys have done this?" asked a very pissed off Will Schuester.<p>

"All the guys whose girlfriends won't put out," responded Finn awkwardly.

"It's the girls too," added Mike.

"This is really bad, guys. What if Coach Beiste were to find out about it? Think about how hurt she'd be!" said the choir director.

"But it's not personal…" mumbled Finn.

"Of course it's personal! Look, Coach Beiste is like us, Like Glee club; she's an outsider at this school. No one appreciated her or her talent because they've decided that she's too different. And for you guys to abuse that, even in private, is the opposite of EVERYTHING we're trying to achieve in here."

"But we're just thinking about it! It's not like we're actually, you know, making fun of her to her face," backpedalled Finn, trying to justify what they'd done.

"I need you to stop. And spread the word to all the other Glee guys. And girls. This ends here and now. And Coach Beiste can never know about this," finished Mr. Schue. He was livid.

"Okay," responded Finn.

"Sorry," added Mike.

* * *

><p>"Latte?" asked Blaine. Back in Westerville, classes were out for a little while. Kurt sat down to have coffee with Blaine and two of his friends. "This is Wes and David," said Blaine, introducing them.<p>

"It's very civilized of you to invite me for coffee before you beat me up for spying," said Kurt quietly.

"We are not going to beat you up," said Wes.

"You were such a terrible spy, we thought it was sort of…endearing," added David.

"Which made me think that spying on us wasn't really the reason you came," finished Blaine, waiting for a response from Kurt.

"Can I ask you guys a question?" said Kurt after a moment. The three nodded. "Are you guys all gay?"

This provoked some laughter from the group.

"Well, uh, no. I mean, I am, but these two have girlfriends," said Blaine with a big smile.

"This is not a gay school," added David, "We just have a zero-tolerance harassment policy."

"Everybody gets treated the same, no matter what they are. It's pretty simple," said Wes.

Kurt sat. The memories of the past two years flooded over him; slushy after slushy, dumpster after dumpster; all of it came to the surface. His hurt, his torment, his anger…all of it felt like a giant lump in his throat. Blaine noticed.

"Could you guys excuse us?" asked Blaine.

"Yeah. Take it easy, Kurt," said Wes, before he and David stood and walked away.

"I take it you're having trouble at school…" led Blaine.

"I'm the only person out of the closet at my school," said Kurt quietly. All the emotion was coming up through his throat, and escaping into the air. "And I-I…I tried to stay strong about it, but…there's this Neanderthal who's made it his mission to make my life a living hell. And nobody seems to notice…"

"I know how you feel," Blaine started, "I got taunted at my old school, and it really…pissed me off. I even complained about it to the faculty. They were sympathetic and all, but you could just tell that nobody really cared. It was like, 'Hey, if you're gay, your life's just going to be miserable. Sorry. Nothing we can do about it.'" Blaine paused for a few seconds. "So I left, and I came here."

There was silence for a moment.

"So you have two options. I mean, I'd love and tell you just come enroll here, but tuition at Dalton's sort of steep, and I know that's not an option for everybody. Or…you can refuse to be the victim," said Blaine.

Kurt's eyes opened wide.

"Prejudice is just ignorance, Kurt. And you have a chance, right now, to teach him," said Blaine firmly.

"How?" asked Kurt, shoulders shaking from the sobs that wracked his body.

"Confront him! Call him out," said Blaine. "I ran, Kurt…I didn't stand up. I let bullies chase me away, and it is something that I really, really regret," finished the boy from Dalton.

* * *

><p>"The boys beat us the last time we competed against them. We've gotta bring the noise hard this time," said Mercedes.<p>

"To be fair, they didn't officially beat us. We got busted for vitamin D possession before the vote."

"Wait. Something's definitely wrong. Why isn't Rachel talking?" asked Santana.

"Yeah, she should totally be bossing us around right now," said Brittney.

"The idea of the assignment was to do the opposite of what we normally do. I'm just trying to stick to the lesson plan, which is proving nearly impossible since you're gluing those sequins on backwards," huffed Rachel. She sat for a moment before shouting, "Spies!"

"Lighten up," said Puck, "We're here to talk to Santana and Brittney. Remember," he whispered this last bit to Artie, "don't trust your instincts."

"Hm…so, how does it feel to be a free man?" asked Santana.

"All I can say is that I don't want a long-term relationship with either of you. Especially Brittney, since I'm not in love with her," Artie said extremely quickly.

"Do you guys want to go out to dinner tonight?" asked Brittney.

"Not really," said Puck.

"Oh…" said Santana sadly.

"Tell you what, you two show up at Breadstix tomorrow night around 7:00. If we don't find hotter chicks to date tonight, we might show up," said Noah, full of arrogance.

"You are totally cool," said Santana.

"Awesome," chimed in Brittney.

"I can't believe it. You're a genius!" said Artie as Puck wheeled him away.

* * *

><p>Will was pouring coffee for himself in the teacher's lounge, when Shannon Beiste walked through the door.<p>

"Hey, Will. Can I talk to your for a second?" she asked quietly. He nodded.

"What's going on with your Glee club kids? They've been mouthing off to me. One of them even said to 'stay away from their girl'. I don't get it. You know, I'm the Coach here, Will, and if the students here don't respect me…" she sighed, "I can't do my job!"

Mr. Schue froze, before giving her a glib response.

"Well, Coach…I don't know what to tell y-" Coach Beiste cut him off.

"Will, please, be straight with me. You're the only person at this school I trust," she said. Mr. Schue looked up at her, realizing what he had to do. "Please," she reiterated.

"Why don't you have a seat?" he asked sadly.

"Uh…this-this is really awful. I don't want you to take it personally. They're just kids…you know how they can be!" said Will, trying to justify their actions.

"Just –just tell me," said Coach Beiste.

"I guess…it's become sort of, of, a thing, that when the kids are makin' out, and they, they sort of want to cool off a little? They think of you. In compromising positions," said Will heavily. He was not a happy camper. Shannon sighed.

"Like what?" she asked.

"Like…in lingerie," suggested Mr. Schuester. Coach Beiste stood up abruptly. "Coach, don't take it personally…"

"I do take it personally, Will. I take it very, very personally," she said, beginning to tear up as she left the room.

Mr. Schuester tried to get her to come back, but she wouldn't. He yelled, and slammed his hands on the desk.

* * *

><p>"So there I was. At Juvie. In the breakfast line, in the mess hall. When I noticed me and the guy behind me going for the same waffle. This guy's, like, 6'11", 300, easy. He's got his teeth filed into canines, tats everywhere!" narrated Puck. He was at Breadstix with Santana and Brittney, telling a Juvie story. "So I turn around. I flex my left pec, then I flex my right pec, and I say to the guy, 'Leggo my Eggo,'" for this, Puck growled and bulked himself up. "And you know what he does? He lets go of my Eggo!" said a very cocky Noah.<p>

"You should be our nation's president," chimed Santana.

"I've been squeezing your left for the past hour and a half," whispered Brittney to Artie, "Are you not attracted to me?" she asked quietly.

Artie didn't have the heart to tell her he couldn't feel his legs, so he simply settled for the next, most badass thing he could think of.

"Sorry. I was really distracted by our waitress," he began. He say Puck nodding in approval. "She's totally into me."

"I can take that when you're ready," said the waitress. As she began to walk away, Puck began to speak.

"Alright guys, let's move. This meal has been comp'd!" he said.

"What?" asked Artie, confused.

"Dude, I don't pay for food!" said Puck, as if there was nothing wrong with that statement. "It's my thing, yo. So we're going to dine and dash."

Artie couldn't do it. As Puck and the group got up to go, he whipped out his wallet, and put some cash in, more than enough to cover the bill. As he was about to wheel away, she stopped him.

"Do you need any change?" she asked, oblivious to his desire for a quick getaway.

"No, keep it," he said. He turned around, only to face an irritated Puck.

"Dude, what the hell?"

"Sorry, I couldn't do it," said Artie, "she gave us free refills! And I figure she's got kids. I'm not gonna do that to her."

"Whatever, dude, you wussed out!" said Puck, "So have fun taking the short bus home, 'cause I'll be escorting these ladies back to Chez Puckerman for a little sookie-sookie."

"Wait, seriously?" Artie asked.

"Damn straight! I'm giving you all my trade secrets here. If you don't want my help, then fine. You're on your own," said Puck with finality. He walked out the door, leaving a lonely Artie inside Breadstix.

* * *

><p>The next day, all the boys were in Glee. The girls decided to play their song today. As soon as the music began, all the boys knew exactly what they were singing. Sam was sitting next to Kurt, happy just to be close to the soprano.<p>

|Start me up!|

All the girls began singing together. They split into various harmonies.

|Start me up!|

Rachel came spinning into the room, the lead singer that she was. This confused the boys. _They must be doing a mash-up_ thought Sam.

/Oh, Tommy used to work on the docks  
>Union's been on strike, he's down on his luck<br>It's tough…so tough…/

The girls backed Rachel up.

|Oh, we got to hold on  
>To what we got.<br>You live for the fight  
>when that's all that you've got!|<p>

|Start me Up!  
>We're halfway there<br>Whoa, livin' on a prayer|

Mercedes took over lead.

\If you start me up  
>Kick on the starter<br>Give it all you got  
>You gotta, you gotta!<br>I can't compete,  
>With the riders in the other heat\<p>

At this, the other girls joined in. Kurt's phone buzzed. It was a text message from Blaine, that simply read, {Courage}

|I'll make a grown man cry;  
>I'll make a grown man give it a shot,<br>Start me up! We're halfway there,  
>Whoa! Living on a prayer!|<p>

Rachel sang alone for a moment.

/Living on a prayer!/

The girls did some fancy choreography, before kneeling by the band.

|Oh, we gotta hold on, ready or not.  
>You live for the fight when that's all that you've got!<br>Oh, we're halfway there,  
>Whoa, living on a prayer!|<p>

Mercedes chimed in with her gospel take on the notes as well.

|Take my hand, and we'll make it, I swear  
>Whoa! Living on a prayer<br>You gotta start me up!|

The song finished on a major chord.

"Ladies, very, very impressive! What is it that made you guys choose those songs?" asked Mr. Schuester.

Becky arrived with a note.

"Coach said to give you this!" she told him, and ran off.

As he opened the note, his heart became filled with dread. It said simply, "Auditorium Now".

* * *

><p>Will walked into the auditorium, and saw Sue standing on stage.<p>

"Take a good look, William, because Sue Sylvester's got two things to show you. To my left," she pointed, "I have one confetti cannon. To my right," she pointed again, "You'll find another confetti cannon. You know what this means?" she asked deviously.

Will was concerned.

"No, Sue," he responded.

"We. Got Beiste. Fired!" said Sue happily, "and my full budget is restored."

The cannons fired two bursts of shimmering purple. All the while, Sue laughed maniacally in the background.

"Wait, what?" he said, totally shocked.

"Well, actually she quit, but I'll take the W. And it was your kids that made it happen, Will. It finally occurred to them to stop singing all that nonsense about how awesome it is to be alive, or ugly, or whatever the point is you guys are always trying to make. And instead? They just got mean," she said darkly.

Will looked at her.

"Congratulations, Will," she said.

"Wait, Coach Beiste quit?" he asked for clarification.

"I believe I just said that Annie Sullivan. You want me to sign it into your palm? And now, if you excuse me," she turned to walk out, but stopped and gestured to the confetti, "and, if you wouldn't mind just cleaning all this up, that'd be great." She walked out, leaving Will alone.

* * *

><p>Kurt walked down the hall, staring at his phone. He was texting Sam and Mercedes. Mercedes, to tell her she was fantastic and that they needed to have movie night. Sam, on the other hand…<p>

He'd been texting Sam ever since the blonde came to run lines at his house. It was usually innocuous things, like questions or statements about school or work, but every now and then, Sam would slip in a compliment that made Kurt wonder if the boy was actually straight. Such was the case now; Kurt was reading a text that said, {Hey, I can't wait to sing with you later in the week =P}

As Kurt was pondering this, Karofsky walked up, knocked the phone out of his hand, and threw him into a locker.

Kurt stood for a moment, but realized what he needed to do. He got his phone and ran down the hall, yelling. He arrived in the boy's locker room

"Hey! I am talking to you!" he shouted at Karofsky.

"Girls' locker room is next door," responded the arrogant jock.

"What is your problem?" asked Kurt.

"Excuse me?" replied Karofsky.

"What are you so scared of?" asked the diva.

"Besides you sneakin' in here to take a peek at my junk?" challenged Dave.

"Oh, yeah, every straight guy's nightmare, that all of us gays are secretly out to molest and convert you. Well guess what, ham hock? You're not my type!" shouted Kurt. He knew he was hurting his voice, but he needed to get this out.

"That right?" asked Karofsky.

"Yeah, I don't dig on chubby boys who sweat too much and will be bald by the time they're 30," said the soprano.

"Do not push me, Hummel!" shouted Karofsky, raising his fist.

"You gonna hit me? Do it," said Kurt, no longer afraid.

"Don't push me," he shouted again, slamming his locker.

"Hit me, 'cause it's not going to change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!" said Kurt, standing resolute.

"I said get out of my face!" screamed the angry jock.

"You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!" said Kurt. He tried to say more, but he realized there were hands around his neck and lips upon his. Kurt simply stood, horrified. His first kiss, his first kiss EVER, was with Karofsky? His heart fell through his ribcage. This was supposed to be his fairytale?

Karofsky leaned in again, but Kurt had the sense to push him away this time. He had one hand over his mouth. David let out a scream, and slammed his fist into the locker next to him, before running out of the locker room. Kurt could do nothing but sit there and freak out quietly.

* * *

><p>The day continued as normal until Glee, where a furious Mr. Schuester stood there in front of them all.<p>

"Well, I genuinely hope you guys are happy, because Coach Beiste has quit," he said angrily.

"Wait, what? That's terrible!" said Sam.

"Yeah, that's not what we want," said Finn.

"That's the opposite of what we want. The football team was actually winning," added Artie.

"Well then, you'd better put your heads together and find a way to get her back, fast, because I am actually ashamed of you. You really hurt someone who was a great addition to this school."

Quinn, Kurt and Mercedes were all confused.

"I'm sorry, what exactly did we do?" asked Quinn.

"No, no, it's us. The boys," said Finn.

"And Tina," added Mike.

Everyone, including Mr. Schue, gave Tina very strange looks for a few seconds.

"We sort of figured out that picturing Beiste while making out was even better than a cold shower. I mean, I don't, ever," backpedalled Finn.

The room was in shock.

"Can I just say this is what happens when people don't put out? If everyone just put out, we would have a winning football team," commented Santana.

"William!" shouted Principal Figgins as he walked into the room. "I need to see you, and Noah Puckerman in my office, please."

* * *

><p>"This is garbage! I've been doing my community service!" said Puck angrily.<p>

"When you wrote 'hangin with a crip' on your probation application, we thought you were going to do outreach with a local gang," said the probation officer.

"But I've totally been helping Artie. I got him a date, I made him some sweet cash. Please, Mr. Schue, you've gotta help me out here!" Noah pleaded.

"Ms. Martin, there's gotta be some way Puck can make up for this…" suggested Mr. Schuester. "He's been a model student since he got back."

"Three whole days worth! Impressive!" said the Probation officer sarcastically.

"Look, there are rules. If Mr. Puckerman doesn't find a suitable alternative for his community service, by tomorrow, his probation will be revoked, and he'll have to go back to the Mondale School for the Boys," said Ms. Martin with finality.

"Oh, screw that, I am not going back there!" shouted Puck.

"Mr. Puckerman, calm down!" said Principal Figgins.

"No, you calm down!" responded Puck, "All of you, calm down! I told you, I'm not going back there." He said loudly. He looked over to see Ms. Martin writing in her book.

"What are you writing? Give me that!" he shouted, and ripped it out of her hands.

"Puck, this isn't helping!" said Mr. Schue.

"Helping? Since when does any one of you care about helping me? None of you care about me!" he said, freaking out more by the moment. He knocked everything of Principal Figgins desk, and ran out of the room.

Artie saw Puck running, and an idea popped into his head.

* * *

><p>"Thanks for coming," said Kurt quietly.<p>

"Don't worry about it. Just let me do the talking," said Blaine.

After the previous days outburst, Kurt realized he'd needed help. He texted Blaine.

[FLASHBACK]

{Kurt}{So that bully freaked out, slammed me into a locker. We talked, and he kissed me} Kurt texted. He couldn't stand not using full words in text messages.

{Blaine}{I'll be there 2mrrw. Just tell me when and where.} Kurt sighed. Blaine certainly enjoyed the language of txt. Kurt looked through his text messages, and realized he should probably text Sam.

{Kurt}{Hey, what's up?} God, he was pathetic. A few minutes later…

{Sam}{Hey , ntm. Just showerd. Squeeky clean!} Kurt might get a nosebleed. He imagined Sam in nothing but a towel.

{Kurt}{Not a ton. Just do me a favor?}

{Sam}{ne thing} It took Kurt a second to figure it out, but when he did, he smiled. He was pretty sure he had fallen head over heels for the blonde.

{Kurt}{Keep an eye on Karofsky for me?}

{Sam}{Ok. ne reason why? Has he been hurting you? If you want I'll kick his ass} Kurt knew he couldn't tell Sam just yet.

{Kurt}{Not really. I just need to stay away from him}

{Sam}{Sure thing. I'll protect you =P} At this, Kurt's heart fluttered. He put down the phone on his nightstand, and didn't look at it again.

[END FLASHBACK]

"There he is," said Kurt, seeing Karofsky.

"I got your back," said Blaine. "Excuse me?"

Karofsky looked up.

"Hey lady-boys," said Karofsky. "This your boyfriend, Kurt?" jeered the jock.

"Kurt and I would like to talk to you about something," said Blaine calmly.

Not falling for it pissed the jock off. He pushed his way past. "I've gotta go to class," said Dave.

"Kurt told me what you did," said Blaine.

Karofsky turned around. "Oh yeah? What's that?" he asked.

"You kissed me," said Kurt, putting a vile spin on the word kiss.

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Karofsky quickly.

"It seems like you might be a little confused, and…that's totally normal. This is a very hard thing to come to terms with, and you should just know that you're not alone," said Blaine.

Karofsky, who had stopped at the bottom of the stairs, ran back up and slammed Blaine into the wall. Blain looked him very calmly in the eye, and did nothing.

"You have to stop this!" yelled Kurt. There was a pause, where Karofsky looked them both in the eyes with an expression of longing; of hurt; of pain; of suffering.

Then he ran down the stairs as fast as possible.

"Well he's not coming out anytime soon!" said Blaine optimistically.

Kurt sat down on the stairs.

"What's going on? Why are you so upset?" questioned Blaine. Kurt sighed.

"Because up until yesterday, I had never been kissed. Or at least, one that counted," said Kurt, tears streaming down his face.

"Come on. I'll buy you lunch," said Blaine. He wasn't sure how to react to a crying Kurt.

* * *

><p>Mr. Schuester walked into the locker room. He remembered his days as a student here. He also remembered how cruel his students were. Approaching the only other person in the room, he spoke.<p>

"Didn't make you for a quitter," he said. His strategy was…did he even have a strategy?

"Don't, Will," she said quietly. "You have no idea what it's like."

"For what it's worth…the kids feel awful. They like you. They respect you," said Mr. Schue.

"Isn't that just what every girl wants to hear from a guy? Nah. Screw this," she replied harshly. "I'll find my bliss somewhere else. I need a life change." She laughed, the sound hoarse. "You know, maybe I'll get a job as a cooler at a honky-tonk bar. I don't know. Maybe an ice road trucker." Will was shocked by her self-hatred and vehemence. He knew he needed to fix this.

"Stop," he said, "Will you just stop? I get it. All of us are scarred by high school. You know, next to our parents, nothing screws a person up more. And-and people like us, we're stupid enough to come back here, and relive that pain every day. Right?" he finished, laughing as he spoke.

Coach Beiste patted the table next to her, where Mr. Schue sat down.

"I'm not gay, you know?" she said, starting the conversation, "I know I can be a little intimidating sometimes, but deep down inside, where no one can see? I'm just a girl. Am, am I nuts that I just want to be reminded of that sometimes?" she asked rhetorically.

"Well that's what dating is for," said Mr. Schue, as if it was the obvious solution. Shannon sighed.

"Last…date I went on, the guy was a freak. All he wanted to do was wrestle," she said sadly.

"Well, let me help you out, then. I'm sure there are plenty of guys o—" Will would have continued, but Coach Beiste cut him off.

"No, there aren't. I'm kind of a specific type."

"Well, you got to put yourself out there, try online dating…"

"I've never been kissed, Will," she said, tears filling her eyes. The room was silent for a moment. "It's the simplest thing. A kiss. It's a doorway to everything else. Promise, hope, of a future with someone? What does that say about me? I'm 40, and I haven't even taken those baby steps yet." She sighed, despondent.

"What that says to me…is that you are a beautiful, amazing woman, whose heart is just too big for most men to stand," Mr. Schuester said, trying to encourage Coach Beiste.

"You really think I'm pretty Will?" she asked, hesitant.

"Inside and out," replied Will, leaning in towards her. Their lips met, sweetly, for only a moment.

"And now you've been kissed," said Mr. Schuester. They both laughed. "Hey, come to the choir room tomorrow at 4:00. The guys want to apologize to you, in person."

"You tricking me into a make-out session, Schueter?" she teased.

The two laughed and hugged.

* * *

><p>Artie wheeled up to his…friend? Arch-enemy? He wasn't sure what he and Puck were. The older boy was cleaning out his locker.<p>

"I didn't see you in geometry today," said Artie quietly.

"Jackpot. No, you didn't," Puck said as he slammed his locker, "I'm getting out of here. I'm skipping town, genius. My probation officer says hanging out with you isn't real community service, so if I don't spend, the next six weeks, picking up garbage along the highway, I'm going back to Juvie"

"What's wrong with picking up trash?" asked Artie innocently.

"Are you serious? It's ghetto, dude. I'm not a garbage man. Do you know how humiliating that is? I'm not doing it, and I'm not going back to Juvie," responded Puck.

"Why not? I thought you loved it there," mused the genius.

"Yeah? I lied. It's fricken' terrifying, dude. On the first day, three gangbangers jumped me, and before they could pull them off, they'd already tore out my nipple ring. I thought I was a badass? But there are some hard dudes in there. Guys with no families; guys who look at you like you're some kind of dog they can't wait to kick the crap out of. And they kept taking my waffles." Puck was surprised at himself for opening up that much to Artie, but it wasn't all that bad, being honest.

"So…you be my community service," said Artie.

"What?" asked Puck, not sure if he'd gone crazy or not.

"I owe you—you got me a date with Brittney. You made me feel cool, which is not the easiest thing to do. I really like hanging out with you, so let me tutor you in geometry while you pick up garbage by the highway." Artie said as quickly as he could. He wasn't sure why he felt warmth blossom in his chest, but he figured it was probably the taco surprise they'd eaten for lunch. Puck eyed him carefully. "Geometry's easy, yo! There's no excuse for a guy as smart as you not to get at least a B."

Puck thought for a moment.

"I was kind of a jerk to you at Breadstix," he said quietly.

"Whatever. Just pay me back for the pasta," replied Artie. The bell rang.

"Running out without paying was a stupid idea. If I got caught, I'd be screwed," admitted Noah.

"You need to start hanging around with someone who's a good influence on you, Puck. Give me 6 weeks, and if you don't ace your geometry mid-term, I swear I'll buy you all the waffles you can eat," said Artie.

"That's dope, dude. You got a deal," responded Puck.

Just down the hall, Kurt was putting things away into his locker. He looked at some of his photos, of his friends. The word Courage, cut and pasted. A picture of his current crush; Sam.

And then he felt the cold, hard pain of steel as he was thrown into a locker by none other than Karofsky. He sat on the floor for a moment, just breathing. He needed a way out.

* * *

><p>"I don't get it…" said Coach Beiste. She was sitting in the choir room, facing the boys. "It's boys against girls, but…what's the winner get?" she asked.<p>

"Well, we were hoping for your forgiveness," said Finn.

"We just want to apologize for hurting your feelings," said Sam.

"Coach Beiste, we think you're awesome. And even though you're all hard and tough on the outside, it doesn't mean you're not the opposite on the inside," said Finn.

"Like a chocolate turtle," added Sam.

"Yeah, you're nougat-y, and we totally get that now," elaborated Finn, not realizing where he was going. "You're like…a mash-up," he concluded.

"Why don't you guys just get to the song," suggested Mr. Schuester.

"Sure. This mash-up is dedicated to you, Coach. Hard and badass on one hand, and soft and girly on the other," said Artie.

"We hope it makes you smile, 'cause when you smile, you're pretty, and it lights up the room. Seriously," elaborated Puck.

The music began.

|Stop in the name of love  
>Before you break my heart<br>Think it over|

Artie started the solo section.

/I wear tight clothing  
>High-heeled shoes!<br>It doesn't meant that I'm a prostitute./

|No, No!|

Puck continued.

\I like rap music  
>Wear hip-hop clothes!<br>That doesn't meant that I'm out selling dope.\

|No, no, no!|

The boys did a series of falls, that led back into the chorus.

|Before you can meet me  
>You've got to learn how to see me,<br>I said: Stop in the name of love,  
>Before you break my heart,<br>Think it over.|

The group kneeled down.

|Free your mind, and the rest will follow.  
>Be color blind, don't be so shallow!|<p>

Sam took over. Kurt almost lost count, listening to the blonde's voice.

/I've known of your, your secluded nights  
>I've even seen her, maybe once or twice!<br>But it's a sweet expression,  
>Worth more than my love and affection

The boys did another series of runs, and the chorus started once more.

|Before you can meet me,  
>You've gotta learn how to see me,<br>I said: Stop in the name of love,  
>Before you break my heart<br>Think it over!  
>Free your mind, and the rest will follow.<br>Be color blind! Don't be so shallow.|

Artie took over for the end of the song.

/Stop, in the name of love!  
>Oh free your mind!

Sam saw Kurt grinding jokingly on Mercedes, and groaned softly. He wanted to be sitting in her spot!

|Before you can read me you gotta  
>Learn how to see me, I said<p>

Stop! In the name of love  
>Before you break my heart (Free your Mind)<br>Stop! In the name of love  
>Before you break my heart (Free Your Mind)<br>Stop! In the name of love  
>Before you break my heart<p>

Baby, think it over  
>Free Your Mind and the rest will stop!|<p>

Everyone was breathing heavy for a moment after the music stopped, then the applause broke out.

"That was really good. I liked it," said Coach Beiste. "Thank you."

"Get over here!" Artie said, getting everyone together for a group hug. Sam moved so that in the group hug, he was directly behind Kurt. If this was as close as he could get for now, then it was worth it.

* * *

><p>Alright everyone! That's it! I'm going to get to work on the next one, and hopefully have it completed and posted by tonight. I want to get through these before I have to go back to work! XD.<p>

Thank you for all the alerts and reviews. I love you all!


	4. 02x07: Substitute

Hello again everyone! With a little bit of luck, this is later on of the same day I posted the 3rd chapter. Hopefully.

Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed and alerted. It means the world to me.

Disclaimer has been disclaimed! Ah. Not yet. I suppose I should mention that I don't own the music either, and I usually type the lyrics down as I listen. However, for this song, I borrowed from AZLyrics. Thanks guys!

Dedicated to Sussiekitten and nikkithedead, for being awesome.

A guide, once again, in case you've forgotten my writing style; _italics_ are thoughts, [FLASHBACKS] are in brackets, {Txt messages} are in funny brackets, / and \ denote individual singers, whereas || indicates multiple.

Good? Good. On with it!

* * *

><p>Will walked down the hall, seeing four Cheerio's carrying an enormous trophy down the hall. While this was the first time something like that had ever happened at William McKinley High School, it was not an unusual occurrence. As Will walked further down the hall, he spotted his nemesis, Coach Sylvester.<p>

"Morning, Sue," he said cordially.

"Oh, I'm gonna stop you right there, William," she said confidently, "That's Principal Sue."

Mr. Schuester was in shock.

"What?" he said.

"Oh, you heard me right," she replied, "my years-long quest for power has finally bore fruit."

"Wait, what happened to Figgins?" asked a concerned Mr. Schuester.

"Well, you need to start listening to the news, William. A particularly virulent strain of the monkey flu has arrived in Ohio from Borneo, where it had been festering in a small clutch of loud, bisexual primates, not unlike your very glee club," she sniped.

"How…how did Figgins get it?" asked Will.

[FLASHBACK]

"And that's what it means to be an American…" explained an absent-minded Figgins.

"I think I have a fever…" complained one Lauren Zizes.

"Can it!" responded Sue. "Now!" she shouted, and pushed Lauren towards Figgins.

Lauren tried to contain it, but let out a massive sneeze; all over Figgins' face.

"'Sup?" she asked casually as she wiped her nose.

"Wah!" cried Figgins

[END FLASHBACK]

"So Figgins is sick. How does that make you principal?" he asked.

"Well, through the blackmail of prominent local politicians, I strong-armed some extraordinarily broad clauses into my contract. My first order of business? Destroy the Glee club," she said, hatred billowing from her eyes and dripping venom from her words.

"I-I thought we were friends!" exclaimed Will.

"That got boring," said Sue quickly. She turned to walk away.

Will did as well, but his timing could not have been worse. As he turned, Lauren Zizes walked up and sneezed on him as well.

Will sighed.

* * *

><p><em>Just one of the perks of being a high school teacher—constant exposure to illness!<em> thought an irritated Mr. Schuester.

"Alright, guys, um…time to start thinking about song selections," he said.

_I feel like I might have a fever, but it's important that I power through it_.

As Mr. Schuester turned around, his perception changed. Instead of looking at a group of high school students, he saw children. Actual, honest to goodness, 7 year olds.

_Okay, I definitely have a fever_, thought their teacher.

"Looking good, Puckerman. Someone's been eating their Wheaties!" said a shorter, darker Santana.

"These guns are fully loaded!" said a tiny Puck with a faux hawk.

"Mr. Schue? I, for one, think we should use our set list for sectionals to start exploring the oeuvre of one Bernadette Peters," said a small Rachel. Mr. Schue absently wondered if she was as annoying as a child as she was in this day and age.

"Someday, I'm gonna go to Paris and visit the oeuvre," said Brittney.

_Nope. Still stupid_ thought Mr. Schue.

"I just want to dance," said a younger Mike Chang.

"Mr. Schuester? You look a little green," commented a pint-sized Mercedes.

"Um…I think I'm gonna go see the nurse…but first I feel I should get you guys a sitter…" he said groggily.

* * *

><p>Will wasn't entirely sure where he was; only that his nose was running, and that he was uncomfortable. He realized someone was in the room with him, and his sixth sense told him who.<p>

"…I can take care of myself…" he mumbled.

"Is that why Mrs. Weiss called me from next door? She said she's here morning and night," complained Terri. "Lift your head up," she ordered.

"You're making me feel worse," complained Will.

"Oh, honey," she sighed, "I'm probably revealing too much, but I do still love you. And you have to admit, no matter how toxic our marriage was, I was really good at taking care of you when you were sick," she commented.

"That's because you like me best when I'm weak," sniped Mr. Schuester.

"Maybe…" said Terri. "I mean, that's what my therapist says…"

"You're seeing a therapist?" asked Will incredulously.

"And I'm medicated, too," bragged Terri. "Now roll over and pull your pants down, cause we're gonna take baby's temperature," this last bit she said in a tiny voice, attempting to be cute.

"Nooo…" moaned choir director.

"But baby knows it's the only way that we can get an accurate reading," she simpered. Will snapped out of it, fed up with her.

"Stop, Terri. I don't want to play sick baby with you. Now get out of here," he ordered. She was quiet for a moment, then she walk over to the TV stand, pulled something off the shelf and threw it at her husband.

"What's that?" asked Mr. Schuester.

"Singing in the Rain. We were together for 16 years. You think I don't know what movie makes you feel better when you're sick?" she said before she stormed out.

Will felt like shit.

* * *

><p>"I'm shaking, and it's either from low blood sugar or rage. I knew it was only a matter of time before Rachel tried to take over the Glee club," said the bitter soprano. Mercedes and Kurt were in line for lunch, and the two had just come from rehearsal.<p>

[FLASHBACK]  
>"Class, in Mr. Schuester's absence, I'd like to go around and ask everyone what solos they'd like to hear me perform at Sectionals.<p>

There was silence for a moment before Santana began to scream "Let me at her, let me at her!" Sam, Brittney and Kurt held her back.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"Don't worry about it. We'll forget all about it tonight at bowling," said Mercedes.

"…I can't," said Kurt, "Blaine asked me to hang out."

Mercedes was bummed.

"I've been looking forward to it all week," she said sadly. Then a thought crossed her mind. "Wait, are you two going out? Because I think you need to come clean," she finished.

"What? No. I don't want another Jessie/Rachel traitor scenario to overcome. Please, Mercedes. Mum's the word. Besides, you know I'm holding out for Blondie (that had become their codeword for Sam in public)."

"Well, we'd be happy for you. I mean, we know how lonely you've been," said Mercedes, trying to be supportive.

"No, we just hang out. Nothing about Glee club even ever comes up. It's just nice to have someone to talk to," he concluded.

Mercedes was offended. "What is that supposed to mean?" she asked, but Kurt interjected.

"I mean, someone like me," Kurt said, "but I promise to make it up to you. We'll hang out Friday night," swore the soprano. He knew he'd lost her when he saw the look on her face. The only time like that was when her ridiculous tater-tots came around.

"'Scuse you!" she said, nudging a jock out of the way. She stood, waiting patiently for her tots. The serving lady didn't give her quite as many as she wanted, so she complained.

"Whoa, a few more," she said with a big smile on her face. She was contented.

"So what are we going to do about Glee club while Mr. Schue is sick?" asked Mercedes, now able to focus on other things.

"I have an idea…" said Kurt deviously. "Have you met the new Spanish teacher?"

* * *

><p><em>It's not easy being a substitute teacher<em> though the Sub. _Kids feel like they get the day off. They'll good off, egg your car, cut class, break into your car, throw spitballs, put an alligator in your car…and I don't even have a nice car!_ She thought to herself.

She turned to the class, and began speaking Spanish.

"¿Lindsey Lohan est bien loca, no?" she asked the class. "Repete."

_So I try to relate to the kids; listen to what they have to say; make it fun for them_ she thought.

She continued on in Spanish. She asked the class originally, just how crazy Lindsey Lohan was. Then, she proceeded to ask them how many times Lindsey Lohan went to rehab. When Kurt interrupted, she asked them to get into groups, and discuss the times Lindsey Lohan has experienced rehab.

"Excuse me, Miss Holliday? A word?" asked Kurt quietly.

She turned to Kurt, and stepped aside. She asked "How can I help you?" but without thinking, the phrase came out in Spanish.

Kurt didn't care.

"I understand that you are subbing for Mr. Schuester's Spanish class, and I was wondering if you might not want to take over his Glee club duties as well…" suggested Kurt.

"What makes you think I know the first thing about Glee club?" asked Miss Holliday.

"You subbed for my English class last week, and you were extraordinary," praised Kurt. The two went back to that moment.

[FLASHBACK]  
>The music began, and the background singers started.<p>

|Conjunction junction, what's your function?|  
>Hooking up words and phrases and clauses/  
>|Cunjunction junction, what's your function?|<br>/Hooking up cars and making 'em function/

A ginger at the back of the class turned to Kurt.

"Are you on anything? Cause this is trippy," said the boy.

Kurt deigned a slight glance at the boy.

"You smell homeless, Brett. Homeless." The soprano said.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"Miss Holliday, we are floundering. Won't you please take over Glee club?" pleaded the soprano.

"I thought you'd never ask," said Holly. Kurt literally jumped for joy.

"Yay!" he said happily. "¡Muchas Gracias!" said the happy soprano.

* * *

><p>Finn walked up to Puck, who was rubbing…something on the floor.<p>

"Dude, what are you doing?" he asked, thoroughly confused.

"Kurt got us a substitute, so I'm buttering the floor," said Puck.

"But sectionals is like, two weeks from now!" said Finn, trying to impress some sense of urgency into Puck. Unfortunately, the boy seemed to have missed the point.

"Hey, Gigantor!" said Artie to Finn, gesturing to himself, Tina and Mercedes, "We're all gonna swap names, yo."

"Um, did I hear something about a substi—" Rachel walked in angrily, but was unable to complete her sentence, for she slipped and fell on the buttered floor.

"Yes! It works!" exclaimed Puck.

"Well! At least I didn't fall and break my talent. I'm fine," said Rachel calmly.

Everyone laughed.

At that moment, the sub walked in. She strutted through the door, and slid across the section Puck had so carefully changed, like an ice skater.

"Oh, what they hell!" said Artie.

"Hola, clase," said Holly. "Nothing says 'bienvenidos' quite like a buttered floor," the sub said. As she spoke, Kurt walked in, and slipped on the floor as well.

"Let's start with some introductions. My name is Holly Holliday. What's yours? Go," she said, snapping and pointing at Puck.

"I'm Finn Hudson. I'm quarterback of the football team," said Puck

"I'm Rachel Berry, his loud, loud girlfriend," said Santana

"I'm Mike Chang," said Brittney. Mike glared at her.

"Those aren't your real names. Know how I know that?" asked Miss Holliday.

"You're psychic?" suggested Brittney.

"I know this because I recently watched a video of you guys performing at Regionals, where you came in last," said Miss Holliday coldly. "Maybe it's because the songs were about 30 years old, but…"

"Those songs are classics," said Finn.

"Those songs are amazing," continued Holly, "But they sounded like somebody else's favorite songs. Not yours. Just sayin'," she concluded.

"She speaks the truth," added Brittney.

"I'm not your average, run-of-the-mill substitute teacher. I want you guys to do things that you want to do. I want you to have fun in our fabulous but fleeting time together. What do you say we have class outside today?" she asked.

"It's raining outside," said Mercedes, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Well, then let's take a field trip to Taco Bell," suggested Holly.

This garnered a great deal of support.

"Shall we toke up some medical grad marijuana?" asked Miss Holliday. "I wish…" she continued.

"It's really hard not to like this woman," whispered Finn.

"Okay, no. We can't just goof off all day," complained Rachel. "We have to write a set list for sectionals."

"You're right," said Holly. "What songs would you like to do?" she asked.

This was met by a moment of silence.

"Oh! Don't get asked that question much, do we?" she questioned.

"Miss Holliday is right," added Kurt. "Mr. Schuester's set list sometimes seems like he hasn't listened to the radio since the 80's."

"He never listens to what I have to say," added Puck.

[FLASHBACK]  
>"Hey, Mr. Schue, can we do that new Cee-Lo song, 'Forget You'?" asked Puck<p>

"Uh, no. Come on, guy! There's gotta be a Journey song we haven't done yet!" said Mr. Schue.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"Cee-Lo! That's what I'm talking about!" said Holly. Everyone cheered.

"Excuse me, what would you know about Cee-Lo?" asked Santana, "'Cause you're like, 40."

"Top 40, sweet cheeks!" she replied. "Hit it!" she said to the band.

/I see you driving 'round town  
>With the guy I love and I'm like,<br>Forget you!/

The chorus joined in on the oo's.

|Oo, oo, ooo|

/I guess the change in my pocket  
>Wasn't enough and I'm like,<br>Forget you!  
>And forget him too!<br>Said, if I was richer,  
>I'd still be with ya<br>Ha, now ain't that some shhh?/

|ain't that some shhh?|

/And although there's pain in my chest  
>I still wish you the best with a...<br>Forget you!/

|Oo, oo, ooo|

/Yeah I'm sorry,  
>I can't afford a ferrari,<br>But that don't mean  
>I can't get you there.<br>I guess she's an xbox  
>and I'm more atari,<br>But the way you play  
>your game ain't fair.

/I pity the fool that  
>falls in love with you

|Oh she's a gold digger|

/Well/

|Just thought you should know|

/Ooooooh  
>I've got some news for you<br>Yeah go run and tell  
>your little girlfriend

/I see you driving 'round town  
>With the guy I love and I'm like,<br>Forget you!/

|Oo, oo, ooo|

/I guess the change in my pocket  
>Wasn't enough and I'm like,<br>Forget you!  
>And forget him too!<br>Said, if I was richer,  
>I'd still be with ya<br>Now ain't that some shhh?/

|ain't that some shhh?|

/And although there's pain in my chest  
>I still wish you the best with a...<br>Forget you!/

|Oo, oo, ooo|

/Now I know, that I had to borrow,  
>Beg and steal and lie and cheat.<br>Trying to keep ya,  
>trying to please ya.<br>'Cause being in love  
>with your face ain't cheap

/I pity the fool that  
>falls in love with you

|Oh she's a gold digger|

/Well/

|Just thought you should know|

/Ooooooh  
>I've got some news for you<br>I really hate you right now/

/I see you driving 'round town  
>With the guy I love and I'm like,<br>Forget you!/

|Oo, oo, ooo|

/I guess the change in my pocket  
>Wasn't enough and I'm like,<br>Forget you!  
>And forget him too!<br>Said, if I was richer,  
>I'd still be with ya<br>Ha, now ain't that some shhh?/  
>|Ain't that some shhh?|<p>

/And although there's pain in my chest  
>I still wish you the best with a...<br>Forget you!/

|Oo, oo, ooo|

Mercedes and Artie jumped in on this one.

\Now baby, baby, baby,  
>why'd you wanna wanna hurt me so bad?\<p>

|So bad, so bad, so bad|

\I tried to tell my  
>mamma but she told me<br>"this is one for your dad"\

|Your dad, your dad, your dad|

Holly jumped back in on the solo.

/Uh! Whhhy? Uh! Whhhy? Uh!  
>Whhhy baby? Oh! I love you!<br>I still do. Oooh!/

/I see you driving 'round town  
>With the guy I love and I'm like,<br>Forget you!/

|Oo, oo, ooo|

/I guess the change in my pocket  
>Wasn't enough and I'm like,<br>Forget you!  
>And forget him too!<br>Said, if I was richer,  
>I'd still be with ya<br>Ha, now ain't that some shhh?/

At this point in the song, when all the couples began to dance together, Sam and Kurt became dancing partners. Quinn had switched around during the show, hoping the extra push would force one of the two idiots to say something.

|Ain't that some shhh?|  
>Kurt looked into Sam's eyes, and got lost in them<p>

/And although there's pain in my chest  
>I still wish you the best with a...<br>Forget you!/

The two came back to reality, just before the song ended.

|Oo, oo, oo|

"Let's go get some tacos!" shouted Holly.

Sam and Kurt looked at each other. Something had changed.

* * *

><p>"This is <span>not<span> up for discussion, fellas," said the Beiste angrily. "You do not spray athelete's foot medicine in your teammate's eyes."

Sam and Puck looked at each other kind of funny. Who on Earth would do that? They both nodded. Karofsky.

Finn, on the other hand, noticed the moment Coach Sylvester walked in the room. He had ADD, and noticed when things like that changed.

"Can I help you Sue?" asked Beiste.

"Principal Sue, and I'm here to inform you that effective 4:00 PM today, the football team is officially…disbanded," said Sue venomously.

"Well if the football team is disbanded, who are your Cheerio's gonna cheer for?" sneered Coach Beiste.

Principal Sue stood quietly for a second.

"I will get back to you on all of this later…" said Sue ominously, before walking out of the room.

Coach Beiste rolled her eyes, and sprayed athlete's foot spray after her. She then pointed at it, looked at the team, and said one word: "No."

* * *

><p><em>Humiliation. Bested by the Beiste, less than 24 hours after my plan to replace all the chairs in the school with sharp poles was thrwarted—A resounding defeat in my war against sitting. The reality it, I'm a champion, and once I get power, I do not let it go. I need a cause…<em>wrote Sue in her journal. She looked out the window to the student body. She watched two girls share a brownie, another group eating sandwiches, and still another devouring…good hevans (pun intended), was that an entire sub?

"Becky, get your fanny in here, and bring your pad!" said Sue through the intercom.

"Yes Coach?" asked the young girl.

"Becky, take a memo," she ordered. "I'm banning Po-tater tots."

"Outstanding," replied Becky.

* * *

><p>Sam decided to text Kurt later on.<p>

{Sam}{Hey kiddo, what's up?}

Fifteen seconds later, he got a response

{Kurt}{First, I am not your "kiddo". Second, I'm cooking for my family, and for my dad. It's a soufflé.}

Sam literally laughed aloud. He debated asking Kurt "Do you want to be?" in response to the kiddo question, but decided the timing wasn't right.

{Sam}{Do u like Holly?} he asked.

{Kurt}{Are you kidding? She's genius. And I'm sure you like her too. She certainly looks it.} Sam took a sharp breathe. Should he? Shouldn't he? He didn't want to wait too long to text back. He decided to.

{Sam}{Eh. Not teh best. Not rly my type…}

Kurt looked away from the timer and down at his phone. He read the text from Sam. His next text was exactly the though on his mind.

{Kurt}{Oh, okay. Well, what is your type?}

Sam took a deep breath, and again decided his first choice was a bit forward. "You" probably wasn't the best answer at the moment.

{Sam}{Brown hair, hazel eyes, pure, smooth, creamy, light skin, shorter than me, and…male} Sam freaked. It was too much. He turned off his phone and went to bed.

Kurt, on the other hand, dropped his phone into a pot of boiling water.

* * *

><p>Mr. Schuester awoke from a terrifying dream involving various sets, music, Brad, and Mike Chang. The doorbell was ringing. He answered, and found it to be Rachel.<p>

* * *

><p>I don't understand. Who gave her the authority to take over Glee club?" asked Mr. Schue.<p>

Rachel continued to speak through the ridiculous bio-hazard mask she had on, and poor Will couldn't understand a word of it.

"What?" he asked her, hoping she would take the mask off to clarify.

"I was doing a fine job of running Glee in your absence, and then Kurt, jealous, asked her to take over," seethed Rachel.

"I'm not too worried about it, Rachel. I really appreciate your concern, but…" he drifted off to blow his nose, "I'm not worried about someone coming in and usurping me. You kids love me." Will coughed.

"Sue doesn't," said Rachel.

[FLASHBACK]  
>"You know what's so nice? Having someone fun at this school!" said Sue. She was sitting on a couch with Holly Holliday, drinking wine and touching up their hair.<p>

"Mm! We're back!" said Sue. "You know, Hoarders is great, but Animal Hoarders is better!"

The two laughed as Holly joined in at the end of the sentence.

"Hoarders and red wine? I'm buzzed!" sang Miss Holliday.

The two didn't notice Rachel watching from the window.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"You have to get well, Mr. Schuester, because every day you're here? She's there, and it becomes more and more likely that she's going to start running the Glee club, and you're going to become the substitute," Rachel finished, before donning her mask once more and storming out of Mr. Schue's apartment.

* * *

><p>"Oh, we have to get there early on Friday. It's league night for little people, and they'll buy up all the small shoes if they get there first," said Mercedes.<p>

"Oh, I totally forgot! Greg Evigan is starring in Rent at the community playhouse, and Blaine got us tickets," said Kurt with a smile.

Mercedes beamed. "'Us' as in all of us?" she asked.

"I think he could only score two," said Kurt.

At this point, Mercedes was pissed.

Then Santana showed up, and made it all worse. The Cheerio's, Santana included, grabbed everyone's tater-tots.

"Wait, where do you think you're going with those?" asked Mercedes angrily.

"Principal Sue banned the tots," answered Santana.

"She can't do that!" shrieked Mercedes.

"They look like deep-friend deer poop…" added Brittney, although by this point, everyone had learned to discount her.

"Take it up with Principal Sue," snarked Santana. The Cheerio's left, along with all the tater-tots.

"We'll get you so—"

"URGH" said Mercedes, cutting off whatever idea Kurt was going to suggest.

* * *

><p>Mercedes was one large, black ball of righteous fury when she stormed into Sues office.<p>

"Why did you take away our tots?" she asked, point blank.

"You don't have an appointment!" yelled Becky. Sue waved her hand, and Becky backed down.

"Jackie, I am like my idol, Richard Millhouse Nixon. Regarded in his time as petty, corrupt, and venal, he actually always had the best interests of his people in mind. And also like Richard Nixon, I'm obliged to inform you that this conversation is being recorded," said Sue.

"I want my tots," growled Mercedes.

"Nutrition is abysmal at this school. Do you know what this is?" Sue asked, pulling out a head of Broccoli.

"Toilet Brush," responded Mercedes.

"It's broccoli. When I showed this to Brittney earlier, she began to whimper, thinking I had cut down a small tree where a family of gummi bears lived. I am declaring war on junk food," finished the Principal

"I'm getting my tot's back," threatened Mercedes.

The office was quiet for a moment.

"Becky, that can't happen again!" shouted Sue, "keep 'em out!"

"Roger that. Thank you, Coach," responded the girl.

* * *

><p>"Hey Rachel!" said Holly, walking up to the girl in the hallway.<p>

"Hello, Miss Holliday," the Rachel responded coolly. "I'd like you to know that I have a very severe bruise on my right buttocks from your game of 'gangsta rap musical chairs'. I'll be going on record with the school nurse later today."

"Rachel, you suck!" said Holly frankly. "Oh, my God, you're like a total drag. Has anyone ever told you that?" she questioned.

"I have," said Noah as he walked down the hall.

"Oh, Puckerman, here are the answers to the pop quiz I'll be giving in Spanish class later. It is so boring in there," she told him.

"Thanks Miss H!" he said, happy that he wouldn't fail something.

"Righteous," she replied.

"You know what, maybe I should be more like you; all fun, and just forget about the consequences," accused Rachel.

"Well, frankly, yes, you should," said Holly. "I mean, at least sometimes. When was the last time that you did something just because you thought it would be a blast? Take Glee club. I mean, you have all these great ideas. When is the last time you actually did one of them?" she asked, concerned for Rachel's mental health.

"Mr. Schue can be a little tight-fisted with song selection, but I would like to do something more upbeat and glamorous, with a good dance beat!" she said.

"Sounds reasonable to me. Have you asked?" questioned Holly.

[FLASHBACK]  
>"Mr. Schuester, I want to do more of an upbeat, glamorous song with a really good dance beat," Rachel asked politely.<p>

"No!" he responded firmly. "But I have good news! I found a Journey song we haven't done yet!"  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"Rachel, I used to be just like you," sighed Miss Holliday. "trying to do everything right, hanging on so tight," she took a breath.

"Well what happened?" asked Rachel.

"I got punched in the face. Anyway, why don't you let me know the name of this upbeat, glamorous song with a nice dance beat because, hot stuff, you are doing it in Glee club," said Holly.

"I kind of need a partner to do the song I wanted," said Rachel sadly.

"I thought you'd never ask," responded Miss Holliday. "That's kinda my catch phrase," she explained.

* * *

><p>"So, what meds are you on?" asked Will. He'd finally broken down and called Terri, because he realized if he wanted to get better quickly enough to save his Glee club, he needed help.<p>

"Um, antidepressants and antianxiolytics when I need them," responded Terri.

"Are you happy?" Will pressed for an answer.

"You know, I think for the first time, maybe I could be happy," she replied honestly. "How about you?"

Will thought for a moment. "Happy?" he said. "If I'm gonna be honest…no. I still feel like I'm searching for something," Will said.

"Here. Some more," Terri said, and filled another spoonful. "There…" she whispered.

"Thanks, Terri," he said, truly grateful for her help. "Baby likes his soup."

"You know, I remember something else that baby loves a lot," Terri said. She moved the tray with the food on it, and stretched her body across Will's.

_This was not what I had in mind_…thought the Glee coach.

She reached into his nightstand, and pulled out…Vick's.

"Rubbing menthol…" sighed Will. "I love that stuff."

"I know you do. Take your shirt off, lie on your stomach. Come on," said Terri.

Will paused.

"What, I'm not gonna kill you," she laughed. "It'll make you feel better."

_That much is true_ he thought.

"Alright."

She began to massage his back, and Will started making small noises in the back of his throat. God, it felt so good. Terri moved away for a second. Will didn't worry, until she came back wearing less clothing. She began to kiss his upper shoulders.

"Don't," he said, warning her. "Terri, I don't want to get you sick,"

"I don't care," she responded.

The two began to intertwine themselves around each other for a wild night.

* * *

><p>The next day at school, Kurt resolved not to talk to Sam. After the previous night's awkward admission, he wasn't sure he could handle seeing the blonde.<p>

"Look at this crap!" said Mercedes. "Foam fish sticks? Principal Sylvester's only serving predigested food now, to give us more energy. I mean, do I look like a damn baby bird?" she seethed.

"Don't fret your culinary disappointments. I come bearing gifts," said Kurt happily.

"You brought tots?" Mercedes asked, her eyes lighting up with hope.

"Better. I've set you up on a date. I get it. My new budding friendship with Blaine is making you feel left out and jealous," Kurt said. He'd come up with the perfect solution!

"Who's the guy?" asked Mercedes dully.

"Anthony Rashad," said Kurt. She looked over at the boy. He was rather attractive, but she was pissed at Kurt; that mattered more.

"Why him?" she asked ruthlessly.

"No reason," said Kurt quietly.

"Oh, so it has nothing to do with the fact that he's one of the five black guys at this school?" she knew she'd got him.

"Uh, no, he is a wide receiver on the football team, he is very good looking, and he is a member of the Black Student Union," said Kurt meekly, realized Mercedes was not going to back down from this one.

"Any non-black activities?" she asked harshly.

"I don't know—my Google search was a little…" he trailed off.

"I can't take this anymore," she said angrily.

"Mercedes, trust me, love is just around the corner," he reassured her, before he was cut off.

"What's up, homo?" asked Karofsky.

"That's not what I'm talking about," said Mercedes, missing the look of utter terror on Kurt's face.

Mercedes stood upon the table, holding a large sign that said "TOTS". She showed it around. A ginger at a nearby table screamed Tots. The entire cafeteria took up the chant.

"So, the tot wars have begun, Becky," said Sue.

* * *

><p>Holly Holliday and Rachel Berry stood upon the stage, two spotlights shining upon their silhouettes. They began to sing in unison.<p>

|You can like the life you're living,  
>You can live the life you like,<br>You can even marry Harry  
>But mess around with Ike.<p>

And that's…  
>Good, isn't it?<br>Grand, isn't it?  
>Great, isn't it?<br>Swell, isn't it?  
>Fun, isn't it?<br>But nothing stays.

In fifty years or so, it's gonna  
>Change, you know. But oh,<br>It's heaven, nowadays|

The two stopped singing and jumped in their complicated dance routine.

Sam clapped, and then imagined Kurt wearing nothing but the little red dresses Holly and Rachel wore. He proceeded to cross his legs.

Kurt, on the other hand, wanted nothing more than to be onstage with the two of them, especially for the scene where they shoot the lightbulbs.

|And all that…JAZZ|

* * *

><p>William Schuester, ever the trooper, walked in the next day sniffling, sneezing, and generally miserable.<p>

"Hey, buddy, you look terrible—you should be home in bed. There's no reason for you to be here," said Principal Sue.

"Well, the kids need me," replied Will.

"No, literally, there's no reason for you to be here. The kids prefer the substitute, and so do I," said Sue. "And I gotta be honest with you, Will. A lot of it's the hair thing. In fact, right now I'm tempted to sell your scalp on the black market as a tiny, full-length shearling coat, for only the most fashionable of premature babies."

Will made a disgusted noise in the back of his throat.

"I long for the day when Figgins gets better and comes back," said Will.

"Well, that's not gonna happen," said Sue happily. "The school board has been just flooded with e-mails from parents thrilled with my tough stance on healthy teen lunches. Figgins has been fired, and I've been formally offered the position. So why don't you go home, rest, watch some TV, die…it doesn't matter—'cause you know what? As my first official act as full time principal, you are fired," Said Sue triumphantly.

As she spoke, Will felt this gnawing pit opening in his stomach. This couldn't be happening, This had to be a fever dream.

* * *

><p>"I'm just saying that drunk people who get married to someone after they met an hour ago by an Elvis impersonator—that's a bigger insult to marriage than two gay guys getting hitched," said Kurt.<p>

Kurt, Mercedes and Blaine were sitting in Breadstix, enjoying a nice meal. The conversation, on the other hand, Mercedes could do without.

"Totally. It's like, if marriage is so sacred, they should just outlaw divorce," suggested Blaine.

Mercedes wondered how many different ways she could kill them both with a straw.

"Right, right!" agreed Kurt. "What do you think, Mercedes?"

"Oh, about 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'?" she clarified.

"Oh, we're on Prop 8 now," said Kurt.

"Totally for it," said Mercedes, not realizing which side was which.

"Against it," said Kurt with a wink.

"Right. I'm sorry, I kinda just blanked out.

"Oh, don't apologize—we should talk about stuff that you're interested in too!" said Blaine.

Mercedes smiled. Maybe this evening wasn't so bad at all.

"I know; let's play a game. On the count of three, name your favorite 2010 Vogue cover," suggested Kurt.

Mercedes wondered what the legality of murdering someone with a straw was in the state of Ohio.

"One, two, three!" said Kurt.

"Marion Cotillard!" Kurt and Blaine sad simultaneously.

Mercedes debated hitting one or both of them with her glass, but decided not to, as she was reasonably certain that broke more than a few laws.

"She's amazing!" Kurt said,

"Amazing!" replied Blaine.

Mercedes closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them slowly. When she did, she was shocked at the sight.

"Gay! Gay gay, gay gay gay," said Kurt.

"Gay, gay gay gay, gay gay, gay," replied Blaine.

"Oh, my gosh, I open my mouth and a little purse falls out!" exclaimed Kurt.

"That is so gay," said Blaine.

"How did that get in here?" asked Kurt, laughing.

"Mercedes? 'Cedes…" She shook her head, realizing Kurt was attempting to get her attention.

"I was just talking about the Buckeyes; I'm a college football fan," said Blaine. "I like sports too, you know.

_Well that's refreshing_, she thought.

"Oh, way to break the stereotype," said Kurt.

"Excuse me," said Mercedes to the waitress, "I know it's not on your menu, but I was wonde—"

"You want some tots?" asked the waitress kindly. Mercedes nodded vehemently. "You poor kids must go to McKinley," she joked.

"So, what were we talking about?" asked Mercedes.

"…Has anyone read Patti Lupone's new book?" asked Kurt.

Mercedes wondered if there was a way to kill someone with a tater tot, in a manner other than the obvious choking hazard.

Blaine looked confused for a moment, before he said, "I'm kidding, of course I have,"

"You scared me so much there!" said Kurt.

Mercedes looked at her soda. She missed her friend.

* * *

><p>"Nice going, band dudes! It feels like the sun is shining in here," said Holly.<p>

"And the body's still warm," said Will, as he snuck through the door.

"Hi. I'm Will Schuester. And this is my choir room," he said.

"I'm sorry we had to meet like this. The kids really love you. You must be a great teacher," she complimented.

"You don't believe that; if you did, you wouldn't have taken my job so easily," replied Will, his tone hurt and rejected.

"Guys, you want to take five?" she asked them. "Okay, you want to have this conversation? Let's have it," she said.

"You're a substitute—of course you can paint murals and let the kids sing whatever they want. You're never around when they have to deal with the hangover of all that fun," said Mr. Schue angrily.

"16% of all high school students dropped out last year," said Holly, "We can't just expect them to sit up and pay attention. These kids feel special. They have a voice, and if we don't listen to it, they just tune us out."

"I give my kids a voice; I just don't let it run free. I'm the teacher—it's my job to know more than they do," he replied, his voice getting louder.

"Right, but you don't know more about what they care about the most—themselves," she said, her reply cutting him to the bone. "These kids get bored, they change their Facebook status. They're entitled to have all of these emotions, and not only that, they're entitled, they're entitled for the world to care about them. That's what this generation is about."

"A great teacher is supposed to show them that there are other points of view besides their own," said Will, his tone one of righteousness.

"Okay, fine. What do you do when a kid does something really great in your class?" she asked, proving a point.

"Praise them," he responded, the answer obvious.

"I Tweet them about it, right then and there, and for those 30 seconds, I know that kid has a connection with me," she said, hoping Will would understand. He shook his head.

Holly sighed. "Look, it's…a terrible economy, and good teaching jobs are hard to get, let alone one in the arts. I just…I'm sorry, but…I…I can't turn this opportunity down," said Holly.

Mercedes, Principal Sue and Holly Holliday sat inside the Principal's office.

"You want to tell Miss Holiday why we're here?" asked Sue, her voice thick with anger and disgust.

"Remember when I asked to be excused from class?" questioned Mercedes.

[FLASHBACK]  
>"May I be excused? I'm gonna go shove some tots up the tailpipe of Coach Sylvester's car," said Mercedes.<p>

"Sure!" said Holly, voice full of enthusiasm.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"I told her not to touch my tots," said 'Cedes.

"You did 17,000 dollars worth of damage," responded Principal Sue.

Mercedes and Holly looked at each other, insanity before them.

"I drive a very rare and desirable automobile, ladies. Prized by collectors for its peerless grace among vintage European sports cars, 1 out of 7 in existence. The 1979 LeCar. Do you know how many hours it took to find a mechanic who even knew what a LeCar was?" Sue paused for a moment. "She's your student; I would love to hear what you suggest as a punishment."

"I was gonna suggest clapping erasers, but you guys are mostly dry-erase here, so…" drifted off Holly. Mercedes couldn't help but laugh.

"You know what you might not find so funny, Mercedes, is that tampering with an automobile's exhaust is a felony," said Sue, the contempt clear in her voice. "And you can rest assured that I and my attorney, Gloria Allred, will be pressing charges."

"So…am I going to jail, or…" drifted off Holly.

"Undetermined," responded Sue.

"Great," said Holly.

"Get the hell out of my office," said the tyrant across the desk.

Mercedes stood an walked out of the room, more silent than even a mouse.

"You have absolutely no idea what you're doing, do you?" Sue asked of Holly.

"No, not really," replied Miss Holliday. Sue nodded.

"By the way—berets are out," Principle Sylvester added as Holly left.

* * *

><p>"Sorry for just coming over like this," said Holly, "I wanted to do this in person. Plus, I heard you have expensive beer," she added with a smile.<p>

"I'm glad you did. And I do," said Will quietly.

"Look, I was out of line before; you have every right to teach however you want, and the fact is, the kids clearly love you," said Mr. Schuester, giving Holly a large compliment.

"I'm a terrible teacher…" she dropped off, and began to sob. "Don't argue with me—I know I am." She took a deep breath, and continued.

"Today, Mercedes got in trouble for shoving tots up Sue Sylvester's tailpipe, and were sitting in Sue's office, and Mercedes was looking at me like…'help!' and I was like totally lost," said Miss Holliday sadly.

"What did Sue do to her?" asked Mr. Schue, concerned for his student.

"I don't know, she like, suspended her or whatever? Oh, see! God, I do that every time. As soon as things get serious, I retreat," sobbed Holly. She sat for a few moments. "I didn't used to be like this. I-I-I was…more like you!" she said sadly.

[FLASHBACK]  
><strong>Spaulding High School, Ten years prior<strong>

"Good morning class!" said Miss Holliday.

_I was subbing for a math teacher_ she explained.

"The syllabus says you're on algorithms, so let's start with some easy ones.

"Let's start with you kissing my ass!" said a large black girl.

_Her name was Cameo_ said Holly, as she retold her story. _She was like an attractive Biggie Smalls_.

"Okay, Miss…Cameo," said Miss Holliday, "Do you find that algorithms are hard for you to understand?"

"Do you find my fist hard to understand?" asked Cameo.

"I have some really great tricks that make them very easy to learn," said Holly quietly.

"Tricks?" What are you, some type of magician substitute?" asked Cameo. "I'm a Christian, and that devil magic stuff offends me!" Cameo screamed

"CAMEO!" shrieked Holly.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"I woke up in an empty classroom," said Holly sadly. "They'd stolen my Air Jordans. From that moment, I realized I got to keep things moving, I gotta keep it mellow and fun!"

"Yeah, to keep from getting your butt kicked," said Mr. Schue.

"And I do, in all things," she sniffled, "I never sign more than a month-to-month lease; I only eat off paper plates. I live on one-night-stands. Last year, a guy asked me to marry him—I moved," she said, and took a long drink.

"Sounds…lonely," said Mr. Schue quietly.

She sighed. "Yeah, well…it works for me," said Holly. "But it doesn't work for those kids. I'm resigning."

The door opened and then closed.

"Oh, wow!" said Terri loudly. "Oh, Wow, Will!"

"Terri, what are you doing here? You should have called," said Mr. Schue.

"I brought you some more soup!" said Terri, as she slipped into her child voice, "But I guess baby's feewign a wot better if he's healthy enough to have a beer with a friend!" she shouted.

"No, no...I…" started Holly innocently. "Hi, I'm Holly Holliday."

"Are you a porn star or a drag queen?" Terri asked scathingly, "I'm Terri Schuester, Will's wife,"

"Wow," said Holly, "Your wife's kind of a bitch."

"She's my ex-wife," said Will to his friend, before turning on Terri, "and I have no idea what she's doing here," he finished.

"Do I have to remind you what went on here?" asked Terri.

"Can we talk about this another time?" countered Will.

"Why, cause this is embarrassing in front of your new girlfriend? Where has she been for the past two days, huh?" asked Terri, working herself up into hysterics.

"Ookay, I'm just gonna go home," said Holly.

"No," said Will. "I'm sorry, Terri. Last night was a mistake. I knew it as soon as it happened. I was lonely, and you were there. I'm sorry," he finished.

Terri paused for a moment. "No, no, honey, I'm sorry," at this, she let out a frustrated sigh, "I'm really out of control right now, and…I'm gonna come back."

"Terri?" said Mr. Schue as she walked away.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"Don't," he told her. "Don't come back.

"This is your last chance, Will. It's never gonna happen again. If I leave now, I'm never gonna come back," said Terri, handing an ultimatum to her ex-husband.

When he said nothing, she became violent.

"You're gonna regret this, Will," she said angrily, "I swear to God, you're gonna regret this!"

There was silence for a moment.

"You gonna be okay?" asked Holly.

"Tell me again about this life with no consequences?" he asked.

"It's kinda awesome," she responded, and they both laughed.

* * *

><p>That same night, Sam was watching Avatar, for the millionth time. Kurt had never texted him back, and to be honest, it really hurt that he didn't care.<p>

His phone vibrated.

{Kurt}{Your secret's safe with me. I won't tell a soul. I'm sure…he's a lucky guy}

Sam grinned, and did a fist pump into the air.

"YES!"

* * *

><p>Kurt was putting things away into his locker the next morning, when he heard a sound.<p>

"Psst!"

He looked to his right. There was Mercedes!

"Look what I snuck in," she said deviously, "My heart was racing."

"Are you out of your mind?" asked Kurt, "After what you did Sue's LeCar? You're gonna end up in prison!"

"So? You know what they have in prison?" countered Mercedes. "Tots!"

"I'm not giving up my friendship with Blaine. You are substituting food for love, Mercedes. And more importantly," he continued, "you're substituting me for a boyfriend.

Mercedes looked at the ground. Kurt was right, as he always was.

"Look at me! Two weeks ago, I thought there was no way I'd ever get a guy, and now look? I have a best friend who's gay, and someone who's been flirting with me!" Did Kurt dare to say it? Was Sam actually flirting with him?

Yes.

"You will find somebody. But until then, you just gotta take care of yourself, 'Cedes. And treat yourself with a little respect," he said quietly.

"You're right," she sighed, "I gotta go."

"Where?" asked a confused Kurt.

"I'm gonna go talk to that Anthony kid," said Mercedes as she threw away her junk food. "First time I saw him, I thought he was kind of cute. Maybe we have a shot."

As Mercedes turned to walk about, Kurt found himself grabbed by the shoulder.

"Question for you!" said an angry Karofsky, "Did you tell anyone else about what happened? How you-you kissed me?" he asked.

"You kissed me, Karofsky, and I understand how hard this is for you to deal with, so no, I haven't told anyone," responded Kurt.

"Good. You keep it that way. 'Cause if you do…I'm gonna kill you," threatened Karofsky. As he walked away, Kurt stood there, simply doing nothing.

Sam was the first person to see Kurt like that. He went up to him to see if he was okay, but the smile that was on Sam's face from seeing Kurt quickly turned into a frown when Kurt began crying.

Sam held him, while Kurt clung to his letterman jacket. Sam patted him on the back. The halls were empty; classes had already started. There was no one to see them. Sam held his friend until there were no more tears, then gave Kurt his letterman jacket.

"Keep this," he said, "and when you feel like crying, wear it," said Sam kindly.

Kurt could do nothing but stand there as Sam walked away, holding a letterman jacket in his arms.

* * *

><p>"So, I guess this is where I grovel to try to get my job back," said Mr. Schuester uncomfortably.<p>

"No groveling necessary, William. I'm returning you to your position," said Sue thoughtfully. "You know one of the marks of a successful leader is appointing trusted lieutenants, and Miss Holliday was clearly not up to the job," she said as she paused for a moment, "you irritate me, William. You make the underflaps of my breasts burn, like when I used to rub them with poison sumac. But your kids sure love you, as evidenced by the amount of treacley blubbering I had to sit though," complained Sue.

[FLASHBACK]  
>"Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school who asks you how you're doing and actually wants to hear an answer," said Finn.<p>

"Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school that ever really touched me. Besides Mr. Ryerson…" said Puck.

"He taught me how to tie my shoelaces," added Sam.

"I used to think I was the best thing that happened to this school, but…I was wrong. Mr. Schuester is," said Rachel.

"Mr. Schue taught me the second half on the alphabet. I stopped after M and N. I felt they were too similar and got frustrated," said Brittney, though her opinion was also weighted against her intelligence level.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"You know William, the one thing I learned in my time as President…"

"Principal," interjected Mr. Schue. _Dear God, let the day never come that happens_ thought Will.

"…you can't force public opinion. I pardoned you. Sometimes you have to give the inmates what they want. You throw 'em a comb, and hope they stop beating each other long enough to whittle it into a shiv," finished Sue. They both laughed.

"Well, I am relieved. I sort of thought I'd been replaced," said Mr. Schuester, as he reached out for a handshake.

"Aw, shut your gash, Nancy," she said harshly, and ignored his hand. "And as a condition of my not pressing charges, your Glee club will return my LeCar to mint condition. I suggest selling yourself on Craigslist under the heading of 'Men Seeking Men with Butt-Chins'," she added.

Mr. Schuester just shook his head, and walked out the door.

* * *

><p>The choir room was filled with the sounds of celebration<p>

"All right, thank you very much, guys! Please, please, just sit down…" said Mr. Schuester.

"Thank you…for that, and for all the kind words you said about me to Sue," said Will. "The feelings are mutual."

He allowed for a moment of warm silence.

"Now, we gotta get crackin', though. We lost a few days there, and it's all gonna be about focus and hard work for the next couple of days…" said Mr. Schuester eagerly.

"I guess Miss Holliday really is gone," said Puck sadly.

"I know you guys liked her, and she was a lot of fun, but she and I both agreed that this is what was best," he said, a little offended.

"Don't get us wrong, Mr. Schuester, we always wanted you as our teacher. She was just kind of a nice break," responded Tina.

"She did loosen us up," said Quinn.

"And she did have some good ideas for a sub," added Artie.

"Yeah! I get it," said Mr. Schue, more than a little peeved at his students. "And maybe we can, uh, incorporate those, after Sectionals," he said as he passed out sheet music.

"Now, when I'm sick, there is only one thing that makes me feel bette—" said Will.

"Gin and Juice…" interrupted Artie.

"No," responded Mr. Schue. "Singin' in the Rain. I must of watched it like, ten times over the past three days."

_I can relate, when it comes to Avatar_, thought Sam.

"It's actually what inspired me to try this out, as a contender for the first song at Sectionals."

"When is the song from?" asked Sam.

"Well, the movie opened in 1952," said Mr. Schuester. His students looked at him, ready to mutiny. "But-but it's really timeless!" he added. The glares grew worse.

* * *

><p>"Mary Todd Lincoln in the house!" said Miss Holliday. "My husband was probably gay, and I'm bi-polar, which makes me yell things like, 'That teapot's spreading lies about me!' or 'that can't be my baby, because I don't love it!'," exclaimed the crazy sub.<p>

"Miss Holliday, can I talk to you for a sec?" asked a very nervous Mr. Schue.

"Sure," she responded. She turned to the class. "Guys, practice your bi-polar rants. See? History can be fun!"

"How are you holding up?" he asked quietly.

"I'm okay," said Holly. "I'm back to my itinerant ways, I guess. I do miss Glee club, though," she said.

"Well, as much as the kids like me, they sure do miss you," said Will. The two laughed. "Which is why, next time I'm sick, I'm requesting you as the Glee sub," he said to her.

"Really?" she whispered. "Mr. Schuester, that would be so nice of you. It would be nice to feel like a part of something, you know?" she admitted.

"I know," replied Will. He continued. "I actually need your help with something else, though. See, I've been dying to do 'Singin' in the Rain', show them how great it is, but they're convinced it's too old-fashioned. Would you mind helping me make it a little more…modern?" he asked hopefully.

"I thought you'd never ask," she responded.

* * *

><p>The kids watched as the show began. Artie began rapping.<p>

/(Uh-huh, uh-huh) Yeah, Holly  
>(Uh-huh, uh-huh) Good girl gone bad<br>(Uh-huh, uh-huh) Take three...action!  
>(Uh-huh, uh-huh) Woah!

Holly started by singing.

\You have my heart  
>And we'll never be worlds apart<br>May be in magazines  
>But you'll still be my star<br>Baby, 'cause in the dark  
>You can't see shiny cars<br>And that's when you need me there  
>With you I'll always share<br>'Cause I...\

Mr. Schue jumped in, while being backed up by the choir.

/I'm singin' in the rain (We'll shine together)  
>Just singin' in the rain (We'll be forever)<br>What a glorious feeling (Be a friend)  
>And I'm happy again (Stick it out 'til the end)<br>I'm laughing at clouds (More than ever)  
>So dark, up above (We'll share each other)<br>I'm singin', singin' in the rain (Umbrella)/  
>|You can stand under my umbrella (Ella, ella, eh eh eh)<br>Under my umbrella (Ella, ella, eh eh eh eh eh eh)|

These fancy things  
>Will never come in between<br>You're part of my entity  
>Here for infinity<br>When the world has took its part  
>When the world has dealt its cards<br>If the hand is hard  
>Together we'll mend your heart<br>'Cause I...

I'm singin' in the rain (We'll shine together)  
>Just singin' in the rain (We'll be forever)<br>What a glorious feeling (Be a friend)  
>And I'm happy again (Stick it out 'til the end)<br>I'm laughing at clouds (More than ever)  
>So dark, up above (We'll share each other)<br>I'm singin', singin' in the rain (Umbrella)

You can stand under my umbrella (Umbrella)  
>Ella, ella, eh eh eh (Just singin' in the rain)<br>Under my umbrella (What a glorious feeling)  
>Ella, ella, eh eh eh (And I'm happy again)<br>Under my umbrella (I'm laughing at clouds)  
>Ella, ella, eh eh eh (So dark, up above)<br>Under my umbrella (I'm singin')  
>Ella, ella, eh eh eh eh eh eh (Singin' in the rain...)<p>

It's rainin', rainin'  
>Ooh, baby it's rainin', rainin'<br>Baby, come here to me  
>Come here to me<br>It's rainin', rainin'  
>Ooh, baby it's rainin', rainin' (More than ever)<br>Baby, come here to me  
>Come here to me<p>

It's rainin', rainin' (I'm singin' in the rain)  
>Ooh, baby it's rainin', rainin' (Just singin' in the rain)<br>Baby, come here to me (What a glorious feeling)  
>Come here to me (And I'm happy again)<br>It's rainin', rainin' (I'm laughing at cluods)  
>Ooh, baby it's rainin', rainin' (So dark, up above)<br>Baby, come here to me (The sun's in my heart)  
>And I'm ready for love<p>

My umbrella, my umbrella  
>My umbrella, my umbrella<p>

* * *

><p>Okay! So that would be the…third chapter? Fourth chapter? I don't know anymore. I just update. And type. Dear God, I have no life. Though for once, I feel oddly fulfilled with what I do. I guess getting my wisdom teeth out was a good thing after all!<p>

Furthermore, I wish to point out that discussing the underside of Sue's breast was possibly the most awkward thing I've ever typed.

Anyway, thank you all so much. I look forward to your reviews. If you enjoyed this, or laughed, even once, I implore you, leave me goodies in my mailbox ^_^.


	5. 02x08: Furt

Hi guys! I'm back. I've been working non-stop. I need to get this done. Something primordial within me has awoken, and I cannot rest until this is finished. After it is, I'm going to revise and rewrite The Illness. But this will happen. I promise. I've begun something, and by God, come hell or high water, I'll get through it.

I just wish to point out the word count from chapter to chapter has gone up by approximately 900 words from chapter to chapter. Random factoid.

Ladies and gents, I own nothing. Disclaimed!

Dedicated to Sussiekitten and Nikkithedead. And a shout out to Daikun the Time Sage, who kept me awake last night to finish this completely ;-)

As always, your guide to the chapters: _Italics_ are thoughts, [FLASHBACKS] are in brackets, {Txt msgs} are in funny brackets (they're actually called "definite" brackets, or even Scottish Brackets. I'm baffled as to why), and /, \, are for individual singers, and || are for multiple singers. Ready? Excellent.

On with it!

* * *

><p>Kurt was being carried down the hall by his father and Carole. The three arrived at Finn's locker. The jock looked at all three, slightly confused.<p>

"Oh. What's going on? Is this one of those interventions, 'cause…" Finn said, thoroughly lost. His eyes darted between his mother, Kurt and his dad.

"If it is, it's for the both of us," Kurt said, "They bombarded me, and forced me to bring them to you," admitted Kurt.

"Okay, come on, tell 'em!" exclaimed Burt.

"No, no, no, you! Come on, you!" said Carole.

"No, you said in the car…" insisted Burt.

"Please!" begged Carole.

There was silence. Blessed silence.

"Alright, so you know how I drive Carole to work every Tuesday?" asked Burt. Finn nodded, smiling. It was cute, and it made his mom happy.

"Well, today I drove here, and we snuck into that classroom where Kurt introduced us—very romantic of me, I might add—and I…" Burt was about to continue, but Carole interrupted.

"HE PROPOSED!" she screamed. "He proposed!" Her smile, and the joy in her eyes, was enough to light up the room.

"You stole the punch line!" exclaimed Burt.

Kurt's eyes became huge. They were literally the size of quarters. He was in shock. A good shock!

Finn, on the other hand, was simply in shock. "Wow. This just happened?" he asked, dumbfounded.

"Oh, dad!" said Kurt, looking at the ring. That was a diamond if he'd ever saw one.

"We wanted the two of you to be the first to know," said Carole to her son.

"Yeah, after the kids in that homeroom," joked Burt, "Come on, family hug, huh?

Finn was dragged into the circle of people.

"I'm so excited and-and so nervous!" said Carole happily.

"Don't be, don't be!" said Kurt, placating her, "Oh, my God. This is just what I needed. I will take care of it from here. I have a trunk full of wedding magazines hidden under my bed. I'm thinking of a russet and cognac theme. Those are colors, Finn, fall colors" said the fashionista to his friend, soon to be brother!

Finn had yet to say much of anything.

"Nothing too extravagant, Kurt, okay? We're gonna use whatever savings we have; we are spending it on the honeymoon," said Burt. "That's right! We're going to Waikiki, to the hotel where the put up the guest stars on Lost."

"Finn, you-you haven't said anything," noticed Carole.

"I-uh-I'm…I guess I'm just kind of stunned," said Finn.

"Hey, don't worry. I'm already looking for a bigger house, one where everybody's gonna get their own rooms. Alright?" said Burt, encouraging the football jock.

"Come on, honey. Be happy for me," pleaded Carole.

Finn thought for a long moment. "I am, Mom," he said finally.

"All right, now listen, Kurt? Mr. Wedding Planner, I want you to take care of one thing. I don't care about the food, or the booze at this party, but I want one heck of a band! I've been eating right, I've been exercising…and I want to boogie with Carole at this wedding," said Burt, attempting to show off his dance moves, "and I will boogie." Carole laughed.

"All right! It's already taken care of, Dad. I'm gonna hire the New Directions as your band. Right? It won't cost you a cent. They're cheap, they're available," Finn nodded his agreement, "Long story short—you're having a Glee wedding!" exclaimed the fashionista.

* * *

><p><em>Today is red-letter day,<em> thought Sue as she folded envelopes in her office. _The big day has finally arrived for one Sue Sylvester_

"Becky, get in here!" she shouted. "Get these invites down to the post office, stat!"

"Got it, Coach," the girl replied, singly focused on the task at hand.

_And to think that this joyous occasion began in horror!_ She thought angrily.

[FLASHBACK]  
>"…which is why I just prefer to think of the homeless as outdoorsy. So shine on, urban campers! You smell like adventure," she said, "and that's how Sue sees it."<p>

"Sue, you're the bee's knees," said the newscaster. "Before we break, I'd like to make an announcement."

"Rod and I are engaged," said his co-anchor.

"I popped the question in my building's common-use hot tub. Booyah," he said confidently, "not to worry, ladies—it's an open marriage. We'll be right back."

Sue stormed over to the front desk.

"How dare you humiliate me like that! People know you and I dated!" said Sue, her voice filled with rage.

"Sue, you can't tame the tiger. You've read my tattoos," Rod said to the Coach.

"Face it, Sue. You're never going to find someone, and you're gonna die alone," said Andrea, her tone deceiving to those who weren't listening to her words.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

_So, I decided to try online dating,_ _and there was only one match for Sue Sylvester—one Sue Sylvester_ thought Sue._ So thanks, eDesperate. I'm over the moon. Or maybe I'm a little high off this adhesive, but I want to scream from the highest mountain, 'Sue Sylvester is marrying herself'_ thought the Cheerio coach.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Sam was lifting weights in the gym.<p>

"Hey, is that safe?" asked a concerned Finn, "with your shoulder messed up and all?"

"Doesn't feel messed up to me," said Sam arrogantly. "Now that I'm healthy, I'm going to be gunning to get my job back."

Finn thought that was kind of forward.

"Well, Coach Beiste isn't going to replace me while we're winning," said Finn.

"You can't win every game," countered Sam, "Look, I still want to be friends. It's just, I'm kind of on the cusp of being one of the most popular guys in school."

"Wow, I, uh…I didn't think you were the type that cared about that stuff," said Finn. From everything Kurt had told him, Sam was a really nice guy. Well, that wasn't how Kurt put it, but it's what he meant.

"Everyone does. Being on top means you don't have to take crap from anybody; no teasing, no Slushee facials," said Sam. There was a method to his madness, though. If he could get (and stay!) on top, then he could protect Kurt. That was all he really wanted.

"Being quarterback isn't gonna put you on top, especially since you can't even get Quinn to be your girlfriend," teased Finn.

Sam just smiled.

_If only you knew_…he thought.

* * *

><p>"So, what did you want to talk about in private?" asked Quinn. Sam had texted her earlier, and asked her to meet him in the choir room.<p>

"Well, you know how I'm becoming more popular, right?" asked Sam.

"Yeah…" responded the Cheerio.

"And, you know how I might be quarterback soon?" he led again.

"Yeah…" said Quinn, starting to see where this was going.

"And I'll need a Cheerio to be there for me…" continued Sam.

Quinn put 2 and 2 together, and got four.

"You need my help to become Kurt's boyfriend, don't you?" she asked. Sam sighed heavily.

"Is it that obvious?" he asked, smiling at his best friend. Quinn simply laughed.

"I'm assuming you want to sing to him?" she asked, "seeing how you're terrible with your feelings?"

Sam blushed.

"Well, yeah, but…" he drifted off, "…I'm having trouble finding a song that really means what I want to say!"

"Okay…" said Quinn. "Well, let's brainstorm. Taylor Swift's Romeo and Juliet?"

Sam gagged. "No."

"Brown Eyed Girl?"

"Wrong gender…"

"Embraceable you?"

"Not my style."

"How Sweet it is (to be Loved by You)?"

"What is it with you and old music? Kurt likes newer things."

"I Honestly Love You? He was planning on singing that to Finn…"

"So I'm re-using his love song on him? Not gonna happen."

"Got it!" shouted Quinn. "Katy Perry!"

"Really? That's what you came up with?" complained Sam.

"Seriously. Listen to this," said the Cheerio as she played 'One of the Boys'

"Hm…" said Sam, but eventually he shook his head, "It's definitely from a girl's perspective."

The two thought for a long, terrible silence. Then, just when they were about to give up hope, someone walked past the door, idly whistling a tune.

Quinn and Sam looked at each other, their faces a-glow with happiness.

"That's it!" she shouted

"Eureka!" said Sam. "Oh, Quinn, I love you so much I could kiss you!"

"Oh, please, for the love of God, don't. I don't need gay boy slobber on me," she complained.

At this, Sam stuck his tongue out at her, and chased her around the room with it.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Kurt was completely oblivious to their scheming. As he shut his locker, Finn came up to him.<p>

"Hey, uh, so I've been reviewing this itinerary, and I don't really get it," said the taller boy, "Are you sure we should release 300 live doves indoors? Won't that get kind of messy?" asked the teen.

"That's why we feed them glitter, Finn," explained Kurt, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Oh. Well, look, I've been thinking about it, and I really want to do something special for the wedding, and I wanted to take this opportunity to sort of remind everyone that I'm, you know, a leader," said Finn awkwardly. It had sounded better in his head.

"I have the perfect idea," said Kurt, "After you walk your Mom down the aisle and give her away to my dad…"

"Incredibly creepy…" interjected Finn.

"…and give your speech to the newlyweds—which I will write, although you are free to suggest overall themes—you and Carole will have a lovely mother-and-son dance in front of everyone," finished the Kurt.

"That's a terrible idea; everybody knows I'm the worst dancer," said the football player.

"Finn, trust me on this. I've been planning weddings since I was two. My Power Rangers got married and divorced in so many combinations they were like Fleetwood Mac," said the diva.

"I guess if I could pull it off, it would make me seem like a cool stud," replied Finn.

"Totally," whispered Kurt.

"Thanks. It's a plan!" Finn was completely jazzed about this now. Kurt was happy; less work he had to do. He closed his locker, only to come upon a terrifying sight. Karofsky stood there, eyes filled with…well, Kurt wasn't sure what, but it didn't look good.

"I don't want you near me," said the boy, his voice trembling.

Karofsky's expression contorted, in what looked like anger; then happiness; then lust; and back to anger. He ripped the Bride and Groom figure out of Kurt's arms, saying a glib, "Can I borrow this?" before taking it down the hall with him.

Before he walked away, Karofsky smiled; a toothy, horrible smile that made Kurt's heart seize within his chest, and muttered "Thanks!" before walking away.

Will saw all of this, and rushed over to Kurt, who was still trembling.

"Are you okay?" he asked, gently laying his hand on Kurt's upper arm.

Kurt could bare answer, other than shaking his head.

"Okay, let's go to the principal, come on," said Will. This worried even him.

* * *

><p>"Did he physically hurt you?" asked Sue calmly.<p>

Kurt sighed.

"…No."

"You said he's shoved you into lockers before," said Mr. Schue.

"Well, I can't expel a kid for shoving. He'll just say, "I didn't mean to shove that kid, I tripped! Excuse works like a charm. I use it all the time," said Sue. She would never betray it, but deep down, she was worried for her little Porcelain.

"He didn't shove me this time," said Kurt, feeling weary. "He just terrified me."

"Lady, I can't suspend a student because he scares you. High school is a dry run for the rest of your life. It's rough. People can be mean," said Sue sadly.

"That's your advice? That's all you have to say?" asked Mr. Schue, incredibly offended at Sue. She'd been a jerk in the past, but this went beyond anything she'd ever said before.

"William, I was bullied my entire life. I grew up with a handicapable sister. I know very well how cruel people can be. Was it difficult? Yes. Did it make me stronger? You bet it did," Sue lectured. She really hoped it was just a simple case of Porcelain overreacting.

"It's the fear that's the worst. I never know when it's coming; I can't concentrate; I don't feel like I'm a part of this school at all," said Kurt sadly.

_Definitely not Porcelain overreacting then_, thought Sue.

"I feel like I'm in a horror movie where this creature follows me around, terrifying me, and there's nothing I can do about it?" continued Kurt. "I mean, you don't…you don't know what's going on in this kid's head. You don't know what he's capable of…" drifted off the teenager.

Will stood up, and leaned against Sue's desk. There was something more going on here; he was sure of it.

"Nothing. Maybe I'm overreacting," said Kurt quietly.

"Lady, this kid lays a finger on you, you come straight to me, and I will expel him faster than a Thai take-out place can read back your delivery order. Okay?" she asked, "but until that happens, and I'm genuinely sorry to say this, there is nothing legally I or the school board can do," said Principal Sue, a great weight upon her heart.

Will glared at her, even though he knew it was the truth.

"Come on, Kurt. We're gonna be late for rehearsal," said Mr. Schue.

Kurt sighed. As he was about to leave the room, he turned to Sue.

"You know, when you call me lady—that's bullying. And it's really hurtful," admitted Kurt quietly.

"I'm sorry. I thought that was your name. As an apology, I'll allow you to choose from the following nicknames—Gelfing, Porcelain, and Tickle-Me-Doughface," she responded. She hated to do it; no, that was a lie. She loved to do it, but it was only to prove that name calling isn't something that should make him to head for the hills.

"I guess I'll go with Porcelain," he said.

"Damn. Totally wanted Tickle-Me-Doughface," she joked.

* * *

><p>After rehearsal, the girls gather 'round at Rachel's request.<p>

"Ladies, the Kurt-Karofsky bullying situation is getting way out of control. Kurt's miserable, he's losing weight—and not in a good way. And he's barely even fighting me for solos anymore," Rachel began, outlining the issue.

"We've all been teased, but something about what Karofsky's doing is so much worse," said Tina.

"We're all lucky enough to have boyfriends on the football team. I say we band together and demand that they confront Karofsky!" said Rachel triumphantly. She'd worked hard on that speech.

"Okay, first of all, I'm not dating Sam," said Quinn, "and second of all, I think you personally just set the feminist movement back 50 years."

"But guys like Karofsky only respond to muscle," said Rachel.

"So…we're gonna fight violence with violence?" asked Quinn, pointing out the key flaw of Rachel's plan.

"No! Look, I'm not saying that they should hit him. What I'm saying is that we need to defend Kurt, and there's strength in numbers!" argued Rachel.

"I'm confused. Are you and Artie officially dating now?" asked Tina.

"Deal with it," said Britt, before asking, "When you guys fooled around, did he ever, like, just lie there?"

"Why didn't you tell me that we were having a Glee girls meeting?" asked Santana, who had just walked in.

"Well this is a meeting for Glee girls with boyfriends. We're going to make them stop Karofsky from bullying Kurt," said Rachel matter-of-factly.

"Okay, I'm dating Puckerman," said Santana

"You're getting naked with Puckerman," sniped Quinn.

"Besides, Puck can't mess with Karofsky. If he gets in a fight with him, he'll be sent back to Juvie," pointed out Tina.

"Mmhmm. Yeah, so now, if you'll excuse us," asked Rachel.

Santana scoffed. "You're so on my list, dwarf," she said, before sauntering away.

"Look, if something bad happens to Kurt, and we didn't do anything to stop it? We'll never be able to live with ourselves," said Rachel.

* * *

><p>"I'm a little confused," said the wedding planner.<p>

"I said, not only am I marrying myself, I will be officiating," answered Sue.

The wedding planner stuttered.

"Marsha Dean," began Sue, "when I hired you and your crack team at Marsha Dean Weddings, I did so because you said you specialize in unique weddings," she finished.

"Well, that mostly means that some of them take place outside," stuttered the wedding planner.

"Marsha Dean, you are fired," said Sue, "you are out of your depth. And nothing is too good for Sue Sylvester."

"Well, that's one way to look at it," said a voice from beyond the door.

"Hello! I'm Doris Sylvester. I'm this one's mother. Marsha, I'll be people say you look mannish. But you know something? I think it's perfectly alright for a woman to be handsome," finished Sue's mom.

Marsha Dean ran out the door.

"Takes all kinds," said Doris, gesturing. "Susie…come give your mother a hug!"

"Please don't call me that," complained Sue.

"Come on, come on," she encouraged her daughter. As the two hugged, her mother sprang back, yelping in pain.

"Oh, you poked me in my sternum," Doris said. "I always forget that you have this ribcage that's kind of weird…and adorable. I think I'll sit down!" said Coach Sylvester's mother.

_Dear God…_wondered Coach Sylvester_ Five minutes with you is harder than all the time without!_

"Mom, what are you doing here?" asked Sue, hoping she'd be leaving just as quickly as she'd arrived.

"Good news, Suze. We finally caught the last Nazi," said Doris.

Sue looked out the window, a pained expression on her face.

"For two and a half years, we've been hot on the trail of Eva Braun's great-nephew, Chad. And you know what? He's been under our noses this whole time," continued the elder Sylvester.

Sue nodded, humoring her mother's eccentricities.

"He's been working as a CPA in Phoenix," she added. "I felt bad taking him out," she said, and it almost sounded like there was an inkling of a soul within her bones. Then she spoke again, "I mean, it's punishment enough to live there. Ever been to Phoenix? It's a hellhole."

"Mom, where have you been?" interjected Sue. "I haven't seen you or heard from you in over three years!" Sue said.

"What do you mean? I-I wrote you all those postcards! I mean, granted they were decoys…" she drifted off.

"Have you seen Jean yet?" asked Sue, her tone clearly accusing (and rightfully so!).

"It's the top of my list," responded Doris.

Sue bit back her reply.

"Look, I, uh…I know it's been a long time, but…the work I was doing was important. And I always wanted to get back here, and be a mother to you girls again," said the elder Sylvester. "And Susie, I have to ask you, what is it with this ridiculous wedding?" her mother asked. "Have you given up on love?

"No, mother, quite the opposite," said the Coach.

"I mean, when you were little, the other mothers used to tell me that you'd never find anybody, but I said 'No, no, no, no. She's a perfectly okay child. She'll grow into her looks!' And you know what? I believe you still might," added Doris, her condescension clear.

"Mother, I am going through with this wedding, and you are free to accept the invitation or not," said Sue, fed up with all the antics and theatrics. This was the reason she hated Glee club. This was the reason she hated Will Schuester.

"Are you inviting me?" asked Doris, playing dumb.

"I'm inviting you now," said Sue through clenched teeth.

"Well, I'm accepting. Don't get so huffy," responded Doris quickly. She sat back in her chair a little, much like a spider resting on its web before the kill.

"Since your father's no longer with us, I want to walk you down the aisle," said the elder Sylvester.

"Nope, I'm doing that," replied Sue quickly.

"Then I know exactly what I'm going to do," said Doris, "You remember when you were a little girl, and you used to ask me to sing to you," at this, Sue smiled a little, "and I never had the time, so you'd line up your little dollies and they'd sing to each other? Appalachian Murder Ballads but, it was touching."

"You know something though?" continued the Coach's mother, "I'm going to be there for you this time. I'm going to sing at your wedding," said Doris.

* * *

><p>"But why?" asked Rachel, thoroughly confused.<p>

"Karofsky plays right guard. If he gets pissed at me, I'm going to get sacked more times Jay Cutler, which means we're going to lose, which means Beiste is going to make Sam quarterback," finished Finn. It made logical sense!

"Is being quarterback more important to you than helping out the kid that's going to be your stepbrother?" asked Rachel, shocked at her boyfriend's behavior.

"Look, we both know I can help him more if I stay on top!" said Finn angrily, unaware that it wasn't a concern, were Sam to be quarterback. "Look, Kurt's going to be fine. Rachel, I'm sorry. I want to, but I can't," finished Finn.

Rachel looked up at him through long lashes, eyes tearing up.

"I've never been so disappointed in you before," she said simply, before storming down the corridor.

* * *

><p>Karofsky was tying his belt, unaware of the approaching football players.<p>

"Stop picking on Kurt!" said Artie from his wheelchair. Sam silently agreed with him from his corner of the locker room.

"You mind? I'm changing," said Karofsky, a look of disgust upon his face.

"Were serious!" shouted Mike as he slammed Karofsky's locker shut.

The point of no return had been reached.

"This is a warning," said Mike.

"Oh, yeah?" asked Karofsky haughtily.

"Yeah. From now on, you're gonna leave him alone," said Artie.

"Look. If he wants to be a homo? That's up to him, but don't rub it in my face," said Karofsky, growing angrier by the second.

Sam's blood boiled.

For a moment, Artie wondered if that was the only emotion David knew how to feel.

"We're not asking you," said Artie.

"Yeah, we're done talking about this," added Mike, "just back off, alright?" he said in Karofsky's face.

"Look, you back off!" exploded Karofsky, pushing Mike over and knocking him into Artie so that the both of them collapsed on the floor.

Sam rushed Karofsky, his expression one of pure rage.

"Hey!" he shouted, as he shoved Karofsky back into a locker, "Back off!" he growled. The two of them began to fight. Sam nailed a good knee into Karofsky's thigh, but David had Sam pinned. With all his might, Sam threw Karofsky off and into a second set of lockers. David roared in pain, before slugging Sam in the eye.

Sam, as do most people who have gotten punched in the eye, fell down. Karofsky jumped on him, and was about to start throwing punches when the Beiste walked in.

"Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?" she yelled, as she pulled Karofsky off Sam. "Get up! Get up here! Get up!" She split the two boys up. Sam still wanted to murder David for talking that way about his Kurt.

"What the hell's going on here?" questioned Coach Beiste.

* * *

><p>Later on, in Glee, the boys were telling the story.<p>

"Dude was a wild animal," said Mike.

"A Manimal," said Artie, coining the first (and hopefully last) use of that word.

"I'm so turned on by you right now," said Brittney to Artie.

"How bad does it look?" asked Sam

Kurt was holding an ice pack on it.

"It looks pretty bad, but it reminds me of what you did for me, and just how much I owe you," said Kurt gratefully. Sam rewarded him with a brilliant, 1000 watt smile.

"You have no idea how hard it was for me not to jump into that beatdown!" said Puck angrily.

"Where were you, Finn?" asked Santana critically, though her point was rather valid.

"I was still out on the field, okay?" said the jock. "I totally would have given him a beatdown if I had been there, though," he sulked.

"The fact is, it shouldn't have gone down without you, Finn. You should have been leading the charge," accused Mercedes, and like always, she was right.

"Lay off Finn, everyone. It isn't his problem," said Kurt, still tending to Sam's bruised eye. He stopped for a moment. "It's none of your problems, actually…" when he said this, Sam's face fell, and Kurt couldn't help but to try and get that 1000 watt smile back "…but thank you for what you did," he trailed off, laying his hand on Sam's face, on the same side as the icepack that Sam was now holding. "Especially Sam."

"Serious, an epitome of a leader," cheered Mike.

"What's going on?" asked a confused Mr. Schuester, "What happened to Sam's eye?

Kurt, who had a hand on Sam's face, quickly grabbed the icepack. "He stood up to Karofsky," said Kurt quietly.

"All the guys did," added Tina, "well, not Finn," she said last.

"Is everyone okay?" asked Will, "Do we all need to go talk to Principal Sylvester?"

"No," said Sam, saying what Kurt had been about to vocalize. "I got in a few good licks, too, so we can just call it even," said Sam, "and maybe this will send a warning to Karofsky, telling him to back off Kurt."

Mr. Schuester approached the pair sitting in the corner (or as close to the corner as the group would allow them to). He took one look at Sam's eye and knew it would be a hell of a shiner. He turned to Kurt, who was shaking a little.

"You okay, Kurt?" he asked quietly. Kurt nodded. After a moment of silence, Mr. Schue spoke.

"Alright, guys, let's take our places. We've got a wedding to prepare for," said their Glee Coach.

Finn sat, and was the last to get up, even though he was the healthiest.

* * *

><p>"Well, Mr. Pianoman, I think I owe you an apology," said Sue, unable to provide sheet music.<p>

"Not to worry, Susie-Q. I arranged for us to spend an hour in here with that cutie-pie, what's his, uh…handsome guy. What's his name?"

"Will Schuester?" suggested Sue, thoroughly disgusted with her mother.

_Am I really half of her genetic material?_ Sue asked herself.

Her mother sighed happily.

"Let's get this over with," begrudged an unhappy Sue Sylvester.

"Look…I know you've always resented my leaving. But I don't think you ever truly appreciated the sacrifices I made to be a famous Nazi hunter. I don't think you ever thought about how hard it was on me. So, this is the song I'm going to sing at your wedding," said Doris. Sue thought this was a rather abrupt topic change, until she looked at the title.

"Yoo-hoo! There we are," said Doris to the band (and, of course Brad, who cowered in terror from the two women).

"I know you know it!" Doris said to no one in particular. "It's one of my favorites."

Sue lay her head on the piano.

_Dear God, why me? Is this revenge for all the Schuester-torturing I've done this past year?_

"Well hit it!" exclaimed Doris.

And so, much to the chagrin of Sue, Brad, and the rest of the band, Doris the Nazi Hunter began to sing.

/Why, oh why, oh why, oh  
>Why did I ever leave Ohio?<br>Why did I wander  
>To find what lies yonder<br>When life was so cozy at home?/

Sue reluctantly joined in, and stood next to her mother. The two sang harmony.

|Wondr'ing while I wander  
>Why did I fly?<br>Why did I roam?  
>Oh, why oh, why oh,<br>Did I leave Ohio?  
>Maybe I'd better go…|<p>

/O-H-I-O/  
>\Oh…\<p>

Sang Doris, and Sue held the note out. The two came back together.

|Maybe I'd better go home…|

"Well mother, this song still doesn't explain why you abandoned your children," said Sue while looking at her mother with contempt. This was why she hated Glee.

"Ohio was stifling, and we couldn't wait to get out of the place, and I told you, 'Sue, we're going to be hunting Nazi's'," claimed her mother.

"And Pop said, 'Sue, this might take a while'," echoed the Coach.

"Well, those Nazi's are slippery, and me hunting them way down in Lima, Peru…" said Doris.

"And we'd get postcards from Niagara Falls," said Sue angrily.

"While I'm stalking Mengele in Bolivian malls," responded her mother.

"Three times a year, we'd get crackling phone calls," complained Sue.

"Happy Birthday!" said Doris.

"Hunting Nazi's!" replied Sue.

"Merry Christmas!" said Doris.

"Hunting Nazi's!" answered Sue again.

"Homesick," said the elder.

"Abandoned," said the younger.

"Heartsick," complained Doris.

"Neglected," responded Sue.

|Thank heavens we're free!|

Sang the two in unison, before splitting into harmony.

|Why, oh why, oh why, oh  
>Why did I ever leave Ohio|<p>

The two held hands while the music played.

| Oh, why oh, why oh,  
>Did I leave Ohio?<br>Maybe I'd better stay…  
>Home…|<p>

The moment between mother and daughter was touching. Doris sniffled.

"Well, that wasn't as good as I thought it would be," said the elder Sylvester, as she checked her watch, "Oh, whoop! I've got a fitting for your wedding!" she said before continuing, "I'm wearing white. I know you won't mind. It goes with my skin tone. You? You got your father's coloring. Give us a kiss."

As she walked off stage, singing a capella, Sue Sylvester had to simultaneous thoughts. The first was that she had never hated Glee, or music more in her life. The second was that she'd never felt more lonely in her life.

* * *

><p>"Thank you both for attending the Kurt Hummel dance seminar!" said Kurt winningly to his father and, soon to be brother.<p>

"Dad, you're going to have to pull off the first dance with Carole. And if Uncle Andy's 40th birthday party was any indication, you're gonna need some work.

"What are you talking about? My moves were great, okay? It was the…the damn sangria…" trailed off Burt.

"Okay. We dance to the beat, not to the words," said Kurt, as he grabbed his father's hand. "Alright. Stand right here. Now, have you guys chosen a wedding song?" asked Kurt, trying to figure out an appropriate dance.

"Uh, yeah. We're thinking 'Stairway,' or some Buble," responded Burt.

"So it's basically one-two-three-four," said Kurt, nodding to Brad. "Follow me, alright? Gentleman leads on the left," said Kurt, giving accurate yet concise directions. "Opposite of me. Got it?" he asked.

"Right, opposite," Burt responded.

"One-two-three-four," said Kurt, ingraining the dance in Burt's body-memory so it could do this later.

Sam walked past the classroom while the two were dancing. He saw Kurt teaching Burt.

_Damn, I wish that was me_ thought Sam sadly. He sent Kurt a brief text, and walked on.

{Sam}{Nice dance lessons. Teach me?}

Sam certainly had good timing when it came to avoiding yet another fight. Kurt continued to teach his father.

"Hey, I'm dancing!" exclaimed Burt.

"Yeah, you are!" replied his son, "Now Burt, you go over here, dance with yourself, practice." He turned to his stepbrother-to-be.

"Come on, Finn, no chickening out. I did it, you got to do it, too," ordered Mr. Hummel.

Finn stood nervously, and walked over to Kurt.

"Okay…" he said quietly to himself.

"Can…can we shut the door? I'm not really comfortable with people watching," said Finn, his homophobia seeping through.

"What are you talking about? You danced in front of 1,000 people at Regionals," replied Kurt, not catching Finn's issue.

Finn sighed, and took his hand, knowing he would start a fight if he didn't.

"Okay," sighed Finn.

As Kurt took Finn's hands, they both looked to the door.

And there, as fate would have it, stood Karofsky, making a limp-wristed motion.

"What the hell was that?" asked Burt darkly.

"It's nothing, Dad," said Kurt sadly.

"That was not nothing. That guy was making fun of you. What the hell's his name?" demanded Burt.

"Tell him, Kurt," urged Finn.

"Tell me what?" asked Burt.

"Tell him, or I will," giving Kurt the ultimatum.

"His name is Dave Karofsky. He's…been harassing me for a few weeks now," admitted Kurt.

"Harassing you how?" pressed his father.

"Just—shoving me, giving me a hard time," covered Kurt.

Burt took one look at his son and saw the lie.

"There's more. There's something else you're not telling me," said Burt.

Kurt sighed, and divulged the secret he'd not told anyone.

"He threatened to kill me."

Burt sprinted out of the room.

"What? You've got to be kidding me!" said Finn, astonished. He turned around to check on Kurt's dad, when he realized Burt was no longer there.

"Burt!" he called after the older man, and ran through the door.

Kurt, as always, was the last.

"What the hell?" asked Karofsky, as he was shoved up against the wall with a forearm to his throat.

"You like picking on people?" Burt asked, as Karofsky gasped for air, "Why don't you try me?" dared the older man.

"Burt! Stop!" shouted Finn.

"Please, you're sick, come on," said Kurt quietly.

Burt stared into Karofsky's dumb eyes, not backing down. Not when it came to his son. Karofsky walked away, a disgusted expression on his face.

"And where have you been while this is all going on, huh?" Burt asked of Finn, storming off down the hall.

"Dad…" Kurt whispered quietly.

* * *

><p>"So it seems the situation has reached a boiling point," said Principal Sue.<p>

"Your damn right it has!" responded Burt.

"Nothing happened," claimed Karofsky.

"I'll tell you what really happened. Mr. Karofsky—" said Burt, but before he could finish, Karofsky the elder spoke.

"My name's Paul," said Mr. Karofsky. He seemed like a quiet, gentle man. He wore a brown suit, with a blue tie.

"Paul, your kid threatened the life of my son," said Burt.

Paul looked at David.

Sue looked at Kurt.

"Porcelain? Is that true?" she asked quietly.

Kurt nodded solemnly.

"That's not true. I didn't say anything," claimed David.

"That's what he said," Kurt whispered, despondent. "He said he would kill me if I told anyone."

Kurt realized what he said. He had a choice; out his tormentor, or defend him?

"If you told anyone what?" asked Sue for clarification.

"Just…that he was picking on me," answered Kurt.

David gave a dramatic sigh.

"He's making all this stuff up!" claimed the jock.

"Oh, is that right?" asked Burt.

"Hold on a sec," said Paul, "You have been acting differently lately, David. You used to get A's and B's. You're talking back, you're acting out, and now we're sitting here. So let me ask you: Why would Kurt make that up?" asked Paul sincerely. For Paul was a logical man, and upstanding man, one of reason and morals.

"Maybe he likes me," suggested Karofsky.

Paul glared at his son fiercely. Where had he gone wrong?

"I think we're wasting our time here," said Burt. "It's your job to protect people."

"Couldn't agree more," said the Principal, "After hearing both sides of the story, you are hereby expelled. I will not have one student threatening the life of another. If you don't think this is fair, well, you can appeal to the school board. You'll leave campus immediately," ordered Sue. While she may not have had any children, Kurt was the closest thing to one she'd ever known, and she was protective of that.

David shook his head, as if to say, "That's it?"

"I appreciate your time," said Paul quietly. He would appeal, but not to get his son back in; simply because there wasn't enough evidence warranting the decision.

The Karofskys' walked sadly out.

Burt stood slowly. "Thank you," he said before leaving the office.

"Enjoy your wedding," said Sue.

* * *

><p>Finn was attempting to put on his fake tie, and was struggling to do so as he looked in the mirror. He noticed someone coming up to him on the side. He moved over, and saw it was Santana.<p>

"Huh. Never learned how to tie a tie," he said awkwardly.

Santana smiled.

"Sit down, Frankenteen," she said, as she put on Finn's tie, "I'm guessing you know what you're losing it. I mean, Sam is clearly the new Glee favorite, and he's going to become starting quarterback…"

"What's your point?" interrupted Finn.

"My point is that you need a coolness injection. If you were honest and told people what we did last year, you would go from uncool to Chilly Willy in a heartbeat," said Santana, throwing in a dick reference to the sentence.

"Maybe, but I can't do that…" he responded.

[FLASHBACK]  
>Finn and Rachel were making out in Rachel's room.<p>

"Wait," she said.

"What?" asked Finn, his one-track-mind jumping to what he thought was the obvious conclusion; sex.

"There's something I have to tell you," admitted Rachel. "I didn't have sex with Jessie."

Something inside of Finn broke into a million pieces. It wasn't his heart, but it was something similar.

"I…I lied. To make you jealous," she said.

"It's cool! Um, you know, I had a feeling, considering how much of a prude you are with me—not that I'm complaining!" said Finn, backpedalling.

"This is so much better," said Rachel, "Because now neither of us have done it and we can save it. For each other…" said Rachel.

"Awesome…" said Finn.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"If she found out, she'd break up with me," said Finn.

"And this would be bad because…" drifted off Santana.

"Because I'm in love with her and I don't want to hurt her feelings," responded Finn.

"Okay, don't you see that midget is like an anchor, dragging you down to the depths of Loserville?" asked Santana.

"Okay, stop it, Santana. That's my girlfriend. I think you should leave," he said, offended.

"Fine. Then maybe I'll tell her. I mean, if you two broke up, we'd be free to see each other, right?" proposed Santana.

"Hey," said Rachel, walking in to room, "what are you guys doing?" she asked.

"Nothing," said Santana. "I was just leaving"

There was a silence that was almost awkward, before Rachel filled it.

"Aren't you gonna tell me how pretty I look?" she asked.

Finn stared at her. "You look amazing," he said.

"What?" asked Rachel.

"I…I just really love you," said Finn.

"I really love you too…" replied Rachel.

* * *

><p>The wedding was about to begin. The band started to play.<p>

Finn took the opening line, as he danced down the aisle.

/It's a beautiful night,  
>We're looking for something dumb to do.<br>Hey, baby!  
>I think I wanna marry you.

He turned, and Rachel walked in to room.

\Is it the look in your eyes,  
>Or is it this dancing juice?<br>Who cares, baby,  
>I think I wanna marry you\<p>

Kurt waltzed in with Sam. Sam had practically begged the brunette all week to sing with him, and since Sam was the one who fought the hardest against Karofsky, Kurt said yes.

/Well, I know this little chapel  
>On the boulevard we can go<br>No one will know;/

Sam responded in kind

\Come on, boy!\

Kurt blinked at the change of lyrics, but the two continued to dance around the aisle and sing.

/Who cares if we're trashed?  
>Got a pocket full of cash

|We can blow!  
>Shots of Patron;|<p>

\And it's on, boy!\

Quinn and Mercedes joined in their little four-square dance, before the four ran up to the dais.

Brittney wheeled Artie in waving streamers around. They did a little streamer show as they sang in unison.

|Don't say no, no, no, no, no;  
>Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah<br>And we'll go, go, go, go, go,|

Santana and Britt stayed behind waving streamers while Puck wheeled Artie off singing his line;

/If you're ready  
>Like I'm ready!

The whole group sang in harmony as Tina and Mike ran down the aisle.

|Cause it's a beautiful night,  
>We're looking for something dumb to do.<br>Hey, baby!  
>I think I wanna marry you|<p>

|Is it the look in your eyes?  
>Or is it this dancing juice?<br>Who cares, baby!  
>I think I wanna marry you.|<p>

The group began to sing the next lines and Burt walked in.

|Just say 'I doooo!'|

Artie sang.

/Tell me right now, baby,  
>Tell me right now, Baby, baby

|Cause it's a beautiful night,  
>We're looking for something dumb to do.<br>Hey, baby,  
>I think I wanna marry you|<p>

|Is it the look in your eyes?  
>Or is it this dancing juice?<br>Who cares, baby!  
>I think I wanna marry you.|<p>

Burt and Carole stood, in front of their friends and families.

"Please, be seated," said the Reverend, and the church sat.

"We usually start with a prayer, but a certain young wedding planner, who shall remain nameless," at which point everyone glanced at Kurt, "was afraid that some in attendance might fall asleep. So, instead, I'm going to let Burt and Carole tell you in their own words why they've invited you here today," said the Reverend.

"I'm not really known for having a way with words. Uh…you know, when you're a kid, adults will tell you a lot of things. But the one thing they neglect to mention is how…sad life can be," said Burt.

"I lost somebody I loved very much. But Kurt—he lost his mom. And that killed me," said Burt.

Carole looked like she wanted to cry.

"Well, we got by, but looking back? I want to apologize to you, Kurt. What we were living just…wasn't living…" drifted off the oldest Hummel. "You know that saying, that when God closes a door, he opens a window? Well, sometimes, out of nowhere, he'll do you one better, and he'll kick a whole wall down," said Burt.

"He grabbed me by the shoulders, and he pointed me towards this woman right here. And he said, 'There she is. Go, get her!'"

He took a breath.

"You're everything, Carole. Words can't describe you. You're everything. And I will love you, until the day I day," finished Burt.

Kurt began to cry. Where Sam was sitting, he thought he'd never seen a sight more beautiful. He wanted to stand up, take Kurt in his hand and wipe away all those tears. He wanted to be on this dais years from now with his beloved, staring into those blue and hazel depths. Sam couldn't wait until the dancing later.

"I'm lucky," started Carole. "Most women, when they get married, they get one man. I get two," she said happily. "One of you saved me from my wardrobe, and the other one just saved me," she said, as she stared into Burt's eyes.

She turned to her stepson.

"And Kurt, you are an amazing person. I'm not only getting a son, I'm getting a friend," she happily chirped.

"Finn…" she said, turning to her own son. "I know you were resistant at first, but I am so proud of you. I've watched you grow into a man," she smiled at this, clearly about to cry. "But I think I'm most proud that you've become a brother to Kurt."

At this, Finn's heart iced over. He hadn't really been that much of a brother, had he?

Kurt smiled sadly.

"We are four people, becoming a family," Carole finished eloquently.

Finn and Kurt passed up the rings.

"Okay!" said the Reverend.

"Burt, do you take Caro—"

"You bet I do!" Burt said, excitedly cutting off the Reverend. The entire congregation began to laugh.

"And do you, Carole, take this ma—"

"Oh, yes I do! Yes, I do," she said loudly, want to kiss and seal the deal. She could hardly wait.

The crowd began to applaud and cheer.

Kurt teared up, and Sam again had the urge to go comfort him

Burt and Carole kissed gently, officially marrying them.

* * *

><p>The after party was a whirling dervish of dancing and feasting. The couple of the hour danced to the sound of Mr. Schuester<p>

/When marimba rhythms start to play  
>Dance with me, make me sway

As Burt rotated and swayed in time with the music, he eyed Kurt, making sure he got it right. Kurt nodded happily.

/Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore,  
>Hold me close, sway me more

/Other dancers may be on the floor,  
>Dear, but my eyes will see only you<br>Only you have that magic technique,  
>When we sway I go weak!

Mr. Schue went back to the refrain.

/When marimba rhythms start to play,  
>Dance with me, make me sway<br>Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore,  
>Hold me close, sway me more.

Sam noticed that Kurt was singing along. Coupled with how sensual the music was, Sam knew he needed to do something tonight.

/Like a flower bending in the breeze,  
>Bend with me, sway with ease!<br>When we dance, you have a way with me,  
>Stay with me, sway with me!

The happily married couple finished their dance with a flourish and a round of applause.

"And now, I'd like to introduce one of the best men; Finn Hudson!"

Finn stood through the applause and took the mic. And a drink. Just in case.

"Hi. Uh, thank you," he began awkwardly. "Best man. Right. Uh…well, I want to propose a toast to my mom, who is so awesome. I mean…somehow, even without one in the house, you taught me what it means to be a man," said Finn, not realizing just how eloquent his words were.

"Uh, in Glee club, whenever two of us got together, we got a nickname; Rachel and I are Finchel; Rachel and Puck were Puckleberry. And today, a new union was formed," said a smiling Finn. "Furt."

The entire hall of people burst out into laughter. When it died down, Finn spoke again.

"You and me, man— we're brothers from another mother," said Finn.

Kurt wanted to die, and melt through the floor.

"And quite frankly, no one else has shown me as much as you about what it means to be a man."

The soprano swallowed heavily.

"And over the past few weeks, uh, some stuff's gone down, and, I haven't manned up like I should've. From now on? No matter what it costs me, I got your back. Okay? Even if it means getting a slushie in the face every now and then."

The crowd laughed, for they'd all been slushied at one time or another.

"You put this entire wedding together by yourself, Kurt. So as a thank you, I had the Glee club put together a little number in your honor," said Finn, "and you're gonna dance it with me, dude."

The music began, and the group of guys began to sing. But no one, absolutely no one in the room, meant the song more sincerely than Sam.

/Oh, her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they're not shining,  
>Her hair, her hair, falls perfectly without her trying,<br>She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day./

The girls stood up to provide back-up harmonies (and to dance, for that's what they liked to do).

|Oh, you know, you know,  
>you know I'd never ask you to change<br>If perfect's what your searching for then just stay the same|

/So, don't even bother asking if you look okay,  
>You know I'll say!

As he sang, Finn pulled Kurt onto the dance floor, but it was Sam who actually took him in hand and began dancing with the boy. Sam took the next chorus, even though it was technically Finn's song.

\When I see your face?  
>There's not a thing that I would change,<br>Cause you're amazing, just the way you are  
>And when you smile?<br>The whole world stops and stares for a while,  
>Cause girl, you're amazing,<br>Just the way you are.\

Sam slow danced with Kurt, and the two felt time drop away; like it was only them on the floor. Then the music picked up, and Finn grabbed Kurt for a hug.

|The way you are;  
>The way you are;<br>Girl you're amazing,  
>Just the way you are|<p>

|When I see your face,|  
>|When I see your face|<br>|There's not a thing that I would change.|  
>|Cause you're amazing…|<br>|You're amazing|  
>|Just the way you are.|<p>

After Kurt's dad and Finn had danced with Kurt, he wound up back in Sam's strong, protective arms.

|And when you smile,  
>The whole world stops and stares for a while<br>Cause girl, you're amazing,  
>Just the way you are<br>Yeah!|

* * *

><p>Sam and Kurt sat down for a moment. They'd been dancing all night.<p>

"So, Sam, what does this mean?" asked Kurt.

"Well," started Sam, "I have a song I'd like to sing in Glee tomorrow, if that helps clarify anything," said a smiling, darkish Sam.

Kurt laughed.

"Samuel Evans, you will be the death of me," he said, glad that it was just the two of them. Even without a label on it, even without calling it something special, it just felt good for Kurt to be able to spend time with Sam. The two danced a bit more before the night ended.

That evening, Kurt fell asleep to dream of nothing but his heartthrob.

* * *

><p>Jeannie played with the figurines on the top of Sue's cake innocently.<p>

Doris broke the silence.

"Well, I hope the real wedding is more exciting than the rehearsal," she commented. "You know what, Jeannie? There's nothing like spending time with my girls."

"Then why did you leave us?" asked Jeannie.

"I was busy. I was busy…keeping you safe," said Doris, "Thos Nazi's, they're nasty people. You got the illustrated copy of 'Mein Kampf' I sent you, right?" she asked.

"Yes I did, thank you," said Jeannie.

"You're welcome," replied her mother.

"Oh, what in the G.D. hell?" said Doris, when the wedding music began to play. Sue walked in slowly, wearing what had to have been an adaptation of her tracksuit.

As she arrived, she said, "That's enough," and the playing ceased.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered today to join Sue Sylvester and Sue Sylvester, in holy matrimony," said Sue. "Jeannie, give me the rings," she said sweetly.

"This is insane," cried Doris.

"Sue, do you take Sue to be your lawfully wedded spouse?" asked Sue.

She moved positions in the room.

"I do," Sue replied, and slid the ring on her right ring finger.

"And Sue, do you take Sue to be your lawfully wedded spouse?" asked Sue.

She moved positions again.

"I do," Sue replied, and slid the other ring on her left ring finger.

"Then by the power vested in my by a website, I hereby pronounce you Sue and Sue," said Sue. "You may kiss yourself," she added. As she went to do so, Doris interrupted.

"I'm sorry, but this is crazy. The whole thing is crazy! I had my heart set on singing during the ceremony. I don't want to be singing as you're walking out. I want to have a special moment with you girls!" complained Doris.

"We girls have had lost of special moments, Mother. You just weren't there," responded Sue.

"I resent that. And I also resent the fact that you are keeping me in the background at my own daughter's wedding, which, I am sorry to say I still think is bizarre!" whined the older woman.

"You know when I finally began to like who I am?" asked Sue, "When I stopped trying to please you. So Jean and I had to learn how to become our own family, and you can't just waltz in here after all this time and start calling the shots. You're a bully, Mother. It's taken till now to realize it, but you are a bully," said Sue, drawing on her experiences with Porcelain.

"I am not!" insisted Doris.

"Mother, I cannot remember a conversation with you where I didn't walk away feeling worse about myself."

"Well, you know what, Susan? I'm disappointed in you," accused the oldest Sylvester.

"I'm sorry to say this, Mother, but you are no longer invited to my wedding," finished Sue.

"What about my song?" said Doris?

"You're welcome to sing 'The Sound Of Silence', in your hotel room, right now," replied Sue.

"Alright," said Doris, sighing. On her way out, she couldn't resist one last parting shot. "And to think I was going to send you to Israel for your honeymoon. They love me there."

Doris left the room, and was finally gone from both Sue, and Jeannie's life.

"You look beautiful," commented Jeannie.

"You're beautiful," said Sue as she hugged her dear sister.

* * *

><p>Sam looked at his shiner in the mirror of his locker. There, he saw none other than a smiling Kurt to great him at the start of his day.<p>

_Now this is the life_, he thought. _A boy to greet me, great friends, member of Glee club AND I'm the quarterback? What could go wrong?_

"Hi," he said, using his best sexy voice.

Kurt merely held up a tube of…something.

"Arnica," Kurt said, "twice a day. It'll help your bruise," he said sweetly. Kurt began to walk down the hall, and, of course, Sam followed like a puppy.

"You know, what you did for me…" started Kurt, "it's made a real impact on me."

"I thought the only impact that was made was Karofsky's fist impacting my face," said Sam.

"You saw what Finn did at the wedding?" asked Kurt. "It was because you stood up.

Sam brushed the back of his head with his hand.

"It was nothing," said Sam, blushing slightly.

"Well, regardless, it did matter," said Kurt. "So…this is for you," he said quietly.

At first, Sam was confused. It wasn't until after the hall had cleared and Kurt had gone that he understood he'd been kissed on the cheek.

His victory yell was enough to make teachers come into the hall to see what was the matter.

* * *

><p>"This is absolutely unacceptable!" said Carole.<p>

"This psycho threatens my kid's life, and some school board made up of a bunch of people I've never met tells me there's nothing they could do about it?" asked Burt.

"Oh, they could do something about it. They just decided not to," clarified Sue. "No one reported witnessing him being violent, and there's no way to prove that he threatened you with violence. The school board president issued a verbal warning to Karofsky, and that's where we stand," continued the Principal.

"I can't go back to being terrified all the time. I just every time a locker slams shut; I flinch whenever I turn the corner. I don't feel safe at this school!" exclaimed Kurt.

"Kids who bully, for the most part, have been bullied themselves, and I don't flatter myself that that behavior can change. Now this kid Karofsky isn't going to all the sudden be nice to you, and I won't stand by, and I won't be able to stand by unable to do anything about it," she said, "Effective noon tomorrow, Figgins is back in charge, as I've tendered my resignation as principal in protest. I can't help you behind that desk," she said, "but I can be an extra pair of eyes out in those hallways. Someone oughta have your back. Besides, I miss my office. This room smells weird. I can't shake the feeling that I'm inhaling a lot of dead skin," finished Sue.

* * *

><p>"Well, I guess I'll try to enjoy the rest of the day, before the terror starts anew. I'll see you at home," said Kurt sadly, walking towards his class.<p>

Burt and Carole looked at each other and nodded. They knew what had to be done.

"Hey, Kurt? Wait up a second. There's something we want to talk to you about," added his Dad.

* * *

><p>The choir room was filled with activity. Paper balls flying, people chatting.<p>

Sam was nervous. Kurt hadn't texted him after last night, which was unusual.

"Okay guys, the wedding was great, but we have got to get ready for Sectionals' next week!" shouted Mr. Schuester.

Finally, Kurt walked in. Sam jumped up. "Oh, Mr. Schue! I have something I want to present," said Sam enthusiastically.

"Sure thing. Kurt! I wanted to talk to you about this amazing idea I had for a solo for you at Sectionals," said Mr. Schuester.

"Can I make an announcement first" asked a distraught looking Kurt.

"Sure," said Mr. Schue, "but hurry, Sam's got something he wants to sing.

Kurt looked in Sam's eyes. They were so beautiful; so blue. If he stared, he'd get lost, and never say what needed to be said. He turned to face the rest of the club.

"First, I wanted to thank everyone for what you did at my dad's wedding, especially Finn. It's nice to know that I have great friends here, as well as a true brother," said Kurt. He took a deep breath before continuing.

"Which…is why it's so hard for me to leave," he continued.

Mercedes looked at him, shocked.

"What do you mean, leave?" demanded Sam.

Kurt looked in to Sam's blue eyes once more, but only for a moment. He focused on Artie; someone he knew he could look at without bursting into tears.

"I'm transferring to Dalton Academy…immediately," Kurt said, the tears already running down his face.

The entire room got hushed, and everyone gasped.

"My parents are using the money they saved up for their honeymoon to pay for the tuition," Kurt explained.

Everyone had something to say.

"Kurt, you can't leave," said Tina sadly.

"What the hell, dude? How about you talk with me about this first?" asked Finn, totally outraged.

"I'm sorry, Finn, but there's nothing to talk about," he replied, his face a tear-streaked mess, "Karofsky's coming back tomorrow…so that means I won't be."

"We can protect you!" said Sam. How could this be happening?

"Seriously, we can like, form a perimeter around you, like the Secret Service," suggested Puck.

"Yeah!" agreed Finn.

"The only thing that can really protect me is what they have at Dalton: A zero tolerance, no-bullying policy. It's enforced," sobbed out Kurt.

"Um, does this mean that you're gonna be competing against us at Sectionals?" asked Rachel.

Mercedes stood, her heart heavy. "Kurt…" she said simply.

He shook his head. When he opened his eyes, all he saw was the blonde hair of Sam's, and his blue eyes looking into his. Kurt knew he needed to leave, now.

"I'm sorry…I have to go…" said Kurt, his body wracked by sobbing.

"Kurt!" shouted Sam after him, but it was of no use; the boy was gone.

Sam hung his head.

"But I was going to sing to you…" he drifted off sadly.

* * *

><p>I'm sorry for the angsty cliffhanger, but that's how the episode ended! I'm sorry guys.<p>

I stated working on this earlier today. I've slaved away literally all day, perfecting it. And it's still not done. It's okay. You guys can hash out the mistakes later ^_^.

Another chapter posted tomorrow night, but then that's probably it for the weekend; I'm working both days. T_T.

Other than that, au revoir!


	6. 02x09: Special Education

Hi all! This marks the sixth installment of my rewrites. I hope you all enjoy.

Disclaimer! (God, I'm lazy)

Dedicated to Sussiekitten and Nikkithedead.

I apologize ahead of time. After this update, I might not update over the weekend. On the plus side, this means you guys get an update now!

This chapter is smaller than the last, by about 2,000 words. Which is odd, because this episode was just as long as the last one. Oh well. XD.

As always, here's your guide. _Italics_ mark thoughts, [BRACKETS] mark flashbacks, {txt msgs} are in definite brackets, and of course, song lyrics sung by individuals are in / and \; lyrics sung by the group are inside the |absolute value| symbols.

Ready? Good. On with it!

* * *

><p>Emma Pillsbury sat quietly eating her lunch. She was going through her day in her head.<p>

_Packed everything I needed? Check. Talked to all the students I meant to this morning? Check. Covered my bases and restocked my pamphlets? Check. Turned off my curling iron? Check. No, wait, did I turn it off? _ She thought, beginning to panic. She was interrupted just in time. Will walked up and handed her a pair of tickets. She quickly read the markings on them.

"House seats to sectionals," she said, a smile gracing her face.

"Those things are hard to come by! Scalpers are getting like, five bucks for them," said Will laughing to himself.

I however, as coach of one of the competing teams, get two, and I would be honored if you would be my plus one," said Will hopefully. "I mean, you being at Sectionals is-is kind of a good luck charm for us," continued the coach.

"I would love to," responded Emma happily.

"I mean, not that we're gonna need any talismans. I have a killer set list planned. First…" said Will, but Emma cut him off.

"No, let me guess! Finn and Rachel are gonna do a ballad, right? Followed by the kids joining in with a classic rock number where Mercedes will belt out the last jaw-dropping note," said Emma critically.

"Have you been going through my desk?" asked a nervous Will.

"It's what you always do," answered Ms. Pillsbury.

"Every team tries to showcase their strongest players," said Mr. Schue, trying to justify his reasoning.

"Look, just seeing your kids do the Rocky Horror reminded me how much talent you've got in Glee club. Quinn has a beautiful voice, and Mike Chang has dance moves that are to die for," she said, continuing, "Look, I'm sure you know what you're doing; I'm not saying that. Everyone has picked you as favorites for Sectionals, you won your Sectional last year. It's just…I don't know, you guys used to be the underdogs. Now you're a real team, which is wonderful," said Ms. Pillsbury, elaborating with a metaphor. "You're a constellation of stars. I would just hate to think that you might be ignoring some of them because they don't burn quite as obviously bright."

There was a moment of silence, which was perceived as awkward by Emma, yet poignant by Will.

"I've said too much," she backpedalled quietly.

"No," he replied, "You said just enough,"

* * *

><p>As he walked into the chorus room, Rachel raised her hand to speak.<p>

"Mr. Schuester, I have an announcement. I've selected the perfect ballad for Finn and I to sing to launch our performance at Sectionals," she said haughtily.

William turned around to speak to the class. He noticed Mercedes, Quinn and Sam, all of whom were sitting closely together, an all of whom were clearly depressed.

"Me first—," he said before continuing, "—two things. First, our competition at Sectionals are your classic 'stool choirs'; great voices, but they don't move. Now, if we're gonna beat them, we need to do what they can't: dance. Which is why I've decided to feature Brittney and Mike Chang's sweet moves in our performance," finished their coach.

Everyone was thrilled, save Rachel

"Wait, they're going to dance in front of me while I sing my solo?" she asked incredulously.

"You're not getting a solo for this competition, Rachel," said Mr. Schue. It was harsh, but she needed the reality check.

"Finally! So what song do I get to sing?" asked Mercedes happily. This could pull her out of her funk!

"I was thinking that the winners of our duets competition would take the leads," suggested Mr. Schue.

Sam and Quinn were alarmed. They were going to sing together? Again?

_The last time was awkward enough!_ Thought Sam.

"Ken and Barbie?" yelled Rachel. She was livid. "Are you trying to throw this?" she asked.

"You used to be just sort of unlikable, but now I pretty much feel like punching you, every time you open your mouth!" responded Quinn. She and Sam would sing together. It was her dream to be onstage, and even if she and Sam weren't dating, it would still be fun.

"Okay, listen," said Mr. Schue quietly. "I have talked the talked the talk about everyone in here feeling special for over a year now, but, frankly, I haven't walked the walk. I mean, we have got a lot of talent here, and I'm gonna highlight it," he finished.

"Do something!" whispered Rachel to her boyfriend. He sighed.

"Look, I'm all for pumping up the team, making everyone feel special, but that's for practice. You don't take the star quarterback out before the big game," added Finn.

"Easy to say when you're the star quarterback," said Tina scathingly.

"This isn't just about me, this is about the team," replied Finn.

"You are such a hypocrite!" commented Santana.

"Like you even know what that means," responded Rachel.

"It means that your boyfriend is full of crap, hobbit," shot back the Latina.

_Oh, no_ thought Finn.

"You know what, ever since the wedding, you've been up my butt, and I'm sick of it!" shouted Rachel.

"Come on, Rachel, she's not worth it," pleaded Finn quietly, knowing full well where this argument could go.

"Oh really? 'Cause that's not what you thought last year in that motel room," said Santana to Finn. She continued. "That's right, Yentl. Your sweetheart? He's been lying to you. 'Cause he and I totally got it on last year," snarked Santana, revealing one of the darkest secrets in Glee club history.

"Okay, enough already!" yelled Mr. Schuester, trying to regain control of his class.

Everyone was shell-shocked.

"No more conversations about this, or-or anything. This is our plan for Sectionals, and that is that," he said with finality. "Mike, Brittney, come on up, let's start choreographing," he finished.

* * *

><p>Kurt got dressed for his first full day at Dalton. He missed William McKinley High School more than anything.<p>

Well, that wasn't quite true. He missed Sam more than anything.

The blonde had only sent him one text since yesterday.

{Sam}{Please don't go…}

It had nearly broken the soprano's heart, but wandering down the halls of Dalton Academy, he remembered why. No one looked at him funny. There were no voices whispering in the halls. There was no one to shove him into a locker. Kurt felt safe.

The only other time he'd felt this safe was when he huddled up with Sam's letterman jacket at night time.

* * *

><p>"And now, let's welcome the newest addition to The Warblers; Kurt Hummel," said Wes happily.<p>

The door opened, and Kurt entered joyfully. This was where he could find music.

Everyone in the room applauded, and Wes had to bang his gavel several times before the room calmed down.

"And our oldest tradition for our newest Warbler—an actual Warbler," finished the head of the group.

"Kurt, meet Pavarotti," said Blaine.

"This bird is a member of an unbroken line of canaries who have been at Dalton since 1891. It's your job to take care of him, so he can live to carry on the Warbler legacy. Protect him. That bird is your voice," charged Wes.

"Hey, I'll bring him to work with me," joked Kurt, "weekends I volunteer at a stray cat rescue. It's at the bottom of a coal mine," laughed the youngest Warbler.

No one laughed. Blaine smiled a little.

"That was a joke. I-I don't, I don't work at a coal mine," elaborated Kurt nervously.

Wes smiled, and banged his gavel. "Let the council come to order," said the head of the Warblers. "Today we discuss the set list for Sectionals."

"Council?" questioned Kurt.

"We don't have a director. Every year, we elect three upperclassmen to lead the group. But don't worry, we all get a say," explained Blaine.

Kurt was thrilled. "Oh, fantastic. I have a lot of ideas," he said quickly. "Warblers, if I may?" he asked, not allowing any time for an answer.

"Now, I can't deny that The Warblers' vocals are absolutely dreamy, but I believe our set for Sectionals this year should have a little more showbiz panache. I think we should open with 'Rio', by Duran Duran," finished Kurt excitedly, completely missing the reactions of everyone in the room.

"Uh, the council is responsible for song selection," replied David.

"But we appreciate your enthusiasm Kurt. It'll come in handy one day, when you're sitting behind this desk," consoled a smiling Wes. "Now, I propose we do our entire set at Sectionals in eight-part harmony…" continued the head of the Warblers.

Kurt felt like crying.

* * *

><p>"Just tell me if it's true," said Rachel quietly.<p>

Finn sighed.

The two were sitting in Miss Pillsbury's office, discussing Finn's not-quite-adulterous moment.

"I'm sorry," he started, "Okay? I shouldn't have lied to you. I just thought that if I told you, you'd get so mad at me, and you're kinda scary," admitted Finn.

"Don't you see how it's ten times worse now?" asked Rachel. "Why her? I mean, Quinn I'd understand, but her? Do you think she's prettier than me?"

"Don't answer that," interjected Emma.

"My dads went to couples counseling because one of them put up wallpaper in the den without asking the other, and they said it was the only thing that kept them from killing each other," replied Rachel.

"Okay," said Miss Pillsbury.

"Uh, that's why I set up this counseling session," finished Rachel quietly.

There was silence for a moment.

"You're both in Glee—why don't you sing about it? Right? Aren't there some great songs about betrayal or something? I'm pretty sure there's some Eagles songs, or something…" suggested the counselor.

There was more silence.

"Right, let's do plan B. We'll start with you, Finn," said Emma. "Why did you lie to Rachel?"

"I didn't want to hurt her," he answered.

"Then why did you do it with her?" asked the young girl.

"Why are you so caught up with who it was? It doesn't…" said Finn, before Rachel cut him off.

"Was it because she's hot?" questioned his girlfriend

"Well, yeah, she's super hot, but, um, that's…" Finn trailed off, seeing Emma shaking her head.

"As a therapist, I need to ask. Is it productive for me to slap him right now?" asked Rachel of Miss Pillsbury.

"Well, I'm not a therapist, but no," responded the ginger. "Maybe you should storm out."

"Yeah," agreed Rachel, leaving the room.

Finn sat there, hurt.

"Is there anything else you want to talk about?" asked Emma of Finn.

* * *

><p>Artie wheeled around the school, looking through every open door. He was terribly concerned. Nobody knew where Brittney was, and that worried him. He finally found her, standing in the corner of a room. He went inside.<p>

"What are you doing? We've been looking for you all day," said Artie softly.

"I'm paralyzed with fear. I've been here since second period. I really, really have to pee," she said.

"What are you afraid of? You're gonna be featured at Sectionals! You should be happy," said Artie.

"I can't handle the pressure," said Brittney as she turned around, tears streaks upon her face. "I know I'm more talented than all of you—Britney Spears taught me that. It's just, I can't have whether we win or lose on my shoulders."

"But we all know you can do it!" said Artie confidently.

"And I know that I can't," responded Brittney, "Just like I know the cricket that reads to me at night is totally stealing my jewelry."

Artie had an idea.

"It's really too bad, I…I can't give you my magic comb," he said, feigning sadness.

"What's a magic comb?" asked Brittney, finally turning around.

"You've never heard of a magic comb?" asked Artie.

"Mm-mm" said Britt, shaking her head.

"You comb your hair with it, and you can't lose," he added. "I'd give you mine, but I need it. Wait. Since you're going to dance the lead at Sectionals, you win, I win," he said cleverly.

"Please, can I have the magic comb?" she asked.

Artie pulled the comb out of his jacket. It was light blue, and well worn. He held it silently for a moment, and then gave it to Brittney. "Here."

"Artie, thank you so much. You really are the best boyfriend ever," said Brittney, kissing him on the cheek. The two held hands.

"We're going to win this thing, 'cause of you," finished Artie.

* * *

><p>Sam lay on his bed, Avatar playing in the background. He was stressed. Not only did he have the solo to practice for, he needed to find a way to get close to Kurt again. His last text had been kind of desperate. Sam brainstormed things to say. Each one he thought of he threw out; too needy, too mean, too forward, too dumb. He finally decided.<p>

{Sam}{Hey. I want you to know I miss you, and I miss talking you. Can you text me?}

Sam waited a half hour for a response, but none ever came. Sam rolled over and fell asleep, seeing as it was past 11. He didn't see the reply until the next morning.

{Kurt}{I miss you too.}

* * *

><p>"All I can say is that I didn't steal that soda machine, and if I did, I wasn't alone," said Puck quickly.<p>

"I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that, because if I did, I'd be down to ten Glee club members, which as you probably remember from the rule book is two less than what we need to compete at Sectionals," responded Mr. Schue.

"I'm not big on reading rule books," said Puck, "well, I'm not big on reading."

"Kurt's gone, and he's not coming back. We need a 12th member. Now, I always go to Rachel and Finn in these situations, but you might be the most well-known kid in this entire school," added Mr. Schue, pandering to Puck's dark side.

"Well, there's a method to my madness," replied the football player.

"I want you to use that madness to recruit a new member. Glee needs you to be its ambassador," added Will.

"More like its am-bad-ass-ador," said Puck, "but what's in it for me?"

"You love the Glee club. We get a new member and we win, you get to keep doing what you love," finished the Spanish teacher.

"You can count on me, Mr. Schue," replied Puck.

William wasn't sure if that was good or bad.

* * *

><p>Kurt was descending the spiral staircase. His worries always disappeared as he did so. It reminded him a Cinderella.<p>

"Hey, Kurt, wait up!" said Blaine, catching up with the soprano. I saw that Glee club was hard for you today, seeing your ideas shot down like that," said Blaine sympathetically.

"It's just a different energy in there. Not better or worse, just…something I'll have to get used to," said Kurt quietly. He missed McKinley.

"We recognize that, and we have a tradition at this school, and we have a tradition at this school of rewarding a student with a good attitude, so, we would like to invite you to audition for a solo," said Blaine happily.

"For Sectionals?" asked Kurt, thrilled.

"For Sectionals," replied Blaine, "sing something good!"

Kurt's heart soared.

* * *

><p>"Alright, listen up!" shouted Puck, as he walked into the locker room.<p>

"Are you gonna light your farts on fire again?" asked Azimio laughing. "'cause I'm a major fan."

"I want to talk to you guys. About Bruce Springsteen," said Puck.

"Is this going somewhere?" asked Karofsky lazily.

"Don't push my Karofsky!" threatened Puck, "You forced my boy Kurt out of here, and Juvie or no, you're already number one on my list to go all Death Star on," he continued more calmly. "Anyways, so Bruce is destined to go blue collar his whole life, but instead, he goes and buys an old Strat from a pawn shop. And he just starts wailing on it, and starts putting all the pain and the promises and the dreams into that music, and the next thing he knows, he's on the cover of 'Time' and 'Newsweek', all in the same week!" enthused Puck. The football players looked at him as though he'd grown another head and it'd begun to sing opera

"Those are magazines," he explained. Wow, Glee had taught him a lot.

"Not to seem redundant, but is this going somewhere?" asked Azimio critically.

"Glee club. It's time to join up," suggested Puck.

"Glee club? Man, why don't you come to my church on Sunday and get some of my cousins to sign up for the Klan?" said Azimio sarcastically.

The football team laughed and chattered.

"Glee club is cool," said Puck.

"Glee club is most definitely not cool," responded Karofsky.

"Clearly we need to reinstate the 10:00 AM slushie," added Azimio.

"I say we make an example of him," suggested Karofsky, licking his lips like a predatory carnivore.

"I say you're right," whispered Azimio, cracking his knuckles. "GET HIM!"

The football team charged, and began to beat up the teenager.

"Ah! Not the face, not the face!" he said, going down.

* * *

><p>"Where's Puck? I haven't seen him since yesterday, and I need him to get me a churro," complained Santana.<p>

Mr. Schuester listened intently, his back turned.

"My guess is he'd rather quit Glee club than lose Sectionals, and I can't blame. Our set's gonna be real light on Mercedes," said Mercedes, her voice full of sass.

"I'm telling you, if the Warblers win Sectionals, it's only because we gave them Kurt. We should not clap," added Tina.

Will could feel a headache coming on.

"If we lose, we should throw possums," interjected Brittney, having one of her brighter moments.

Rachel walked in, her mouth covered in duct tape. Mr. Schue saw her. He sighed.

"Rachel, what are you doing?" he asked, turning to finally face his Glee club.

She gently removed the tape.

"I'm not doing anything. You've silenced my talents, I'm merely protesting," she finished quietly. She continued. "My talents are wasted in this club. My star shines too bright, and I think you're threatened by it."

Mr. Schuester was livid.

"Take that off!" he yelled, slamming his sheet music on the piano. He began to walk towards her angrily. "I'm tired of this, Rachel. You have a terrible attitude, you're a lousy sport, and it is not okay anymore."

"Well I'm upset! I'm furious about this!" she shouted in response. "About a couple of things, actually," she looked at Finn for this.

"Well I'm sorry you're disappointed. But you know, you could also make the choice to be happy—that you're a part of a Glee club that's bursting at the seams with talent," he said. He'd been meaning to give this lecture for a while. "There's an awful lot of 'me' talk going around; 'What's in it for me? What solo am I gonna sing?' Now when we go to Sectionals, we're gonna be good sports. We'll cheer on the Hipsters, and we'll cheer on Kurt and the Warblers. And if they win, we will congratulate them. Because that's who we are." Mr. Schue was finished. He thought he'd done a good job.

There was silence for a moment, but as always in Glee club, the moment was fleeting.

"Dude, where have you been?" asked Artie as Puck came into the room. On his arm was a girl, slightly heavy set, with a red hat and purple clothing.

"I found him in a Porta Potty," she answered for the boy.

[FLASHBACK]  
><em>I was trying to find Kurt's replacement for Sectionals<em>

The football jocks locked it, and tipped it over.

_I was trapped in that Porta Potty for 24 hours_Puck explained miserably.

"Buddha, Allah, Satan, help me!" he screamed, unable to get out.

But ultimately, it was one Lauren Zizes who found him, and opened the door.

"Are you an angel?" he asked innocently.

"Screw you," said Lauren coolly. After a moment of thought, she gave him a hand and helped him up.

_So I asked her if she wanted to join_ narrated Puck.

"Here are my conditions: a carton of Cadbury Eggs, good luck finding them, they're not in season, AND I want seven minutes in heaven…with you," she finished.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"I have to say, she kinda rocked my world," said Puck.

Zizes smirked.

The Glee club looked on, their expressions all amalgams of horror and disgust.

"Okay, guys, um, well, looks like we're back in business!" said Mr. Schue changing the subject (something everyone in the room was secretly grateful for). "Let's all welcome our newest member, Miss Lauren Zizes!"

Everyone clapped. Not as enthusiastically as normal, but still a clap. Lauren curtsied.

Sam thought she didn't do it as well as Kurt did.

"Puck, nice work," said Mr. Schuester, offering his hand to shake. "We owe you one."

_You have no idea_…thought Noah.

* * *

><p>Finn slammed his locker shut as Santana walked by, blowing him a kiss. She encountered Rachel watching the whole thing.<p>

"Did I tell you he bought me dinner after?" asked Santana heartlessly, and walked away.

Rachel leaned sadly against the wall. Noah Puckerman walked by shortly after.

"Are you okay?" he asked tenderly.

"Why are you talking to me? Are you gonna steal something from me?" she asked, showing her new complex.

"Look, after six hours in that Port-o-John, Ozzy himself would have turned to God. I prayed. I promised him that if he got me out of there, I'd start being nicer to people. Then I realized there was no way I could do that, so I changed it to just Jews," said Puck, being remarkably candid.

"It's Finn," replied Rachel.

"Boyfriend troubles? I got that covered. Considering I'm usually the cause of them, I'd say I'm an expert. Walk with me," Puck said, taking Rachel's arm.

The two walked but a few feet.

"Have you been working out? Your arms seem bigger," commented Rachel.

"It's the steroids," responded Puck.

Rachel wasn't sure if he was joking or not.

* * *

><p>"We have a big problem," said Tina quietly. Artie turned to face her.<p>

"Is the problem your outfit? Because you look like a Cheerleader Zombie Corpse," replied Artie jokingly.

"I have no choice. Mike Chang likes cheerleaders. You of all people should know. He's having an affair with Brittney," finished Tina

"What? You crazy!" said Artie.

"You haven't noticed her ignoring you lately?" asked Tina.

"Not really, it's shark week," replied Artie.

"They're inseparable," said the Asian girl.

"They're doing a number together at Sectionals. They've been rehearsing," justified the geek.

"Really? Just rehearsing?" asked Tina, before pounding out the facts. "Exhibit A. I kissed him, and it tasted like Lip Smackers. You know who wears Lip Smackers? Brittney."

"And she doesn't mind sharing. I love borrowing her Lip Smackers, it's like candy for your lips," responded Artie.

"Don't be naïve, Artie. She's a cheerleader, he's a football player. You and I never had a chance at either of them," finished Tina, ending the conversation by walking away.

* * *

><p>Rachel plunked out a few notes on the piano onstage, hiding in the auditorium, thoroughly depressed. Kurt entered.<p>

"Hey, Rachel. I've been looking for you," he said cheerfully.

"Yeah, well don't bother Spying on me to get a leg up, because the only solos that I'm getting for Sectionals are in my mind," complained the Prima Dona.

"Actually, I was hoping you could help me. I've been sitting in my car for over an hour waiting for Karofsky to make a Mickey D's run. I've been invited to audition for a solo," said Kurt happily.

"Why should I help you? I mean, you're our competition now," stated Rachel.

"Because even though we hate each other, we've had our moments, and I could use your expertise. And no one knows how to kill a ballad quite like you. You are as brilliant and talented as you are irritating," said Kurt, pandering to her vanity.

"Considering that this might be my only chance to sing for a little while, I'll give you a couple of tips," she responded, glad that someone at least took note of her brilliance. "So, what did you, uh, have in mind?" she asked.

"I've settled on Celine Dion's classic, "My Heart Will Go On," said Kurt, thrilled with his song choice.

"No. No, no, no," said Rachel quickly.

"No?" asked a perplexed Kurt.

"Listen, you need something much more personal than that. I mean, this is about you," she said, encouraging a better song choice, "Do you ever fantasize about your own funeral?" she asked.

"I do," replied Rachel, "Finn, throwing himself into the grave out of grief, and all of the heartfelt speeches and the regrets…"

"That's insane," interjected Kurt.

"Clearly no one in the Glee club appreciates me. Is it so wrong for me to fantasize about them finally realizing how amazing I am, but it being too late? And there's only one song that expresses those feelings. I am sure that it's in here somewhere…" said Rachel, looking through the stereo.

The music began, and Rachel started to sing.

/It won't be easy;  
>You'll think it strange,<br>When I try to explain how I feel,  
>That I still need your love,<br>After all that I've done.  
>You won't believe me,<br>All you will see is the girl you once know.  
>Although she's dressed up to the nines,<br>At sixes and sevens with you.  
>I had to let it happen, I had to change…

Kurt took over, singing for the Warblers.

\Couldn't stay all my life down at heel,  
>Looking out of the window;<br>Staying out of the sun.  
>So I chose freedom—<br>Running around, trying everything new…\

Rachel took over, back at McKinley.

/But nothing impressed me  
>At all; I never expected it to

\Don't cry for me, Argentina,  
>The truth is I never left you…\<p>

/All through my wild days,  
>My mad existence,<br>I kept my promise…/

\Don't keep your distance.  
>Don't cry for me, Argentina;\<p>

/The truth is, I never left you  
>All through my wild days,

\My mad existence,\

/I kept my promise/

\Don't keep your distance…\

/Have I said too much?/

\There's nothing more I can  
>Think of to say to you.<br>But all you have to do\

/Is look at me to know…/

The two came together in unison.

|That every word is true…|

The Warblers were impressed.

* * *

><p>Kurt sat alone with two other Warblers outside the audition room<p>

"So how many times have you auditioned?" asked Kurt, attempting to be polite.

"Three," responded one boy.

"Six," added the other.

Kurt simply whistled.

Blaine opened the door.

"Hey guys. Nick, Jeff, congrats, you're moving on," said Blaine.

Kurt sat quietly, until the two moved on.

"Any sage advice?" asked the soprano.

"Don't try so hard next time," said Blaine.

"I didn't realize that caring was frowned upon," said Kurt sarcastically.

"I don't know how it worked at your old school, but did you notice that we all wear uniforms around here? It's about being part of the team," said Blain encouragingly.

"I guess I'm just so used to having to scream to get noticed," snarked Kurt.

"You're not gonna make it as a Warbler if all you care about is getting noticed," responded Blaine.

"You're right. I'm sorry," responded Kurt.

"I know it's going to take some getting used to, but you'll fit in soon enough. I promise," said the upperclassman.

Kurt smiled a sad, broken smile.

_Yeah, right_.

* * *

><p>Back at McKinley, things were going pretty much the same. Artie wheeled up to his girlfriend.<p>

"How's the number for Sectionals coming?" asked Artie.

"Hi," said Brittney, caught off guard, "Um, yeah, it's good."

"Wait, do you maybe want to see a movie tonight?" asked Artie, hoping to God he was wrong.

"Um, I can't, I have rehearsal with Mike," the Cheerio replied.

"Well, how about a latte tomorrow morning?" said Artie desperately.

"Artie, I can't, and I can't talk right now either," she added as a forewarning. She couldn't let him know! "I have to go rehearse. I'm really, really sorry."

She left Artie, heartbroken in his wheelchair.

* * *

><p>Sam sent another text message to his friend. They'd been talking a little, but not nearly as much as they had before.<p>

{Sam}{Hey, good luck tonight. I know you'll do great =P}

Kurt replied quickly.

{Kurt}{Thanks. You too. I'll see you there.}

Sam smiled, for the first time in a long time.

* * *

><p>Artie was being loaded onto the bus to go to Sectionals. The rest of the Glee kids were getting onboard.<p>

Mr. Schue walked past them all, and saw Emma Pillsbury.

"Hey," she said, noticing something wasn't right. "Something wrong?" she asked.

"I'm beginning to think my new directions for the New Directions was a terrible idea," he said.

"Oh, no," responded Emma.

"We're off to Sectionals, and I have—I've never seen the kids so out of sync. You look great, though," he said charmingly. Even stressed as he was, he would always make a moment for Emma.

"Ready to go?" he asked.

"I can't," she said sadly.

"Why?" asked Will, perplexed.

She paused for a moment.

"I didn't tell Carl I was going with you. Ever since Rocky Horror, he's had some issues with you, you know, with us spending time together, and, um, actually, it was counseling Finn and Rachel that made me realize that sometimes the withholding of the truth can make someone feel as bad as lying. So I told him the truth last night, and we had a big fight. Then we made up, and…then he told me that he loved me…" she explained quietly, "and then I told him that I love him back."

Will's heart was torn in two.

"Well," he began, "we're going to miss our good luck charm."

The two stared at each other for a moment.

"Mr. Schuester?" called Rachel from the door of the bus, "Not that I really care, but if we don't leave now, we're going to miss the competition."

Will turned back to Emma.

"Good luck," she said.

"Thanks," he said.

She kissed his cheek.

They turned away, and walked away from each other, like two ships, having just passed in the night.

* * *

><p>Kurt walked onto the scene of Rachel screaming at one of the officials for Sectionals.<p>

"Then go down to the 7-11 and get me some! I need Raisinets!" she yelled.

"Carb loading?" asked Kurt critically.

"Puck got Lauren Zizes to take your place, and she won't go on unless she gets her damn candy!" exclaimed Rachel. Kurt looked confused at the choice of person. "She's a warm body. Hey, did you, uh, get your solo?" asked Rachel.

"Sadly, no," replied the soprano.

"Oh, wow. If you didn't get the solo, then they must be really good…we are doomed!" said Rachel. "Sorry, that was really selfish. What I meant to say was, 'Wow, that really sucks. I'm sure you were good.'"

"I was—I mean, I think I was," Kurt responded. "Being in the Warblers has really made me question everything I thought about myself."

Rachel sighed.

"What has become of us, Kurt?" she asked sadly. Kurt teared up. "So, do you miss us?" she asked.

"I do. Being a Warbler is great, but I don't think they appreciate my individuality as much as you guys did, and I can't help but think that I let you guys down," he answered.

"It's your life, Kurt, and you weren't safe at McKinley anymore, and we all get it," said Rachel supportively.

"How come you were never this nice to me when I was your teammate?" asked Kurt.

"Because you were my only real competition," she answered, laughing.

"That's true," said Kurt with a giggle.

The two hugged. They missed each other deeply.

"So how's Finn? I feel bad. I haven't spoken to him since the wedding?" asked Kurt.

"I haven't really talked to him much either. I found out that he and Santana were romantically involved, and he lied to me about it," said Rachel.

"Wait, you didn't know about that?" asked Kurt innocently, not knowing the damage he would cause.

"Kurt, they're calling places," said Blaine, as he walked up to the boy soprano.

"Thanks again, Rachel," said Kurt happily, as he left.

Rachel thought she might explode with fury.

* * *

><p>As Kurt went backstage to go join with the rest of his team, he felt someone pull on his shoulder. He turned to see who it was, and saw blonde hair and blue eyes.<p>

"Sam!" he exclaimed, happy to see the jock.

"Kurt," said Sam, smiling happily. They could hear the hipsters beginning their performance.

/Every generation blames the one before…/

"What are you doing back here?" asked the soprano

/And all of their frustrations come beating on your door…/

"Looking for you…" said the blonde. The two stared at each other for a moment.

/I know that I'm a prisoner to all my father held so dear;/

"Listen, Kurt, I needed to know this when I'm singing…" said Sam softly.

/I know that I'm a hostage to all his hoped and fears…/

"Yeah?" asked Kurt, drawing closer to hear him. At least, that's what he told himself.

/I just wish I could have told him, in the living years./

Sam hugged him, and whispered in his ear. "I'm singing to you. Not to Quinn, not to the crowd—to you,"

Kurt blushed.

The chorus began to sing, and the noise was almost deafening.

|Say it loud! Say it clear!  
>You can listen, as well as you hear.|<p>

A woman sang gospel-style. Blaine came and forcibly grabbed Kurt from the embrace, hauling him back to his choir. Sam and Kurt looked into each other's eyes, both desperate for more time together.

\You gotta realize it's true, come on, come on!\

|Say it loud! Say it clear!|

And that was the end of the song. Sam ran backstage, back to the front of the house, and took his seat quickly and quietly. Mr. Schue glared at him for being late.

There was silence for a moment after the performance, before the announcer for the competition, spoke.

"And now, for our second performance of the program, from Dalton Academy in Westerville, The Warblers!"

A guitar began to play, and the boys took up a capella backup notes.

Blaine started with the solo.

/Hey, hey, hey/

|Tonight!|

The Warblers used a multiple tier system of singing, turning the song into a round.

/Hey, hey/  
>|Hey, hey|<p>

/Your lipstick stains,  
>On the front lobe of<br>My left-side brain;  
>I knew I wouldn't forget you,<br>And so I went and let you blow my mind./

|Let you blow my mind!|

/Your sweet moonbeam,  
>The smell of you in every single<br>Dream I dream; I knew  
>When we collided,<br>You're the one I have decided,  
>Who's one of my kind…

|One of my kind!|

The group came together to sing harmony.

|Hey, Soul Sister,  
>Ain't that Mr. Mister<br>On the radio, stereo  
>The way you move<br>Ain't fair, you know.|

At this, Kurt looked out at the crowd, and found Sam without even trying. He looked him in the eye. Sam smiled, and encouraged Kurt to do the same

|Hey, Soul Sister  
>I don't want to miss<br>A single thing you do…tonight|

/The way you can cut a rug,  
>Watching you is the only drug I need.<br>So gangsta, I'm so thug,  
>You're the only one I'm dreamin' of, you see.<br>I can be myself now finally,  
>In fact, there's nothing I can't be.<br>I want the world to see you'll be  
>With me

/Hey, Soul Sister,  
>Ain't that Mr. Mister<br>On the radio, stereo  
>The way you move<br>Ain't fair, you know./

|Hey, Soul Sister  
>I don't want to miss<br>A single thing you do…tonight|

/Hey, hey/  
>|Hey, hey|<br>/Hey, hey/  
>|Hey, hey|<p>

|Tonight!|

Sam stood immediately to give Kurt a standing ovation. Kurt saw, and began to tear up from happiness. Before either of them knew it, the whole auditorium had stood, but to Kurt and Sam, it was only the two of them there.

Then The Warblers were forced offstage, and connection was lost.

* * *

><p>"These costumes are causing some unmentionable chafing," complained Lauren. To be fair, she was not exaggerating.<p>

"Are you okay?" Sam asked his best friend.

"No, I'm totally freaking out. Last time we performed in front of an audience, I went into labor. I think I'm having post traumatic stress disorder," said Quinn. She was definitely having at least a panic attack.

"FYI, I'm totally available to fill in," chimed Mercedes.

"Nowhere to run, from me or your lies," said Artie, confronting Brittney. "I hope the judge us on dancing and adultery, because you're aces at both of them.

"I don't understand how you found out. I am so stupid. I can't believe I did it. I've never felt more awful about anything in my life," said Brittney sadly. Artie wheeled away. Tina looked like she was about to kill.

"What's Artie all worked up about?" asked Mike

"You are such a jerk!" said Tina.

"You told Kurt?" asked Rachel, incredulous of her boyfriend.

"I don't know, maybe?" he replied.

"About Finn and Santana?" interjected Mercedes, "No, I think I told him."

"Who told you?" asked Rachel venomously.

"Me," responded Quinn. "I think Brittney told me. Or, maybe it was Puck…"

"Yup, it was me," admitted the jock.

"Everybody knew about this but me?" said Rachel, shocked at what her friends had done.

"Pretty much. Nobody tells you anything because A) you're a blabber mouth, and B), we all just pretend to like you," sniped Santana angrily.

"That's not true; I kinda like her," said Puck, frowning.

"Look, Rachel, when this all happened, you were dating another guy, so you don't really have a right be pissed at me about it, okay? And fine. I shouldn't have lied about it, but to be honest, that isn't what you care about. You care about the Santana of it all," said Finn harshly.

Santana had an expression roughly between, "Really?" and "Oh, well."

"Oh, who are you right now?" asked Rachel, standing tall upon the warpath.

"Best…green room…ever…" said Lauren, slowly eating a pretzel.

"You know what? You guys are going to have to find somebody else to mindlessly harmonize in the background, because I'm not going onstage with him," said Rachel angrily.

"Make that two subs. I'm not going out there with Brittney," said Artie, crossing his arms.

"Me either!" agreed Tina.

"ENOUGH!" shouted Mr. Schuester, loudly enough to make them all quiver. "Listen to yourselves! I'm ashamed of you! Think back to where you were this time last year. In this room. No set list, no choreography, no chance in hell of winning, but you did win. Because you did it together," said their teacher, trying to impress some sense of teamwork into them. "Look, I don't care if you guys hate each other. All I want is for you guys to go out there and sing together. Get up there, and for six minutes, remind yourselves that you're not alone," said Mr. Schuester sadly.

The lights dimmed, and a bell chimed.

"Alright. Show time!" he said.

* * *

><p>Brittney sat on stage, stretching out her legs. Artie wheeled over to her.<p>

"Just tell me why you would cheat on me," he asked, wanting to know what he could fix.

"I don't know, why would I cheat on you?" asked Brittney. "Is this like a Mad Lib or something?"

"You cheated on me with Mike," accused the wheelchair-bound boy. "You admitted it to me in the green room."

"When?" asked Brittney, all sorts of confused.

"When I was accusing you of adultery," elaborated Artie.

"What does that have to do with me cheating?" asked the blonde.

"'Adultery' means cheating," explained Artie.

"I thought it meant being stupid," responded Brittney. "Like being a dolt."

Artie's heart melted, but he was firm.

"I didn't cheat on you. I did something much worse. I lost your magic comb," she admitted, "I don't know what happened. I had it in my pocket. And then I went to motocross practice, and then when I left it, it was gone," she said sadly. "That's why I've been avoiding you; I felt so ashamed. That magic comb was our only chance of winning, the only thing keeping me from totally screwing it up. I didn't want to let you down."

Artie smiled at her.

"That wasn't a magic comb. I just found it on the floor and ran into you on the way to tossing it in the trash," said Artie.

"And you let me comb my hair with it?" asked Brittney, slightly pissed at her boyfriend.

"You don't need a magic comb. You're magic, Brittany—the way you move—I just should have told you that in the first place, and I'm sorry," finished Artie.

The two kissed lightly.

"When I'm out there dancing today, it won't be for the team, or for the crowd. It'll be for you," said Brittney romantically.

Across the stage, one Lauren Zizes was doing push-ups.

Puck walked up and saw her.

"What are you doing?" he asked curiously.

"I'm a wrestler," she responded. "This is how I get psyched up for competition.

"Listen, you don't have to be nervous," said Puck. "You saved my life. I've got your back."

"Oh, I'm not nervous. You know why?" said Lauren.

"Why?" asked a curious Puck.

"Because show choir is stupid," she said, walking away.

The announcer could be heard in the background.

"And now for our final performance of the program…from McKinley High, the New Directions!"

* * *

><p>Sam and Quinn were on the other side of the auditorium, preparing to walk through the back of the house singing.<p>

They looked at each other from their respective doors.

Quinn looked at Sam sadly.

"Go get him, tiger," she said to her friend, wishing that she and Kurt were in opposite positions.

Sam blushed, and ducked through the curtain as the music started playing.

/Now I've had the time of my life;  
>No I've never felt like this before.

Same looked around the audience, trying to find Kurt. He couldn't, so he kept singing.

/Yes, I swear, it's the truth,  
>And I owe it all to you…

He gestured to Quinn on the last note, eyes still searching for Kurt. When he found the soprano, his smile lit up like a 1000 watt light bulb. Quinn began to sing.

\'Cause I've had the time of my life,  
>And I owe it all to you.\<p>

/I've been waiting for so long,  
>And now I finally found someone<br>To stand by me./

\We saw the writing on the wall,  
>As we felt this magical fantasy.\<p>

Kurt suddenly understood what Sam had said earlier about singing to him. He blushed, and felt rather warm. Quinn and Sam sang together.

|Now with passion in our eyes,  
>there's no way could disguise it secretly<br>So we take each other's hands  
>'Cause we seem to understand the urgency|<p>

The two had sped up the whole way to the stage, and ran up the stairs.

/Just remember!/

|You're the one thing,  
>I can't get enough of<br>So I'll tell you something  
>This could be love!|<p>

The whole Glee club joined in.

|Because I've had the time of my life  
>No I never felt his way before.<br>Yes, I swear, it's the truth  
>And I owe it all to you.|<p>

The group began to sing scat and change the key.

/Now I had the time of my life,  
>No I never felt this way before

\Never felt this way.\

/Yes, I swear, it's the truth  
>And I owe it all to you!

The group joined in, and the key changed once more.

|Oh, I had the time of my life,  
>And I never felt this way before.<br>Yes, I swear, it's the truth  
>And I owe it all to you!|<p>

Mercedes echoed each line.

|Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, OH!|

As the last note played and the chords resolved, the audience stood up immediately and gave a standing ovation, but none stood up before Kurt, clapping like a madman.

All the sudden, another piece of music began.

Santana started off the piece.

/Well sometimes I go out by myself,  
>And I look across the water.<br>And I think of all the things, what you're doing  
>and in my head I paint a picture

/'Cos since I've come on home, well my body's been a mess  
>And I've missed your ginger hair and the way you like to dress<br>Won't you come on over, stop making a fool out of me  
>Why won't you come on over Valerie, Valerie?

The two dancers, Mike and Brittney, truly outdid themselves when it came to the choreography. The audience was cheering and applauding, and they hadn't even finished the song.

/Well sometimes I go out by myself,  
>And I look across the water.<br>And I think of all the things, what you're doing  
>and in my head I paint a picture

/'Cos since I've come on home, well my body's been a mess  
>And I've missed your ginger hair and the way you like to dress<br>Won't you come on over, stop making a fool out of me  
>Why won't you come on over Valerie, Valerie?

The song ended, and the audience exploded. It was clear that they'd enjoyed the New Directions piece.

* * *

><p>"And now, this year's head judge, Associate Director of the Ohio Department of Motor Vehicles, Mr. Pete Sosnowski!" said the announcer.<p>

Kurt looked over at the New Directions and caught Sam's eye. Sam winked at his crush. Kurt blushed crimson, and waved back.

"Thank you," said the judge, clearing his throat. "and thank you to all the groups who performed here today. We all had a serious good time. You know what else is a serious good time? Taking two minutes to save a life by filling out an organ donor card. Because it's never too late to donate! Drum roll please," he said, clearing his throat again. "In third place…The Hipsters!"

Everyone applauded. This was not a surprise to anyone. A woman took the trophy, and the old people walked off stage.

"And now, the winner of this year's West-Central Sectional is…" said the man, pausing for a moment.

Kurt closed his eyes.

Puck prayed.

Mercedes held her breath.

Brittney looked confused.

Finally, he spoke.

"It's a tie. Congratulations! You're all going to the Regionals!"

Everyone flipped out. There was chaos, it was so happy.

Kurt opened his eyes and jumped up and down.

Puck shouted.

Mercedes let out her breath.

Brittney still looked confused.

"We did it! We get to go on!" said Finn, after a slightly awkward hug from Rachel.

"Yeah," she responded, not quite meeting his eyes.

Simultaneously, Sam walked over to Kurt and hugged him.

"We did it," whispered Sam into Kurt's ear.

He pulled back and looked into Kurt's eyes, putting a hand behind his neck.

The two drew closer together. They both closed their eyes, and leaned in, only to kiss…a hand?

They both opened their eyes. Blaine stood there, hand in between them, fire in his eyes.

"No," he said, "your little stunt backstage almost cost us. As punishment, the Warblers have decided that we're leaving. Now," he said with finality, grabbing Kurt and walking away with him.

Sam tried to follow, but Mr. Schue yelled for him to get off the stage and back on the bus.

The blonde could do nothing but look after Kurt sadly.

* * *

><p>"Hey!" said Will, placing the trophy on Emma's desk.<p>

"Hi," she said, clearing her throat.

"You okay?" asked Will.

"Is that it? Is that your trophy?" asked Emma excitedly.

"Yeah, this is it!" answered Mr. Schuester.

"Wow!" said Miss. Pillsbury.

"We won!" exclaimed Will.

"I know, I heard. It's exciting. Congratulations," said Emma happily. "I wanted to call you, but I…uh…"

"Emma, it's cool," said Mr. Schue, interrupting the inevitable nervous breakdown that would happen if she continued.

"I guess you didn't need your good luck charm after all," she said quietly.

"You were missed," countered Will.

There was a silence.

"I think I need to tell you about my weekend," said Emma, as firmly as possible.

"I think I'd rather not hear all the details," laughed Will.

"Carl took me to Vegas…" she began.

"Why are you telling me this?" asked Mr. Schue.

She held up her left hand.

Will was struck dumb

"Is…is that an engagement ring?" he asked after a moment.

There was another pause of silence.

"It's a wedding ring, actually," she said.

Emma was smiling; how could she not.

William was crushed. His heart ached, and it felt as though shards of ice had invaded his soul, so he could never feel warm again.

"Emma, I…" he drifted off, unable to speak. There were tears in his eyes.

"I…I'm happy for you," he said slowly.

"Will, I…" she tried to speak, by he cut her off.

"Let's just…leave it at that, hm?" he suggested, his face happy, only his eyes betraying his expression.

He left her office with the trophy. Emma felt a part of herself break, too.

* * *

><p>Finn and Rachel descended the staircase to the ground floor together.<p>

"When we first started Glee club, I told Mr. Schuester that being a part of something special makes you special, and, I don't know, I just…I think I lost that somewhere along the way. But…winning that way at Sectionals, it really reminded me of it," said Rachel quietly. Finn pulled them off to the side, smiling.

"Are we a part of something special—you and me?" asked Finn.

Rachel looked down for a moment, before looking back into his eyes.

"Yes," she answered.

There was a moment of connection between them.

"I love you," said Finn.

Rachel hugged him.

"No more lying. Ever," said Finn.

"There's, um…something that I-I need to tell you," admitted Rachel.

She pulled him into a quieter corridor. He looked confused.

"Last week, when…when we were fighting, I was…I was so mad at you, and I was…I was so hurt that I wanted to make you feel as bad as I felt," said Rachel.

Finn was scared. He stared at Rachel intently.

[FLASHBACK]  
>Rachel and Puck were making out in Rachel's room.<p>

The two broke apart for a moment.

"Is something wrong? Did I bite you again?" she asked, concerned. Puck sighed.

I did this to Finn once before. I-I can't do it again. I'm sorry. I have to go," he replied.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"I'm so, so sorry, and-and it will never, ever happen again," said Rachel sadly. Finn shut his eyes, and opened them, his face contorted in an actual expression of pain.

"I knew you were a lot of things, Rachel. And I loved you because and in spite of all of them, but…I never thought you were mean," he responded. He was hurt. He was livid.

"I'm saying that I'm sorry, and doesn't what you did with Santana kind of cancel this out?" she asked.

"We weren't together. I didn't cheat on you. How could you do this to me?" asked Finn loudly, letting out his anger and pain.

"It was a mistake!" said Rachel. "Well, maybe we should go to another counseling session with Miss Pillsbur—"

"Can't have couple's counseling if you're not a couple," said Finn coldly, cutting her off. He turned to walk away.

"You're breaking up with me?" she asked, tearing up.

"What you did was really bad, Rachel. And you knew how sensitive I'd be about this after what happened with Quinn," he said, turning away.

"You said you'd never break up with me," yelled Rachel.

"I never thought you'd make me feel like this," replied Finn, despondent. He left.

Rachel could do nothing but sob, falling apart in the middle of the hallway.

* * *

><p>Back at Dalton, Kurt was freaking out.<p>

"I got your text. What's wrong?" asked Blaine as he entered the room.

"It's Pavarotti. I think he's sick. I've been taking good care of him, but he-he won't sing, and-and he's losing his feathers," quickly spat out Kurt, listing the symptoms he could think of.

Blaine took one look and smiled.

"He's just molting," he explained. "He's growing a new coat of feathers, so his body has to shut down a little while. But don't worry about it. He's got food, water, he seems to like his cage. Just give it a little while. He'll be singing again in no time."

Kurt smiled. At least the bird was okay.

"Don't forget. Warbler practice tonight at 5:00. Regionals, here we come!" said an excited Blaine. He walked out.

Kurt smiled again, and checked his phone. He'd gotten a text from Sam.

{Sam}{Hey kiddo. You okay with what happened at Sectionals?}

Kurt grinned, and decided to be a little flirtatious.

{Kurt}{Except for Blaine stopping you, yes}

He got a rather quick reply.

{Sam}{I know. I was going to punch him in the face, but I realized you might get kicked off the Warblers}

Kurt laughed.

{Kurt}{Probably. Don't worry. He's just a friend.}

{Sam}{Good. I'd have to kill him if he wasn't.}

Kurt drew in a sharp, quick breath.

{Kurt}{Samuel Evans, are you jealous?}

This response took longer. Kurt laughed when he read it, though.

{Sam}{…No…not at all…}

Kurt laughed, and walked over to his bed.

{Kurt}{Good night, Sam. I'm gonna take a nap before practice. Ttyl.}

The soprano had fallen asleep when he got his next text back.

{Sam}{Sweet dreams…}

* * *

><p>"You changed your look!" commented Mike as he and Tina walked into the choir room.<p>

"Yeah, this is more me," she admitted. "I'm sorry I doubted you, Mike."

"Asian kiss?" he suggested.

"Asian kiss," she replied, and so they did.

"Congratulations, guys!" said Mr. Schue to the applause of the Glee club. "It wasn't pretty, but we're moving on. "You got that?"' he asked as he handed the trophy to Artie. "And I, for one, am happy to have Regionals and Nationals to focus on."

"Mr. Schue, we heard the news about Miss Pillsbury marrying the finest dentist alive," apologized Santana. Well, more of a half-apology, half-snark, but it was the best thing she could do.

"It's alright. We don't need to talk about it," he responded.

"Now, I know we've had out, um…our dramas this week, but our family's back in a happy place, and I think we should celebrate the best way we know how. Rachel…so how would you like to solo?" asked Mr. Schue.

"Thanks, but, um, I don't really feel like a solo right now. I-I'd like to defer to this week's two unsung heroes, Mercedes and Tina," she said kindly, offering the solo to her friends.

"Well, you don't have to ask me twice," said Mercedes.

* * *

><p>They migrated to the auditorium, and Tina began to sing.<p>

/Happiness hit her like a train on a track,/

\Coming towards her, stuck, still no turning back.\

/She hid around corners, and she hid under beds./

\She killed it with kissed, and from it she fled.\

/The dog days are over, the dog days are done;  
>The horses are coming, so you better run!

The whole group joined in.

|Run fast for your mother,  
>Run fast for your father,<br>Run for your children,  
>For your sisters and your brothers!<br>Leave all your love, and your loving behind|

Mercedes and Tina sang the next line together alone.

|You can't carry it with you if you wanna survive|

Everyone joined back in.

|The dog days are over!|  
>|The dog days are done!|<br>|Can you hear the horses,  
>'Cause here they come!|<p>

The song stopped for a moment. Tina took the solo.

/And I never wanted  
>Anything from you,<br>Except everything you had,  
>And what was left after that too.

\Run fast for your mother,  
>Run fast for your father!<br>Run for your children,  
>For your sisters and your brothers!\<p>

|Leave all your love and your loving behind,  
>you can't carry it with you if you want to survive!|<p>

|The dog days are over!|  
>|The dog days are done!|<br>|Can't you hear the horses?  
>'Cause here they come!|<p>

|The dog days are over!  
>The dog days are done!|<p>

|Here they come!|

The group hugged.

Kurt, back at Dalton, thought of Sam.

Puck laughed at the music and the energy.

Mercedes smiled; she loved that song.

And Brittney, as always, was confused.

* * *

><p>That's it for the weekend guys! I'm closing up shop for a couple days! Don't hope for an update over the weekend. If there is one, consider it a wonderful surprise, and take it for what it's worth.<p>

My hands hurt…XD

Thanks for reading, and for all the support. Just remember; credit the writers of the script, not me. They did most of the work.

If you loved it, please leave a review.


	7. 02x10: A Very Glee Christmas

Okay, guys…I pulled an all-nighter to get this one done on time, so you better enjoy, dammit! XD. No, just kidding. I enjoyed it.

I'm going to repost my disclaimer, just because. Much of what I'm typing, I do not own. I'm simply modifying the script for my own personal enjoyment as I see fit. I make no money, and I only authorize this to be posted on FFnet. If it is found anywhere else, please notify me.

This fic is dedicated to both Sussiekitten and Nikkithedead. Special thanks to Truetest and eb012203.

A guide, as always: _Italics_ indicate thought, [FLASHBACKS] are contained within brackets, {txt msgs} can be found within definite brackets, back and forward slashes ( / and \ ) indicate single singers, whereas |the absolute value signs| indicate group vocalizations.

All set? All good? Then let us embark.

On with it!

* * *

><p>As the bell rang, Mr. Schuester read his paper and ate his lunch, quietly and alone.<p>

This was, of course, interrupted.

"Hey, Will," said Emma Pillsbury as she walked into the teacher's lounge.

"Oh, hey," replied Will, barely looking up from his food. Her face tightened. Somewhere inside of her, something felt wrong. And so, she sat.

"Are we okay?" she asked, Will looked up from his food. "You know, we haven't really talked since I told you about me and Carl. I mean, we haven't talked at all. Are you avoiding me?"

"Not at all," responded Mr. Schuester calmly. He wasn't lying, but something was still off; she knew it! She looked at him again, trying to feel him out. She decided to change tactics.

"So, what are you doing for Christmas this year?" she asked.

"Just a little quiet time alone this year," he said.

"Will, you can't spend Christmas b yourself; that's horrible," Emma replied. She was right, as she usually was. "Look, um, Carl and I are having a big Christmas Eve party. Please, at least stop by."

"Well thanks, Emma, that's very sweet of you guys, but…I...I think it's best if we just keep things separate for a while," he said, voice ridden with pain.

"Yeah, okay," she said. What else could she do?

"Okay, educators, gather around; it's time to pick your Secret Santa!" said Coach Beiste as she entered the room. "Everybody's name is in the tub. You get who you get, and you don't get upset, all right?"

As the teachers and staff grabbed their slips, Will snuck in to retrieve his. He pulled one out, and opened it.

There, staring at him was a name he dreaded to hear or think about.

Sue.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Brittney and Artie were cheerfully decorating his locker.<p>

"There," she said, adding the finishing touches. "Last year, I left my stocking up over Christmas vacation, and an entire family of mice started living in it. Their Christmas gift to each other was rabies."

Artie deftly avoided commenting, and moved the conversation in a different direction.

"I told my parents that I only want one thing for Christmas this year—stop friend requesting me on Facebook," he said.

"What are you asking Santa for?" asked Brittney innocently.

He looked up into her smiling face. "I'm sorry?" he asked.

"Artie…the roads to the North Pole are getting treacherous. You need to write your letter to Santa really fast, and get it in the mail today," she replied, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "And remember, even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf."

As she walked away, she left Artie in disbelief.

"No way…" he thought aloud.

* * *

><p>Inside the choir room, the Glee club was having a world of fun decorating their Christmas tree. Even though the school administration's official policy was that the holidays were not to be celebrated during academic hours, the kids didn't care. Well, for the most part. Rachel and Puck sort of cared. Well, actually, Rachel cared. Puck didn't really, but went along with it to back up his Jew. Mostly.<p>

For the rest of the kids, it was wonderful, and Brittney was in heaven. For her, Christmas was, quite literally, the most wonderful time of the year.

While they were decorating the tree, someone (though afterwards no one could remember who) began to hum, and after a while the tune caught on. As they hung ornaments with care, the group began to sing, as they were wont to do. The girls started off.

|We're on the island of misfit toys  
>Here we don't want to stay|<p>

The boys took over for a sing line.

|We want to travel with Santa Claus|

The girls joined in.

|In his magic sleigh|

Artie started the verse.

/A pack full of toys  
>Means a sack full of joys*<br>For millions of girls  
>And for millions of boys

|When Christmas day is here  
>The most wonderful day of the year!|<p>

Sam took over the next line, as he wrapped a present. He thought about the one he still needed to get for Kurt.

\A jack-in-the-box  
>Waits for children to shout\<p>

Quinn stole his next line, wrapping her own gift.

/'Wake up! Don't you know  
>That it's time to come out?'

|When Christmas day is here  
>The most wonderful day of the year!|<p>

Mike grabbed Brittney, and the two proceeded to gaily waltz about the room in ¾ time

|Toys galore, scattered on the floor!  
>There's no room for more<br>And it's all because of Santa Claus|

Sammy sang the next line, followed by Quinn.

/A scooter for Jimmy/  
>\A dolly for Sue\<br>/One that will even say…/

Britt couldn't resist herself.

\'How do you do?'\

|When Christmas day is here,  
>The most wonderful day of the year!|<p>

Brittney couldn't resist herself. She wheeled around Artie, and whispered in his ear.

"How would you like to be a spotted elephant?"

He responded in kind.

"Or a choo-choo with square wheels on your caboose?"

Quinn turned to her best friend jokingly, and spoke.

"Or a water pistol that shoots…jelly?"

"We're all misfits!" the group exclaimed.

|If we're on the island of unwanted toys,  
>We'll miss all the fun with the girls and the boys<br>When Christmas day is here;  
>The most wonderful, wonderful, wonderful<br>Wonderful, wonderful day of the year!|

At the moment they finished the song, Mr. Schuester walked in to find a fully decorated Christmas tree adorning his choir room.

"Hey guys. What's this?" he asked curiously.

Finn was the first to answer.

"Oh, we're trying to get into the Christmas spirit, Mr. Schue. Christmas is totally my favorite holiday. And check out this awesome tree! I found it on the side of the road. It must have fell off some guy's car."

"And the ornaments?" asked their teacher, more curious than anything else.

"The guy who lives next door finally killed off his elderly mother. And when they carted him off, they left the house like, wide open, so…I think she was a holiday hoarder," said Santana, nonchalant.

"Um…" trailed off William, not sure how to react. He was afraid to ask the next question. "A-and the presents?"

"I lifted them from a display at the mall. But, don't worry. They're empty," Puck added this. He said the last part quickly, as though it justified his dubious morality.

Mr. Schuester was shocked, and not at all sure what to do. He wasn't sure he supported what his students had done.

"Guys, look, I appreciate the effort, but…this isn't what Christmas is supposed to be like," he said, trying to instill some sense of…something!

"For us, it is. This tree is like a mascot for Glee club. We won sectionals two years in a row, and according to everyone at this school, we still suck," said Mercedes. Her diagnosis of their status as members in their school was unfortunately accurate.

[FLASHBACK]  
>Mike, Tina and Mercedes were discussing Rachel's history of reasonable hideous fashion faux pas.<p>

"…this reindeer sweater last year…" said Mercedes, telling a story.

Simultaneously, three jocks came down the hall with red and green slushies in hand.

They hit their targets.

"Ho-ho-ho losers!" said Azimio loudly.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"I'm pretty sure they just added the food coloring to real slush from the parking lot," said Mike, monotone and depressed. It was clear this had affected him a great deal.

"You can eat that, you know," added Lauren Zizes.

"No. No, I am not gonna let you guys throw yourselves a pity party! Look, I'm the first one to say that things haven't turned out exactly how I would have liked them to this year, but Christmas is all about being grateful for the things that did," said Mr. Schuester confidently.

"I thought that was Thanksgiving…" interjected Puck.

"And this year, Glee club is going to lend a hand to the McKinney-Vento Homeless Children and Youth program right here in Lima," said William, making his decision.

"How are we going to do that?" asked Rachel, much quieter than normal. Mr. Schuester made a mental note to check on that.

"The only way we know how—by singing about it. We're going to go classroom to classroom, caroling, to raise money for McKinney-Vento," said the Spanish teacher.

"Wait, classrooms in this school? With like, students in them?" asked Tina skeptically.

"Well, if there are no students in them, there will be no one to put money in the collection box while we sing," said their teacher, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"We're gonna be killed," said Quinn cheerfully.

"No, guys, it's Christmas…a time for miracles. We gotta try this," said Finn, taking the leadership role of the group.

"Finn's right. So, let's start rehearsing. This year, Glee club's going full Santa," said Mr. Schuester, his voice full of enthusiasm.

* * *

><p>The Glee boys and girls went to their first class, all decked out in matching, cheerful, Christmas themed outfits.<p>

Mercedes started them off.

/Haul out the holly  
>Put up the tree before<br>My spirit falls again!  
>Fill up the stocking;<br>I may be rushing things, but  
>Deck the halls again now…

As Mercedes held out the word 'Now', a girl screamed from the back of the class.

"You suck!"

"Who goes caroling with a band?"

"I'd seriously rather be learning."

|For we need a little Christmas|

"You're making me hate Christmas!"

|Right this very minute,  
>Candles in the wind…|<p>

At that line, someone threw a shoe at the group.

The Glee club ceased their performance and ran to the door through jeers of, "You suck!" and, "I hate you!"

"Go, go, go!" said Finn, getting the group through the door.

* * *

><p>The group was eating popcorn, recuperating from their traumatic experience.<p>

"I can't believe that that teacher let those students speak to us like that," said Rachel indignantly.

"I can't believe she threw her shoe at us," said Puck.

"I guess we're done caroling," added Tina sarcastically.

There was a pause.

"No, we're not, guys. We can't let what just happened ruin our Christmas spirit. Mr. Schue got us this beautiful tree to inspire us. We're gonna practice now, and gear up for round two tomorrow," he said with finality.

"Pretty soon, no one will bully us," said Brittney confidently. "Santa Claus can do anything, and this year, I asked for the Glee club to stop getting picked on."

"She's kidding, right?" asked Zizes incredulously.

"Guys, this is serious. Listen up," said Artie quietly. The entire Glee club, save Brittney, gathered around his chair. "Brittney still believes in Santa Claus."

There were giggles and laughs.

"You cannot be serious," said Mercedes. Oh, hell to the no was she putting up with this.

"Last week Brittney believed a comb had magic powers. This is kind of a pattern," Sam pointed out. It was somewhat rude, and he knew if Kurt heard him say something like that, he'd at least get bitched out, and at worst, slapped.

"She's gonna find out sooner or later," said Quinn. It was harsh, but it was true.

Rachel, meanwhile, had snuck around to the other side of the Christmas tree. She began to talk to her ex boyfriend.

"Would you mind, um…meeting me at the auditorium tomorrow at 4?" she asked, hoping he would agree. She knew he was still upset, but she would work on it.

"Sure," he responded, not sure what to think.

"Okay, somebody needs to break the news to her," said Lauren, gazing at the boy she'd saved.

"Uh-uh. Don't look at me. I mean, I'm cruel and all, but that's just hardcore," said the boy with the mohawk.

"Right? That's my point! Hear me out," said Artie. "Remember when you were a kid, how excited you would get when you would think about Santa Claus? How awesome it was? Christmas was the highlight of the year. Why wouldn't you want to keep someone's world magical for a little while longer?" he asked.

"How?" asked Mike. He'd never experienced a typical Christmas. After all, his family was Buddhist, and mostly from China, and so Christmas didn't make sense for the family to celebrate.

"I've got it all figured out," said Artie with confidence.

* * *

><p>Sam sat through all of his classes, completely bored out of his mind. He really didn't want to pay attention anymore. It was the week before classes let out. Why bother? He surreptitiously took out his phone and called up a very familiar number. He sent a text.<p>

{Sam}{Hey kiddo. How r thnigs ovr Daltin?}

He waited a few moments before his phone buzzed.

{Kurt}{Samuel Goddamn Evans, you are so lucky I wasn't in class. My phone wasn't on vibrate; it rang. Consider yourself warned.

Sam literally laughed out loud, at which point his teacher glared at him.

"Something funny about World War Two or Concentration Camps, Mr. Evans?"

Sam blushed from embarrassment.

"N-no, sir."

"Good. Moving on…" droned out the teacher.

Sam sighed. He was lucky.

"I heard that Mr. Evans."

Maybe not.

* * *

><p>Santana, Tina, Mike, Quinn, Lauren, Mercedes and Sam had agreed to Artie's plot, and stood in the Lima Mall. The whole group wore festive colors. Except Sam and Tina, both of whom wore black; Tina, because she was Tina, and Sam, because he was cold, and brought a jacket. It was insanely crowded, and everyone was impatient. They stood in line, waiting for Santa.<p>

Brittney, of course, was into the whole thing.

"Can I be honest?" she asked to a woman wearing a green hat, dressed as an elf. "I don't understand the difference between an elf and a slave."

The woman walked away without a word.

"I'm not sitting in that guy's lap. Santa's laps are always really warm, and it's creepy," said Quinn. That was gross.

"We all have to sit on Santa's lap. If Brittney sees that we all still believe, it will make her strong enough to withstand all the Santa naysayers in the world," Artie said hopefully.

"Which is everyone over the age of six," Sam pointed out. He was cold, dammit, and he missed Kurt.

"I'm pretty sure this isn't going to work. That guy doesn't even look like Santa," said Tina, trying to ease the pain that would come. Santa was very skinny and African-American.

"Trust me, all Brittney's gonna see is the suit. She wants to believe in him," said Artie. This had to work. It had to. "Mercedes, get up there."

The girl simply rolled her eyes. She'd said it before, and she would say it again; oh, hell to the no.

"Go, Mercedes, go, Mercedes, go, Mercedes…" chanted Brittney excitedly.

"I've been a very good girl, Santa. I want a pony, and a doll that laughs and cries and…" she drifted off. She smelled the air. "One of us smells like McDonalds…"

"I would like Puckerman to love me. He's a fox. I would also like sweet potato fries," requested The Zizes.

"I want bling; I can't be any more specific than that," said Santana, before her expression changed. "Okay, wait, hold up, please tell me that is a roll of Certs in your pocket!"

"Do you have anything for stretch marks?" asked Quinn quietly.

Finally it was Sam's turn. He sat upon Santa's lap. He thought for a moment. He was about to say it; Kurt. That's all he wanted for Christmas. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He tried again. Finally, he went with a lame second. "ChapStick. Lots of ChapStick."

"I want Channing Tatum to stop being in stuff," said Mike jealously.

"When does Asian Santa arrive?" asked Tina.

Finally, it was Brittney's turn.

"Next," called out the woman whom Brittney had offended previously. As she walked past, Brittney spoke to her again.

"Just know you have rights," she said quietly. The elves would get their equality. Some day.

"Ho, ho, ho! What's your name?" asked 'Santa'

"Brittney," she said smiling. "You've gotten really tan."

"That's because at the North Pole, there's a hole in the ozone," replied 'Santa'.

_Slick_, thought Sam.

Brittney laughed. "You're amazing. I know you're really busy, so I only want one thing for Christmas. Do you see my boyfriend over there?" she asked pointing. "For Christmas, I want him to be able to walk. You can do that, can't you, Santa?"

Artie's face fell, and as Santa looked toward them, they shook their heads, trying to convey him to respond negatively.

"Sure…I'm on it!" said Santa.

Artie's heart plunged into his abdomen. Their plan was f—

"Thank you so much, Santa," she said.

"Now we're screwed," stated the boy in the wheelchair.

* * *

><p>"Now remember, it has to be lush and romantic," said Rachel. She and Finn were on the stage, along with the band.<p>

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I am very specific when I give a gift," she said. "You don't know how many kittens I've given away because they haven't been just right. So, do you like my Winter Wonderland?" she asked, trying for a romantic tone.

"Well, I don't really like artificial Christmas trees. I like real ones. They smell amazing; that's kind of the whole point," he said, being brutally honest. She had asked.

"Right," she said, salvaging a smile out of her frown. "Anyway…Merry Christmas," she said, giving Finn her present. "Being a Jew, I generally don't give Christmas gifts, but considering how much you care about the holiday I figured I'd make an exception."

Finn looked at her. Was she serious?

"Just…read it. It's a note," she said.

"The bearer of this note is entitled to one song of Rachel Berry's choosing, sung to him or her with love," he read flatly.

"At least it's not a kitten," she said jokingly.

His face fell. He knew it.

"Come sit," she said, grabbing his hand.

He let himself be pulled, but only for a moment.

"I-I don't think so. I know what you're trying to do, and it's not going to work," he said.

"Look, not letting me apologize isn't fair," she said.

"I've let you apologize plenty, and I know that Christmas is supposed to be about forgiveness but…I'm not ready to forgive you, so please stop trying to make me," he said sadly, pressing her gift back into her hands.

She was shattered.

There was a moment of silence.

"Should we, like, leave?" asked one of the band members.

"No," she said shakily. "Whether it's a heart attack or heartbreak, just like on Broadway, the show must go on. Besides, the AV club worked so hard on the snow."

A note was struck upon a harp, and Rachel began to sing to her ex. Alone.

* * *

><p>Mr. Schuester attempted to come up with ideas for Sue's present. He wasn't having much luck. He began a list.<p>

Dog Robot

A soul

He wrote a number three, but it was so outside the realm of Christmas spirit that he took the list, crumpled it up and threw it into the trash behind him.

* * *

><p>90 miles away, in Westerville, Ohio**, Kurt was attempting to write an essay. A loud bang on a desk nearby made him jump. Though there was a zero-tolerance harassment policy, Kurt still sometimes felt like he was back at McKinley when he heard loud noises.<p>

In reality, it was Blaine, putting down a stereo. Kurt was moderately irritated at the interruption, but glad to have an excuse not to finish his paper. He'd been waiting for Sam to text him. The two did, back and forth, literally every night, even if it was just to say "Hi."

"Hey," said Blaine, going for smooth.

"You scared me," admitted Kurt. He still wasn't thrilled at the intrusion.

"Good, because I'm actually Marley's ghost, and I'm here to tell you to stop studying so hard," said Blaine, his voice dropping to a whisper.

Kurt was not a happy camper. He didn't have the time for this.

"What's with the boombox?" he asked, cutting quickly to the chase.

"I need you to sing with me. Well, rehearse with me. I got a gig singing 'Baby, it's Cold Outside' in the King's Island Christmas Spectacular***.

As much as Kurt needed to study, he could use the break.

"Ah, a personal favorite. Too bad they'd never let you sing it together with another boy," Kurt said sarcastically. He was referencing the park and its event, not the song. He did not like the song one bit.

"Mmm. So you going to help me out here?" asked the cocky boy.

"Anything to get me to stop reading about Charlemagne would be a plus, but alas, so. I need to finish this, or else I will not get a good grade," said Kurt, being responsible. Normally he'd goof off, but this was history, a subject he loathed.

"Aw, come on, Kurt. Who else can I practice with?" he asked.

"…any of the Warblers…" Kurt replied sarcastically.

"Please?" asked Blaine.

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No, and if you ask me again, I'm going to hit you with this book," said Kurt, his patience thin.

"You wouldn't!"

"…try me…" said Kurt one last time. Normally he loathed violence, but in this case he might actually make an exception. Normally Blaine was pushy, but tonight he was just plain being rude.

The older boy sighed, picked up his boombox and left.

Luckily, this was the same moment he got a text from Sam.

{Sam}{Hey, jst got off wrk. Wats up?}

Kurt cringed, as he always did the first time he got a text from Sam. He knew the boy had dyslexia, and knew it wasn't his fault, but he so badly wanted to just teach the boy grammar.

{Kurt}[How was it?}

A few minutes went by, then a few more, and Kurt got slightly worried. When the text finally came, he pounced on his phone.

{Sam}{Sry. Waethr is bad, n I wuz drivnig. It wuz as ecsiting as pizza cn b}

Kurt laughed, just glad his friend had gotten home safe. Friend? Or more? He was never sure when it came to that boy. Kurt texted back quickly, and had just hit send when he heard a knock on his door.

{Kurt}{It depends on where the ingredients end up; in the pizza or on you!}

Kurt looked up, and found no other than Mr. Schuester.

"Hey," the man said happily, a small grin upon his face.

"Mr. Schuester!" exclaimed Kurt.

The two hugged. The older man and never been homophobic, or been afraid of Kurt like some of his other teachers had been back at McKinley.

"Oh, good to see you Kurt," replied the coach. "Someone special?" he asked, looking back down the hallway Kurt realized Blaine must have left.

"No! No, dear God, no. Just a friend," he said.

"Oh? I thought there might have been some chemistry there," said Mr. Schue, his eyes twinkling.

Kurt's phone buzzed. He knew it was Sam, and began to smile. "Not a chance. At least, on my end. I've got my eyes on—" responded Kurt, realizing he'd said too much.

William Schuester raised an eyebrow. Kurt had just blushed.

"Well then, who's the lucky guy?" asked the Spanish teacher.

Kurt thought for a moment, and decided to trust him.

"Sam. But you can't mention it."

Will did a slight double take. He had seen it coming, in retrospect. The songs, the glances, the way Sam had been positively silent and depressed the week after Kurt had left for Dalton. How had he missed it?

"I won't, I promise. Wow. I have to admit, I see it now. Wait, are you the one he's always texting during my class?" asked Mr. Schuester in mock anger.

To Kurt's credit, the kid did blush, and mumbled "Sorry, Mr. Schue."

"I'm just kidding. I'm happy for you. So you two are dating?" he asked, genuinely curious. It'd been a while since he'd been able to talk to the kid, and he wanted to at least make an effort to reach out to the student he hadn't saved; the one that got away, if you will.

"No. I don't think he likes me in the same way, but I feel much more strongly for him than I did towards Finn," replied the soprano.

Will raised both his eyebrows, and then lowered them.

"Don't be so hasty, or discount it so quickly. It's not a good thing to give up on love so easily," he teased. "I wish I hadn't…"

Kurt's heart went out to his teacher. He knew his heart ached over Miss Pillsbury. Well, Mrs. Pillsbury-Howell, now.

"So, how are you doing?" asked Mr. Schue, trying to get back to a safer topic. He really didn't want to talk about Emma.

"Well, the classes are harder, but the kids are kinder," responded Kurt happily. He was enjoying himself at Dalton. It would never replace his friends, though. "But, I miss you guys a lot, though. So, what brings you here? Are you looking for teaching at a place where pencils aren't primarily used as weapons?" Kurt joked.

"Actually, I need some holiday help," admitted Will. "I don't know if you know this, but I am really bad at Christmas shopping."

[FLASHBACK]  
>When Will and Terri were still together, there was one Christmas in particular that had not ended well.<p>

As Terri unwrapped her present, she was confused.

"Oh, honey, just what I wanted. Jumper cables."  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"This year, I drew Sue in the office pool Secret Santa, and I tell you, I…can't think of anything good. And you are so great at shopping, I thought I'd…" admitted Mr. Schuester, before he was cut off.

"I have the perfect idea," said Kurt, a huge smile on his face.

* * *

><p>The next day, back in Lima, Emma walked down the corner, a gift in hand. Mr. Schuester caught up to her.<p>

"I think I can tell who wrapped that. Who's it for?" he asked, curious. Emma smiled.

"Oh, Sue. I drew her as my Secret Santa," she replied. Upon Will's face was a look of shock.

"Wait a minute. That's not possible. Sue's my Secret Santa," said Will. Shannon Beiste had walked up at that exact moment to their confusion, and added even more.

"No, Sue's my Secret Santa," she interjected.

The three looked at each other, and ran down the hall.

* * *

><p>"I'm everybody's Secret Santa," said Sue. She was being faced by three very not-amused teachers.<p>

"Yeah, you can just drop those wherever," she said, her tone nonchalant.

"You rigged Secret Santa?" asked a furious ginger.

"How? It was my idea!" said Coach Beiste.

"Well, you're not the only person at this school who consumes protein powder by the tubful," replied Sue.

[FLASHBACK]  
><em>Remember when I told you I was taking all those science textbooks to an exorcist? Well, that's what we call a diversion<em> explained Sue.

As Coach Beiste when to approach Sue, Becky stepped in and switched the containers, with no one the wiser.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"You filled your tub with your name only," said Emma, understanding.

"You're a regular Agatha Christie, except even more sexless," sniped Sue.

Becky took the present right out of Mr. Schuester's hand.

"See, people, I hate Christmas, but I love presents. Ah, look at this. It's a track suit with a fur-lined hood for the winter months. Thanks, fella!" she said, as she opened Will's gift.

"That was Kurt's idea," he said, reaching for the suit.

"Ah-ah-ah William, these gifts are legally mine. Now you may or may not be aware of this, but I'm an honorary officer of the Lima Police Department, and if you take my property out of my office, I will pick up that phone and have you arrested for theft," said Sue, her voice cruel.

"We are not going to let you steal Christmas, Sue," yelled Will.

"You're not gonna get away with this," added Emma.

"I think I already have," replied Sue. "William, Elmo, you, get the hell out of my office."

Emma threw her gift on the floor.

"I just gotta say, this is a really expensive blender. It's top of the line," complained Coach Beiste.

William, as childish as it may have been, took her phone off the hook.

Becky put it back.

"At ease, Becky," said Sue.

* * *

><p>Lauren Zizes walked down the hall, heading in one direction.<p>

Sue Sylvester headed in the opposite

This was never a good event to begin with. However, Lauren was wearing a Santa hat, and so this particular occasion was far worse.

"I'm gonna stop you right here. Why are you wearing that hat?" asked Sue.

"Because it's Christmas and it's fun," she replied.

"No, it's offensive. You're wearing a Santa Claus hat, and yet you're handing me no gifts. I need gifts," said Sue.

"You want my hat?" asked Lauren sarcastically.

"It's a start," answered the Amazonian-esque woman.

Lauren rolled her eyes, and walked past.

"Coach, we've got a problem," said Becky, running down the hall as fast as she could.

* * *

><p>Back in Sue's office, Coach Beiste was using the blender.<p>

"Thanks guys. Those go under the tree in the choir room," said Will to the football players Shannon had 'recruited'. "And that can go too."

"Can you believe it? Six different people got Sue a shake weight," said Mr. Schue, this time addressing the Coach.

Sue arrived.

"Becky, go into the glove box of my LeCar and bring me my tear gas. Then, get me Gloria Allred," she said, naming her attorney. Becky ran off.

"Merry Christmas Sue. As you can see, we're repo'ing your gifts," said Will, a huge grin on his face. "Most can't be returned since you inexplicably opened all of them."

"And I licked each one so no one would touch them," replied the she-wolf.

"So the staff has agreed to donate them to the homeless kids at McKinney-Vento. I mean, what is your problem, anyway? Were you one of those kids who never got presents at Christmas?" asked Mr. Schuester heartlessly. To be fair, the coach deserved every word.

"Yes, Dr. Laura. As a matter of fact, I was, and I'm making up for it now," she responded.

"Face it, Sue. We won," added Coach Beiste, drinking a protein shake from the blender she'd just used.

"This will not stand. I have legal rights to those gifts," said Sue bitterly.

"You know what, Sue? You don't. I checked with human resources, and because you misrepresented yourself, it is within our legal right to take back these gifts. Ho, ho, ho," said William triumphantly.

As Beiste and Schuester left the room, William couldn't help but add one more remark.

"You know what you are, Sue? You're a Grinch," he said, and left.

Sue looked at the hat she held in her hand. As she did so, she began to laugh, an evil, cackling laugh, for her heart truly was three sizes too small.

* * *

><p>"Are you guys punking me?" asked Shannon Beiste incredulously. She stood in her locker room, facing down the boys. "I thought we were cool after you sang me that song.<p>

"This is serious, Coach," said Artie.

"Remember when you were a kid, the way you felt when you came downstairs on Christmas morning, seeing that Santa had come?" asked Sam. He suddenly had an image of a 6 year old Kurt coming downstairs on Christmas morning, his hair completely immaculate, and had to hold in a laugh.

"I do love Santa Claus," said the Coach. "One year, I asked him for a full set of free weights. Kept asking my dad, 'How did Santy get those 75-pound dumbbells down the chimney?' Should have suspected something when Dad was in traction until the end of January," she said sadly.

"You've got the perfect Santa body type," said Puck.

"Watch it, Puckerman," she said strictly.

"Look, we rented the suit. All you need to do is put it on," Sam said. Why did he get dragged into this again?

"Just tell her that you can't give her the gift of me walking this year," said Artie sadly.

"That seems so harsh and not at all like Santa," said Shannon sadly.

"She asked Santa for the impossible—me walking again. If Christmas morning comes around and I'm not dancing in Glee club rehearsal with no personal explanation from her idol, she's going to lose faith in Old Saint Nick, and we can't have that," said Artie passionately.

"Tell her the elves are working on it. Elves have awesome cord blood for stem cell research, but these advances are a few years away," said Sam. He blushed, hoping is inner nerd hadn't shown through. He didn't need anyone to know that he read Popular Science.

"Okay," agreed the Coach.

"Great. And then we need you to break into her house," said Artie quickly.

Her look of happiness morphed into a look of horror.

"What? No. No way!" said Shannon Beiste.

"The back door will be open. I-I talked to her parents; they really want her to believe, too," finished Artie, hoping it was enough.

Coach Beiste thought it was a bad idea gone horribly wrong.

* * *

><p>"Look Coach! The janitor staff got you hideous gloves," said Becky.<p>

"Give me those," said Sue. "They'll come in handy. No fingerprints. Suit up, Becky."

"I don't understand why we have to dress up, Coach," asked Becky, putting on her antler-dog ear hat, and adding a little black make-up to her nose to look like that of a dogs.

"Well, this way, if anyone sees us, we'll have plausible deniability. I repeat, you are a 'rein-dog'. Trust me, they're real. How am I looking?" asked Sue, as she painted her face green.

"Fantastic, Coach," said Becky.

"Yeah, you know, Becky, my mastery of camouflage is the only thing that kept me from being court-martialed after that My Lai misunderstanding," said Sue.

"Copy that," said Becky.

"Now, let's go get what is rightfully mine," said Sue. "Schuester thinks I'm a Grinch, well, that's exactly what he's gonna get…"

As the two began their work, she began to sing.

/You're a mean one,  
>Sue the Grinch<br>You really, are a heel  
>You're as cuddly as a cactus,<br>You're as charming as an eel,  
>Sue the Grinch;<br>You're a bad banana with a…  
>A greasy black peel!

She tore open the presents, and she took the ornaments off the tree.

/You're a monster,  
>Sue the Grinch<br>Your hearts an empty hole.  
>Your brain is full of spiders;<br>You've got garlic in your soul,  
>Sue the Grinch;<br>I wouldn't touch you with a  
>39-and-a-half-foot-pole!

She painted all the piano keys black, and destroyed more ornaments with a golf club, and shredded all the sheet music she could find.

/You're a foul one,  
>Sue the Grinch;<br>You're a nasty, wasty skunk.  
>Your heart is full of unwashed socks;<br>Your soul is full of gunk,  
>Sue the Grinch.

As they completed their destruction of the choir room, she said ordered Becky to load it up. Brittney decided to come in at that moment.

"Santa?" she asked, vulnerable.

"Why, Brittney! What are you doing here?" asked Sue, hoping the charade would work.

"I'm bringing a gift to put under the tree for the homeless kids. It's a dollhouse. At least their dolls won't be homeless. What are you doing, Santa?" she asked.

"Well, you see, Brittney, uh, one of the lights on the tree isn't working. So I'm bringing it back home to my workshop. I'll fix it up there, and I'll bring it back here. Shuffle on home," she said, ushering Britt out and taking her present.

* * *

><p>The Glee kids stood in horror, viewing what had once been their happy, quiet choir room.<p>

Mr. Schuester whistled as he walked into work, until he saw the carnage.

"They took everything," said Mercedes sadly.

"Including all of Sue's Secret Santa gifts we were gonna give to the homeless kids," added Tina.

"Only further proof that everyone in this school hates us no matter what we do," complained Rachel, though for once in her life, she had the right to do so.

"It's not the school. It's Sue. She did thi—" said Mr. Schuester, only to be cut off by Brittney.

"It wasn't Sue, it was Santa," she said. "He said a light was out on the tree, he'd fix everything. We just need to let him do his thing."

Mr. Schuester was about to contest her on that point, but she saw Artie nodding and indicating, and understood his desire.

"Okay…are you sure Santa was a boy and not a girl, Brittney?" asked Will, just to be sure.

"I swear on my life. Santa's a boy; everybody knows that," she said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"It was probably one of the boys on the football team," whispered Rachel.

"…I guess it wasn't Sue," said Will. Damn. He would have enjoyed getting her fired.

"So our tree is gone. So our presents are missing," said Finn, attempting an inspirational speech.

"Santa's probably fixing any dents or chips as we speak," she interjected.

Finn scrunched up his face and forced himself not to sigh.

"All around the world today, way worse things have happened to people than this. Sorry, I'm not going to let this get us down. 'Tis the season," said Finn. Man, he was glad that was over. He hated public speaking.

"I agree. Come on, guys, let's clean this up. Come on," said Mr. Schuester.

Sam took out his phone, before everything was set right. He took a picture and sent it to Kurt. He titled it Naentderhals. God, he hated being dyslexic.

A moment later, he got a response.

{Kurt}{Omg, Sam, I'm so sorry. You have no idea. I wish I could help you guys. That absolutely sucks. Anything you can do?

The reply was almost instantaneous.

{Sam}{Not a goddamm thng. We dont no whoo it wuz}

He got another text.

{Kurt}{Damn. I wish I were…well, sometimes. Sort of. I just…}

Sam was eager to find out.

{Sam}{miss wut?}

The reply took a couple of minutes. He started cleaning.

{Kurt}{…miss you…}

Sam's grin was bright enough to power the whole damn city of Lima. He then really went to work cleaning.

Meanwhile, Rachel walked over to Finn.

"You and I are the leaders of this club. Alright, we need to fix this. We have to put everything that's happened behind us and save Christmas for the Glee club," said the Jewish girl, being, for a moment, uncharacteristically selfless. "I want to make this right."

A muscle twitched in Finn's jaw.

* * *

><p>Sam wandered around the Lima mall. He had no idea what he was looking for. He'd come on a whim, with just an idea that he really wanted to try. He wanted to buy Kurt a Christmas present. He knew he felt something so huge, it filled him to burst every time he talked to the boy. His palms would sweat; he'd get nervous, and freak out just a little. It had gotten to the point where he was debating talking to his doctor about being so nervous all the time. His butterflies in his stomach when he was around Kurt were more like the razor-tipped variety from that episode of The Fringe.<p>

Hey, he was a geek.

It was when he walked by a glass window and happened to look up that he saw it.

It was perfect.

* * *

><p>"This was my dad's…" said Finn sadly. The boys had decided they would all give their watched to the homeless children.<p>

"He'd want you to it—for those kids," said Mike, a sad expression on his face.

"This was my uncle's," said Puck. "It's the first thing I ever stole, actually."

Sam simply threw the watch into the hat. He didn't tell anyone that he'd bought it as a gift for Kurt, for him to give after the two started dating; suffice it to say, that hadn't happened yet.

"I'm going to look terrible," said Quinn sadly.

"Shut up. With your bone structure, you could rock the Rosemary's Baby look and still look good," said Tina. "I'm gonna look like Jackie Chan.

"If Barbra can pull off a bob, so can I," said Rachel in reference to her idol.

"Enough yapping. Let's do this," said Santana.

"Whoa, whoa, what are you guys doing?" asked Mr. Schuester, walking in and seeing his students with scissors.

"We're going all 'Gift of the Magi' to raise money to buy the homeless kids those school supplies," responded Mercedes.

"The guys are gonna sell their watches, and the girls are gonna sell off their hair," said Sam.

"You can't do that!" exclaimed Mr. Schue.

"Oh no, it's cool. Most of this isn't mine, anyways," interjected Santana.

"No, I mean that's not the answer. There are other ways to raise money at Christmas time," said William.

"No, but we tried caroling, and it didn't work," responded Rachel.

"Wait, I thought you and Finn were getting us a new tree," said Artie, confused.

"We went, but Finn bailed before we could get one," replied the diva.

"Nice Christmas spirit, Finn," said Brittney.

"WAIT! Guys, no more fighting," said Mr. Schuester. "Have any of you ever actually read, 'Gift of the Magi'?" he asked.

No one spoke.

"None of you?" he asked critically.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "You don't have to read 'Gift of the Magi'; everybody knows what it's about."

"Well, if you actually read it, you'd know what it's about," said Mr. Schue.

"Yeah, I know what it's about—life freakin' sucks," said Santana.

"Actually, you're right," said Will, as he took a seat. "The first Christmas you remember having is the greatest day of your life. Your family's all together, there are loads of presents, cookies. The magic is alive and well. But before you know it, you grow up. Work and school and girlfriends take over and Christmas becomes more of an obligation, a reminder of what's lost instead of what's possible. And all the trees and the presents and even the mistletoe can't change that. And then when you get to my age…you're so desperate to get that magic back, you'd do anything to be able to feel how you did that first Christmas," finished Mr. Schuester sadly.

"So what should we do?" asked Finn.

"Put your scissors down, put your watches back on. We're gonna go out and find some people who really need some Christmas spirit, and we are gonna sing for them," replied Mr. Schue.

* * *

><p>Brittney put her dolls to sleep.<p>

"Get a good night's rest, Ken, you're gonna need it. Barbie took the early flight from Tampa," she said, before she heard the sounds of clattering. She rose with a shock to see what was the matter. And there, lo and behold, was Santa.

"Santa?" she asked. "But it's too early!"

"Well, you know what they say. Early's late if you make tomorrow yesterday," said Santa.

"Awesome!" said the girl, not quite understanding what that all meant.

"You know, Brittney, I was in the neighborhood, doing a dry run. I have so many houses to visit on Christmas Eve, I got to make sure it goes off without a hitch. How about you come sit with ol' Santy?" asked the 'man' in the big red suit.

Britt jumped into 'his' lap.

"Okay! How about you sit next to Santy instead? Santy's just a little stinky. He needs a good ol' sponge bath from Mrs. Claus," said Santy, laughing.

"Brittney, do you remember what you asked me for Christmas?" asked Santa.

"Yeah, I asked for Artie to be able to walk," she said.

"Is there anything else that you want? I mean, like, anything?" asked Saint Nicholas.

"No," replied Brittney honestly.

"Well, see, Santa's trying his best, but that one's a little hard," said Santa.

"But you're magic," replied the girl.

"Sometimes what Santa wants to give a good girl like you is patience, because, believe it or not, there are even some things that he can't manage. You know, there was a girl a little younger than you, and she was a little husky. She was always asking Santy for the same thing: to make her look more like the other girls. She wasn't asking to be pretty or nothing. But she just didn't want to stick out so much. Santa just couldn't do it. So instead, Santa gave her patience. And later on, that girl was…was glad that Santy didn't give her what she had asked him for. She—she put being husky to good use," finished Santa Claus.

"Was her name Ricki Lake?" asked Brittney.

Santa sighed sadly. "The point is, I don't think I'm going to be able to give you what you're asking for, even though I'd like to."

"But Santa…" said Brittney, but Santa interjected.

"I'm sorry, pumpkin. It's-it's just not going to happen."

Santa began to walk away.

"Aren't you going to go up the chimney?" asked Brittney.

"On dry runs, Santy uses the Isuzu," said Santa.

Then 'he' walked out the door.

* * *

><p>The next day at school, Brittney was taking down all of her decorations.<p>

Artie wheeled up to her.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"I think I've lost the Christmas spirit," said Brittney.

Artie's expression became one of horror.

"It's Santa. I don't know if I can tell you," she replied.

As she slammed her locker, she spoke again.

"I used to believe that Santa could do anything. If Santa isn't magical, I don't even know if I want to believe anymore. It isn't fair that you can't walk, Artie. I feel so terrible," she said, thoroughly depressed.

"Hey, look at me," he said. "I'm fine."

Mr. Schuester walked past them very quickly.

"Hey guys, we need you in the teacher's lounge," he said, with no other explanation besides that.

"Mr. Schue—Brittney's not feeling so good. Santa thing. If you don't mind, I think I'm going to take her home, make sure she's okay," he explained.

"Good idea. We'll make do without you," replied his teacher.

* * *

><p>"Hey, uh, so we're your students," said Finn awkwardly to the teachers in the lounge. "All year long you suffer through dealing with us. I imagine having some of us in your classes would slowly chip away at your hopes and dreams, until the whole world just felt like a never-ending nightmare of pain…"<p>

"Let's just get to the point, Finn," said Mr. Schue, hoping to avert disaster.

"Right. Uh, anyway, we're here today to help raise money for children that have a lot less than we do. I know that some of us have had a hard Christmas, but what we've come to learn is that no matter how tough things get, there isn't anything that more Santa or a couple more jingle bells can't cure," said Finn, hoping he'd spoken well.

"Well, Becky, we did it," said Sue happily. "We got all my presents back. And as satisfying as it is to have been gifted enough rotisserie ovens to roast an entire hobo—for me, the real joy of Christmas was breaking the collective heart of the Glee club."

Suddenly, there was a noise. It was quiet, at first.

"What's that, Coach?" asked Becky.

Back in the lounge, there was a whole different story going on.

|Fahoo fores, dahoo dores,  
>Welcome, Christmas,<br>Come this way.  
>Fahoo fores, dahoo dores,<br>Welcome, Christmas,  
>Christmas Day!|<p>

The boys took over for the next part.

|Welcome, welcome,  
>Fahoo ramus|<p>

Then it was the girls turn.

|Welcome, welcome,  
>Dahoo, damus|<p>

They all joined together in classic, four part harmony.

|Christmas Day is in our grasp,  
>So long as we have hands to clasp<br>Fahoo fores, dahoo dores,  
>Welcome, Christmas,<br>Bring your cheer.  
>Fahoo fores, dahoo dores,<br>Welcome all Whos  
>Far and near|<p>

The boys took over for a moment, before the four part harmony began once more.

|Welcome, Christmas  
>Fahoo ramus.|<p>

|Welcome, Christmas,  
>Dahoo Damus.<br>Christmas time will always be,  
>Just as long as we have GLEE<br>Fahoo fores, dahoo dores,  
>Welcome, Christmas,<br>Bring your light  
>Oo-oo-oo-oo<br>oo-oo-oo-oo|

They finished on a beautiful, clear note.

"Christmas came anyway, Coach," said Becky. "It's beautiful…"

Sue looked on.

"It is," she agreed.

* * *

><p>"So how much did we raise?" asked Finn, after the concert was over.<p>

"210 bucks," said Puck. "And that's after my cut."

Finn glared at him.

"I'm kidding!"

"Now that you're divorced and Miss Pillsbury married another guy, I guess you'll be spending Christmas Eve alone…" said Rachel sadly.

"Yes, Rachel, I am," he said. _I was trying to forget about that. Thanks_, he thought to himself.

"Well, I know how painful being alone can feel, so if you want, you can come over to my house. We're going to eat Chinese and watch The Main Event," offered the diva selflessly.

"Thanks, Rachel, but I think I'm gonna pass," he said. He was touched she'd thought of him. "Nothing wrong with being alone."

As the Glee club walked back into their choir room, their jaws literally dropped.

For there, in front of them, stood Artie.

"Artie…" said Tina, her voice full of emotion.

Even Sam had to admit he'd not expected it. He'd known the technology existed, but he also knew it was exorbitantly expensive.

Brittney was in shock.

"It's called a ReWalk. Some guy in Israel invented it. I can't use it all the time, but…check me out," he said excitedly. He pushed a button, and the paraplegic took his first few steps.

"Where did you get it?" asked Quinn. She was stunned.

Brittney explained.

[FLASHBACK]  
><em>We went home, and it was sitting under my Christmas tree<em>.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"How the hell did you afford that thing?" asked Sam, voicing the question he'd wanted to know since he'd seen it.

"I didn't buy it," said Brittney. "I didn't know what it was. I thought it was a Transformer."

Sam began to imagine Artie's new legs turning into a walking death machine. He then snapped back to reality. _Bad sci-fi habit. No biscuit_ he thought.

"I assumed her dad got it for me, but he has no idea where it came from. He went to take a long poop, and when he came back it was there," Artie whispered to Santana.

"So if no one we know bought it for you, then…" Rachel drifted off.

"Santa brought it," said Brittney, and for once, no one thought she was crazy.

Mr. Schue was shell-shocked.

"Santa…" Mercedes whispered happily.

"Santa," replied Artie.

"A real Christmas miracle," said Quinn.

Sam snapped a picture on his phone, and sent it to Kurt with that exact title. He called back literally 15 seconds after that to make sure it wasn't a joke.

All the while, 'Santa' watched, knowing she had finally done something that made everything worthwhile.

* * *

><p>Mr. Schuester walked into his home, thoroughly exhausted. It had been a long day, and he was ready to curl up and die. A good day, but a long day nonetheless.<p>

As he walked in, he was surprised to see…Sue?

"Hey, Will," she said.

"How—how did you get in here?" he asked.

"Oh, I had a key made ages ago. How do you like your tree?" she asked.

"Uh, it's-it's-it's beautiful," he said, still trying to get over the fact that Sue Sylvester was in his house. "Wha-what's going on? What's with all the presents?"

"Well you remember that old meanie who stole all that stuff out of the choir room? Well, she's sorry," Sue explained.

"Really?" asked Will. "And what made her change her mind?" he asked.

"I don't know. Call it a Christmas miracle and we'll leave it at that. Now I know a lot of these gifts are for orphans or something, but, uh…I got you something special," she said. He looked at her as though she were joking. "It's okay, it's not going to explode."

"I thought you might want to put all of us out of our misery and shave off that Chia Pet," she said, looking directly at his hair.

"Thanks, Sue," he said, and for possibly the second time in his life, sincerely meaning it (in regards to her, at least). "The tree really does look great."

"Well, Santa had some helpers," she admitted. She blew her whistle.

In from the bedroom walked Rachel, bearing cookies. His jaw dropped.

"No one should be alone on Christmas Eve, Mr. Schuester," she said cheerfully.

"Too much talking, lady, not enough trimming," commanded Sue. The rest of Glee followed them out; first Artie, then Mercedes.

"Come on, let's get some Christmas up in here," she ordered, and then everyone come out. Even Kurt had managed to make it home in time for the whole shebang.

"I thought you hated the holidays," he whispered to his arch-nemesis-turned-friend.

"Nah, I just hate you," she replied after a little while.

As the group decorated the tree, Finn looked across at Rachel. Rachel looked across at him. Both had smiles; Rachel's was more brilliant than Finn's, who had a more subdued, sad look. It was a smile nonetheless.

"Merry Christmas, Sue," said Will.

"Merry Christmas, Will," said Sue.

* * *

><p>Much later on that night, after feasting, hanging out, and even a small food fight (that was quickly quelled by Sue threatening dismemberment, something all the Glee kids took seriously), it was time to go home. They all left slowly, congregating in the snow out front. Everyone left, one by one, until only Kurt and Sam were left on the doorstep.<p>

There was a silence, but it was comfortable, and not awkward in the least. They both avoided looking at each other, and if their eyes caught, they would both blush and look away. Finally, Sam spoke.

"Kurt…I…I…got you something. For Christmas. Stay right here, okay?" asked Sam as he ran off to his car.

Kurt felt a little awkward standing on Mr. Schuester's porch at 11:00 at night, but he didn't care. Sam had bought him something.

The blonde jock ran back up the driveway with a small box in his hand. It was wrapped, and though Sam thought the wrapping sucked, Kurt thought it was adorable.

"Open it," urged the blonde.

Kurt tore the paper off, and found a jewelry box.

He opened it slowly.

He gasped. Kurt's head snapped up to look at Sam, and almost hit the blonde in the nose. He hadn't realized that's how close they were.

"Sam…what…"

"Kurt…I…I should start at the beginning. I meant to tell you at Sectionals, but I never got the chance. I…I'm…g-g…gay." Sam finally managed to spit the word out. Yup. Time to see the doctor!

Kurt's eyes opened wide. Well that explained a few things.

"So…you have been flirting with me? I'm not crazy?" asked Kurt. Sam blushed. He nodded.

Kurt smiled.

"I'm not ready to come out yet," said Sam. "Literally, the only other person who knows is Quinn. And…I-d-don't want to go out with you…"

At this, Kurt felt like he could die.

"…until I come out to at least my parents, and probably Glee."

This made sense to Kurt.

Sam got down on one knee.

"This ring is a symbol of my promise to do those things so that we can be together; a promise that you can wait for me. Is…is that okay?" asked Sam, totally insecure. His heart was going a mile a minute, and he knew in his head that he was hyperventilating.

Kurt didn't have to think twice. He took the ring out of its box. It was a beautiful color of silver. The two bands formed together, almost in the shape of wings. Freedom was the first thing it reminded Kurt of.

He slipped it on.

"Yes, Sam. I will wait. I can't wait forever, though," he warned.

"I-I know. I just need a little time," said Sam, standing up.

The two boys looked each other in the eyes. There was an electric charge between them, sparking down Sam's nerve endings right to his vey core.

Sam started to lean in, but kept his eyes open, trying to see if it was okay.

Kurt's eyes were huge, and his pupils were dilated. His heart was racing, and he was filled with joy. He started to lean in too. They grew closer and closer to colliding, to sealing the deal…

The front door opened.

"Evening Porcelain. Lady Lips. I'll see you around," said Sue Sylvester, walking right between them. The spell was broken, and Sam's courage fled. He blushed madly, as did Kurt.

"Good night, Kurt," said Sam, as the two turned to walk back to their cars. Mr. Schuester was watching them go from the door. He and Sue couldn't help it. They'd been watching the whole scene, and it was simply perfect timing.

"Good night, Sam," said Kurt quietly. He could hardly believe it. As he got into his Baby, he put his hands on the steering wheel, and saw the ring. He blushed. Like mad.

His father was going to kill him. And Sam. Mostly Sam.

* * *

><p>Aii! That's all for now.<p>

I was torn on how to end this. This ending was very different from the one I'd originally planned for the entire story arc, but I think it's more appropriate here. Oh, right. Your asterisks!

*I couldn't stop giggling. It's a rather naughty innuendo that popped into my mind while watching for the rewrites. If you have hulu plus, go watch this particular scene. It's worth it.

**Westerville, Ohio is a real place. It does exist. It's a suburb of Columbus, just north and east of the city. It's beautiful. You should all go visit. Lima is also an actual city in Ohio, right on the border of…whatever the fuck state is west of Ohio XD. J/k. It's Indiana. Anyway, the distance between those two cities is approximately 90 miles, so that's the distance I decided to go with. If you don't like it, then oh well, because it's fiction, and I can do what I want from it.

***King's Island is an amusement park located in south-western Ohio, about a 30-45 minutes away from Cincinnati.

As one last note, I would like to point out that for all the accuracy and fact checking that has gone into this fiction to make it as realistic as possible, I've been spelling Brittany's name THIS ENTIRE TIME. I apologize. I'll use the correct one from this point on.

Alright folks. This is probably where my story will start to diverge from cannon. I'll still use the original material as much as I can, but more and more of it will have to become original material, otherwise I'd be left with like, 5 words. XD.

I apologize if this a/n seems more bitchy than most.

Anyway, I love you guys. Review if you don't mind ^_^. (God, I've become a review whore…)


	8. 02x11: The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

Hi guys! Pulled another all-nighter. I want to finish two chapters because I'm off today, and I won't be for the rest of the week/into the weekend. So without further ado, shall we?

Thanks to all my reviewers. You make me keep writing.

Dedicated to Sussiekitten and inspired by Nikkithedead.

A guide, once again; _Italics_ indicate thought, or a voiceover during a flashback, since I've been using that way. [FLASHBACKS] are included inside of brackets, because Ryan Murphy loves them and uses them usually two to three times each episode. {Definite Brackets} are used to identify txt msgs (because God knows we can't live without them). Forward and backward slashes indicate individuals singing; |the absolute value signs| indicate more than one.

From here on out, the show will begin to diverge more and more from the script. I'll still use as much as I can, but the further into the season we go, the more original writing can (and will) be found. I apologize to anyone not okay with this.

I don't own Glee, nor do I own the script. This whole work would be nothing without the Writer's Guild of America. You guys rock my socks.

Shall we? I think we shall.

On with it!

* * *

><p>Sue Sylvester was having yet another rehearsal for her Cheerios. This time, the routine was set to Katy Perry's "California Girls".<p>

As the song began, a girl cracked a whip from which fire sprouted forth.

/I know a place where the grass is really greener./

Girls began to march out to the beat.

/Warm, wet and wild; there must be something in the water./

Pyrotechnics flared. The boys rode bicycles, doing BMX style tricks around Cheerio's with blue hair.

/You can travel world, but nothing comes close to the Golden Coast./

As the girls launched into the chorus, the boys launched into the air off ramps, whilst more pyrotechnics exploded with great fanfare.

/California girls; we're undeniable.  
>Fine, fresh, fierce, we got it unlocked.<br>West coast, represent, now put your hands up.  
>Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

Four girls wandered out, each holding a flaming baton. They began to twirl, and like an orgy of angry fireflies, lit up the room.

/California, California girls!/

As the line was sung, two girls with sparklers attached to their breasts led the rest of the Cheerios up towards Coach Sylvester.

They finished, and it was quiet for a moment.

"I'm bored," said the Coach into her megaphone. She put it down to speak again. "Ladies, I am at a loss. Brittany, please remind me of how I single-handedly put cheerleading on the map."

"In 1979, you directed a made-for-TV movie about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders called 'The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders,'" said Brittany quietly.

"That is correct. And in the meantime, what's changed?" asked Sue rhetorically.

"Personal grooming habits?" suggested Quinn.

"What's changed is I have completely lost interest, and ladies, I blame you," she said angrily. "Becky—more silicone falsies."

"Got it Coach," she replied, running off.

"You will each enhance your bust with an additional pair of chicken cutlets, in an attempt to add some jiggle to what is the most boring routine I have ever witnessed," said Sue.

"But Coach Sylvester, this is the most elaborate routine the Cheerios have ever done. We're shoo-ins at Regionals next week, and we're the favorite to win at Nationals," said Quinn, trying to avoid death by chicken cutlet.

"And yet I am still so very bored." Coach Sylvester said the last bit into her megaphone. "Even things I used to think were hilarious…Case in point. Sandbags, slap yourself with a chicken cutlet," ordered Sue to Santana.

The Latina sighed heavily and did so.

"Now slap Brittany," she ordered.

Santana did so.

"See? Not even a chuckle," said the Coach.

"The problem is you keep trying to make a bigger and bigger spectacle. No matter how hard we try, we can't make a routine work unless you find a way to make it interesting for you," accused Quinn angrily. She was tired, she was sweaty, and she'd just had almost enough for one day. "You have to find a way to top yourself."

"Q, you just may have a point…but to be sure, slap yourself with a chicken cutlet," order Coach Sylvester.

Quinn sighed heavily. This was going to be a long practice.

* * *

><p>Later on that week, out on the football field, the crowd cheered.<p>

"Okay, here you go," said Coach Beiste to Artie.

"All right, I just want to take a minute to tell you guys how proud of you I am. We didn't even have to win this game to go to championship next week, but nobody took it off. When we take a knee, we're gonna finish first in conference for the first time in McKinley history," said Finn to the team. He was the quarterback, and the king of long, dramatic speeches to boot.

"Football is back, bitches!" agreed one of his teammates.

"Maybe we should all break out into a song after we win," said Karofsky sarcastically.

"Hey, shut it, Karofsky," replied Finn.

"No fricking way. I figure if I stay on you, you'll run away like your little butt buddy Hummel," responded Karofsky.

"That's funny, Karofsky, how you're calling everybody gay all the time, but you never seem to have a girlfriend," sniped Finn.

Karofsky charged, and two other teammates held him back. The two exchanged a look of pure venom and hatred.

"I really hope that linebacker doesn't get the jump on me. I bet it would hurt like hell to get sacked by him," said Karofsky, his veiled threat rather clear.

Sam had a bad feeling, from his head to his toes. He began to get nervous.

"All right. Slow left on one. Ready? Break!" said Finn, the whole team joining in on the last word.

"Come on, boys. Let's go," said Beiste quietly to herself.

As the guys got into positions, the atmosphere changed. Something was wrong. Sam looked back at Finn, and the older jock understood.

"Down! Set!" shouted Finn. Time seemed to slow down. "Hut!"

The ball was snapped, and Finn missed it. Someone from the opposing team broke through, and stole the ball, running it all the way to the end zone.

The McKinley Titans had lost their perfect streak of wins.

* * *

><p>"What a joke. What the hell happened?" asked the Beiste. It was at times like these that the Glee kids appreciated the irony of her name. Except Finn, who thought that was a vitamin. Or a mineral. "Finn, you're the captain, talk!" she implored of him.<p>

"Karofsky sucks, that's what happened!" shouted the teen. Sam looked at him and nodded.

"That's crap! Hudson's a frickin' girl and couldn't take a joke about his precious Glee club," said Karofsky mockingly.

"Because I'm sick of you guys getting down on us for it. We're in Glee club. What's the big deal?" yelled Finn. Sam, Artie, Puck and Mike could hardly agree more.

"It's embarrassing! We're dudes! Getting all hot and bothered about singing a Ke$ha song? It's frickin' weird," shouted one of the guys on the team. It would seem that homophobia wasn't just limited to Karofsky. Sam swallowed the lump in his throat. How the hell was he going to come out in a school like this?

"Yeah? Well, maybe you'll think it's cooler when I go all TiK ToK on your face," said Puck angrily.

"Bring it, Puckerman," said David, putting a mocking emphasis on his name.

The two began to fight. Puck threw Karofsky into a locker. Finn had to fight off a random teammate. Sam swung at one of the other guys.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" screamed Coach Beiste over the cacophony of noise.

"Championship game or not, I am not blocking for him," said Karofsky furiously.

There was silence for a few milliseconds.

"Get the hell out of here!" she screamed.

"Fine!" replied Karofsky. "Good!"

"Bunch of babies!" yelled her coach, as most of her team walked out right then and there.

Finn kicked something angrily.

Sam felt himself start to hyperventilate, and then remembered what Kurt had told him.

[FLASHBACK]  
>"Sam, I know," said Kurt quietly. The two were talking on the phone late at night. Kurt was attempting to write a paper for World History, and Sam was playing a video game, rather than do homework.<p>

Sam froze, and began to hyperventilate. His palms began to sweat. He wasn't even hiding anything from Kurt, and nothing had happened of any importance.

"What do you know?" he asked.

"Sam, you have an anxiety disorder," said Kurt calmly.

Sam felt the panic flooding through him, and thought as clearly as he could. Unfortunately, that wasn't much.

"Sam, I need you to listen to me. Focus on my voice. Listen to me," ordered the brunette. He spoke in a low, clear tone, slowly and quietly. "Take deep breathes. I want you to count backwards from 10, and take a breath every two seconds. Two seconds in, two seconds out. Okay?" asked Kurt, trying to get his…whatever he and Sam were to calm down.

Sam tried it, and found his panic going away. He stopped sweating, his breathing slowed (mostly because he forced it to, thanks to Kurt's instructions.

"You okay?" asked Kurt after the ten seconds were up.

"…yeah…" replied Sam.

"Good. I want you to make an appointment with your doctor, okay? This is getting worse, and it has been for a month or so; ever since we really started texting way back when we almost did our duet," said Kurt.

San nodded, and then realized that didn't do much good over the phone. "I will. I promise," said Sam. That was something he never did lightly. He wrote a note on his hand to talk to his parents about it.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

Sam counted backward from ten, and felt relief flood into his veins. It worked! It really worked! He smiled, as he always did when he talked to Kurt. He took off his clothes, and began to shower. Then he thought of Kurt showering, and very quickly turned the water to cold.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Journal, I am I crisis. Not even the can't-lose combination of boobs and fire can get me going anymore. Is it the raccoon hormones* my new doctor gave me? Maybe. Here I am, 31, and already a legend. What do I do as a second act? I'm simply at a loss. Last week, I even took to modifying my own flawless form just to feel something!<em> She wrote in her journal.

[FLASHBACK]  
>As Sue sat in pain (though she'd felt much worse), the tattooist stopped.<p>

"Wait. It's Syvlester, right? Sue Syvlester?" he asked.

She looked up in horror.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

_How do I make things interesting again? How do I get those juices flowing?_ As she wrote, she heard more clearly the music from her TV. It was a cartoon with a black cat, launching a cannonball out of a cannon. She took her glasses off.

"That's it."

* * *

><p>As she stood outside, looking at the mighty cannon the man had brought with him, she smiled. A genuine (albeit terrifying) smile.<p>

"This here is the A950," he said proudly.

"You say this could shoot someone across a football field?" she asked incredulously.

"Several football fields, if you pack in enough explosives. Of course, that would be incredibly unsafe. See, if you want to go for more than, say, 50 yards, you're looking about a 70% chance of catastrophic failure," he said, his tone full of warning.

"Which is a 30% chance of catastrophic success. This is the button, right?" she asked smiling, reaching out to touch it.

"No, no, no, no!" he said. There was someone in there!

An indiscriminant scream was heard. The man went flying across the field, through the field goal, and into the net behind it.

"You know, I try to make it a habit of not touching carny folk, but fella…I'll take it!" she said enthusiastically shaking his hand. "You got a smaller one?"

"I'll check stock," he promised.

Sue looked to the heavens.

"I'm back," she said to Becky, giving her a side-hug.

* * *

><p>Artie was outside the cafeteria door, surrounded by jocks.<p>

"So I was going through my bucket list, and I noticed that you're the only Glee loser that I haven't slushied yet," said Azimio.

"Damn near broke his heart," said Karofsky sarcastically.

"Well, what about the moral implications of abusing a kid in a wheelchair?" asked Artie hopefully.

"I say, equal opportunity for all," said Azimio.

Each jock took a turn at slushy-ing poor Artie. Twice.

* * *

><p>"This stuff between the jocks and the Glee club has been going on since I started running the club," said Mr. Schuester. He and Coach Beiste were eating lunch together.<p>

"Maybe. It just seems like it's so much worse right now. I've won division championships at three different schools. You have to understand what winning means to a community. Grades go up, the streets are cleaner, crime goes down. It's a sense of pride, of unity. And this school deserves that," she said passionately.

"And you are going to get it for us. I mean, you won almost every game this year," responded Will.

"Winning conference was easy. The team we're up against for championship—they're much better than us. If you don't have the talent, you rely on the chemistry. They don't have to like each other, but they have to respect each other," she said.

"This whole thing is just so weird. I mean, half of your starters are in my Glee club," said Will.

"I just don't know what to do," said Coach Beiste sadly.

At that moment, a light bulb went off.

"Do you trust me?" asked Will.

"You're not going to try and kiss me again, are you?" she asked jokingly.

"If you trust me, I think I know a way to get your team united again," said Mr. Schuester. It was a crazy plan, but it just might work.

* * *

><p>Mike and Tina were practicing dance moves. Rachel, Lauren, and Mercedes conversed in the back, as did Santana and Britt. Finn looked at the piano, and Sam was re-reading his text from Kurt and smiling like a buffoon.<p>

Artie came in, still covered in slush.

"Artie!" exclaimed Tina. Brittany ran to her boyfriend.

"It was awful…" said the poor boy. He was shivering and traumatized.

"That's it! Screw rehearsal! This ends here and now!" yelled Finn, standing and walking to the door. Puck, Sam, and Mike quickly joined him. Nobody messed with Artie. Nobody. "We're gonna go all Thunderdom on those guys!"

As they reached the door, they found none other than the jocks walking through it.

"So this is what the ladies lounge looks like on the inside," said one of the jocks.

"This is the choir room. Now, put up your fists because you and I are gonna do some dancing," said Sam through clenched teeth. He'd never really gotten over Kurt going to Dalton, and here was his chance to get it out. And kick their asses for hurting Artie, of course.

"No, I got this, Sam," said Finn, putting a hand on his chest to stop him.

"Coach Beiste told us to come. Where is she?" asked Karofsky.

"Everyone, have a seat," said the lady of the hour.

"You too guys," said Mr. Schuester.

"All right, New Directions! Let's give a warm welcome to the newest members of the Glee club," he said.

The room exploded. There was a collective gasp of "WHAT?" and general chaos ensued.

"Oh, hell to the no, Mr. Schue!" screamed Mercedes.

"Hey! Come on!" said Will.

"Guys! Hey!" shouted Coach Beiste.

"Mr. Schue, are you serious? These are the guys that made Kurt transfer!" exclaimed Finn angrily, standing on a chair. Sam clenched his fists.

"And there's no way that I'm sharing the choir room with a known homophobe," said Rachel, pointing at Karofsky angrily. She cared about her dads.

"I don't disagree with you guys. But I talked to Coach Beiste about it, and she and I both agreed that the kind of bullying that David does is born out of ignorance. Having him in here, as difficult as it may be for us, is an opportunity to show him and the rest of the guys that being in Glee club is kind of cool—find some common ground," said Mr. Schuester with authority.

Coach Beiste turned to her players. "All of you are going to be in this Glee club for one week, no exceptions."

"She's bluffing—next week is the championship game. Without us, she has no team," said Karofsky confidently.

"With you, I have no team! You guys have gotta find a way to come together or we're going to get our asses kicked from here until Tuesday finds a saddlebag full of buckwheat," she replied.

For once, Brittany was not the only one confused at an allusion. Even Rachel scrunched up her face.

"If I have to stay, I'm not singing no show tunes. That is the music of my oppressors," said Azimio loudly. The rest of the team agreed.

"Do you even have any idea what we do in here?" asked Finn caustically.

"No. None of them do. We have to show them. Rachel, Puck, haven't you guys been working on something? Why don't you give it a whirl?" asked Mr. Schue.

"Fine. As offended as I am by their presence here, I won't let anything get in the way of a performance," she said as Puck took off his jacket.

The two went to the front of the room. Puck grabbed a guitar, and the band struck up the notes behind him. Rachel started.

/Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor.  
>Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore.

Puck joined in.

|And I wonder if I ever cross your mind;|  
>For me it happens all the time./

|It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone, and I need you now.  
>Said I wouldn't call, but I've lost all control and I need you now.<br>And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.|

Puck took over the next verse.

\Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door,  
>Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.\<p>

|And I wonder if I ever cross your mind;|  
>\For me it happens all the time.\<p>

The two split the chorus.

/It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now./

Sam began to tear up**. God, he missed Kurt. He took his phone out and texted the fashionista as much (gracefully leaving out the tears).

\And I said I wouldn't call, but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.  
>|And I don't know how I can do without; I just need you now!|<p>

The music faded out. Puck and Rachel smiled at each other happily.

Finn looked depressed.

For the most part, the jocks clapped.

"The girl with the mohawk had a really nice voice," said Azimio sarcastically.

"Funny. Yeah, man. That's good," said Puck calmly as he took his guitar off. He then proceeded to run across the room and attempt to bludgeon Azimio to death.

The room exploded into noise and violence. The band kids and Brad looked on in horror.

"Great first day, right?" asked Mr. Schue.

"Awesome," replied The Beiste as she held onto Puck.

* * *

><p>Finn stared at the football trophy case, and Noah walked up t o meet him.<p>

"Hey."

"Hey."

There was silence for a moment.

"We used to be best friends…before I got your girlfriend pregnant, and then made out with your other girlfriend and…" Puck drifted off, realizing it wasn't helpful.

"Yeah," replied Finn.

"Anyways…I gotta be honest," said Puck

_Oh, that bastard. He went and got Rachel pregnant!_ thought Finn.

"I really want to win this game, and I figure it's the only way us Glee studs are gonna get any respect around here," said Puck.

"What's your point?" asked Finn. He was frustrated.

"My point is that none of that's gonna happen unless you and I become allies again, like Maverick and Iceman at the end of Top Gun," finished Puck.

"So why'd you sing that duet with Rachel?" asked Finn.

[FLASHBACK]  
>Puck was in the choir room. Contrary to popular belief, as much as he seemed aloof, he loved Glee.<p>

"I need you to do this number with me to make Finn jealous," she said as she entered the room.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"Nothing like that will ever happen again," said Puck. "You lead, and I got your back. We need to win this championship and become legends.

Finn thought about it. Finally, he stuck out his hand for knucks.

* * *

><p>Out on the field, Coach Sylvester was literally caressing her baby.<p>

"Ladies, my 'Sue-clear' Weapon," she said happily. "Becky."

"Yes coach," said the girl, and smashed a bottle of champagne upon its side.

"Brittany…climb on up. Congratulations. You're doing this stunt for the big competition," said Coach Sue.

"…I don't want to die yet…" said Britt sadly. "At least not until One Tree Hill gets cancelled."

"Fine. Put your toddler, fist-sized mind at ease, we'll do one final test run," said Sue, as some of the girls put a mannequin into the cannon.

Which then proceeded to shred it into approximately 8 pieces. There were bits of plastic strewn about the field.

"Any of you take German?" she asked. "I may have to read the owner's manual…"

Brittany picked up the severed, detonated head.

"Don't worry, I'll talk to Mr. Schue, and take care of this," said Quinn kindly to her friend.

* * *

><p>"Sue, what the hell were you thinking? You cannot perform a stunt that dangerous! Our insurance premium is through the roof as it is!" said Principal Figgins loudly.<p>

"Cheerleading is a sport. There are dangers involved, the same as when a quarterback is sacked, or a hockey player is slammed up against the boards—" she said in monotone, before she was interrupted.

"Enough, Sue. There is no excuse for putting a student's life at risk," said Mr. Schuester.

"I'm a tastemaker, Will. I know what an audience wants. You are not going to take this away from me. I need this. This level of risk and danger makes me feel alive again!" she replied.

"But the risk and danger isn't to you!" exclaimed Figgins.

"That's the best part—"

"Enough. It's decided. You are not allowed to fire anyone out of that cannon without their consent!" Interjected Figgins, cutting her off.

Sue left in a violent whirl, destroying everything in her path as she left. She attacked the office and it's inhabitant before moving on to the rest of the school. Will's eyes were the size of saucers.

"It's coming out of you paycheck—every penny of it!" said Mr. Figgins.

She began to attack students.

"Oh, God!" cried Figgins.

"It's a lawsuit…" said a stunned William.

* * *

><p>Later on that day, Mr. Schuester was in the locker room, telling the story to Coach Beiste.<p>

"…I'm telling you, I wish you could have seen it," he enthused.

The door swung open, and Sue came through, throwing every object conceivable around the locker room.

"Sort of like that," said Will.

"What the hell are you doing?" asked Coach Beiste.

"I'm sending a message," she replied. "Sue Sylvester's done playing nice. I just got off the phone with the Ohio Cheerleading Board, and they accepted my request to move my regional to the same night as your championship game. Congratulations. You just lost your halftime show and the cheerleaders."

She then swept everything off Coach Beiste's desk and left the room.

"Sue!" exclaimed Mr. Schuester, but it was of no use. Shannon sighed heavily.

"What the crap are we gonna do now?" she asked.

The two thought in silence for a few minutes.

"I got it," said Mr. Schue.

* * *

><p>Later on in Glee, things were rather tense.<p>

"No frickin' way!" exclaimed Karofsky.

"We don't have a choice. Sue pulled the Cheerios from the game, so if we don't do it, there's not halftime show.

"And this is a problem because…?" asked Lauren.

"It's not a problem. It's an opportunity," said Coach Beiste.

"Opportunity to humiliate ourselves," replied one of the jocks.

"Hey! The whole point of this week was to bring you guys together; to bring the school together," replied Shannon.

"Wait—so you want us to play the first half, change into some 'Sequeen' ball gowns, and then go out and do the halftime show at our own championship game?" asked Azimio incredulously.

"Yes."

"It's the championship game!" yelled the footballer. "This is a crazy town. Crazy."

"What about the Cheerios in Glee club?" asked Finn.

"They have a choice," said Will. "Us, or the Cheerios competition."

"Well, obviously, Quinn is gonna choose the Cheerios! I mean…" said Rachel before Finn cut her off, therefore averting the girl fight that would undoubtedly blow up.

"Well, that's not fair. You don't know what she's gonna do," said Finn kindly.

"I think the cheerleading competition is gonna be a lot of fun, but if you go, you're gonna miss out on us doing the most iconic song of all time. The Super Bowl of pop anthems—'Thriller,'" said Mr. Schue to the entire group.

Sam's head slumped. He hated that song, but he clapped anyway.

"Yeah, remember a few years ago when that Philippine prison did that mega performance of 'Thriller' and put it on YouTube? Well in the four months it took to rehearse that number, prisoner-on-prisoner crime dropped 80%. Doing that, together, as a team, created a unity within that prison. And that's what I'm looking to do here," said Mr. Schue.

"I mean, don't get me wrong, you know—I'm big on Michael and everything—but isn't that kind of what they're expecting us to do?" asked Mercedes.

"Which is why we're gonna mash it together with the Yeah Yeah Yeah's equally spooky single 'Heads Will Roll,'" replied their teacher.

The members of New Directions freaked out in excitement, and began to whisper and chatter. Sam texted Kurt, then added "Jealous?" to the end of it and sent it.

"Who's Yeah Yeah Yeah?" asked Azimio. _God, that boy has less taste than plain tofu_ thought Sam.

"All right. New Directions, Titans, we're going to Zombie Camp," said Coach Beiste, blowing her whistle.

* * *

><p>Inside the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, all was not well.<p>

"5, 6, 7, 8!" called out Will.

The dancers moved out of sync and all over the place.

"Okay, guys, it's good, but let's…put a life into it," he said.

"But we're dead," said Karofsky, obtuse as ever.

"Then put some afterlife into it. Get out of your heads and get into your characters, all right?" said Mr. Schue.

Sam wandered around stage, making relatively accurate zombie noises. He had a great deal of experience. He'd loved 28 Days and Weeks Later, Evil Dead, Dead Alive, Zombieland…you name it, he'd seen it, and bought the DVD. Well, Blu-Ray, but to everyone but him at McKinley they were the same thing. _Way to remind yourself of Kurt, dumbass. You already think of him 24/7._

"Very Creative. I like that," said Mr. Schue.

Mike pretended his own arm was choking him.

After a short time, Mr. Schue tried again.

"5, 6, 7, 8!"

They managed to stay in rhythm and on the beat. He was impressed.

"Nice progress, guys! Now let's take a breather, and I'll see you in the choir room in 5 minutes for a lesson in zombie make-up," he said.

"Make-up! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" said Azimio.

"Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" said Beiste.

"Hey, Dave," said Mr. Schuester quietly, pulling him aside. "Talk to you for a second?"

"Look, I know I'm bad. Can you just spare me, so we can get through this?" he asked.

"That's not what I was going to say at all. You're actually really good. If you took that energy you used bullying people and put it into this, you'd be one of the most talented guys in the school. Just think about it," said Mr. Schuester sincerely.

* * *

><p>Everyone was getting into their zombie costumes and make-up. The guys were helping the football players, with two exceptions.<p>

Sam applied his own make-up, because Kurt had taught him how. _Let's face it; it's a skill I'd have to learn anyway, if he gets into showbiz_.

Finn applied his own make-up, but it was more because he didn't want any help.

Karofsky walked up to him.

"Hey. I need to talk to you," he said to Finn.

"Can we not fight, just for one day? Man, it's already hard enough not to kick you in the nuts every time I see you," said the quarterback.

"You think maybe we should do a warm-up number or something before we do that big 'Thriller' thing at halftime?" asked Karofsky. "You know, I figure the only way I'm gonna keep any street cred around here after dancing around like an idiot in front of the whole school is if we kick ass at it."

Finn was shocked.

"Uh…yeah…couldn't agree more," he replied. The two shared an uneasy look; one full of sorrow and regret, the other of cautious optimism.

As Karofsky turned and walked away, a smile, barely more than the twitch of a lip, graced his face.

* * *

><p>Quinn, Santana and Britt were in the girls bathroom, taking their make-up off.<p>

"Zombie camp was funner than I expected. And the Glee club together with the football team—it's like a double rainbow. A zombie double rainbow," said Brittany.

"What the hell are we gonna do?" asked Quinn desperately. "If we go to our cheerleading competition then we miss the halftime show, and we're out of Glee club. I'm torn," admitted Quinn.

"Oh, I'm not," said Santana.

"I'm Brittany," said the true blonde.

At that moment, Coach Sylvester walked out of a stall.

"Couldn't help but overhear your conversation," said the Coach.

Quinn spun around.

"What were you doing in there?" she asked, her tone accusatory in nature.

"Enjoying the eavesdropping afforded me by the Swiss-timepiece regularity and utter silence of my 2:00 p.m. ninja poops. Well, I typed these up for you ladies, requiring your signature, tendering your resignation from the Glee club. Oh, and Brittany, here's a not for you, handwritten and in crayon from the Human Cannon, saying how much it misses you," said Coach Sylvester.

"Coach, that cannon is going to get Brittany killed. Is it really worth it just to win a stupid national championship?" asked Quinn.

"Seventh consecutive stupid national championship," she said proudly.

"This is ridiculous," responded Quinn.

"You had quite a year last year, Q. And as I recall, you didn't have such a good time out of that Cheerios uniform. Ladies I am giving you the chance, right now, to choose once and for all where your true loyalties lie. Choose the Cheerios, or choose the Glee club," she said, and stormed out.

* * *

><p>Mr. Schuester was in his office, correcting papers when he saw his three Cheerio students. This was not good. In fact, this was the opposite of good. This was going to be awful.<p>

They handed him a slip of paper.

* * *

><p>"How the hell could you do this?" asked Finn furiously of his ex-girlfriend.<p>

"Oh, don't get all up in my face, Finn. What were we supposed to do?" she countered.

"Uh, quit Cheerios! Coach Sylvester is awful to you guys. And don't forget who was there for you the last time she dumped you on your ass—us, the Glee club," responded Finn.

"And you don't think that I feel awful about that?"

"You don't need to be a Cheerio to be cool," said Finn.

"Oh, you are so naïve. This whole school is about labels."

"Wow. I never realized you were so freakin' weak."

"Oh, I…" Quinn was about to continue, but she was interrupted.

"Hey, what did you just say?" asked Sam.

"All the Cheerios quit Glee club," replied Finn.

Sam looked at her, eyes wide. Oh.

Finn looked back at Quinn.

"So what are you going to do?" he asked.

"This," she replied, and reached out to slap him, but her hand was caught by Will.

"Enough! How many fights am I going to have to break up this week? Now get back to Glee club!" he ordered of Finn and Sam.

"Hope to see you there," called Finn over his shoulder.

Quinn felt like she was going to break into a million little pieces.

* * *

><p>Back in the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, the remainder of the Glee club and the football team were singing and dancing. Finn began.<p>

/Well, no one told me about her—/  
>|The way she lied.|<br>/Well, no one told me about her!/  
>|How many people cried.|<p>

|Well, it's too late to say you're sorry,  
>How would I know? Why should I care?<br>Please don't bother trying to find here,  
>She's not there!|<p>

|Well, let me tell you about the way she looked,  
>The way she acted, the color of her hair!<br>Her voice is soft and cool, her eyes are clear and bright,  
>But she's not there!|<p>

During the interlude, the group made various zombie motions and sounds to go along with it.

/Well, no one told me about her,/  
>|What could I do?|<br>/Well, no one told me about her,/  
>|Though they all knew.|<p>

|Well, it's too late to say you're sorry,  
>How would I know? Why should I care?<br>Please don't bother trying to find here,  
>She's not there!|<p>

|Well, let me tell you about the way she looked,  
>The way she acted, the color of her hair!<br>Her voice is soft and cool, her eyes are clear and bright,  
>But she's not there!|<p>

As the song finished, they got a standing ovation from the guys.

"Wow, guys. Real good," said Mr. Schue. He threw a look back to the Beiste, who nodded.

"AWESOME!" he exclaimed. There was much rejoicing. "Seriously. All of you football players nailing that Zombies classic on the first time out. I am impressed."

Sam immediately thought about the word nailing once he heard it, and his mind went to a far dirtier place, where Kurt was writing and moaning and…

_Goddamn it. Now I need a cold shower._

* * *

><p>As the football guys strutted down the hall after Glee, all still in zombie make-up, they ran into trouble, of the T-R-U-B-L variety. Or, as they are better known, the hockey team. All of whom bore slushies.<p>

"Appropriate outifits. They represent the death of your guyses' reign at this school," said their leader.

"How many times do we have to put you puckheads in your place before you realize that football rules this school?" asked Finn.

"Maybe, but not after you make dancing fools of yourself at that halftime show. Finn looked at Sam. How did they know? "You know it, we know it, the whole school knows it."

"They'll think different after they see it," said a grinning Karofsky. "It's gonna be awesome."

"Holy crap. They turned Karofsky gay," said their leader.

"What are you moose-knuckles doing with those slushies?" asked Dave.

"Ready for the fireworks?" asked the hockey captain. "It's independence day.

Then the football team was set upon by a rain of ice and high fructose corn syrup.

* * *

><p>"Oh, my eyes! It's burning!" screamed Karofsky in the shower.<p>

Just relax; it stops after a couple hours," said Finn, his voice full of enthusiasm.

"No frickin' way I'm letting that happen again," said the bully.

"He's in the first stage of loserdom: denial," said Artie.

"No! I am not a loser. And I don't sing and dance. I walk tall and carry a big stick," said the jock.

"Dude, relax…this is gonna be fine," said Finn, trying to comfort him.

"Yeah, of course it is. 'Cause I'm quitting Glee club," said Karofsky.

"No you're not. Fact is, covered in ice and red dye number seven, you guys look more like a team than you ever have out on that field," said Coach Beiste as she walked around the corner.

"I don't care. I'm out," said Karofsky.

"Then you're off the team," she replied.

"No way," he said. "Yeah. If we all quit, you barely have enough guys to play next week. It's the championship game. You're not going to throw it away," said Karofsky confidently.

"Try me," she threatened, her voice low.

"Don't do this," said Finn. "If we stand together, and we do the halftime show, we can win this game and be kings in this place."

Karofsky glanced at some of the other players. Azimio and another shook their heads. He nodded. "Good luck with that," he said, storming out with the rest of the football team.

* * *

><p>Over the river and through the woods at Dalton, things were a different story. Kurt and Blaine had gone out for coffee after rehearsal. They'd been practicing the song, 'Bills, Bills, Bills', and rehearsal had gone remarkably well. Rachel and Mercedes had joined them.<p>

"Medium drip," said Kurt, passing his coffee on to his friend.

Friend?

Kurt thought the word would suffice. Blaine would come to him when he wanted to, and Kurt would typically go along with whatever whim the other musician had, if for no other reason than to have someone to talk to at school.

"Now, I don't want to sound cocky or anything, but you guys better be pulling out all the stops for Regionals, because the number we just rehearsed is so off-the-hook, it's dangerous," said Blaine. Even trying to not sound arrogant, he sounded arrogant.

"Seriously. People should wear protective headgear while they're watching it," joked Kurt.

Mercedes and Rachel exchanged a look.

"Guys, we're kidding…" said Kurt. He knew he'd gone too far.

"Yeah, well, it's just hard to laugh right now with everything going on at McKinley," said Rachel.

"I mean, look at us, the stars of two rival show choirs sitting down to coffee—our school is so messed up, we can't even keep our own football team together," added Mercedes.

"It's so sad, you guys. Coach Beiste and Mr. Schue were so close to getting everyone at the school together," finished Rachel.

"Why hasn't Finn told me anything about this? I mean, we live together. I mean, I bring him a glass of warm milk every night, just in the hopes that we'll have a little lady-chat," responded Kurt sadly.

"Warm milk? Really?" asked Blaine critically.

"It's delicious," said Kurt. _Leave my damn milk alone, asshole_.

"Finn's too proud to complain. He feels like he has to be strong for everyone, but I know it's just killing him inside. I hope he realizes that, you know, if he and I were still together, I could make him feel a lot better, you know," said Rachel.

Kurt knew he needed to end this, no matter how cruel it may be.

"Let it go, Rachel…" he said gently.

She flustered for a moment.

"I…I just wish that there was a way that we could help. That's all," she said sadly.

"Yeah, and the worst part is how bummed the guys are. I mean, they already suffer enough abuse just being in Glee. I really think winning the game could have eased some of the pressure, at least for a little while," said 'Cedes.

"Wait, so the whole team quit?" asked Blaine, clarifying.

"Everybody not in Glee. I mean, you can't play football with five guys," she responded. "And one of them is in a wheelchair."

"Yeah, Coach Beiste put up a sign-up sheet for people to join. I think they'll take anyone at this point," said Rachel.

"Well, the good news is, you actually only need four more guys," said Blaine. Kurt remembered why he hung out with him; instances like these. "High school regulations actually let you play a couple guys short, if you want. But if they figure out a way to make it work, you can bet that we'll definitely be there to cheer them on," finished Blaine.

"Totally. Blaine loves football. I love scarves!" said Kurt. Then he remembered what he needed to get Sam for Christmas. He'd been so shocked by the ring that he'd never gotten one for his crush.

* * *

><p>Coach Beiste and Mr. Schuester stared at the empty signup sheet for the Titans.<p>

"I cut 30 guys when we had tryouts at the beginning of the season. You're telling me not one of those guys wants to play?" asked Shannon.

"It's like crossing a picket line; nobody wants to be a scab," said Will.

"I guess we should go break it to them, huh?" asked the Coach rhetorically.

"Why can't we just let them back on the team, just for this one game?" asked Sam, somewhat confused.

"No. We carry this thing through. Even if it means forfeiting the game," said Coach Beiste sadly.

"I can't believe this is it," said Finn sadly. Mr. Schue looked at him, and saw a great deal of pain in his eyes.

Rachel opened her mouth to speak, then closed it, and looked at Mercedes. Her friend nodded. Rachel did too, and smiled.

"Maybe it isn't…" said Rachel, standing and walking to the center of the room. "We want to join the team."

Finn covered his face with his hands

"We who?" asked Artie skeptically.

"All of us Glee girls," said Mercedes, walking to the front of the room. "We want to join the football team, and we want to play in the championship."

"Come on, guys. Stop screwing around. It's not cool," said Mike. He was irritated.

"What's not cool is you guys not respecting women enough to realize we're perfectly capable of playing football," said Lauren to Mike. "And don't forget who the state champ in Greco-Roman wrestling is. I've got offers from three different professional wrestling organizations for after I graduate, so…" she drifted off.

Puck looked at her, and his mouth watered. He wanted her so much.

That was it. Mr. Schuester was done with this.

"Rachel, have you actually seen a tackle football game?" he asked "When they tackle you, it hurts."

"Yeah, and not in the good, Mellencamp way," added Puck.

"We thought about that. But the truth is that you guys don't really need us to play. You just need enough players out there to field a regulation team," pointed out Rachel. "So when they snap the ball, we're just going to lie down on the ground. We're just going to lie there."

"Well I'm not," pointed out Zizes. "I'm gonna bring the pain…"

"I guess they won't get hurt if you stay down," pointed out the Coach.

"Okay, what do your parents have to say about this?" asked Will.

"We all have signed permission slips from them," said Tina smugly. "It took some convincing, but they understood what it means to all of us."

"What do you think, Coach?" asked Mr. Schue.

"I think…welcome to the football team," she said happily. The room exploded, as it was wont to do, and there was much rejoicing.

Sam was thrilled. He got to play! He gave high fives to all the girls.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Brittany sat in Coach Sylvester's office, as the shark circled its prey.<p>

"I just don't want to die," she said sadly.

"You don't climb in that cannon, and that routine will be all 'Boom boom', and no 'pow'. And that, Brittany, is so 2000 and late. Here's your consent form. And as you ponder your decision, I ask that you remember that that cannon has two little baby twin cannons at home, and one more on the way. And if you refuse to sign this, well, those little baby cannons might just go hungry," said Sue, manipulating her student like a puppet.

"Baby cannons?" asked Brittany.

"And the mama cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can't work," said Sue. Brittany looked hesitant, so she sucker punched the last line. "Do you want us to win, or don't you?" she asked.

Brittany finally took the pen. "How many M's are there in the letter R?"

"Make an X," instructed the Coach.

* * *

><p>That night, there was a knocking upon the door of the Hummel-Hudson household.<p>

"I'll get it!" yelled Kurt. He didn't want his father to strain himself. He opened the door, and found…Sam?

There was silence for a moment, then both boys broke into brilliant smiles.

Sam thought Kurt was positively beautiful. He had on a set of pajama pants made out of something shimmery and blue, and a light blue t-shirt to match.

"Sam...Not that I'm unhappy to see you, but what are you doing here?" asked Kurt quietly.

Sam blushed, and brought one hand to the back of his neck in embarrassment.

"I…I just wanted to see you, that's all. I'll leave now," he said sadly, turning to go.

"Sam, that's not what I meant!" said Kurt. Sam turned to look at Kurt, hands in his pockets.

_He's so adorable_ thought Kurt happily. Sam ran back up to the doorstep. One of his hands had been on the opposite side of his body from Kurt the entire time.

"Sam, what are you holding?" he asked.

Sam blushed harder.

"Well, I guess…there's this tradition where the guys give their jerseys to their girlfriends on the night of big games for them to wear, and I just thought…" he drifted off, quietly.

Kurt beamed.

"You thought…" he said teasingly. He was going to make Sam say it.

"Because we like each other, and I'd like you to have it," Sam said blushing.

Kurt took a look at it. It would be huge on him. It said "Evans" on the back, with the number 6 on both sides. He held it close to his chest, and his eyes began to swell with tears.

"Sam…thank you…" he said, knowing if he kept going, he'd cry.

Sam, on the other hand, was about to have a panic attack. He'd just given his extra to the boy who liked, maybe even loved him, and he'd started crying. What did he do wrong?

"Hey, kiddo, what's wrong?" he asked.

Kurt shook his head.

"I just never thought I-I could be so lucky," he said, smiling into Sam's face.

The blonde pulled him into a huge hug, picked him up and spun him around.

"Sam, put me down!" he cried.

Sam just laughed, and did so.

"Did you want to come in…?" asked Kurt.

"Ah, no," said Sam, then realized he'd said the wrong thing when Kurt's face fell. "No, not like that, I've just gotta go so I can make it home on time for my curfew."

Kurt smiled a small smiled.

"Well thank you, Samuel Evans. I'll wear this to the game. Is that okay?" asked Kurt hesitantly.

"That's why I gave it to you, silly," said Sam, and ruffled Kurt's hair.

Kurt gave him the death glare.

Sam laughed. The atmosphere changed, back to the one that had happened that night on Mr. Schuester's porch.

The two felt the magnetic pull, only stronger this time. They drew closer together, and then…

"Kurt, who is that!" asked/exclaimed his father.

Sam knew he was going to panic. His pupils dilated, the whites of his eyes became more prominent, and he began to hyperventilate.

Kurt grabbed his arms, and forced Sam to look him in the eye.

"Sam, you need to breathe. Relax, and breathe. Slowly, count back from ten like I told you…good," finished Kurt when Sam had calmed down to a reasonable level. "Go home, I'll text you later," he said, shooting his father a death glare. This time it actually worked, and Burt retreated into their home.

* * *

><p>Friday night finally rolled around, and the guys couldn't be more excited. Kurt sat in the stands with Carole and Burt. Blaine ended up not coming, saying he had to rehearse something. Kurt really didn't care. He wore Sam's jersey. No one had noticed or said anything, remarkably.<p>

Finn looked out across the field. He had a good feeling. The other football players walked up.

_Never mind…_

"You know it's not too late," said Finn to them.

"To commit social suicide? How the hell you going to play with five guys, huh?" asked Karofsky with a sneer.

Finn looked up, and saw the girls. So did the rest of the guys.

"You have got to be kidding me," said Karofsky.

"What the hell are they doing?" asked Azimio.

"What you don't have the balls to do," replied Finn. As he walked away, Azimio muttered "stupid" under his breath. The girls were excited to play.

The first play was a miserable failure. There was an interception, which led to a touchdown, then another touchdown and a field goal, the game was starting to look worse for McKinley.

They huddled together.

"Alright. How's everyone doing?" asked Finn.

"Kill me now, I'm gonna die," said Mercedes, panting and out of breath.

"Is anyone else tired of lying down all the time? I want to play" said Tina.

"Just don't get ahead of yourself, okay?" said Finn. "Ready? Break!"

The play began, but the team got blitzed. There was the ball, sitting there. Tina stood and grabbed it, running for her dear life. She made it almost all the way down the field before she was tackled. She wasn't moving or getting up. The medics ran onto the field.

"Tina!" Mike exclaimed. He looked at the medic. "Is she breathing?"

The medic shined the pen light to determine if she had a concussion, when Tina said, "Did we win?" The whole team smiled. She made it, but barely.

"Come on, we can still win this!" shouted Finn.

"Oh, give it up, Finn. Our only chance at redemption is to kick butt at the halftime show," said Rachel.

"Sam! Come here," called out Finn. The boy ran over to him. Kurt may or may not have been staring at Sam's ass in football pants.

"I need you to play quarterback for the rest of the half," said Finn.

"Okay," said Sam, a little dazed.

"Puck, when the half ends, you gotta go convince Karofsky and the rest of the guys to do the halftime show with us."

"How the hell am I supposed to do that?" asked Puck.

"Figure it out. You're my wingman, right?" responded Finn.

"I got tone, Mav," replied Puck.

"Where are you going?" asked Rachel, confused.

"Can't have a halftime show without cheerleaders," said Finn.

He ran off.

* * *

><p>As Brittany stared at the massive cannon, Quinn and Santana walked up to her (and it).<p>

"I'm gonna die," said the dancer sadly.

"It'll be worth it," joked Santana.

Quinn glared at her.

"Hey!" shouted Finn.

"What are you doing here?" asked Quinn.

"Stopping you from going to Sue's Regionals competition," responded Finn. "You guys got to come to the game with me."

"Haven't you been paying attention? If we're not Cheerios, we're nothing," said Quinn.

"You think that, but it's not true. You joined Cheerios to be popular, but you joined Glee club because you loved it. Sue doesn't care about you guys. She's fine killing Brittany. Tell me honestly, if you didn't think it would hurt your reputation, which would you choose?" asked Finn.

"Glee club," responded Britt.

He nodded, and turned to Quinn.

"I know you, and you don't think you are, but you're strong enough to do this," said Finn.

Quinn nodded, holding in tears. "Okay."

"Okay?" confirmed Finn. "What about you, Santana?"

"Screw her—she put me on the bottom of the pyramid," said Santana. Finn smiled.

"Come on, we've only got a few minutes," he said. As they turned to leave, they heard a voice.

"No time for a foursome, ladies. Bus leaves in 5," said Sue.

"We quit Cheerios," said Quinn confidently. Finn was right. She could do this.

"You can't quit Cheerios. It's blood in, blood out. Now get your sweet little cans on that bus," said Sue threateningly.

"But we still quit," said Santana.

They began to walk away.

"But you're my stars! If you leave, I have no performance!" she screamed.

Brittany turned around this time. "Sucks for you."

* * *

><p>As Finn arrived back with the Cheerios in hand, the guys got on their makeup, and the show began. The zombies stood in a field of smoke.<p>

The girls began.

|Off with your head!  
>D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead!<br>Off, off, off, off with your head!  
>D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead!<br>Off, off, off, off with your head!|

Artie started the verse.

/It's close to midnight,  
>And something evil's lurking in the dark.<br>Under the moonlight,  
>You see a sight that almost stops your heart.

|You try to scream,  
>But terror takes the<br>Sound before you make it!  
>Heads will roll! Heads will roll!<br>You start to freeze,  
>As horror looks you right between the eyes,<br>You're paralyzed.  
>Cause this is Thriller,<br>Thriller night!  
>And no one's gonna save you<br>From the beast about to strike.  
>You know it's thriller,<br>Thriller night!  
>You're fighting for your life<br>Inside a killer, thriller, tonight!|

At these notes, Karofsky threw his jersey on and jumped in on the action.

|Off with your head!  
>Just dance, dance, dance, till you're dead!<br>Off, off, off, off with your head!  
>D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead!<p>

Finn took the dark solo.

\Darkness falls across the land,  
>The midnight hour is close at hand.<br>Creatures crawl in search of blood.  
>To terrorize y'all's neighborhood.\<br>|Off with your head!|  
>\And though you fight to stay alive,<br>|Dance till you're dead!|  
>\Your body starts to shiver.\<br>|Heads will roll! Heads will roll!|  
>\For no mere mortal can resist…<br>The evil of the thriller!\

The music stopped for a moment, and the applause was huge.

|Cause this is thriller,  
>Thriller night!<br>Girl, I can thrill you more than  
>Any ghost could ever dare try.<br>Thriller! Thriller night!  
>So let me hold you tight,<br>And share a killer, thriller!|

|Off with your head!  
>D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead!<br>Off, off, off, off with your head!  
>D-Dance, dance, dance till you're dead!<br>Off, off, off, off with your head!|

The stadium exploded. Everyone was "thrilled", and the reaction was definitely positive. Even Karofsky was dancing and having a good time.

* * *

><p>The boys all ran into the locker room, still on the high from the show.<p>

"Hey! What are you guys doing in here?" asked Coach Beiste.

"Oh, we were gonna take our zombie make-up off for the second half—it's kind of itchy.

"No. Leave it on. Maybe we'll freak out the other guys a little bit, and we need all the help we can get right now. Well get out there!" she said.

"All of us?" someone asked.

"Yeah, all of us," she responded.

They all ran out.

* * *

><p>The game went considerably better after they had a full, fresh team back. Even Karofsky was nice.<p>

In the end, there were just a few moments left, but the McKinley Titans pulled it off. With a little help from the stands, the Titans won.

Finn and Quinn looked at each other, and smiled.

Sam looked into the stands, and saw his jersey. He waved.

He ran into the stands, as Kurt ran down. They met in the middle. Sam picked the boy up and spun him around again. No one was watching; Sam had made sure of that.

They looked at each other with great longing. Sam smiled his 1000 watt smile, and though they didn't kiss, for they knew, just knew, that they would be interrupted, they did hug, tightly.

"Thank you, Kurt. I know you hate football, so it means a lot that you came," whispered Sam.

Kurt blushed at the inherent innuendo in the sentence.

"Yo-you're welcome," he replied.

The two boys held on for as long as possible, but Sam had to go so as not to arouse suspicion.

"I'll text you later," said Sam.

And indeed, he did.

* * *

><p>The next morning at school, Karofsky came up to Finn.<p>

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," responded the quarterback.

"Congrats on the MVP!"

"Oh, thanks," said Finn modestly. "It was a team effort. So, listen. There's no way the Glee club's gonna let you join permanently, until you clean things up with Kurt. So, I was thinking maybe we could go together to Dalton and apologize…" Finn was cut off.

"Who said I want to join the Glee club permanently?" asked Karofsky.

"I just thought after this week, and-and…the way we won the game and the way you came out to dance…"

"What do you think? We all dance around together and win a football game and everything's gonna change? Glee club's gonna be cool and we're all gonna sing hippie peace songs every morning?" asked Karofsky, his voice filled with venom and sarcasm.

"Maybe, I-I don't know. It's a start…"

"No, dude, it's a finish. Okay, this is high school. People's memories for god stuff lasts about as long as their Facebook status," said Karofsky.

"But we've got a chance to really change things here," responded Finn.

"I just won the conference championship. I'm on top. Why would I want to change things?" mocked Karofsky.

Finn turned away, depressed and beat down. There, in all her glory, stood Quinn. She wore a gray sundress.

"Hey," said Finn, his mind short-circuiting.

"Hey," she replied.

"Hi," said Finn.

"I never got a chance to thank you," said Quinn. "For helping me do the right thing," she said, clarifying.

"Aw, you would have come to it on your own soon enough," said Finn. "So, how does it feel being out of the uniform?"

"Weird. Did turn a couple of heads," she replied. He laughed. "You were amazing this week. On the field and off. Reminded me of why I loved you.

And then they were kissing, and the world fell away. It was brief, and it was sweet, but after Quinn pulled away, Finn still leaned forward, trying to keep in contact with her.

Then she walked away.

* * *

><p>Thanks guys! I hope you enjoyed this. I pulled an all nighter for you =). I have some errands to run, and I will post one more chapter tonight (late, though).<p>

Ah, yes, your notes.

*No fear, you can't get raccoon hormones on the American market. They aren't FDA approved. Horse hormones are, though!

**You only catch this for a split second while you're watching, but this is actual cannon. He almost sheds a tear. It made me want to go hug him.

Alrighty! That's how Sue 'C's it.

And if anyone catches the reference/allusions I've made to Monty Python, and to a musical, well, you should tell me you did by reviewing =). Thanks guys! I'll have one out tonight.

TTFN!


	9. 02x12: Silly Love Songs

Man, it took me forever to get through this. Sorry about the delay! I tried.

Dedicated to Sussiekitten and Nikkithedead.

The guide is as follows. _Italics_ are thought or narration during a flashback. [FLASHBACKS] occur in brackets. {Txt msgs} can be found in definite brackets. Forward and back slashes are single singers, while the absolute value symbol denotes a group. Asterisks denote footnotes, as I've found I'm needing them. It's less obtrusive than me writing (A/N), and interrupting the flow of the story.

I thought the title to this was a reference to Moulin Rouge. Anyone have the same thought?

Um, I think that's it. Ready?

On with it!

* * *

><p>Puck sat in class, thoroughly bored. He began to daydream, as he did frequently. He didn't even know what the hell subject he was in.<p>

_We all know I'm not the smartest guy in the world, but there are two lessons I learned the hard way. One: Never punch a cop. The other one? You can't choose love. Love chooses you. I mean, I could have any girl I wanted, but here I am, in the middle of geometry, or English, or something, and the only girl I've got my eye on is…a whole lot of woman_ thought Puck, staring at Lauren. She looked at him, and he began staring forward to throw her off, before daydreaming again. _I owe it all to Sectionals. We needed a twelfth member, and I told her if she joined the Glee club, I'd give her seven minutes in heaven. But what went down in that janitor's closet was epic…_

[FLASHBACK]  
>Puck was suddenly dragged into a closet, and thoroughly being molested. He couldn't tell who it is, except for the taste of chocolate, and the feel of her hands. At least, he thought it was a her. It wouldn't be too horrible, though, if it weren't. They were a good kisser.<p>

She pulled away, and it turned out to be none other than Lauren Zizes. She stared at him for a moment.

"You're really not good at this, and you're kind of scrawny," she said critically.

"You got to be kidding me," replied Puck.

She drew him back in, and they continued making out for a few moments more. Lauren shook her head.

"Yeah, you're not turning me on at all. Later, sad sack," she said, and turned to go.

"But that was only three minutes!" exclaimed Puck. He was turned on, dammit!

"Three minutes I'll never get back," she said, and left.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

_Maybe it's because she's constantly insulting me, like my mom. Maybe I just dig a chick with curves, but it's Valentine's day, and it's official…_he thought.

She walked up to him after class.

"Stare at me again, and I'll break your nuts. Also, these candies you gave me? They sucked," she said harshly.

"But you ate all of them," pointed out Puck. That had to mean something, right?

"I had to make sure they all sucked," she said, and continued on her way.

"I'm in love with Lauren Zizes…" said Puck, touched.

* * *

><p>Finn walked down the hall, smiling.<p>

_It's amazing what actually accomplishing something does to a person. I know what you're thinking—that they're all only into me because I won the first Conference Championship in this schools history, but I've changed. I'm walking taller, carrying a bigger stick, and using it to fight off the ladies!_ thought the quarter back.

"I love you, Finny-bear," said Becky.

"Thanks, Becky," he said. She handed him a little candy heart.  
>Oh!"<p>

"Be my valentine?" she asked.

"Awesome. I'll keep you posted," he said smiling.

"Copy that," she replied, and ran off.

_Yeah, I've been collecting a lot of hearts lately. Only question is, which one to choose?_ he thought, gazing at the bucket full of little candy hearts.

Finn looked out of his locker, and saw Quinn and Sam laughing about nothing in particular.

_Bingo. I just need to go for this. Maybe the reason it never really worked out with Rachel was because I was never over Quinn. I know if I can get her to kiss me again, she'll be mine. The ridiculous thing is that I could get every girl in this school to kiss me but her. Game on!_ he thought, slamming his locker with a smile.

* * *

><p>As Sam and Quinn chatted, he saw she was looking not at him anymore, and somewhere over his shoulder. He turned, and saw Finn staring at them, before he tried to cover and look into his locker. Sam crossed his arms.<p>

"You like him, don't you?" he teased, knowing she would get pissed.

She did, and flushed with embarrassment.

"Samuel Evans, if you do not shut up, I swear to God I will tell everyone about your action figure collection," she threatened. He gulped. She was serious.

"Okay, okay, fine. But keep me posted; I want details!" he said quietly.

She laughed, and smacked him in the arm.

"Go to class," she chided, and walked off.

Sam smiled, thinking about Kurt, and went in the opposite direction.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile at Dalton, Kurt was feeling miserable. He picked up a pillow with two puppies kissing on it.<p>

"Okay, I'm all for flair, but these Valentine Day decorations are just tacky," he commented sharply to Blaine. The two were out getting coffee. It had become a habit between them. "I mean, what the hell is this supposed to be?"

"It's clearly puppy love. It's cute. Come on," responded Blaine. The dogs made a smooching noise, before saying "I love you!"

"Oh, this is creepy," said Kurt, putting the toy down.

"Adorable," said Blaine.

"It's a simple excuse to sell candy and greeting cards on a holiday," replied Kurt. He whipped out his phone and texted Sam.

{Kurt}{If you buy me a teddy bear or other doll, I'm going to shoot you.}

"Not true. People have been celebrating Valentine's Day for centuries, and call me a hopeless romantic, but it's my favorite holiday," said Blaine happily.

Kurt's phone buzzed. "Really?" he asked flippantly. He looked at the screen.

{Sam}{2 L8. Sry, I saw 1 n thouht of u.}

The soprano sighed, as Blaine responded.

"I think there's something really great about a day where you're encouraged to just lay it all on the line, and say to somebody, 'I'm in love with you,'" said Blaine.

Kurt thought about Sam saying that to him, and then realized it would never happen. He didn't deserve it.

"And this year, I want to do something really radical, so I need your opinion on this," said Blaine, looking to Kurt for approval. The soprano nodded.

"Well, there's this guy that I sort of…like, and I've only known him for a little while, but I want to tell him that I think my feelings are starting to change into something…deeper. So I have to ask, do you think it's too much to sing to somebody on Valentine's Day?" asked Blaine, hoping his idea wasn't too farfetched.

"Not at all," said Kurt. He'd just imagined Sam singing to him, and it got him a little breathless.

The two stepped forward in line.

"What can I get you?" asked the Starbucks employee.

"Uh, a medium drip, and a Grande nonfat mocha for this guy, and maybe I can get him to split one of those Cupid cookies," said Blaine.

"You know my coffee order?" asked Kurt, a little perturbed and slightly weirded out. He immediately texted Sam.

{Kurt}{Is it weird that Blaine knows my coffee order?}

"Of course I do," said the baritone.

"That'll be $8.40," asked the employee.

Blaine whipped out his wallet, as Kurt began to dig for his.

"Don't even bother, dummy. It's on me," said Blaine. "Keep the change," he added. Kurt freaked out a little more.

{Kurt}{He just paid, too…}

Sam's reply was so dyslexic it was barely coherent. He knew it got worse when Sam was upset or angry, but this was the worst he'd ever seen.

{Sam}{whrre is tht prcik, im gunan klil him!}

Kurt smiled at how protective he was.

{Kurt}{Don't worry, Arthur. I'm no Guinevere. I'm not going to run off with Lancelot…}

Sam replied quickly.

{Sam}{dmna str8, or ill go Mrelin on his a$$}

Kurt laughed aloud, then went to go sit with Blaine for their morning coffee.

* * *

><p>In the cow town that was Lima, Mr. Schuester wrote one word on the board, and then circled it with a heart.<p>

"All right, guys, I have one word for you," he said.

Brittany raised her hand.

"Brittany," he called on her.

"Is it 'love'?" she asked. "I'm totally gonna graduate now!" Sam looked at her a little funny, for even though he'd been at McKinley since September, sometimes Britt still shocked him.

"Valentine's Day is coming up, so for this week's lesson, I want you guys to pick a partner, because you're going to sing to them what you think is the world's greatest love song," said Mr. Schuester. All the couples in the room hugged. Mercedes thought to herself, _kill me now!_ Sam checked his phone, to see if Kurt had texted him. "Yeah, find a song that communicates all the things that love means to you. Now, partner up."

"Mr. Schue, can I say something?" asked Finn. His teacher nodded. "I just wanted to point out that, for the first time, an entire week has gone by without any one of us getting slushied," he finished happily. "I think the fact that I led the football team to a Conference Championship might have something to do with it. Fact is that I'm the closest thing that this Glee club has to a celebrity right now," said Finn arrogantly. "And just like a famous athlete, I want to give to a charity. You guys."

The members of Glee looked at each other. When did Finn go off the deep end?

"So, I'm setting up a kissing booth. For a dollar a smooch, and donating the proceeds to Glee club to help us…" he was about to continue, when Mercedes interrupted him, much to everyone's relief.

"Don't even act like you're trying to help this Glee club out. You just want to kiss a bunch of girls." Tina began to laugh.

"I've kissed Finn, and can I just say? Not worth a buck," added Santana. Everyone giggled. "I would, however, pay a hundred dollars to jiggle one of his man-boobs."

"Do you ever get tired of tearing other people down?" asked Finn.

"No, not really," said Santana with a smile on her face. This was gonna be good.

"'Cause you always just seem to be meddling in everybody else's business," he criticized.

"Oh, please. You guys love me. I keep it real, and I'm hilarious," said Santana.

"Actually, you're just a bitch," interjected Lauren. The room had a collective gasp, with multiple "Whoa's" interspersed.

"Okay, I'm sorry. You've just got eyes for my man," replied Santana.

"Okay, first of all, I'm not your man," said Puck.

"And Finn is right. All you ever do is insult us. Three weeks ago, you said you were disappointed that I didn't have a lizard baby," added Quinn.

"Five minutes ago, you said Mr. Schue belonged in a 12-step program," criticized Tina.

"Wait, what?" said the teacher loudly.

"You're addicted to vests," replied Santana, rolling her eyes.

"The truth is, Santana, you can dish it out, but you can't take it. Okay, maybe you're right. Maybe I am destined to play the title role in the Broadway Musical version of Willow, but the only job you're going to have is working on a pole," said Rachel, her words far harsher than normal. She was emboldened by the group ragging on Santana, and she'd honestly had enough.

The room was silent.

Santana turned to face the front, her eyes clouding over.

"Fine," said the girl.

"Santana…" said Mr. Schuester as she ran out. Brittany followed to comfort her.

* * *

><p>"Maybe try rocking back and forth, people do that in movies," said the blonde.<p>

"No, 'cause I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think that they suck, you know? No one gets it!" said a sobbing Latina. She was broken.

"Yeah," replied Britt.

Zizes left the choir room and stopped at Puck's locker.

"I suppose you expect me to thank you for sticking up for me today, except that makes it seem like I need somebody to stick up for me, so…" trailed off the girl.

"Oh, no, no. Trust me. I-I know you don't need me to stick up for you. I mean, you're all kinds of tough…" he trailed off.

"It's true," she agreed.

"How about you let me take you to Breadstix for Valentine's Day?" he asked. She smiled.

"Do you seriously think it's that easy? I'm not desperate, so if you really want this, you best come correct, because I spell woman Z-I-Z-E-S, and I need to be wooed, you understand me? Wooed," she whispered the last bit.

"Damn…" said Puck. He just fell harder.

* * *

><p>Over in Dalton, Kurt was doodling in a notebook. He'd been writing and drawing "Sam + Kurt" themes and variations all afternoon.<p>

"Hey!" said Blaine, walking up to him. "Whatcha doing?"

Kurt slammed the notebook shut. He didn't want Blaine to know just how head-over-heels he was for the blonde jock.

"Nothing," he responded quickly. "Just, uh, daydreaming, texting, plotting weekend outfits," lied Kurt.

"Well, come on. You're going to want to see this. I've called an emergency meeting of the Warblers' Council," said Blaine nervously.

"Oh, sounds serious," replied Kurt.

"Let's hope not. I just need to ask them a tiny little favor…" trailed off the baritone.

* * *

><p>"This emergency meeting is called to order. Junior member Blaine Anderson, the floor is yours," said Wes, banging his gavel.<p>

"Esteemed council, I'll be brief. Simply put…I'm in love," he said. Catcalls, whistles and laughter ensued. "I'm not really good at talking about my feelings. I'm much better at singing them. But still, I could use a little help. Which is why I'm asking to enlist the Warblers to help serenade this individual…in song…off-campus," said Blaine.

At this, the room exploded. Even Pavarotti twittered anxiously.

"I-I know what I'm asking is slightly unusual…" said Blaine loudly, attempting to talk over the cacophony of voices.

"The Warblers haven't performed in an informal setting since 1927, when the Spirit of St. Louis overshot the tarmac and plowed through seven Warblers during an impromptu rendition of 'Welcome to Ohio, Lucky Lindy," said Wes sadly.

"Why would we even consider what you're asking?" asked David, looking for a logical justification.

"I firmly believe that our reticence to perform in public nearly cost us a trip to Regionals. We're becoming privileged, porcelain birds perched on a gilded shelf…" finished Blaine. The room erupted into chaos again.

"You mock us, sir," said Thad.

The gavel pounded.

"Thad, David?" asked Wes. "I will have order.

"May I please say something?" asked Kurt, raising his hand. Wes nodded. "With respect, I believe Blaine has a point. The Warblers are so concerned with image and tradition that sometimes I feel like we miss out on opportunities to step outside our comfort zones. When I was in New Directions, we performed in front of hostile crowds pretty much anywhere we went; I mean, mattress stores, shopping malls. I had a cat thrown at me in a nursing home once," said Kurt. The group laughed. "But it-it gave us confidence. It-it kept us loose."

"And where would this performance take place?" asked Wes, simply for the sake of knowing.

"The Gap, at the North Hills Mall," responded Blaine. "I'd like to call it The Warblers' Gap Attack."

Everyone laughed. Kurt was perplexed. What the hell was romantic about the Gap?

"Why the Gap?" asked Kurt.

"The guy that I like is a junior manager," replied Blaine. Kurt nodded understandingly.

"All right, well, all those in favor?" asked Wes, and the group took a vote.

* * *

><p>Kurt sat in Mercedes' room with Mercedes (obviously) and Rachel. The three had decided to have a girl's night in. Kurt was nervous. He wanted to tell them about Sam, but he didn't want to offend the boy. He texted him.<p>

{Kurt}{Is it okay to tell Mercedes and Rachel about…us? Whatever we are?"

"Do you guys want popcorn?" asked Mercedes, getting up to get drinks.

"No thanks; I'm watching my figure," responded Rachel delicately.

"Girl, if you keep 'watching your figure', you're not gonna have a figure to watch!" exclaimed 'Cedes.

{Sam}{Plz, not yt. im not quite rdy yt. im sry, but i nede mor time}

Kurt sighed, but knew he had to be patient if this relationship…was it a relationship? What were they? He held up his hand, and looked at the ring on his left ring finger. It sparkled at him, as it always did. He missed…

"Kurt…what the hell is that?" asked Mercedes furiously. She'd come back into the room, only to find Rachel staring at the television, and Kurt staring at a ring. On that specific finger.

"Oh, this? Well, it's, um, well it's nothing," responded Kurt hastily. He sent a quick text to Sam.

{Kurt}{'Cedes saw the ring. What do you want me to tell her?}

As much as it would hurt, he would lie to protect Sam.

"Oh, hell to the no, white boy. That is not 'nothing'. You're staring at that like…wait a second. You're always smiling and texting, and you have a ring…" said Mercedes, putting 2 and 2 together to make four. All she needed was the equals sign. "Give me your phone, white boy," she commanded. Kurt got a text back.

{Sam}{Plz dont. I wont ask u 2 lie, but im beggign plz dont}

"I will tell you, I promise. But he's still in the closet, and I refuse to out someone. You know that," said Kurt, holding onto his phone.

"WHAT? You're involved with a closet case? Oh HELL TO THE NO!" screamed Mercedes. Kurt plugged his ears.

"Sweetheart, not so loud," he said.

"I concur," added Rachel. Her ears were ringing.

"Kurt, you are too good for him. If he's not ready to come out and stand tall and proud, then you don't need him," said Mercedes, trying to instill in her friend some semblance of self-worth.

"Mercedes! I appreciate your concern, but this is not a topic up for discussion. I will tell you that this ring symbolizes his promise to come out. I'm just giving him the time he needs to do that. If you have a problem with that, then I'm sorry, but I really don't care. I love him. I honestly love him," finished Kurt. He would not hurt Sam.

Mercedes wasn't happy, but she knew when Kurt was stubborn, and wouldn't talk about it. "Fine. But if he hurts you, I warned you ahead of time," she said quietly.

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"Um, can we maybe get back to the movie?" asked Rachel.

That was the end of that particular line of discussion for the end of the night.

Kurt sent Sam a text right before bed.

{Kurt}{I want you to know, I just lied to my two best friends. I know you wouldn't ask; you're too honorable for that. I just wanted to tell you that your secret's safe. For now. If Mercedes ever gets a hold of my phone (which she may try to do), I can't be held responsible for what she reads. I'm not mad at you; I don't think I could be. I'm just disappointed. I really wanted to tell them, but I won't make you come out until you're ready. I miss you, and I hope you sleep well. oxox}

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in a house across Lima, Sam was freaking out. He'd just gotten a text from Kurt asking if he could tell people. Could he? Would it be so bad? Quinn already knew; what was the harm?<p>

Then he thought about slushies; about dumpster dives.

He promptly skittered back into the closet.

When Kurt texted him about Mercedes and the ring, he had a panic attack. His pupils dilated, and his palms began to sweat. The room felt too bright, too hot. He started to hyperventilate. He reached out to his desk and grabbed a bottle of medicine. He took out one of the tablets, his hands shaking. He placed it under his tongue, like the doctor had said. He started breathing like Kurt had taught him to, and laid down.

Slowly, after about ten minutes of holding on for dear life, he started to feel better. He frantically texted Kurt and begged him not to tell.

It was later on that night, when Sam was falling asleep to Avatar, that he got a text. As he read through it, he began to weep, and then cry. He was such an ass! He promised himself he would talk to Quinn the next day.

* * *

><p>The next morning, a red-eyed Sam caught up with Quinn. She was alarmed to see how he looked. He appeared as though he'd worn the same clothes from the night before, and that he'd not slept a wink.<p>

"Come on," she said, grabbing his hand and dragging him down the hall. The nice thing about being a beard was her ability to do this without arousing suspicion. She pushed him into the choir room, shut the door, and looked at him. "Spill."

Sam began to sob. She sighed, and hugged him. After he cried for a few minutes, he told Quinn about the night before.

"It-it's not fair. He deserves so much better…" said Sam, having a brief, albeit intense period of self-loathing.

Quinn nodded to herself, realizing what she needed to do. She gathered her resolve, and slapped him. Not gently, but not forcefully or with malice, either.

"Sam, you need to get a hold of yourself. Yes, Kurt will wait for you. He won't wait forever, but he will wait until you come out. Why don't you tell Mercedes and Rachel later on today, and that way, you can get it over with and surprise Kurt all at the same time," suggested Quinn.

Sam had a weak smile on after that. Certainly not 1000 watts, but enough that he was making a comeback.

"Okay," he agreed. He pulled out a little orange bottle from his backpack, and took a pill.

Quinn saw this, and her eyes bulged. "Sam, what is that?" she asked, borderline furious. He handed her the bottle.

"The letters keep getting jumbled up, so I'm not really sure what it is. I just know it gets rid of my anxiety and panic attacks, and I felt one coming on," he answered for himself.

Quinn read the bottle. It said Clonazepam-ODT. Well, if that's what Sam needed, then that's what Sam needed.

Suddenly the rest of the Glee kids walked into the choir room. They all began to chat and Puck gathered around the guys to see if they would help him sing something. After a little while, they felt they knew it well enough to perform.

|Are you gonna take me home tonight?  
>Ah, down beside that red firelight.<br>Are you gonna let it all hang out  
>Fat-bottomed girls, you make<br>The rockin' world go round!|

Puck slapped the strings, and began to sing to Lauren.

/I was just a skinny lad,  
>Never knew no good from bad,<br>But I knew love before I left my nursery.  
>Left alone with big fat Fanny;<br>She was such a naughty nanny,  
>Hey, big woman, you made a bad boy out of me!

The looks of scandal, shock and humor amongst the glee-clubbers were humorous. Rachel clapped along obligatorily. They stared at one another, and at Zizes, a look of horror upon her face. She took off her glasses, so she could pretend it wasn't real.

/I've been singing with my band,  
>Cross the water, cross the land;<br>I seen every blue-eyed floozy one way, hey!  
>But their beauty and their style<br>Went kind of smooth after a while  
>Take me to them lardy ladies every time! Come on!

The chorus began again.

|Oh, won't you take me home tonight?  
>Oh, down beside your red firelight.<br>Are you gonna let it all hang out?  
>Fat-bottomed girls, you make<br>The rockin' world go round.|

Sam groped the air, pretending Kurt's small, tight…dammit. Now he had a hard-on, and no access to a cold shower.

/Yeah!/

|Fat-bottomed girls, you make  
>The rockin' world go round.|<p>

"Get on your bikes and ride!" screamed Puck, jumping around and knocking things over.

Sam and Quinn were dancing and laughing at each other. This song made him feel much better.

/Them fat bottomed girls!/  
>|Fat-bottomed girls.|<p>

After a guitar riff, the song was over. Santana glared daggers at Zizes.

Lauren, on the other hand, felt like crying.

Everyone eventually left. Santana pointed at the both of them, but said nothing. Puck walked over to Lauren.

"So, um, what'd you think?" he asked nervously. "It was…that's kind of my love song to you, 'cause, you know, you're a little…on the heavier side, but, like the song says, you know, I'm kind of into it."

"So…that was the first time anyone ever sang me a love song," said Lauren. Puck smiled wide.

"And it made me feel like crap," she added, leaving.

* * *

><p>As Finn ran his kissing booth, various girls screamed, hollered and hooted for a chance to "kiss the quarterback." Becky came up, and handed him a few dollars. "I want tongue!" she exclaimed.<p>

"Uh, thanks, Becky," he said, taking a dollar and kissing her upon the cheek.

She squealed happily and ran away. Finn changed the sign from "In" to "Out".

"Oh! Sorry ladies. Brush and floss time. Got to keep up the oral hygiene if I'm gonna satisfy all of you. Sorry," he said, turning away. Someone grabbed him by the arm.

"I know why you're doing this. You know I'm the only girl in school that won't kiss you, and you think that the peer pressure will get to me," accused Quinn.

"Well, it is sort of uncool that you…you're too uptight to spend a buck for a good cause like Glee club," teased Finn.

"I'm not kissing you again," whispered Quinn.

"What are you so afraid of?" asked Finn.

"Leading you on, hurting the both of us," she responded.

"I can take it. Tell me you don't want to kiss me right now," said Finn, drawing closer to her.

"I can't do this," she whispered, and walked away.

Sam saw this and smiled widely. He was going to have so much fun with this.

* * *

><p>Sam followed his best friend into the library.<p>

"I saw it. Your guys' faces were, like, right up next to each other. Kissing distance," he said, a huge grin on his face. He noticed Quinn reading something. "What are these things?"

"They're called records. People used to listen to music on them. I'm looking for a classic love song to sing for our assignment, because despite your confusion about the matter, I don't have feelings for any guy," she said scathingly.

"Okay. So answer me this, then. Why haven't you kissed Finn at his booth yet?" he asked, hoping the dig would work.

"Okay, first you're all up in my business for kissing Finn, and now you're upset with me for not kissing…" she said, before being cut off.

"It's odd. Something seems fishy, I mean…" he responded,

"This is insane!" she exclaimed.

The librarian shushed them, and received a death glare from Quinn.

"Everyone thinks I'm dumb," said Sam sadly.

"Not…everyone," said Quinn. "Kurt doesn't."

Sam had the decency to blush at that.

"But I'm not. At least…not when it comes to this," he said, struggling for the right words. "You play it cool, but you're ambitious. You like being the queen bee, and you think that being with star quarterback Finn is going to put you up there, whether you're wearing a Cheerios uniform or not. I'm pretty, but I ain't dumb," he finished.

"Fine. Right after Glee rehearsal, I'm kissing Finn," said Quinn.

Sam smiled, and had to hold in a laugh. +1 for reverse psychology. He texted Kurt about what had happened, and received an "lol" in response. This was gonna be good.

* * *

><p>Rachel came up to Finn's booth, and gave Finn her hundred.<p>

"Are you sure you can handle this?" he asked skeptically.

"Oh, absolutely. I've decided that I'm better off without you. Not without you specifically, but without any man who's going to keep me from achieving my goals of stardom," said Rachel, her head held high.

"Sweet. Uh…we should probably kiss. There's a line-up," he suggested.

Rachel closed her eyes and received…a peck on the cheek?

"What-what the hell? On the cheek?" she accused.

"Wait, I thought you said you were over me," said Finn.

"I am, but it still-I still want a real kiss. That was not a dollar kiss," she responded, holding up the bill.

"I knew you were lying about being through with love and all that stuff," he added sadly.

"Okay, fine. I still love you. Okay? Is that what you want to hear?" asked Rachel, thoroughly upset.

Finn sighed, and turned the sign from "In" to "Out" so the two would have some privacy.

"Why can't you just forgive me?" pleaded Rachel.

"You cheated on me. That means something," responded the quarterback.

"What does it mean? That I was stupid? That I was angry? I-I don't care about Puck. I don't care about anybody but you," she explained. Finn reached behind the counter, and pulled out a small, wrapped box. He handed it to her.

"It's Valentine's Day," she said obviously.

"Oh, yeah. I ordered it for you for Christmas before we broke up," admitted Finn, remembering all the good times. "Just, open it."

She did. Inside was a real, actually-made-of-gold necklace. It had a star charm attached to it.

"I think you're right about wanting to be alone for a while. 'Cause let's face it, Rachel. You're better than everyone in this school. You don't need me or any other guy to anchor you to Lima. You're a real star. And you need to shine. Just because I can't be with you, it doesn't mean I don't believe in you," he said sadly as he finished putting the necklace on her, and held her hand for a moment, before letting go.

There was a silent pause, where all the world faded away but for them.

"Thank you," she said quietly, walking away down the hall. Finn looked after her for a moment.

As she continued down the hall, she missed Artie and Mike chatting at Mike's locker.

"It's weird. Who'd have guessed that the quiet, skinny Asian guy and the kid in the wheelchair would end up dating two of the raddest girls in school?" asked Mike quietly putting his things away and slamming his locker. "No jealousy. No drama…"

"Nope," agreed Artie.

"I don't know how we did it…" mused the Asian boy.

"I do. We're dope," replied Artie, as he began to sing.

/You know, you…  
>You make me feel so good inside.<br>I always wanted a girl just like you.  
>Such a P.Y.T—<br>Pretty young thing. Oh!

Where did you come from, baby?  
>And ooh, won't you take me there?<br>Right away, won't you, baby?  
>Tenderoni, you've got to be;<br>Spark my nature, sugar, fly with me.  
>Don't you know now is the perfect time?<br>We can make it right, hit the city lights,  
>Then tonight, ease the lovin' pain.<br>Let me take you to the max!  
>I want to love you…<p>

The girls sang a few notes.

|P.Y.T.!|

/Pretty Young Thing!  
>You need some lovin'…

|T.L.C.!|

/Tender lovin' care!  
>And I'll take you there, girl.<br>I want to love you…/

|P.Y.T.!|

/Pretty young thing!  
>You need some lovin'…

|T.L.C.!|

/Tender lovin' care!  
>And I'll take you there!<br>Girl, I'll take you there!/

Mike joined Artie.

|Pretty young thing!  
>You make me sing!|<p>

/Pretty young things,  
>Repeat after me;<br>Sing "Na, na, na!"/

The girls jumped in.

|Na, na, na!|

/Na, na, na, na!/

|Na, na, na, na!|

Sing "Na, na, na!"/

|Na, na, na!|

/Na, na, na, na, na!/

|Na, na, na, na, na!|

After a little more improv, the song ended, and Brittany wound up in Artie's lap.

"That's my man, and his legs don't work," she said happily.

"Tenderoni!" exclaimed Finn.

"I'm so in love, I may just start crying," said Tina happily.

"Aw…" responded Mike before an Asian Kiss.

_I wonder if Kurt and I could have a Gay Kiss…_thought Sam.

* * *

><p>Santana slithered down the hallway towards Puck. As she sidled up to him, she held out a piece of paper in front of his face. He sighed.<p>

"What's that?" he asked, dreading the conversation.

"It's a receipt. I went to Jared. You can reimburse me, we'll have dinner at Breadstix, and then we can consider this settled," she explained, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Um, no. And consider what settled?" he asked. He was irritated.

"Look, you've made your point. I'm sort of a bitch. But I'm willing to change. I won't tell Lauren to look out for poachers who might mistake her for the endangered White Rhino," said Santana, not noticing Puck staring over her shoulder, and the approaching Zizes.

"I heard that. Don't make me rip that weave out yo head," responded the wrestler.

Santana put on a huge fake smile, and turned around.

"This is not gonna be good…" Puck whispered to himself.

"Hello, Lauren. You are a beautiful person," complimented the Latina.

"Thank you," replied The Zizes.

"Now, get out of my way, please, a-fores I ends you," threatened Santana.

"You don't want to push me," responded Lauren quietly.

"Oh. But, see, I-I sort of do. I'm from a part of town called Lima Heights adjacent. You know where that is, Poppin' Fresh? It's on the wrong side of the tracks," said Santana, blowing a kiss and lightly slapping Lauren on the cheek.

Lauren's eyes opened wide for a moment. She took off her glasses, and handed them to Puck. She let out an ear shattering roar, grabbed the Latina by the throat, and threw her vehemently into a locker. Santana's response was to bite her thigh. Lauren threw her into a different locker. And then did so again. And again. Then she spun her down the hallway, almost knocking down Coach Beiste.

"Hey! Knock it off and get going!" said Shannon.

"Yeah. That's how we do it in Lima Heights," said Santana deliriously.

"Let's get you to the nurse," said Coach Beiste quietly, escorting the Latina down the hall.

Lauren turned back to Puck.

"Please go out with me. Just…please," he begged.

"You make a formal presentation, and I'll consider it," replied the wrestler, putting on her glasses and walking away.

* * *

><p>Finn changed the sign from "Out" to "In".<p>

Up marched Quinn, who angrily slammed a dollar on the counter.

"Wait. Hold on. I want to see this," said Sam, a huge, shit-eating grin on his face.

"Pervert?" asked Finn critically.

"I'd prefer 'chaperone,'" responded the blonde. Quinn scowled. The two began to lean in. Sam started to envision himself and Kurt doing just that.

Quinn and Finn touched lips, for but a moment. As they pulled away, the two were stunned. Both saw fireworks, and both were shocked at the reactions they had.

"Satisfied?" asked Quinn, after staring at the quarterback for a moment.

"Yeah. Let's go," said Sam, still smiling. They two walked down the hall for a ways before he spoke again. "So I took a bunch of those records you were looking at in the library, and I'm gonna load them into my iTunes," he said, before being cut off.

"Hey, I forgot my purse," she said, before running back to Finn. Sam saw this, and smiled even wider. He knew she liked him. He may be blonde, but he wasn't stupid. Not about this. Except when it came to Kurt. Then he was a little dense.

Quinn ran back to the table, and whispered into Finn's ear as she grabbed her purse.

"Meet me tomorrow afternoon in the auditorium," she said quietly, before running back to her friend.

"Fireworks…" muttered Finn to himself.

* * *

><p>Rachel and Mercedes sat in the choir room. They'd both received a text from Sam (as garbled as always) asking them to meet him there.<p>

Sam walked in slowly, and sat down on the chair that was usually reserved for Mr. Schue. He'd taken one of his pills about a half hour before, and was feeling the effects. It made him bold; unafraid of what might happen. He decided that the best thing to do would be to get it over with as quickly as possible, much like a band-aid. He took a deep breath, and looked both girls in the eyes.

"I'm gay," he said, ripping off the veil of secrecy he'd been hiding behind for so long.

Rachel's eyes opened wide. Her first question was, "Can we sing showtunes and do duets now?" she asked.

Mercedes, however, put two and two together.

"Oh, HELL TO THE NO! You did not!" she said, pointing at his ring finger.

He blushed, and nodded.

The black girl jumped up, and was about to slug him, before Rachel grabbed her and forcibly sat her down.

"He does not deserve someone in the closet! He deserves someone he can hold hands with! Not some blonde-from-a-bottle jock who can't make up his mind!" exclaimed Kurt's best friend. She was livid, and proceeded to text Kurt angrily.

{Mercedes}{Oh, hell to the no, white boy. You are not dating Sam!}

Rachel spoke in calming tones.

"Mercedes, think about this. He's telling us this. That means he's not going to stay in the closet forever, right?" on her last word, she turned her gaze on Sam.

"No, I'm not. I will eventually come out to the rest of Glee club. And Quinn already knows. She was the first who knew," responded the jock.

The lightbulb went off in Rachel's head.

"She's your beard…" she said thoughtfully.

Mercedes' phone buzzed.

{Kurt}{No, I'm not. He hasn't asked me out yet. The ring is a symbol of what will eventually come. It's his promise to come out, and to do so quickly. I'm guessing he told you?}

The girl began to calm down a little.

{Mercedes}{Fine. But if you get hurt, I'm killing him and burying the body where no one will ever think to look. And yes, he did.}

Kurt's text was almost immediate.

{Kurt}{I wouldn't expect otherwise =)}

Mercedes looked up.

"White boy, you better come out to the rest of the group soon. Otherwise I'm gonna have to hurt you," she said, feeling very protective of her best friend.

"I wouldn't expect otherwise. Actually, Puck said the same thing. But I didn't tell him; he figured it out on his own," added Sam hastily, not wanting to face the Wrath of 'Cedes.

The girls looked at each other.

"Well, I suppose we could endeavor to share our friend with you," said Rachel, shrugging.

Mercedes laughed a little.

"What my girl here means to say is that I guess you have our blessing," explained Mercedes. Sam sighed.

"Thanks, guys. I've got to get home, but it means a lot," said Sam, getting up and walking toward the door.

Mercedes and Rachel looked at the door, then at each other, and burst out into squeals of happiness for their friends.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile out in Westerville (or rather, a GAP in a mall near Westerville), Blaine was eyeing his target.<p>

"That's him. The blonde one folding sweaters," said Blaine.

Kurt thought he looked like a blonde version of Carrot-Top, but he wasn't about to say anything.

"Hm. I can see the appeal. That's quite a head of hair," said Kurt sarcastically.

"His name is Jeremiah. If he and I got married, the Gap would give me a 50% discount," sighed Blaine happily, missing the glare from Kurt. Could he not see this was a poor choice? "This is insane. I don't know what I'm doing. We haven't even really gone out on a date. We-we shouldn't do this. This is crazy," said Blaine sadly, losing confidence and beginning to stalk off.

"Okay. Come on. Come one. Man up. You're amazing. He's gonna love you," said Kurt encouragingly as he pushed his friend up towards the center of the room and walking away to watch the fireworks (for regardless of what Kurt thought, this was clearly important to his friend.

Blaine nodded, and gave the signal. Suddenly, the sound of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony sounded out, voices replacing the strings so often heard.

|Vum, vum, vum, vum!  
>Vum, vum, vum, vum!|<p>

Blaine began with a run, leading into his lines.

|Ba-da-ba-da!|

/Baby girl, where you at?  
>Got no strings, got men attached.

|Ba-da-ba-da!|

/Can't stop that feelin' for long, no./

|Ba-da-ba-da!|

/You makin' dogs wanna beg,  
>Breaking them off your fancy legs,

|Ba-da-ba-da!|

/But they make you feel right at home, now./

|Ba-da-ba-da, ba-da-ba-da!|

/See all these illusions just take us too long,  
>And I want it bad,<br>Because you walk pretty,  
>Because you talk pretty,<br>'Cause you make me sick and I'm not leavin'  
>'Till you're leavin'!

As the group wandered around the store following Blaine, and Blaine followed Jeremiah, Kurt felt more and more anxious. He began to see exactly what Blaine wanted, from the way his eyes were tracking over Jeremiah's body. The feeling left him a little bit nauseous.

/Oh, I swear there's something when she's pumpin', asking for a raise.  
>Well, does she want me to carry her home now?<br>So, does she want me to buy her things?  
>On my house, on my job, on my loot, shoes, my shirt,<br>My crew, my mind, my father's last name?  
>When I get you alone,<br>When I get you, you'll know, babe,  
>When I get you alone,<br>When I get you alone!/

The group began to dance around Blaine, while Jeremiah walked away. Kurt could tell something was wrong. He just knew it, somewhere in his gut.

|Ba-da-ba-da!|

/Baby girl, you the shh!/

Blaine censored himself, something Kurt was glad for. He did not like this song one bit.

/That makes you my equivalent./

|Ba-da-ba-da!|

/Well, you can keep your toys in the drawer tonight, all right!/

Both Jeremiah and Kurt were stunned at the brazen innuendo of the line. Kurt was thoroughly shocked at this point, and slightly repulsed by his friend's vulgarity.

|Ba-da-ba-da!|

/All my dogs talkin' fast,/

|Ba-da-ba-da!|

/Ain't you got some photographs?/

|Ba-da-ba-da!|

/'Cause you shook that room like a star, now,  
>Yes, you did, yes, you did!

/All these intrusions just take us too long,  
>And I want you so bad,<br>Because you walk city,  
>Because you talk city,<br>'Cause you make me sick, and I'm not leavin',  
>'Till you're leavin'!

/So I pray to something she ain't bluffing,  
>Rubbin' up on me.<br>Well, does she want me to make a vow? Check it.  
>Well does she want me to make it now?<br>On my house, on my job, on my loot, shoes, my voice,  
>My crew, my mind, my father's last name?<br>When I get you alone,  
>When I get you, you'll know, babe,<br>When I get you alone,  
>When I get you alone,<br>When I get you alone!/

Blaine finished, and presented a pair of socks to Jeremiah who was now standing behind the counter.

* * *

><p>"Was it too much?" asked the lead vocalist. Kurt was sitting with Blaine outside the staff entrance for Jeremiah to appear. Kurt simply stared at his friend with a look clearly showing his opinion. "It was too much."<p>

The man of the hour finally walked out of the GAP.

"Jeremiah! Hey," said Blaine confidently.

"What the hell were you doing?" asked the blonde.

"What?" asked Blaine, confused.

"I just got fired. You can't just bust a groove in the middle of somebody else's workplace," explained Jeremiah.

"But they loved it," retorted a smiling Blaine.

"Well, my boss didn't. Neither did I. No one here knows I'm gay," responded Jeremiah sadly.

"Can I be honest? Just, with the hair? I think they do," interjected Kurt.

"Blaine, let's just be clear here. You and I got coffee twice. We're not dating. If we were, I'd get arrested, 'cause you're underage," said the older boy, a note of teasing in his voice, though not in a malicious way.

Blaine stood there, heartbroken and torn. Kurt simply looked on with compassion.

* * *

><p>Back at McKinley, Santana spent her time in the choir room as a wallflower. After her tussle with Lauren (which she won, of course), she decided to dig up some dirt. She saw Mike and Tina playing with each other and laughing. Their level of "Asian Cuteness" made her feel thoroughly nauseated.<p>

Sam and Quinn were whispering to each other, smiles on both of their faces. She hated that the two of them were together. She looked to her left, and saw Artie and Brittany making out.

_Ugh, gross. How is this possible? I'm the hottest piece of action at this school, and here I am on Valentine's, single. Whatever. I'll just marry an NFL player. They're super reliable…_she thought to herself. As Sam and Quinn continued to whisper to each other, laughing and joking, she noticed Quinn's eyes were upon Finn as he walked in, and vice versa.

_Wait, that's weird. Quinn's wearing her queen bitch smirk, and Finn only wears that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something._

It hit her like a freight train, and her jaw dropped.

_Holy sweet hell. They're fooling around! I know what cheating looks like. I do it all the time. Well, I think it's time to do what Santana does best. Revenge,_ she thought angrily.

A few minutes later, Santana walked down the hall in her skanky nurse outfit.

_I've always loved volunteering at the local hospital, and not just because of the sexy candy striper outfit. Giving back is so important…_she thought, as she walked into the Nurse's office.

"Excuse me—are there any sick students I can help you tend to?" she asked, feigning innocence. The nurse smiled, glad for the help.

"Wes Fahey's down with mono, and he's waiting for his mom to pick him up. But you shouldn't go in there. It's highly contagious," added the nurse, her tone full of warning.

"Please. I've had mono so many times, it turned into stereo," responded the Latina.

She walked through the curtain, and smiled at the sick boy.

"Hi," she said, putting down her teddy bear. "So, I'm gonna need to borrow your germs." She then proceeded to molest him by means of mouth for a few moments, making sure she was infected. Then she flounced away.

"Thanks…" he murmured.

Santana practically skipped down the hall. Her plan was going along perfectly. She walked up to Finn's kissing both, and planted one on him, making sure to slip in some tongue. After a few moments, he pulled away.

"Whoa, whoa…" he said hastily.

"Sorry about that. I couldn't help myself. If I have anything, I hope it's not contagious," she whispered this last bit, and walked away.

"But what? What?" asked Finn, puzzled. He thought about it until a girl walked up.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," she replied, handing him a dollar.

* * *

><p>Puck stared at his surroundings, blown thoroughly out of the water.<p>

"What is this place?" he asked, stunned. There were so many books!

"It's the library. Haven't you been in here before?" asked Lauren, almost shocked. Puck shook his head. "No? Okay. I don't understand. You said you want to formally ask me out, but I see no envelope of cash, no muffin basket."

"I sang to you," he argued.

"An offensive song," she said, getting her book and standing. She sighed. "I don't think you're ready for this jelly."

"Wait. I mean, let's be honest here, you look…the way you look. And I'm embracing that. I mean, it turns me on, babe," he said.

"I look like America looks," she said critically. "And, like America, I need more than just a song to get my juices flowing."

As she turned to put her book back on the shelf, Puck stood for a moment and hurried after her, before going down on bended knee.

"Lauren Zizes, will you go to Breadstix with me tomorrow night?" he asked, holding out a ring-pop.

She looked at him, and squinted. "Tomorrow's not Valentine's Day," she said.

"Tomorrow's the pre-date," explained Puck, "'Cause our mouths are going to be too busy macking out on Valentine's Day to eat anything."

Lauren tried to stifle the laugh, but was thoroughly unsuccessful. She swallowed and looked skyward for a moment to compose herself, then responded.

"I like your style, Puckerman. I dine at 8:00. Now get out of here, before I change my mind," she added as she put on the ring, gesturing towards the door with her head.

Noah Puckerman scampered off, thinking himself to be the happiest man on Earth.

* * *

><p>At the same time, Quinn slowly made her way into the auditorium. She knew it had been her idea, but she still wasn't exactly okay with it. It hadn't worked out the first time, but she had hopes it would this time.<p>

Sam was going to kill her when she told him. She knew he wanted a warning so he could watch and laugh his ass off, but she would not have any of that.

"Sorry. I was at church," admitted the girl in the sundress. It was sort of true. She'd been praying for guidance.

"Praying for the strength to come?" joked Finn.

"Not to," replied Quinn. Finn leaned in, and rested his forehead against hers.

"Doesn't this make you a cheater?" asked Finn. "I don't know if I can do that to Sam."

Quinn simply laughed.

"What makes you think Sam and I are together?" she smiled, posing the question.

Finn's eyes brightened, and then dulled again.

"Wait, I thought you two were dating?" he asked, confused.

"Did you ever ask either one of us that?" replied the ex-cheerleader.

"Well…no…" said Finn.

"Then how do you know?" asked Quinn, pushing the topic.

"I-I don't know," responded Finn, as the two circled around the single lamp onstage.

Quinn stopped. "Exactly my point. Sam and I aren't together. We never have been."

Finn's eyes popped open, and his jaw dropped.

"Not even around Christmas?" he asked.

"Nope," she said.

"Then why did you hold his hand? The whole school thinks you're dating," said Finn.

She sighed. She was really glad she'd cleared this with Sam.

[FLASHBACK]  
>"Sam, I know you're not out to everyone. I'm not sure if I will, but if I do talk to Finn, he's going to ask about us. Is it okay to tell him the truth?" asked Quinn.<p>

Sam thought about it. He hadn't been panicking nearly as much lately, since he started taking his medicine.

"Sure, as long as I get to see the whole thing go down," he responded.  
>[END FLASHBACK]<p>

"Are you familiar with the term 'beard'?" asked Quinn quietly.

Finn nodded. "Yeah, isn't that when a gay guy pretends to be someone's boyfriend to stay in the…" Finn trailed off, beginning to realize exactly what she was saying. His jaw dropped.

"No…Sam?" asked Finn. "Are you sure?"

"As sure as the day is long," replied Quinn. Finn looked at her blankly. "Yes, I'm sure," she simplified. "However, not many people know, so don't say ANYTHING. Okay?" she asked.

Finn nodded, then walked over to her slowly. He leaned his head down, and bumped her nose with his.

"Does this mean I can kiss you now?" he asked, a little breathless.

Quinn nodded, and the two finally came together once again.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, at a Starbucks in Westerville, there was a total role reversal. Kurt was enjoying the holiday. Blaine, on the other hand…<p>

"Ugh. Don't they have anything that isn't covered with stupid, little hearts?" he asked. "Gross."

"Well, you've certainly changed your tune," commented Kurt.

"I don't think I've ever made that big a fool of myself, which is really saying something, because I've performed at theme parks," Blaine said. He sighed, and took a breath. "I just…I can't believe I made it all up in my head."

"Okay, can I ask you something, because we've always been completely honest with each other?" asked Kurt. His friend nodded. "You and I? We hang out. We sing flirty duets together. You know my coffee order, and paid for it the last time we came in. Please…tell me that's nothing," finished Kurt.

Blaine looked at him, a little confused. His eyes widened, and he hastily replied.

"No, no, no, and no. I-I'm gay, Kurt, but trust me, we're just friends. As you and about 20 other mortified shoppers saw, I'm not good at romance. You're a close friend, but I see us as friends. No more. Besides, don't you like that Sam kid you're always talking about?" asked Blaine.

Kurt blushed, and looked at the woman at the counter, for it was their time to order.

"Can I get a nonfat mocha, and a medium drip for this guy?" he asked, his face still red. "And I do not talk about him all the time."

"Ah, you know my coffee order. And yes, you really do," said Blaine. Kurt wisely decided not to respond.

"You know what? I think I've got something for us to do on Valentine's Day," finalized Kurt, changing the subject.

* * *

><p>That evening, Puck found himself behind Breadstix, making out with a waitress. They stopped briefly.<p>

"Thanks for doing this. It really takes the sting off," he said gratefully.

"It's cool. My dad's a drug addict, so losers make me horny," she replied. Puck was upset.

"I'm not a loser. This is the first time I've ever been stood up," he explained.

"Must be some chick to blow you off," she said, looking him up and down.

As they went back to kissing, an older waitress poked her head out.

"Michelle, I've been covering your section for 15 minutes. Your break's over. And your husband called," she said sternly. Puck and Michelle looked at each other, and went their separate ways.

* * *

><p>The next morning, all was thoroughly not well at McKinley High. Finn was ill. Very, very ill. He was pale as a ghost, sniffly, achy and dripping from most of his orifices. It was not lost on Santana that Quinn appeared the same way, in addition to having a definite fever.<p>

"Well, I did it. I kissed every girl in this school, and raised 324 dollars for the Glee club," he said sickly, handing the money to Mr. Schuester.

"All right, Finn. Thanks. That'll pay for half a ticket to Nationals, so…still a long way to go," joked their teacher, as Finn shuffled unhappily to his seat.

"Now I believe it's time to hear what the world's greatest love song means to Miss Tina Cohen-Chang," said Mr. Schue happily. She smiled, and stood to walk to the center of the classroom.

"This is for you, Mike. Happy Valentine's Day," she said, as the music began.

/My funny Valentine,  
>Sweet, comic Valentine,<br>You make me smile with my heart./

Up until this point, the music had been beautiful. Tina had a fabulous voice, and Mr. Schue was debating showcasing it a little more. Her face began to wobble, her smile began to fade, and she began to tear up.

/Your looks are laughable…/

She sniffled, missing her next entrance. She tried to make up for it.

/Unphotographable…/

Tina broke down into full blown sobs which racked her body. She valiantly tried to make it through the next line.

/Yet you're my favorite work of art…/

She sobbed, and missed yet another entrance. Sam looked at Quinn, and Quinn looked at the floor. She felt truly miserable.

/Is your figure less than Greek?/

She sobbed more, coming in late again. Mercedes and Rachel were horrified. She did so well in rehearsal!

/Is your mouth a little weak?  
>When you open…

At this, she broke into uncontrollable, body wrenching sobs. Brad played on valiantly.

/…Are you smart?  
>Stay, oh, oh, God, Valentine…

She collapsed to the floor from her sobbing.

/Stay!/

She choked out the word, and Mike got out of his seat to help her.

"Every day is Valentine's Day when I'm with you," she said, through the sobs.

Brad finished the song.

"I'm so overcome with love," cried Tina.

"Okay. Wow, that was…powerful. Almost too powerful," said Mr. Schuester, helping to get Tina off the floor.

"I love you Mike Chang!" she exclaimed through her sobs.

Finn had taken a turn for the worse.

"Mr. Schue, can I be excused? I don't feel well," explained Finn.

"Me, either. I feel sick," admitted Quinn.

"Let me guess. You have a sore throat, and your glands are swollen, and you're feverish," said Santana, her tone very down to Earth and matter-of-fact.

"Yeah…yeah, which is why I need to go to the nurse," replied Finn.

"It sounds like you have mono. Otherwise known as the kissing disease," said Santana. Sam looked worriedly at his best friend. She didn't look so good. "But you know what really helps spread it? A little tongue. Which is weird, because it sounds like Quinn here has it, too."

"I was there when they kissed. It was just a peck," added Sam. Two and two were beginning to look a lot like four to him, and if he was right, Quinn was going to have to spill some information.

"So, how about we stop talking about tonguing, and Finn and I go to the nurse?" suggested Quinn.

"You know what? I think that is a capital idea!" exclaimed Santana.

Finn and Quinn would have killed her, had they the strength to do so.

Sam was going to kill Quinn, as soon as she was back on her feet.

Brittany was simply confused by the whole ordeal.

* * *

><p>In the nurse's office, Quinn and Finn were having a heart to heart.<p>

"I've made out with people secretly twice. The first time, I got pregnant. The second time, I got mono. I think the universe is trying to tell me something," said Quinn, a touch of humor in her voice.

"Maybe. But I think Sam likes you enough to believe whatever story you told him," responded Finn.

"Santana is such a bitch," she added.

At this, the nurse pulled back the curtains.

"It looks like mono to me. I called your mothers. You can hang here 'till they pick you up, but not kissing!" she impressed upon them.

"I'm not done with us yet," said Finn, delirious. Quinn rolled over to look at him.

"You have to stop. Nothing can happen between us, until you figure out what's going on with you and Rachel," responded Quinn, trying to instill some sense of patience into her…friend? Mono buddy?

"But…nothing's…nothing's going on with me and Rachel," said Finn, the fever acting like a fog upon his brain.

"All I know is that when I don't catch you staring at me, you're staring at her," said the ex-cheerleader confidently. Well, as confidently as someone with the Epstein-Barr virus could.

* * *

><p>After Glee, Puck wandered to the locker of one Lauren Zizes.<p>

"Hello…Lauren," he said, putting emphasis on her name. He walked past.

"What's with the chilly willy, Puckerman?" she asked.

"Honestly, I'm not used to getting stood up," he said. When Lauren looked at him with a blank stare, he elaborated. "Last night? Breadstix?"

A look of understanding crossed her face, and Puck wasn't sure if she had legitimately forgotten or not.

"Oh, we had a date, didn't we?" she said.

"Look, I get it. You've been hurt by guys before. But I'm telling you, I'm not like that," he said. Lauren scoffed.

"First of all, you got a girl pregnant last year, so, yeah, you are. And B: What makes you assume guys treat me badly? I can take care of myself," she replied.

"That's what I like about you. I'm not into you because you…have curves. I…What I like is that you're a girl who's an even bigger bad ass than me," he said seriously.

"Can I be honest with you?" she asked. He nodded. "I like you. I used to thin you were smokin', but a lot of that had to do with the fact that I thought you were mixed race, and that never fails to get me going. But here's the thing, Puckerman. I'm not just looking for somebody to fool around with, so if you're really into me, you got to take it slow," she explained.

"I suppose I could give that a shot," said Puck.

"Then you're on for Valentine's Day. As friends," she added.

* * *

><p>This week, Rachel decided what song she would sing after an emotional meeting with Finn. As the music began, everyone recognized the song.<p>

/Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,  
>Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?<br>Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin,  
>Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?<br>Do you ever feel already buried deep?  
>Six feet under, screams but no one seems to hear a thing…<br>Do you know that there's still a chance for you,  
>Cause there's a spark in you.<p>

You just gotta ignite the light,  
>And let it shine. Just own the night<br>Like the Fourth of July!  
>Cause baby you're a firework;<br>Come on show them what you're worth.  
>Make 'em go 'Oh, Oh, Oh,'<br>As you shoot across the sky-y-y.

Baby you're a firework;  
>Come on let your colors burst.<br>Make 'em go 'Oh, oh, oh,'  
>You're gonna leave 'em going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'<p>

Baby you're a firework;  
>Come on let your colors burst.<br>Make 'em go 'Oh, oh, oh,'  
>You're gonna leave 'em going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'<p>

Boom, boom, boom!  
>Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon.<br>Boom, boom, boom!  
>Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon.

Rachel finished her song, and the group began to cheer. She'd killed it, as she always did.

* * *

><p>Later on that evening, she took a seat at Breadstix. Kurt had texted her, and said simply to "be there, or else." She sat alone, feeling vulnerable.<p>

"Mind if we join you?" asked a familiar voice from behind. It was Mercedes, one of her closest friends. The girls had pulled together after Kurt left. She stood with Tina and Mike behind Rachel's booth.

She sighed, for she'd been scared, and also relief she wouldn't be alone on Valentine's Day.

"I would love that," she replied happily.

"Testing, one, two, three. Test-testing, one, two, three," said Kurt, poking at the microphone on the makeshift stage.

All right. So, Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. For those of you Breadstix patrons who don't know who I am, I'm Kurt Hummel, and welcome to my first ever Lonely Hearts Club dinner. Whether you are single with hope, or madly in love, and are here because I forced you to come out and support me," at this, Rachel, Tina, Mike, and Mercedes giggled. "Sit back and enjoy. And to all the singles out there, this is our year." As he said the last line, he looked Sam right in the eyes, and saw the longing and hope he knew was mirrored in his own. He joined the group, and they began to sing. Kurt took the solo.

/You'd think that people would have had  
>Enough of silly love songs!<br>But I look around me and I see it isn't so—oh, no!  
>Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs;<br>And what's wrong with that? I'd like to know,  
>'Cause here I go again!<br>I love you!/

At this, Kurt looked directly at Sam.

/I love you.  
>Love doesn't come in a minute!

The choir echoed.  
>|Doesn't come in a minute!|<br>/Sometimes it doesn't come at all/  
>Kurt sang that line while looking straight at Santana, who was thoroughly offended.<br>|Doesn't come at all!|  
>I only know that when I'm in it,/  
>|Only know when I'm in it,|<br>/It isn't silly,/  
>|At all!|<br>/No, it isn't silly,/  
>|At all!|<br>/Love isn't silly at all! Not at all!/

The choir broke out, dancing and singing around the room. Even Wes sidled up to Santana, and flirtatiously sang with her.

/I love you;  
>I love you.

Kurt sang both those lines straight (no pun intended, of course, he thought) at Sam.

The chorus split up the last few lines, and ended in a beautiful harmony.

Sam looked up, and saw Kurt staring at him. After the song was over, all of the Warblers went and sat down to have some dinner of their own. Wes ended up sitting across from Santana. Kurt, after talking to Mercedes for a moment or two sat down across from Sam.

"Hi!" said Kurt happily, as he sat down.

"Hi," responded Sam, a smile on his face. He reached under the table onto his seat, and pulled out a small, red teddy bear holding a heart. "I told you I'd already bought one…" said the blonde jock self-consciously.

Kurt smiled, and his eyes watered. He took the bear.

"Thank you," responded an emotional Kurt.

Sam was distressed. He wasn't sure whether the tears that threatened to fall were good or bad. Not caring about the Warblers or even his fellow high school students, Sam put a finger to Kurt's jaw and lifted so that Kurt would look at him.

"Hey, kiddo…what did I do?" he asked sadly. He knew it was a bad idea to get the bear.

Kurt smiled, and blinked.

"This is already the best Valentine's Day I've ever had," responded Kurt. "You've been a perfect gentleman."

Sam blushed, and had the decency to look away for a moment, before gazing back at Kurt.

"You know I'm serious about this, right?" asked Sam, moving his foot so that it was on top of Kurt's.

Kurt blushed this time, and dropped the comment that was on the tip of his tongue about the shoes being a hundred dollars. He nodded.

"Did Mercedes or Rachel tell you about what happened?" asked Sam again, trying to figure out what Kurt knew.

"Vaguely. It was less a coherent, 'Oh, hey, I see what you did there,' and more of an angry, 'White boy, I pity da fool' moment," joked Kurt, attempting (and failing miserably at) a Mr. T. impression.

Sam thought this was adorable, and almost kissed him over this, when their food arrived. The two ate rather quietly, instead focusing on the meal before them. Towards the end of Sam's Caesar Salad, he put his fork into Kurt's Capellini with marinara sauce, and stole a bite.

"Hey!" exclaimed Kurt, feigning upset.

Sam was embarrassed. He thought it would be cute. He didn't realize Kurt might be offended by it. He stammered, and began to apologize.

"Oh, geez. Sorry, Kurt. I-I didn't think…" Kurt interjected, seeing the panic attack coming on.

"Sam, it's fine. I'm only teasing," the soprano responded quietly.

The blonde sighed, and smiled. "Sorry. I sometimes overreact to things like that," said Sam. It was the first time he'd ever really been open about his panic attacks, at least with anyone other than his doctor. He'd told Quinn about them, but never in the detail he would give to Kurt. "Sometimes it feels like my throat is tightening up, and I start to breathe really hard. I have trouble hearing things and people around me. I can't think, I-I can't act. It just consumes me, until I either work my way through it, or take something my doctor gave me," admitted the blonde jock. "You're the first person I've really ever told that to."

Kurt was shocked. He hadn't been expecting the honesty of that. He knew how Sam felt, though.

"Right after my mom passed away, I had one. I know how you feel," said Kurt, wiggling his foot against Sam's.

The blonde smiled his 1000 watt smile, and Kurt felt happy.

"You know, I've always wanted to reenact that one scene from "The Lady and the Tramp," said Sam flirtatiously, trying to move the conversation into a lighter topic.

Kurt blushed, and turned away. It was not one of his fantasies. Not at all.

"Perhaps someday we will," said Kurt shyly. It was at this moment that Sam wanted to jump across the table and kiss the soprano, but alas, fate intervened.

"Here's your check," the waitress said. "You two make a cute couple. Happy Valentine's Day!" she said, laying the check on the table. She flounced away.

Both boys blushed as crimson as they possibly could. Sam took the check, and looked at it. It was expensive, yes, but Kurt was worth every penny. He put his debit card into the little book and closed it. He had the cash on him to pay that way, but he knew Kurt would count and observe, and it wouldn't be as romantic.

Kurt, on the other hand, was upset. He didn't want Sam to pay for the both of them.

"Sam, I can cover my own half," Kurt said, trying to defend his honor.

"I don't want you to," said Sam. "I thought you said I was a perfect gentleman?"

"I did, but…"

"And a gentleman always pays for his date," finished Sam, ending any debate on the matter. Kurt blushed. He was touched at how Sam was treating him.

The waitress came back, and took the little booklet. She came back less than a minute later. Sam signed quickly, and the two boys stood. They walked to the door.

"Do you have a ride?" asked Sam, not really wanted to end the beautiful night, and have Kurt go all the way back to Dalton.

Kurt nodded, sadly. "I am the ride for Blaine and a few other Warblers."

Sam's heart fell. He wanted to stay longer, but knew it was time. He reached up, and put a hand on Kurt's cheek. Kurt blushed, and closed his eyes, leaning into Sam's hand, almost like a cat. Sam's pupils dilated. He took a step toward the soprano. The two looked at each other, eyes brimming with emotions. Happiness, longing, contentment, hurt from both of their pasts, and a touch of lust fanning the flames of desire. Sam leaned forward. Kurt closed his eyes, and leaned up towards the footballer. Their lips met, and sparks flew. The kiss was chaste, and lasted only for a second. Not because the boys wanted it to, but because at that precise moment they heard a scream of "Oh, hell to the no!" and Sam was promptly tacked.

As Kurt laughed, still blushing from the kiss, Sam looked at him, and smiled back. Their Valentine's Day had certainly been a success.

* * *

><p>And that's it! Thanks for reading. I love you guys as always.<p>

It's 3:26 AM EST. I meant to finish this THREEE DAYS AGO. Goddamn real life XD. Oh, well. Work is good for the soul!

I hadn't planned on the kiss, but it kinda happened anyway. Oh well. The romantic in me broke out of its cage and laid waste to all my careful planning. Oh, well.

Shout outs to Truetest and Daikun the Time Sage for keeping me focused. Most of the time. XD.

Thank you everyone. Review if you liked it, or even if you didn't. I tried to cut out as much RachelxFinn drama as I could, but some of it needed to happen. In other news, this may be the longest chapter yet!


End file.
